AS THE author of two books on divorce, I try to accept as many
speaking engagements in high school and college classes as I can.
For it is my feeling that one answer to the soaring divorce rate
is "preventive thinking"--the time to face many of the problems
of divorce is before marriage. Lately, however, I find that at
every session someone will stand up and state that marriage is
outmoded and that the answer to the divorce problem is to live
with a partner without the legal commitment of marriage.
Unhappily, "living together" is a modern phenomenon, a
national trend today. Between 1960 and 1970, according to the
U.S. Department of the Census, there was an eightfold increase
in the Living-Together Arrangement(LTA). Why are so many people
opting for this arrangement? And how do they get into it?
Certainly, it's a very attractive idea sexually. But many
young people also say it's a good way to "test" marriage. Others
claim it's a terrific financial boon. And some don't even know
how they ended up together. He started staying over or she began
to leave clothes in his closet. These young people feel that by
not making their relationship permanent they can maintain the
spontaneous atmosphere of new love. By eliminating the legal
commitment, they feel they have eliminated the "bad" part of
marriage.
But the phenomenon is not limited to young people. Many
divorced persons burned in marriage are trying it. Some have
religious convictions forbidding a second marriage. Divorced men
who are financially strapped feel they can't take on the
responsibility of a new wife. Or the divorced woman may be
reluctant to give up the alimony which would stop with her
remarriage.
With all these "pluses" why do so many people engaged in an
LTA write to me about the problems they have encountered? Why
is the Living-Together Arrangement a detriment to those involved?
Let's first consider the college student who decide on or slide
into an LTA. You'd be surprised, once the subject comes up for
discussion in a classroom, how many youngsters tell unhappy
stories about themselves or their best friends.
Take the case of the young couple at Stanford. After they
moved in together, the boy lost his scholarship and was not able
to meet the high tuition costs from his part-time job. The girl
quit school in order to work and let him finish his education.
When he graduated, he applied for--and received--a scholarship
to do graduate work in England. The girl was extremely hurt and
angry; she felt he owed it to her to stay and help her finish her
education. They argued bitterly for a day, and then the young
man packed and left!
This situation is typical of dozens I have heard. The LTA
simply can't work when it breeds the mutual dependency of
marriage without the mutual responsibility.
Another example is a young couple at Georgetown University
who moved into an apartment together. The girl's parents,
shocked and hurt, cut off all their daughter's funds. The boy
suggested they split up and go back to their dorms, but the girl,
having had a terrible row with her family, insisted that it was
now his responsibility to take care of her! Both got jobs, and
the young man, not a strong student, fell behind and was unable
to graduate.
Certainly it's difficult to think in realistic terms when
a couple imagine themselves in love. But it is unfair to expect
parental values to be dropped at a whim. The censure of family
and friends is one of the greatest burdens the LTA carries.
Young people who need the support of family are very foolish to
chuck their long-term goals for short-term pleasures.
To be sure, intimate relationships are widely accepted
today, but any resourceful couple can find ways of being
together. Moreover, living alone at times and developing
individuality should be a prime concern of young people. For few
can handle the LTA until they have learned to live with themselves.
Some of the most heartbreaking stories I hear about LTAs
concern children. Whatever life-style a single male or female
chooses is that individual's responsibility. But to bring a
child into this atmosphere is to involve an innocent third party
in an experiment that can leave all parties damaged. Although
the law generally requires a father to support his children, it
is often difficult to enforce these laws. Women are frequently
left with the burden of support while the air of illegitimacy
hangs heavy on the child.
A divorced or widowed woman who involves her children in an
LTA may also be subjecting them to undue stress. Children
experience great pressures to conform. What the mother and her
companion view as a marvellous, free life-style, a child could
see as a freaky embarrassment. The man in question, not being
either father or stepfather, has no social definition as to the
role he should play in the child's life. In some states, a
divorced mother in an LTA stands a good chance of losing not only
support payments but custody of her children.
Even a highly motivated working couple should be aware of
the consequences of their actions. How you present yourself to
the world is how you will be judged. A young petroleum engineer,
living with a dental hygienist, applied for a much-wanted
overseas job with an oil company. When the company conducted its
routine investigation, and found that the young woman with whom
he was living was not his wife, he was turned down; the firm felt
that his LTA smacked of indecisiveness, instability, and failure
on his part to accept responsibility. Who is to say if the oil
company made the right decision? But, judging from a great many
instances, it happens to be the way things are. What a couple
may view as a sophisticated way to live, the business community
may see as a career impediment.
Heartbreak and setbacks are also in the cards for a woman
who moves in with a man in the hope of getting married. My
advice is to avoid this strategy. When you demand nothing of a
relationship, that's often exactly what you get. The very
impermanence of the LTA suggests that that is what each partner
has settled for. If marriage is what you want, marriage is what
you should have. So why commit yourself to a shaky arrangement
that keeps you out of the mainstream of life where you quite
possibly will meet someone who shares your views?
Many divorced women with a great need for a little security,
and with little faith in themselves, seek an LTA as a temporary
answer to help them get on their feet. All this does is prolong
their adjustment and reinforce their self-doubts. I'm reminded
of one such woman who told me she had been living with a man for
four years and wanted out but was afraid to leave. "Why?" I
asked. Because, she said, she feared to give up the free rent
and all that "security" she had with him. "Wrong," I said. "You
have no security of any kind. You stand a good chance of being
replaced by a younger version of yourself. And as for free rent,
that's no security either. Security is owning the building."
Probably the greatest single hazard of the LTA is that it can actually spoil a good relationship between two people who should eventually marry. Because it is entered into out of weakness rather than strength, doubt rather than conviction, drift rather than decision, it offers unnecessary obstacles. Knowing this, you shouldn't casually toss aside those inherited institutions that have had a history of success.
If I were asked to give one reason only why I am opposed to
the LTA, I would state quite simply that I am morally against it.
As Barbara Tuchman wrote in McCall's:"Standards of taste, as well
as morality, need continued reaffirmation to stay alive, as
liberty needs eternal vigilance." There are valid standards of
judgment which come from confidence in yourself and your values.
To accept a living pattern that goes against your better judgment
is to chip away at your personal freedom.
And what of love? You cannot hope to find love by
experimenting biologically. You don't build love by creating a
living situation designed to test it. You don't create love by
setting up a forced proximity. Love is. And when you love you
commit to it--for better or for worse. When we finally realize
that all our experiments in alternate life-styles, communal
marriage and open-ended covenants are simply a means of running
from responsibility and love, not to them, we will have reached
the beginning of maturity.(#)
ARTICLE No. 1
THE BIBLE'S TIMELESS--AND TIMELY--INSIGHTS by Blanton
ARTICLE No. 2
A SIMPLE SHORTCUT TO SET YOU FREE by Davis
ARTICLE No. 3
DIARY OF A NEW MOTHER by Geissler
ARTICLE No. 4
THE REMARKABLE SELF-HEALING POWER OF THE MIND by Hunt
ARTICLE No. 5
OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE BEAUTY AROUND YOU by Rau
No. 6:WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE? by Viorst
No. 7:THE SECRET OF HAVING FUN by LeShan
No. 8:PIED PIPER OF SEVENTH AVENUE by Comer
No. 9:OBEY THAT IMPULSE by Marston
No. 10:THE LOVING MESSAGE IN A TOUCH by Lobsenz
And some more...
No. 11:THE WISDOM OF TEARS by Hunt
No. 12:HAVE YOU AN EDUCATED HEART? by Burgess
No. 13:THE STRANGE POWERS OF INTUITION by Lagemann
No. 14:WHY KIDS ARE 20 DEGREES COOLER by Mills
No. 15:THE RIGHT DIET FOR YOU by Stare
And still some more...
No. 17:...The ABC's of It by Lakein
No. 18:The Day We Flew the Kites by Fowler
No. 19:"Touched by Something Divine" by Selzer
No. 20:How to Live 365 Days a Year by Schindler
Ascend to Second Floor
Recommended.
Ascend to Third Floor
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