Isaac
A swirling inferno of colors stole my eyes from my body. The room was getting smaller and smaller�I don't know how long I've been in this place, but I want out more than anything. Reliving all the shit that has plagued me isn't the most pleasant experience in the world. I didn't know what was in store when I got out of here�but I had to stay strong. I woke up from the dream I was in and realized what wasn't real�and what was.
Sarah was real. Sarah�I really liked her. Didn't we all know that already?
"Mr. Hanson," Miss Johnson came back in the room to see me, "How are you doing today?"
"As good as usual�" I looked at her. I knew her name was Jeneca, she was 32 years old, and that her 2 daughters always liked to play in the playroom downstairs. My first therapy session didn't go so well�as well as the second. But the third was a charm as they say. It's been 2 weeks since I've been admitted here and I'm starting to get used to the atmosphere. It wasn't stuffy or anything, I wasn't in an insane asylum�there were some psychotic patients on my floor, but I wasn't there because I had a psychotic problem. I was there because I have a depressive alcoholic problem that needed to be eradicated as soon as possible. Yet they still say it takes time to make a person healed of such an addiction. Now isn't that quiet the oxymoron?
Most of the first day was discussed on the surface problems�how I got to be here. I explained about Sarah, my angel�and she had the nerve to tell me that I might not be in love with her. I might be mixing her up with the alcohol. They both gave me a rush�but I also told her that I dated her before the infamous incident� which is what the second session was about. Mostly I think the sessions went bad because I didn't get any answers to my problems. I didn't get an answer to why I should stop drinking�and the worst part was, she told me she wouldn't give me an answer.
Damnit�why do these women play with my head?
There are still times where I wish I could still see Sarah�she hadn't come to see me in the hospital quite yet�I'm sure she was off dating other guys, forgetting about me being here. Inside I still hated her somewhere, but the pain was numbed by the thought of her smile, even on the night that I raped her. I even was astounded that she had so much hope�it made me want to change.
I want to be better�so I can have her.
Zac and Taylor have been hanging out with her at the house�I've heard stories because they've come to visit me. My parents have been here too�but no one else is allowed�anyone under 18 is prohibited. I've heard they all miss me terribly, especially Ezra and Zoe. She spends most of her time in the Sanctuary room, playing her guitar and writing and such. She's been down with Taylor in the Lightning Bolt room cooking�he told me that's how she really gets her stress out right now. Zac and her will talk for hours about anything and everything�they've always had that kind of connection.
As for me? I've been wanting her to visit because I miss her�and she left me a note:
Isaac,
I know this is very hard for you, but you know this isn't easy for me either. I do miss you a lot and I'm glad you're there. Hopefully I'll be able to visit you soon�I just don't think I'm ready yet. I'm still hoping for the best.
Love,
Sarah
Didn't say much, yes I know�but it was good to hear that she was still thinking about me. I was still thinking about her�oh how I wish we could go back to the beginning before any of this happened and it would all be different. I would still be attracted to her in some odd way that I didn't understand�I was attracted to her for a reason I wasn't aware of. I just wanted to know her. Now that I do know her�I want to know more and more and more�and I'm sure if the events on my birthday had not occurred, I probably could have given myself the chance to.
There was still a piece of my past lurking around, waiting to resurface. I thought it was impossible after what had happened. It was one of the reasons that I was afraid to date very much. Why did I date so many girls in Sarah's absence then? I've always kept an eye out for who I dated�until I was severely depressed, then I just didn't care, but I knew I could never date a girl that was like Val again.
Valerie (you'll learn more about her later) was one of my girlfriends that I dated about 3 years ago while I was still on the road. I met her through Amber when we were still friends when she first got her lighting job. Oh yes�I didn't explain that either did I?
Amber now hates me. I told her to fuck off that day of the intervention�so now she won't speak to me. Which might mean trouble for me once I get out.
I said I'd explain later. Get off my case.
Something bad happened with Val�I mean, bad. So bad I can barely talk about. Yes�it's as bad as what happened with Sarah. But the thing with Val's situation is that it didn't just end with Val. Val had a lot of friends�that somehow found brilliant ways of finding me. I had to have heavy security for a while after dating Val�but some of them have snuck through.
Just hope Sarah's not one of them. That's why I hoped Sarah wasn't vegan�all the girls that Val was friends with were vegan. They called themselves the Ladies of the Shadows because�they always hid from me. It was like The League of Shadows in Batman Begins�except way too real for me.
All I wished for at the moment was for Sarah to be here�just to see her�I have the fearful feeling she will be the end of everything for me, but there's that glimmer of hope that she's bestowed on me that everything will be okay.
Just let her be the one. Please, God, let her be the one. I don't care what that therapist says�I know what I feel.