September 4, 1998
Today I am taking a new medication and I'm scared to death yet praying that it will help me.I'm tired of the daily struggle...the feeling of hopelessness...the despairing. I have to try this new medication. I've been on the present one for eleven years and only the fear of change has made me stay with it for so long. But it hasn't been working for me for a long time now and I've reached the point where it's either try the new medication or give up the fight..I mean that!
I ask myself how much more a body can endure. Every morning as soon as I get out of bed my heart rate increases to between 120 and 130 beats a minute. I sit at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and smoking a cigarette and I watch the flowers on the table vibrate in time to my heartbeat. Tea and cigarette, you say? Yes...I know they add to my anxiety. No one needs to tell me that. I hear and read about it constantly but to hell with that! I need their comfort. No! I'm not saying they're good for you but they help me.
Okay...so the heart is working overtime and I'm disoriented and light-headed but these are symptoms I've had for years and although I'll never get used to them I have accepted them. What I am finding very difficult to handle are the tremors. Tremors that snake through my body...wave upon wave of them...keeping me off-balance...causing me to stumble and stagger...feeling like the floor is filled with dips and hollows...leaning against the kitchen counter while I do the dishes...unable to walk a straight line...the feeling of my body rising and falling while I sit...never still...constant movement...invisible movements. I can't see the shaking... I can only feel it.I look at my hands and they're steady. At one time I thought I had Parkinson's Disease. My older sister had that for many years before she died.But that theory has been ruled out.
My doctor has been after me for almost two years to try an SSRI but I managed to put him off until today. So I sit here now with the new medication in my hand and unbelieveable fear rising inside me.
I get up and take a glass from the cupboard and fill it with water.Now the hand holding the glass is visibly shaking. I don't want to take the medication. Chances are it won't work, just as all the others didn't but I know I can't continue on this way.
The pill is now in my mouth and I'm washing it down with the water. Oh God! It's inside my body now and there's no turning back. I'm scared! I've turned into concrete! The seconds go by and I'm frozen in time. Nothing else exists but me and the pill I just took.
Nov.12,1998
Two months have passed since I took that first pill...two months of waiting to see an improvement in the way I feel.But there is very little change. I did have one good day when the tremors and anxiety seemed to abate a little. I savored that day and had a glimpse of what a normal day could be like. It was wonderful! I saw things the ways they are supposed to be seen...through clear eyes instead of through a haze. My footsteps were steady instead of faltering and uncertain. My heart felt lighter instead of weighed down. I embraced all that was around me and thanked God for giving me this day of relative peace.
The only side-effects I had was the feeling that my entire body, inside and out was on fire. This only happened twice and although this gave me a fright, it passed quickly and I haven't experienced it since. And even if I had, I could live with it. Compared to the many other symptoms I've had through the years,I classed this as minor.
I also noticed that my heart rate slowed down considerably. That frightened me as well because for years my heart rate was between 120 and 130 beats a minute, especially upon rising in the morning.Now my heart beats were lowered to between 90 and 100 beats a minute.
That day was wonderful but it didn't last. The tremors and anxiety were back the following day and I found that hard to take after my feeling of normalcy for 24 hours. And I despaired and I cried. I asked myself if I should continue to take the medication or give it up. I know we are all different in how our bodies react to meds and know that some people get relief after 2 to 3 weeks of taking a new med while with others it takes a bit longer but for God's sake, I've been taking this med for over two months now. Will I have to wait another two months for another glimpse of normalcy?
I tell you, my body is tired and my mind is tired and my heart is very heavy. I don't want to give up. I'm trying to keep a spark inside me burning but that spark is getting smaller and smaller with each passing day.
August 29th,1999
It's August now and I've been taking the new medication for eleven months. Around the third month I began to notice a difference in how I was feeling. The tremors weren't as intense or as frequent and my heart was lighter and the mornings were definitely a lot better.
A few months ago while I was at the supermarket with my daughter I experienced an overwhelming desire to stand up on a box and tell all the customers there that for the first time in many years I felt "normal." I wanted to tell them that I could see them all clearly...that I was taking my time and reading labels and not rushing around like a Tazmanian Devil, throwing this and that into the shopping cart. I wanted to tell them that I was savoring every moment of every day. I told my daughter how I was feeling and she said, "Go for it, mom!" but I figured I'd better leave well enough alone.
During this time I also acquired a dog...a sweet,sensitive little fellow who is my constant companion. He has made quite a difference in my life...a wonderful difference. He has gotten me outside into my garden more often this summer than any other summer. I've always dreaded the hot weather as well as the bees and most other crawling creatures. Not to mention the extra demands that accompany that time of year. But this year I've been into the garden every day planting flowers and weeding and really taking an interest in what I'm doing; not merely giving the garden a perfunctionary once-over. Oh, I'm so much more alert and even animated at times and I'm loving the way I feel.
My dog and I go for walks when it's fine and I have very little, if any anxiety. One day I even had the courage to go to the supermarket alone. I walked through the place as if I owned it!I sing or hum now as I go about my household chores.It seems like I've awoken from a deep and dreadful nightmare and slipped into a wonderful place that was waiting for me; a place which I could never seem to find.
Every day isn't perfect! There are times when the anxiety rears its ugly head and the tremors reappear out of nowhere but I think that's God's way of reminding me to not get too cocky and to not forget Him just because I'm feeling pretty good.
Taking a new medication can be very disturbing and trying for those who have a great fear of them. But should you find that you have no choice; that life is extremely hard to cope with and you know you have to do something about it please give the meds time to work. It took three months for my meds to work and I hate to think of how my life would be today if I had stopped taking the meds after a few weeks. Three months is a long time to wait, I know but most people see some improvement long before that.
The medication I'm taking is Paxil which is an SSRI and I slowly reduced my previous med Rivitrol, a benzo to 1 1/2 pills a day and that combination works for me. Keep in mind that we're all different and what works for one may not necessarily work for another.
If I have to take this med for the rest of my life I accept it without any qualms. It is making my life more bearable, enjoyable and allowing me to function in a way that I haven't been able to in twenty-four years.
Good luck to you all!
