I have been keeping a journal for 12 years and would like to share some of the pages with you. Join me as I relate my joys and sorrows, struggles and triumphs. I'm sure that many of you will be able to relate to what I write, and know that you aren't alone!



"Functioning With Fear!"

Monday, January 14th, 1991



It's morning and I have to go to the market today. It's been two weeks since I've been outside; two weeks since I've breathed fresh air. My body and mind are rebelling at the thought of going out and I don't feel good at all. My head aches and I feel dizzy. My nerves are taut and I'm on the verge of tears.



I start to tidy up around the house. I don't want to do this. I want to go back to bed. I want someone else to do the things I feel compelled to do. I'm tired! I want to be free of this disorder. This is no way to live! This isn't living! Fearing each day...so tired, exhausted.




I don't think I'll go to the market today. But then if I don't I'll feel doubly pressured tomorrow, won't I? I know this from past experience. Oh, but it's been two weeks since I've been outside and we've had a heavy snowfall and the landscape has changed so that's going to throw me off even more.

I get a pail of water and start to scrub the kitchen floor. I hate that job but maybe some of this frustration I'm feeling will disappear into the soapsuds.

Well, so much for that! It didn't work but I do have a sparkling clean floor.




I look out my window and see the birds. Their antics usually cheer me up. Maybe I'll call someone. No! I don't want to be a bother. I look through the TV guide. Hey! There's a movie on tonight that I've wanted to see for ages. That's something to look forward to.




I recall my successes; the brave things I've done through the years.

The struggle continues...Why me? All I want to do is go to the damn market! A simple act performed by millions of people every day. Why me? No! No! Stop that self-pity trip you're on!

Come on, girl! Why are you doing this to yourself? How many times does this make, huh? You've lost count? I'm not surprised! Now get your act together and stop this right away!

I go wash my face. I'm still not sure if I'm going but it's a step in the right direction, right? Okay!! I'm going! Yes!!




I'm in the taxi now. There is snow everywhere but gosh, it's good to be out of the house. I go through the market at a fast clip. I'm leaning at an angle but then, so is the cart. Oh God,a friend of mine is coming my way. Run! No! Stay and talk for a minute. "Hi! How are you? Wish I could chat a while but I have someone waiting outside for me." Little white lie. How many does that make?




I'm heading back home now. You did pretty good, old girl. Another small victory! I've had many such victories...victories I would have no claim to if I allowed my feelings and symptoms to totally get their grip on me.

Dr. Claire Weekes says to "accept." Well, I do but I don't accept all that gracefully, do I?"