| FIRE IN THE LAKE by Ko Imani [email protected] Reach Me a Gentian "We were taught such lies as children, lies about God�s anger, His[sic] revenge and His judgment. We were taught such irrelevant historical tales instead of being shown the blinding light, more dazzling than a thousand suns, that is the truth of God�s love passed on from heart to heart. We see such bastardization of His teachings all around us, more small-minded than enlightening, more controlling than liberating, posing as His arbiters yet clearly His obstructers.� ~Marianne Williamson, Illuminata Many of us know the tale of Persephone, in which the lord of the underworld, Hades, abducts the lovely young Greek goddess. Demeter, Persephone�s mother and goddess of marriage and of the harvest, who brings forth the fruits of the earth, despairs of ever seeing her daughter again and refuses to allow any crops to grow until Persephone is returned to the light of the sun. At Demeter�s beseeching, Zeus intervenes and orders Persephone�s release, but Hades tricks her into eating a pomegranate that binds her to his realm for a third of the year. While Persephone is in the underworld each year, Demeter does not allow the earth to flourish, and winter overtakes the world. A lot of parents develop a kind of �Demeter Complex� when their children come out to them as Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Attractional or Transgender. These parents do not go through an ordinary, linear grieving process of releasing their own preconceived expectations and accepting their child as she or he is�which is ultimately healthy. Instead they become so convinced that the �lord of the underworld� has subverted their baby that they become arrested at the Anger or Bargaining stages of their grieving process, unable to progress to acceptance and a healthy relationship with their son or daughter. Of course, bad theology is the main reason our society inspires so many to rend their clothes, take up their lamps and follow Demeter�s lead. The mistaken notion that same-gender-loving orientation and gender diversity are sinful is usually at the root of a Demeter Complex. From these parents� point of view, dark and light forces are waging war for their child�s immortal soul, and their son or daughter�s homosexual orientation or expanding gender identity is proof that the forces of darkness are winning. The best antibiotics to treat symptoms of bad theology are love, logic and correct exegesis of religious doctrine, but even the best antibiotics are sometimes ineffective. Parents with a Demeter Complex can see logical reasoning, scientific research and even sound spiritual teaching as agents of the same �evil� that suborned their child. Of course, such information must still be made readily available to them. At the same time, only a swelling of heart can heal such a twisting of mind. That�s why it�s so important for families and friends, but particularly parents, of LGBT people who have moved beyond any grief and into joy to share their personal stories. Sometimes those stories are tragedies, like Mary Lou and Bob Wallner�s account of losing their lesbian daughter to suicide in Celebrating the Rainbow Behind Every Cloud. Sometimes they are inspiring, like the affirming journey Patti and Jeff Ellis took coming to terms with their son�s sexual orientation. They now operate a website called Family Acceptance. Suggesting that suffering parents refer to resources like these may lead some people to healing. Directly and personally sharing testaments of hope with parents caught in a Demeter Complex can give them faith in a future not so full of pain and separation, and offers them a safe and supportive space to learn and grow. Sometimes hard truths can only be heard coming from a stranger, a peer; a person who�s been there and knows what it�s like. For the sake of all the families torn apart over sexual orientation and gender identity, once you�ve finished grieving and fully affirm your LGBT friend or relative, reverse your mythic identification. Become Demeter the life-bringer instead of the withered mother of winter, and help other families grow back together. Once you�ve emerged from Hades into the sunlight, get prepared to turn around and go back for the others by educating yourself about love, logic, correct exegesis, storytelling and compassionate listening. Then you are called to reenter other parents� caves of arrested grief, not just in PFLAG meetings, since most �Demeters� will never come to one, but making yourself available whenever and wherever you�re needed. You bring with you the lamp of your success; lay out your story like a glowing thread, marking a way through the labyrinth to the surface. For information about the intersections of faith traditions with sexual orientation and gender identities, visit Steps to Recovery from Bible Abuse [www.truluck.com], Walk Away From Fundamentalism [www.ifas.org/wa/index.html], Al-Fatiha [www.al-fatiha.net], Frum Gay Jews [http://members.aol.com/gayjews], and The Living Circle Interfaith Center [www.thelivingcircle.org]. Also visit Mary Lou and Bob Wallner�s From Tragedy to Transformation [http://empoweringdiversity.com/anna] and Patti and Jeff Ellis' [www.familyacceptance.com]. Check out www.Bulfinch.org or the Encyclopedia Mythica [www.pantheon.org/mythica.html] for more mythology. For a free expanded version of this article, visit Ko online at www.geocities.com/newlgbtactivism/Demeter2. You can email him at [email protected], or write to: Ko Imani / P.O. Box 970688 / Ypsilanti, MI 48197. 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