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Bush Plans Seven Phases of Recreating Eden In Iraq
Thursday, 29 August, 2002, 09:29 GMT
�Let there be bombs,� reads the first directive in President George W. Bush�s secret plans for recreating the Garden of Eden in Iraq. An anonymous senior Defense Department official leaked the plans yesterday to the New York Times and reactions across the world range from anger to ecstasy. Until now, plans for what Iraq would look like after the toppling of Saddam Hussein�s regime have been sketchy at best. Critics of the Bush Administration have wondered if �regime change� means installing a new dictator or democratic government. Yet, Mr. Bush�s bold steps could transform Iraq from an oily desert into a well-lubed utopia.

�The President has a plan that will bring back the Paradise of yore,� said the official. �From evening to morning, each of the seven phases in Operation Ex Nihilo will be supervised personally by the President to make sure every thing is good.� In the Bible, the ancient Garden of Eden is said to lie between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, both contained in Iraq. However, Mr. Bush�s plans call for expanding Eden�s boundaries of antiquity to modern Iraq�s borders.

In Phase One, an enormous bombing campaign will raze the ground of all signs of life leaving the way for Phase Two, putting out the flames and bulldozing the earth. Once accomplished, Phase Three will transplant vegetation from various parts of the world, including �seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds,� until it is �so.� Phases Four and Five entail the installation of a wide assortment of fowl, creeping things and beasts of the earth, followed by designation of oil fields. Then comes the most important phase when naked Americans begin colonizing the land, each one given generous amounts of petroleum jelly to �go forth and multiply.� And finally, the festivities of Phase Seven begin when Iraq/Eden�s new inhabitants celebrate the magnificent power of Mr. Bush by lying around resting until Monday.

�It sounds a bit ambitious,� said House Democratic Minority Leader Richard Gephardt, �but if the President wants to recreate Iraq by fiat then glory, glory, hallelujah!� But his political colleagues, especially Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, do not entirely share his opinion. �While I�m skeptical that this is the right thing to do,� he said, �I look forward to a drop in prices of the world�s petroleum jelly supply.�

�Iraq already is an Eden,� Saddam Hussein said in a rare interview yesterday. �Look at my countrymen�s smiles: do they look forced to you? Guards! Kill everyone not smiling,� he added.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has so far been the most vocal opposing world leader to the Bush Administration�s new policy. �We shall not go down this path of recreating Iraq in Eden�s image,� he said, �until I�m elected chancellor for life.�

�Let�s not get ahead of ourselves,� said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. �Whatever the President decides on as his course of action in Iraq, if his first solution doesn�t work out he�ll open up the floodwaters of the Persian Gulf to start anew.�

America Declares War On Rocks After Meteor Assault
Thursday, 12 September, 2002, 16:31 GMT
Atlanta, GEORGIA - People across the Earth are awakening this morning to a changed world following yesterday�s devastating meteor attacks on the United States. Around 5:50AM EST, a glowing ball of rock hurtled its way into America�s heartland destroying a swath of Iowa forest. Within minutes, a twin assault in the South leveled the cities of Athens, Georgia, and Rock Hill, South Carolina.

�We will not stand for this attack on our American values and way of life,� said President George W. Bush last night in his address to the nation. �We are committed to hunting down these meteoroids and any planet that harbors them.�

�This is a new kind of war: a space war,� he added.

The attacks sent most of the country into chaos as millions of Americans took to the streets and shook their fists in the air, or took hammers and pounded away at innocent rocks that stood in their way. �Everyone knows you can�t trust anything from space,� said Kent Dow, a former resident of Athens now living here. �Rocks come from space so they can either risk being pulverized or go back to where they came from.�

Already there are signs as to America�s response. In South Dakota, an onslaught of trucks and backhoes began digging away at Mount Rushmore late afternoon yesterday. In Washington, D.C., Attorney-General John Ashcroft announced a program of rounding up suspected meteor sympathizers, including miners, geologists, jewelers, spelunkers and meteorologists. And in Florida, amid criticism that it failed to predict the assault, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) began construction of a gigantic, spherical space station that would threaten any planet suspected of meteor involvement with total annihilation.

�For billions of years, we Americans stood idly by as the Moon bravely suffered an overwhelming array of attacks that left it lifeless,� said the President. �We shall not allow that to happen to America. We shall overcome this menace. Soon the men and women of the United States military will take to space and destroy the Ring of Evil that infests our solar system between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter.�

Even as America burns, it has also begun speculating about targets on Earth. In Washington, a senior Defense Department official (wishing to be called by his card shark alias, �Rummy�) leaked an intelligence report last night to the New York Times that shows satellite photos of rocks in Iraq. �Are there rocks in Iraq? Yes,� said the official. �Does Saddam intend to use them against the United States? Yes. We even suspect he�s working on building a comet that can orbit the sun and perennially threaten us every 75 years. You can even hear �rock� when you pronounce the country�s name a certain way.�

Yet even as most Americans gear up for war, others have begun a campaign to impede their nation�s wrath. �What we really need to do is focus on the root causes of meteors falling from the sky,� said Kim Silman, a New York peace activist. �The President fails to grasp that only one thing causes meteor strikes: gravity. And until we can pass legislation that reverses the Earth�s gravitational field, I say let the rocks stay.�

Al-Qaeda Releases New Bin Laden Exercise Video
Monday, 22 April, 2002, 12:09 GMT
Doha, QATAR - International terrorist organization Al-Qaeda released its fifth exercise video this week entitled Terrorcise! Shed Your Pounds While Killing the Infidel (Allah Be Praised). Al Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden returns once again to reveal new techniques to firm buttocks, tighten abs, and coordinate multiple attacks on civilian targets.

"Allah, the most Glorified, most High, calls on you to be physically fit for jihad and optimum health," begins the thirty-minute infomercial aired exclusively on the Arab news channel Al-Jazeera. Surrounded on all sides by his black-clad masked soldiers, bin Laden warms up with his trademark "Power Prayer" where he does twenty repetitions of kneeling to a carpet, bending his head to the ground and returning to standing position. "As always," reminds bin Laden, "remember to inhale through your nose and exhale through your raging, blood-thirsty heart. Very good!"

The new tape includes many new features including a state-of-the-art blue-screened background that changes every few minutes: from a low rocky outcrop to lines of text from the Koran, from the entrance of a cave to multiple replays of jetliners crashing into skyscrapers. "Bin Laden has really outdone himself this time," says Ahmed Abdullah Yasin of London, a frequent user of Al-Qaeda�s video series who recently organized a workout cell. "This new regiment does wonders for your terrorist plots and major muscle groups. One can even tell that bin Laden himself is benefiting. In the last tape, he was beginning to lose weight and now the pounds seem to be melting away. Death to Israel."

Between the exercises, which include "jihad jogging" in place while chanting "There is no god but Allah and Mohammad is his prophet," bin Laden discusses his methods of organizing multiple terrorist cells, the evils of America, and the effective use of people as human shields. "Do not think of him as a person but as living pagan flesh that absorbs bullets," says bin Laden. The infomercial also offers testimonials from happy clients of the Al-Qaeda series, including a recorded endorsement from American Airlines Flight 11�s hijacker pilot Mohammed Atta. "Before I found bin Laden, I weighed 200 lbs. and submitted myself to education at wicked Western institutions," claims Atta. "But when I soon martyr myself in a blood-curdling fireball, I shall meet my seventy-two virgins 60 lbs. lighter!"

Already, hundreds of copies have been shipped to the Arab world and will soon outsell Al-Qaeda�s previous releases Sweatin� To The Holy Koran (Allah Is Great) and last December�s Abs of Mohammad (May the Peace and Blessings of Allah Be Upon Him). "We�re very excited about our success so far," says Al-Qaeda spokesman Ayman Al-Zawahiri. "Not only are we currently developing terror tae-bo, by Ramadan we�ll release related products such as explosive running shoes, dumbbell mines, and dietary vitamin supplements laced with smallpox."

While sales soar overseas, in America some fitness experts are critical. "Yes, exercise is fabulously important," says fitness guru Richard Simmons. "But nothing can complement an aerobic workout, or a terrorist scheme, like the fulfilling promise of a nutritious diet!"

"Do not listen to his heresy," Al-Zawahiri responds. "Richard Simmons is but a small illustration of why Western society must suffer and die. America will burn...calories."

Bush Urges Sharon To Pull Out Of Arafat
Thursday, 14 March, 2002, 01:27 GMT
Washington, US - In a major shift in American foreign policy today, President George W. Bush urged Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon to pull his cock out of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat's ass. "I regard the Prime Minister's incursion into Arafat's body disgusting, nauseating and not helpful," the President said. The statement follows nearly two weeks of constant, unadulterated fucking that began after Arafat spilled a load semen on Sharon's face and rubbed it in his eye.

"I have no choice but to follow Bush's example and stuff my rock hard dick into Arafat's asshole and fuck the living shit out of him," announced Sharon to the Knesset before pounding away.

At first, Bush condoned the action likening it to his own threesome with the Mullah Mohammad Omar and Osama bin Laden late last year when he spent months raping their asses until they ran away. But mounting pressure from sleepless Middle Eastern leaders in neighboring bedrooms, as well as revulsion at Sharon's jiggling cellulite on the nightly news, has called into question the president's lauded world-wide "Fuck You, Terrorism" campaign. "Quite frankly," says one senior White House official, "with those ugly old men rolling around on the bed, the president can't get it up for Saddam." And that appears to be the main reason for Bush's call for a pull out: his plans to fuck Iraqi President Saddam Hussein "harder than Daddy did" later this year. And last week Hussein announced that he would cut all lube exports to cause chafing between the leaders.

In an effort to quell the copulation, Bush has dispatched Secretary of State Colin Powell to mitigate a cease-sex as well as getting a new place for Arafat to sleep, even if it's "a cot in Sharon's bedroom corner." But Sharon doesn't appear to be letting up. "I promise -- uh yeah take that -- to pull out -- uh uh that's feels so good -- before I come," Sharon said in response to the president, followed by shouting, "Who's your martyr! Who's your martyr!" "I meant what I said to the Prime Minister," Bush told reporters in Tennessee, "pull out without delay, now, pronto, instantly, immediately, forthwith, today - c'mon and git!"

"And quit dicking around," he added.

New Theory: God Did It
Tuesday, 5 March, 2002, 13:38 GMT
Washington, US � At a press conference today at the headquarters of the National Academy of Sciences, leading scientists from around the world released a startling statement: "God did it." Making the historic announcement was noted Harvard biologist Stephen J. Gould, author of numerous books on evolution. "For generations, we scientists have devoted our lives to finding answers to the riddles of the universe," said Gould, "and now we finally know!"

The announcement came after a month long moratorium on science that resulted from a letter the world's religious leaders sent to every known scientist asking them to seriously consider "the God hypothesis." "At first, I threw the letter in the trash," said Richard Dawkins, renowned evolutionist and author of The Blind Watchmaker, who joined Gould at the podium. "But then, although I had heard such claims before, this time it just seemed like I should consider it seriously."

The letter, signed by religious leaders as diverse as Pope John Paul II and John Travolta, urged scientists to "stop your atrocious deitectomy and think about the ramifications of your actions." Within two weeks, a secret council of principal scientists from every field gathered at the NAS to discuss "the God hypothesis."

"We were unsure at first where to start," said cosmologist Timothy Ferris. "I mean, it was so radical to everything we had ever thought of before."

"There were many arguments and even a few fist fights broke out on the floor," said psychologist Susan Blackmore. "It wasn't until someone pointed out all the gaps in our knowledge that serious debate began."

Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning biologist Edward O. Wilson, sporting a black eye, explained what happened next: "We all knew that we haven't figured everything out and we began asking the tough question: if we don't know, how do we explain it? Eventually, �God did it' became the buzz phrase."

According to some reports, world-famous cosmologist and wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking was the only holdout as the council neared its end Sunday. He was wheeled out by Dawkins, his left arm in a sling, after many calls from reporters, and would only say "Praise Him, praise Him, praise Him!" through his mechanical voice box.

Now that science has come to an end, what next? "The Theory of God has finally accomplished what scientists have always wanted - closure," said Gould. "Now we can get on with our lives confident that all the mysteries of the universe have been solved. I soon plan on opening up a health food store."

Not all scientists are giving up, however. "God Theory has solved a lot of our problems but the next step is to figure out a Law of God," said Ferris.

"There's nothing to figure out," said Wilson. "The Law of God can be summed up in ten simple equations and they can all be found in Exodus 20."

While the world's scientists are satisfied, it is unclear how the rest of the world will react. "Who the non-hell do they think they are, these so-called scientists?!?" read a letter delivered to the NAS shortly before the press conference. Signed by "The Army of Godless," a known group of militant atheists, the letter threatened to "squash the non-souls of these scientists all over uncreation."

Others, though, are quite happy about the scientists' change of heart. "At last, after all the time and energy I've used to overthrow materialistic naturalism, the scientists finally listened," said Berkley law professor Phillip Johnson, author of Defeating Darwinism By Opening Minds.

"We're very excited about the possibilities," said Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic magazine. "If scientists can use the God hypothesis to explain things, then so can we: UFOs, spontaneous human combustion, Bigfoot, alien abductions...at last all these things we skeptics have challenged for years now have a prosaic and cohesive explanation: God did it."

"The Watchmaker was blind but now He sees!" added Dawkins.

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