They say that parting is such sweet sorrow and I have to agree, especially since I've been friends with you for forty-three years. I never thought we would ever say goodbye. Why would I want to? Hadn't you stayed close to me through thick and thin? You were never far away. I could reach out anytime..night or day and touch you.
When we first were introduced some people said that you would end up hurting me but I ignored their words because I knew how good you could make me feel.
The years passed and I became totally dependent on you. I had to have you close to me constantly. How many cups of tea did we share...how many walks on the beach...how many books have we shared...? The smiles and the tears...
Little did I know that our time together would soon end...that I would be forced to say goodbye to you...that all traces of you would be removed from my home.
It all came to an end on January 4th,2000. I was hospitalized with double pneumonia and was very ill...so ill that I didn't give you a thought. When my doctor asked me if I had any association with you and I admitted that I did, I was advised to let you go. If not, I would never fully recover and although it hurt to let you go, I knew deep down that it would be for the best if we parted and never got close to each other again.
It has been one month and twenty days since we went our separate ways. I reach for you many times but you aren't there. I get your scent quite often and sometimes I swear I see your shadow floating before my face and I want you with every fiber of my being. But we must never come together again. And although I know that you are patiently waiting for me to weaken and go in search of you, I feel I must be strong and take one day at a time. Tomorrow will be one month and three weeks since we were together.
Goodbye old friend...I'll miss you!
Eileen Power
Copyright April 25th, 2000
Hello there! It has now been three months and three weeks since I last lit up and apart from gaining twenty-five pounds, which has all settled on my waist and stomach, I'm having one hell of a time.
Well, I have stopped rifling through the car's ashtray looking for a half-decent sized butt. I haven't seen my daughter's ashtray so clean in years. Usually you can't get it closed.
I no longer get on bended knee and beg my son for just one...just one cigarette...just one draw? My pleas are ignored but not before he once again reminds me of the bad shape my lungs are in; how sick I was and the "BIGGIE", "I saw your X-rays, Mother. Not pretty!"
I try to keep busy so that I don't have too much time to think. Cleaning out my purse one day I discovered that the bottom of it was covered with tobacco. There seemed to be enough to roll half a cigarette. I quickly went to my bedroom, locked the door and started to gather up the tobacco when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Such a crazed look in my eyes and a film of sweat on my upper lip. I was filled with disgust! Where had my sense of pride gone? Was I without a shred of self-respect? I threw the stuff into the waste basket. Anyway, I couldn't find a cigarette paper!
Some days I roam the house crying,"I need a cigarette!" but it does no good. Oh the longing to have my old friend back in my life again...to reach out and have it ready and eager to calm me down.
My older brother continues to smoke but never in front of me. Whenever he drops by and wants to smoke, he goes outside. I go with him, clinging to him but he's strong and has no problem prying my fingers off his coat. They all mean well, damn them!
On my visits to the shopping Malls I always manage to steer whoever is with me toward the food court and I sit in the smoking section, gulping in great lung-filling smoke but that will be over soon because the Mall will become a smoke-free building next month.
So it's been three months and three weeks since I last lit up. So I look like a suckling pig about to give birth but my house smells nicer than it has in years and I smell nicer than I have in years. But I'm willing to stink a little every now and then for the chance to suck that smoke down into my lungs every once in a while. I'll see this through, won't I?
This article contains humor and poetic licence but most of you are familiar with my sense of humor. Thank goodness I still have it.
I'll be back....
Eileen Power
Copyright
July 11th, 2000
Six months have passed and I still haven't lit up. The craving for a cigarette is with me almost constantly but I knew it would be like that.
I've gained another nine pounds...that's a total of thirty-four. I now weigh one hundred and seventy-one pounds. I'm hoping that my ravenous appetite will soon subside...that I'll soon stop substituting food for cigarettes.
I always thought that should I ever quit smoking I'd simply quit and that would be it but that's not so. Apart from the weight gain, my lungs will never be the same...they'll always be damaged and I may never reach full breathing capacity. The emphysema won't get worse if I stay away from the cigarettes but I'll be on inhalers for the rest of my life.Most days my breathing will be labored and I'll remain tired.
The doc said to walk as often as I can and I've been doing that with my dog. We walk around a nearby pond and I feel good about that. I've walked several other ponds with my daughter and her dog. One of them is 3 1/2 miles around while the other is 2 1/2 miles. The one that's close to my home is 2 miles. But like most things I have overdone things and must take a break for a while.
I won't say that I wish I had never started smoking because I did enjoy it, as you know if you have read the first two entries on this page.
While waiting in the car for my daughter today, a street person came to the car window and asked me if I had a cigarette to give him. "Sorry," I said, "I don't smoke any more."
January 4th, 2001
Hello everyone,
A year has passed and I'm glad to say that I'm still not smoking. It has been very hard and I'm sure it will continue to be so for a long time to come. I still reach for a cigarette every now and then but the screaming has stopped.
I have lost none of the 39 pounds I've put on.Actually I think I might have gained a few. I'm hoping that when the weather gets better my faithful dog and I will start walking around the pond again.
You know, I thought I would be able to run a marathon by this time but it looks like I didn't quit smoking soon enough because between the 43 years of smoking and the pneumonia, my lungs are damaged and whatever repairs were done, were done in the first 3 months. So I'll fight for breath every time I climb stairs, go up a hill or even a slight incline. But it could be so much worse.
In the space of one year, I DIDN'T smoke 14,600 cigarettes and I saved $4,380. I'm not sure where the money went but it feels good to not have smoked those cigarettes...although one wouldn't have hurt...OK! OK!
My best to you all and to those who are trying to quit.
Copyright. January 4th, 2002
Hello...Today marks the second anniversary of my butting out. Facing each day without my old buddy hasn't been easy so every now and then I cheat a little. Oh, I don't light up but while out shopping at the mall I keep an eye out for smokers who pop outside to light up and position myself downwind from them.Now, now, Don't wag your fingers and purse your lips! I'm doing the best I can.
I've gained a few pounds in the past two years. A few? Let's be honest here now and confirm the fact that I've gained sixty-one pounds in all. The extra weight has caused me to have problems with my back, hips, legs and feet but apart from that I'm okay! I continue to walk with my faithful dog because I simply refuse to give in. I won't allow my freedom to be taken away from me again. No sir!
Giving up smoking was instrumental in my weight gain but so was the new med I was taking at the same time as well as the steroids I had to take for several months and the inhalers; one of which contains steroids. So as you can see I have several strikes against me.
As I stated in my post a year ago I'm glad I gave up smoking. My home stays cleaner and smells cleaner and so do I! I never preach! What can be worse than a reformed smoker on a soapbox? You'll know when the time is right for you to butt out just as I did.
My very best to you all...
June 23, 2004
Good gracious! Here I am again. You'd think I'd have something better to do.
Well, it has been four years, five months, eighteen days since I butt out and would you believe that I still reach for a cigarette now and then? While reading a newspaper or book, sipping on a hot cup of tea I stop and wonder what's missing. And then it hits me...there's no cigarette hanging out of my mouth.
I realize now that I was fortunate to have had double pneumonia four years ago and to feel so sick and scared. If it hadn't happened I know I'd still be sucking on the cigs, ignoring my brown-tinted finger tips, the smelly clothes I wore and the looks of disdain I previously received from non-smokers. Let's not forget the hacking cough and sputum hawks.
And if that wasn't enough, let's talk about the cost of cigarettes. Here in NL. Canada, a single pack of 20 cigs now cost $8.00 with a carton priced at $80.00. Chances are I would now be incarcerated; bank robberies, hold-ups.
Yet for all that there are times when I miss my pal of 43 years. We were so close; never separated. Babies were born and people died yet my pal stayed by my side.
So here I sit, smelling pretty with all my fingers the same color and no dirty looks...well, none from non-smokers.
I surely wish I could end this on a more pleasant note but alas, my pal has had the last laugh. Instead of a cigarette between my lips, I have inhalers there 6 times a day and the way my breathing is going, I just may have to trade the inhalers in for something that will help me breathe better. I have COPD, emphyzema and asthma so it's one day at a time with me these days.
What irony! For 27 years I was unable to go alone without support. Now I can go alone but there are many days when I can't. Oh well! I was never promised a rose garden.
