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Tamara's dizzy spell left her confused and frightened. "What if I had been holding one of the babies?" she thought. And that thought escalated as she pictured herself dropping one of them. "What if I should pass out?" What if! What if! The fears continued to mount until she had a full blown panic attack. She ran to the window in search of air as her breathing had become restricted. "Look at me!" she thought to herself. "Here I am, responsible for two tiny beings and I need someone to take care of ME!" She wept bitterly for the turn her life had taken. It seemed she couldn't accomplish anything she set out to do. She so wanted to be the best of mothers, but she knew she would be unable to be that until she found out more about this dreadful fear that was slowly making a wreck out of her.

As she became calmer she heard her babies' cries. She walked into their room and looked at them through eyes filled with sadness. "What will become of you?" she said. "You deserve a better mother than I'll ever be!" Giving herself a shake, she mentally scolded herself for giving in to self-pity. Steven would be home soon and he would help her put things into perspective. All would be well once again.

The children recovered from their colds and although Tamara was more rested, she felt the change in her. She was afraid to venture out too far and began purchasing her foodstuffs and baby necessities from the corner store. She stopped going to the park. What if she had a dizzy spell while crossing the street? What if she had another attack of panic? She grew careless over her own personal hygiene and refused to answer her door. She grew to dread Steven's nightly calls, afraid he would detect the anxiety she was feeling in her voice. She just had to hang on for another while! One more week!

She continued to perform her motherly duties like one in a daze. The babies were so demanding! All she seemed to do was feed them..change them! They never gave her a minute's peace! And there developed inside her a dislike for them...a resentment! They were never satisfied! She would be filled with guilt then, and would draw them to her and hold them close.

The night before Steven was due home, she eagerly ran to the telephone in answer to his call. She asked him what time to expect him the following day and couldn't believe she was hearing right when he said that the program had run into a few snags and it would be two more weeks before he could get home. And the slender thread which was holding Tamara together snapped! He couldn't mean what he was saying! She began screaming into the phone, spewing forth all the feelings she had kept bottled up inside her in the past month. Steven was taken aback at such an outburst and had no idea what had caused it. He tried to calm her but by this time, Tamara was incoherent! He managed to get across to her that he would be on the next flight and although Tamara was completely distraught, she detected the note of disappointment in his voice. She hung up the receiver and wrapped her arms around herself and rocked back and forth. She was useless!...a burden!



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