INDIFFERENCE!
Ten years ago myself and three others started the first panic disorder support group in Newfoundland.It was a success from the beginning and continued to function long after I left. While I was in the group,I came in contact with many people with panic disorder and other related disorders and would spend hours every day on the telephone, listening to people as they voiced their fears. Some days I would be in bad shape myself and many's the time my supper would get cold while I tried to help calm someone down. I was unable to cut the caller short because I knew what he/she was going through.
As time went on it slowly dawned on me that rarely would I receive a call on the weekends, yet come Monday morning the telephone would once again start ringing. People would tell me what a great weekend they had with their husbands, boyfriends,wives,girlfriends...they never inquired as to how my weekend had been. They all were aware of the fact that I had very little support at that time and that I eagerly awaited the opportunity to get outside for a while. Although I was hurt,I didn't speak my mind because I was a 'people pleaser'.I dared not voice any complaint. Yet it hurt to realize that no one bothered to ask me how I was doing or if I'd had a good weekend..
I began to drop a few subtle hints such as ,"Why don't you stop by for me the next time you're going to the market?" or "Maybe we can have a cup of tea together sometime." Promises would be made but never kept. When my hints turned to just short of begging and still no one seemed to hear what I was asking I found myself doing some soul-searching, looking for a reason why my pleas were falling on deaf ears. Was I to blame? Had I said or done something to offend? I was sure I hadn't yet I continued to blame myself and refused to believe that the people who called me on the phone could be capable of such insensitivity and indifference..
Before long,a hardness and a feeling of resentment took the place of my compassionate nature. Some special part of me died and I was filled with a sadness and a feeling of loss. That period of insight took its toll, causing me to lose confidence in my abilities as well as making me feel unwanted and lacking. I withdrew and spent several weeks in a state of depression..
When I finally realized the harm I was doing to myself I decided right then and there to never leave myself wide open again to be hurt by anyone. I continued to take calls and listened and encouraged but I made sure that this never interfered with my own well-being as well as my own physical and emotional health. I learned to say "no" and "enough" and if my feelings weren't respected then that was just too bad..
Petty of me, you think? Maybe! What one must realize is that I never asked the impossible of anyone. I merely asked for the chance to get together with someone who understood the complexities of panic disorder and how desperate one can become if they don't get to go outside every now and then.
I love and enjoy the company of people but I couldn't give constantly of myself and receive nothing in return...not at that stage of my disorder. A simple thank-you would have gone a long way with me.I needed encouragement and consideration too..
If someone has given of themselves to you in the past or are giving to you at the present time, return the favor! Don't continuously take without a thought for their feelings. Think of how much brighter their day might be if you made it known to them just how much they are appreciated..
I know we all don't think alike but I was always under the impression that those who suffer from panic disorder, or any disorder for that matter had a special sensitivity towards the pain of others. I would like to think that those I have talked about here are in the minority..
Eileen Power
copyright, 1999
