The Black Hole!
Depression can vary in degrees of intensity. We all have days when we feel blue or down in the dumps due to some disappointment or other. But we usually get past these bouts and continue on with our lives and interests.
But if we have panic disorder or agoraphobia we tend to dwell much longer on how we feel. We tend to be extra-sensitive and vulnerable and find it much harder to get back on track.
I have battled with depression through the years. The mild bouts are difficult enough to overcome...but it's the deep depression that I have a hard time battling. I will never forget my past bouts and should I find myself heading in that direction, I do everything in my power to try and meet it head on and not allow it to get a hold of me.
How awful it is to feel so dead inside; to be void of all emotion. I recall those times only too well. I lost interest in everything around me. During one of these bouts I even lost interest in my baby. That was a really bad time for me because I also lost the use of my legs for several days. I lived with my parents at that time because my husband was incarcerated for four years for criminal negligence while driving a car. I loved my little girl but I just was unable to care for her. My mother took care of her but she was an alcoholic and I was nervous about her caring for her but I could do nothing about it. My father wasn't too pleased that my mother had the burden of my baby but he didn't say anything but there came the day when he told me to get up out of bed and be a mother. I told him that I couldn't and to my astonishment he slapped me in the face. I quickly arose and walked to where my daughter lay and picked her up. My legs were once more strong. I now think that what I had was hysterical paralysis and the unexpected blow from my father shocked me out of it.
Oh, the darkness and gloom that goes with depression! The sun never shines at those times.I would try as hard as I could to rekindle that tiny spark inside me but to no avail. I would lose all desire to go on but I had to. I forced myself to eat although the food tasted like sawdust and it took an effort for me to lift the food to my mouth.I grew careless over my appearance and just wanted to be left alone but I had a child who needed my support and caring.
Many bouts of depression followed but none were as severe as the one I just mentioned. I never lost the use of my legs again but I was hospitalized three more times through the years and during one of those times I had electric shock treatments..seven in all. I feel they didn't help me although at that particular time, shock treatment was said to make a new person out of the patient; bringing them out of their depression and letting them lead a normal life.
I now had two children and was trying hard to be a good mother to them because they were my reason for living. The depression became sporadic and I made the most of the times when the heaviness left me and once again that tiny spark was rekindled. I spent quality time with my children and got up the nerve to send my cheating husband on his way. You might wonder why I stayed with him all those years. It certainly wasn't love that kept me from giving him the boot. It was because I was afraid to be on my own, alone and raising two small children. The thought terrified me! But his cheating had robbed me of all self-esteem and my pride hit an all-time low before I reached my breaking point and told him to leave. Three months afterwards, I had my first major panic attack but that's another story....
For the past few years I've been handling the depression very well. It doesn't seem to get a death grip on me like it used to. I keep busy and if I feel myself heading for that "Black Hole" again, I don't sit and brood about it. I keep busy and talk to myself about anything and everything that will help me get past it. I keep in contact with others and no longer shut them out and I have a dog now who demands my time and love. He gets me out of bed every morning whether I want to or not. He demands to be taken for a walk so that gets me out of the house so as you can see, I have a lot in my favor these days. And I thank God for that.
I've learned that I should never keep my feelings and fears bottled up. I keep busy, I get angry, I speak my mind, I look for anything that will give me a lift and the incentive to get through each day, I try to be realistic and to try not to set impossible goals. As long as I can feel anger, love, fear, I know I'll be okay.
Trust me when I say that everything comes to those who wait!
Eileen Power
Copyright 2000
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