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Now pray,
as I who came back from the same confusion
learned to pray.
I returned to paint upon the altars
those old holy forms,
but they shone differently,
fierce in their beauty.
So now my prayer is this:
You, my own deep soul,
trust me. I will not betray you.
My blood is alive with many voices
telling me I am made of longing.
What mystery breaks over me now?
In its shadow I come into life.
For the first time I am alone with you--
you, my power to feel.
--Ranier Maria Rilke, from Rilke�s Book of Hours,
translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy
When we return our awareness to our spirit, it may feel like a betrayal of our pain. If we were hurt by our faith leaders or communities, or driven from our means of communing with Spirit in the name of God, we may find it difficult to transfer our attention from working through �couples therapy� with the god of our childhood.
When we return to our spirit, we have to start over again. We have to learn how to pray, not in a traditional, beseeching way, but learn to pray as communion with the Great Spirit within and behind all things. From our confusion we learn to relinquish old ideas about Spirit, and when we return to our full awareness, we can learn to pray differently.
Many LGBT people hurt by religion do not take this step, to �pray as I have learned to pray.� Instead, we often look for a faith community where we are welcomed into the tradition of their childhood. We seek out a faith community where we can �re-parent� ourselves, work through the psychology of our original pain, receiving the care and affection from that tradition that we did not receive during identity formation. But we may not learn to pray differently.
It is important to �paint upon the altars/those old holy forms� until they shine differently, �fierce in their beauty.� Painting may mean changing their faces entirely, altering genders or mythologies, but such rebellion is simply seeing with new eyes. In the end, the Church must surrender to our �own deep soul,� just as our new covenant becomes between us and our own spirits. Only through the medium of one�s own spirit can one begin to commune with the Great Spirit/ Mother/ Father/ Creator/ God. Each of us must recognize and surrender their blood, �alive with many voices/telling me I am made of longing,� and enter the new mystery.
It begins with a rebirth into new awareness. It begins in a private, self-reflective moment. It begins with new openness to truth and the experience of living. It begins with �you, my power to feel.�
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