Dear Susan,
Seven years ago when things seemed hopeless; when I so desperately needed help in coping with agoraphobia you came into my life. I read your advertisement in the local newspaper.You were studying to be a psychologist at the time and were going to do a thesis on agoraphobia and panic disorder.
Seeing the word 'agoraphobia' for the first time and the list of symptoms made my eyes open wide and my heart skip a beat. There was a name for what I had. I wasn't crazy at all. I immediately wrote you hoping to be accepted into your program. Within two weeks I was informed that I had been.I was excited, hopeful and scared.
During the months that followed there were days when I wished I had never seen that advertisement. There were days when I would be filled with absolute fear and would want to throw in the towel. The very sight of your car coming down my driveway made me want to lock my door and pretend that I wasn't home. And there were days when I prayed for my telephone to ring and hear your voice on the other end telling me that you would be unable to make it that day.
Then there were the days when a goal would be accomplished and I would be filled with such elation that I wondered how I ever could have felt that way.
The first time you entered my home I was anxious but you did your best to put me at ease. Over cups of tea we talked about agoraphobia and its complexities and symptoms. You told me that the only way to overcome these fears was to confront them.That constant exposure would help alleviate the fears and that the phobic situation would get easier to face each time I faced it. At the time, I was practically housebound. I had been avoiding the places where I had experienced panic attacks so my world had gotten smaller and smaller.
You told me to rate my anxiety level on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. You also told me that although the attacks could be frightening they weren't life-threatening. I was glad to hear you say that because there were many times when I had thought I would never live through another.
Getting into your car that first day wasn't too frightening but soon we had to stop for a red traffic light. While sitting there waiting for the light to change I realized that I was sitting in a car, miles away from home with a stranger. My anxiety immediately rose and sensing this, you asked at what level did I think my anxiety was. I told you it was about a seven and you explained that it was at that high level because I was finding myself in a phobic situation; stopped in traffic with cars in front and in back of us. You gave me an explanation for my fear and my anxiety level lowered.
We entered several small stores on that first outing. The actual 'going into the stores' wasn't difficult. I remained very close to the door but in order to overcome my fear I had to walk towards the back of the store. Although it was a small store the rear looked very far away. I took a few steps forward and as the anxiety rose I quickly headed back toward the door. With your encouragement I was soon able to walk to the rear with very little apprehension. You told me to never leave a place in a state of anxiety or panic and I never did. Not when I was with you nor in the years that followed.Even when the fear was so great that people and objects seemed to disappear before my very eyes.
The drug stores and the larger clothing stores were next and it was in one of those stores that I made a purchase. The first one in seven years. Oh, I had shopped every now and then with my daughter or sister but I hadn't been inside a department store in all that while. If I needed a purchase a family member would get it for me. Well, this time I bought it myself..a birthday card for my daughter. How pleased she had been when I told her what I had done.
I recall a time at one of the stores when I was unable to walk past a certain point without my anxiety rising sky high. I repeatedly walked towards that point but had to turn back time after time. With your urging and encouragement I made it past that point. Whenever I go to that particular store now I always make sure I walk past that spot that gave me so much trouble.
One day you asked me if I would like to have a cup of tea with you at a shop that was situated at the back of the store we were in. I said okay as there was never a time when I refused to try anything you suggested. There were times when I wanted to tell you to leave me the hell alone; that I was tired and you were really getting on my nerves but those times passed quickly. We got the tea and I started to pour mine into a cup but I was shaking so much that some of it spilled onto the table. I was terribly scared that day. I kept looking behind to see if the door was still there and it was but too far away for my liking. I needed to get out of there. My head felt like it would burst. You told me that I was doing great and you talked to me until I was calm enough to pour the rest of the tea into the cup.
Feeling a little confident one day I wondered off a little from you and when I looked up and didn't see you, I immediately panicked. I felt like I would die as I shook and my heart beat faster and faster. I didn't realize that you couldn't be too far away. I was thinking I surely would lose control and go berserk when I spotted you a few aisles away. The relief was actually painful and I could have cried.
You were the one who took me for my first ride on an escalator. Never in my wildest imagination could I ever picture myself getting on one because just looking at it filled me with dread. Yet you made it seem like something I was capable of doing so I stepped on to it and even though I was as stiff as a board with fright and kept my eyes staring straight ahead it wasn't long before I was grinning from ear to ear like a cheshire cat. I had accomplished another goal with your help and encouragement.
There were many days when I doubted my capabilities. Some days were just too overwhelming for me. Those were the days when I asked myself why I was doing this. If this was the price of recovery then I would prefer to stay as I was. I resented you so much because in my way of thinking I wouldn't be going through this if it weren't for you. I know my way of thinking at these times was irrational but normal. I knew you were helping me and that I learned something new everytime I was with you. This negativity rarely lasted long. Most days I would arrive home very pleased with myself and with what I had accomplished that day. Maybe I had walked to the rear of a store alone or allowed you to go out of my sight without getting frightened. There were many happy times and times when I felt very confident.
Time passed and the day came when I walked through the doors of the Mall! What memories that place holds for me. The distance from one end to the other was vast and I was totally overwhelmed and scared to death. I stood and looked at the great expanse and thought I would never make it from one end to the other...never! The babble of voices seemed to hit me all at once and my head spun. I was scared! So scared that I viewed everything through a thick haze. I found it very hard to focus and the people there seemed to move so slowly that they might have been robots. This wasn't going to work.
In the weeks that followed I could be seen there walking with you and going a little further each day. You encouraged me to take the escalators instead of walking the stairs. It was during this time that you suggested that my daughter Debby join us. I knew then that you would soon be leaving me. The day you dropped me and my daughter off at the upper level of the mall and said that you would meet us at the lower level is still very fresh in my mind. Everything you had told me and taught me was erased from my mind as soon as I entered the building.I was so used to having you by my side and I knew my daughter didn't know what to do if I should panic. I had come to depend on you. So the fear rose inside me and I began to hyperventilate, my legs turned to rubber and my heart pounded madly. My daughter, bless her, talked encouragingly to me but I barely heard her. My one aim was to get to where you said you'd be waiting.
All sound around me was muted and everyone walked in slow motion. I rushed down the stairs and there you were where you said you would be. When you asked me what my anxiety level was I told you it was 10. I was now clinging to a clothes rack trying to catch my breath and trying to keep from falling. Then you asked me if I would return to the point where I had started and return again to where you were.. I looked at you and thought," She has to be joking! I can barely stand up!" But I did what you asked! I left you and retraced my steps and as I walked my fear level dropped little by little so that by the time I returned, I was feeling relatively calm. I think you knew that if I had refused to do as you asked, I would never go back to the mall again. It would be another place for me to avoid.
The day I found myself standing on the uppermost part of Cabot Tower will never be forgotten. I had walked up the very narrow spiral staircase with you and the view was breathtaking...literally. And the day we went to the library and I got a library card...I could go on and on but I'm sure you have some idea of how you changed my life. I was far from being recovered but I had learned so much during the time I had spent with you. You prepared me for many other occasions when your teachings would help me.
I knew you couldn't stay with me forever and I did miss you for some time. My daughter helped me as best she could after you left. We would shop and browse and some days were good while others were pure hell. It was a long while after that before I recovered enough to go alone but the day finally arrived but that's another story.
Eileen Power
� copyright1980
