Nina
Thank God I've found your page.I`m sure you`ve heard that many times and your grateful you can help people who`ve been misunderstood,laughed at, called crazy and left alone as I was. I`ve had Dr.s that horrified me because they wouldn`t listen when my blood pressure would be sky high and they`d double my medication-while I tried to tell them I was having a Panic Attack. One even trippled it. I will always believe I would have been seriously ill if I`d taken that medication.My present Dr. agrees.
I tried talking to the other Dr.,even left his office and went and took my BP reading at a drug store-- all together it droped 70 points in less than 30 mins. That Dr. refused to listen, why?This happened within the last year and it bothers me that 50 yrs. down the road, there`s still such ignorance in the medical field.
And now to you Eileen- reading your story was like reading mine, except my hell started when I was sexually molested by two elderly neighbors,then the guilt I felt was enough but I had a "hell fire damnation "Preacher" living next door after me . He told me that after I was saved God would "strike me dead" if I ever sinned again. I`ve lived every day of my life since with that fear.I was 8yrs.old at that time.
When I was 12yrs.old I was on tranqulizers- I think 12 a day- just so I could get out of the house to school. The old Dr. didn`t fully know what I was living, just that it was bad. I loved movies-the Preacher called them "the devils playhouse". I`d go but was so horrified I`d be struck dead, I`d sit in the middle of the theater,at first, and I finally could go no futher down than the first row back. When I`d leave the theater I`d have to walk home,oh the hell of that.Every step I took I was waiting to be struck dead. One day I realized I`d closed my hands so tight my fingernails dug into my palms so tightly they were bleeding.
After that I was homebound, at 12yrs. old. That lasted until I found scotch was a way of life for me. I found a fifth a day kept Panic away. I drank heavily for yrs. Years passed, I married,went to hell again. A man who loved every woman but me, and physically, brutially abused me until I had a breakdown with partical amnesia. Dr.s told me I`d not get the part of my memory I`d lost back because it was to horrible to remember. I never lost the happy parts of my life, I always knew my childern,my town, my friends- my mind closed out the bad hurts.
The Doctors were wrong, I started having Flashbacks, could not stop them and I`d be frantic trying to keep them from returning. At this time I had no Psychiatrist, my husband and I had separated and I was left with nothing and alone. I was having 4-5 Panic Attacks a day- which would leave me weaker and weaker. I stayed wet from head to toe,papitations,dizzy,would have to lean against walls to walk, knees like jelly and those damned trembles ! My hands would shake so I would drop things. I guess the most embarrsing thing was , in my most severe attacks, I`d vomit and have diarrhea at the same time. I was also having terrible nightmares. I finally got a Psychiatrist and it`s been a long,hard 2 yrs., but I now sometimes win a few.
I take Xanax, it`s the only thing that works for me. Yes, I know they say it`s addictive, but what choice is left, crawling around the floor,can`t get to my feet from shaking, vomiting while I sit on the toliet ?Thats not living. I choose to have quality of life and I put guilt behind me. I do what I must. I haven`t drank a fifth of scotch in 24yrs.,I don`t take as much Xanax as I once did,in fact nearly was off them until a family tragedy occured. I faced some facts, made some choices and gave myself approvel-even if I was wrong, at least I did something.
I realized I could live alone if having the people I loved love me at a compromise. I`m not as strong as I want,but I`m standing, I travel and love it.I go dancing- I remember my first try-I`d have to go outside and take deep breaths, walk while having an attack,going back in and dancing again. Take this and do whatever you will with it. If it can help anyone, so be it. I read your Pen Pal sections and even there some are judgemental,and I to want a complete cure and for some thats hard. I believe we should each walk at our own pace. I put on me no demands. I do what I`m comfortable with. I`ve learned to say no, make my own choices without seeking the approval of others,but with manners and reguard for others. You are doing a wonderful job, and the secret of your success is your total honesty.
