You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time
It's just enough to know it's there
When you go I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me - Jimmy Eat World "Polaris"
Sarah
Oh gosh�it feels like time is stopping just for me.
It's been 2 weeks�the boys have been staying in Pennsylvania and I could not ask for closer friends. Tay and I have been cooking mates�so far we've made frozen Waldorf salad, which looks scrumptious, along with my spinach balls. We have leftover fettuccini alfredo in the fridge along with homemade gourmet steak and gorgonzola pizza, vegetable lasagna, and a delicious Southern-style tiramisu with bourbon in it. It is yummy indeed. While Taylor is not with Penelope or Ezra, he's with Natalie and me cooking. Good stress relief.
I cannot count the days I have been in that house, but I knew I had abandoned my mother, who was deeply in need of my care at the time, behind at the house a couple blocks away. I lived for the sound of music within my ears. You don't know how badly I was just longing to get back to that dorm room. The sanctuary room would have to suffice for now. The pictures were still up on the walls, reminding me of what was waiting for me down the tunnel, but I wasn't going to focus on Isaac. I had better things to busy my time with.
"1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper," Taylor was reading the ingredients to me as I measured out the precise amount for our spicy chicken tender and herb potato dinner.
I slyly slipped the cayenne into the bowl and mixed it all up with the rest of the ingredients for the sauce which the chicken would bake in, "Taylor�have you noticed Cecily has been really�distant lately?"
"No," I wasn't surprised he didn't know. Zac and Cecily have been together constantly, but when they weren't together, she would always be sneaking off into another part of the house. I can barely catch her alone and when I do, she's always on edge.
Why she asked me if I'm vegan I don't know. She's seen me eat meat. I'm a regular carnivore on certain days.
Besides, Taylor had been so busy with Penelope in the house it was hard to get his attention either. I spent most of my time alone or with Zac anyway. Cecily has always been a little bit�goofy to me. She's always in a quirky mood when she goes out on a group date�or more precise, when they drag me along on their dates. She almost always gets the garden salad or something with tofu. I've never even seen her make eggs, so she wasn't really into all the food that we've made lately�especially the cheesecake.
"Why aren't you guys using tofu in that?" I remember Cecily asking curiously as Taylor and I were making a peanut butter/chocolate cheesecake.
"I've never put tofu in before, why?" Taylor asked curiously.
"You're killing the baby chickens," she sighed angrily and walked away. Taylor and I silently laughed to ourselves; I didn't eat eggs myself, but that's cause I'm almost 100 percent positive that I'm allergic. You're not killing the chickens�geez.
She was just acting weird and I didn't understand why.
"What are you guys making now?" I heard Zac come in the door, putting down Cecily's purse on the table and place his finger on the lightning bolt, making a shocking motion when he did it. That's our little inside joke�cause once I touched one of the outlets by the lightning bolt by mistake and shocked myself, so he makes fun of me now.
"Spicy chicken, nerd," I said, lightly kissing him on the cheek. I feel I have changed over the last couple weeks without Isaac around. Almost as if I've been reborn in a way that I can feel extremely comfortable around the boys. The family is coming up for a couple of days shortly�I don't know where they're going to sleep; I imagine no one will be very pleased if they have to sleep in the Black Hole.
I was even open to kissing his brother on the cheek.
Zac smiled a sly, yet shy, little smile back at me and wrapped his arms around me with my spatula still in hand and sniffed the air, "Yeah�definitely spicy. Just like you."
I laughed softly at him and smiled, "Yeah, I imagine you'll like it�we're making herb potatoes too, yummy," I smiled to myself as I got myself a Diet Pepsi out of the fridge.
"I don't know how you can drink that crap," Zac stuck his tongue out, "Nasty."
Giving myself a tiny smile before I took a sip, I thought of how silly Zac was�and how proud of myself I was. On the verge of crying 2 months ago�I found out I reached the 200-pound mark. Instead of going suicidal and cutting�like Isaac did when he was depressed, I instead decided to take action. Mom bought me a Gazelle Freestyle machine that I've tried to work out on but haven't been very successful at recently. But I did, however, limit my sugar intake, which is my weakness when I'm at school. I only have a tiny bit of sugar a day on my waffles and when I eat candy. All drinks that I have are no sugar, including my new bubbly buddy.
Bubble Buddy�just made me think of Spongebob Squarepants.
"It's good crap�you just have to get used to it," I smiled back at him, sticking my tongue out through the bottle. Swigging this stuff must be so much better than alcohol, I thought to myself quietly. I've only tried a couple of drinks in my life, to be honest, and I've never found hard liquor appealing.
What Isaac saw in it�I shall never know.
Isaac
I'm seeing the light for the first time�and it's in Jeneca's eyes.
"So dear�have you realized just what you've done?" she looked at me as my hands were strewn above my body, a moment ago cradling my head.
Salvation resides in this space�and I'm actually starting to realize it.
"Yes�I know what I did was wrong," I looked at her gently, "So I've heard that my drinking is a problem unfathomable to people that have never experienced it."
"That's not what I said-"
But I was drawing my own conclusions�that's what she told me to do after all, "Drinking so much in assess because of the incident with Val is definitely not the right way to handle her death."
Jeneca nodded softly, "Yes. I see you're getting the point. So�can you tell me about Pip?"
"Pip�" it was getting easier and easier to speak to Jeneca�I realized I wasn't escaping this; I had something to learn out of this, "Pip worked on crew for a little while. She's a member of the Ladies of the Shadows, you know."
"So you've told me�are these people real?"
I suddenly got angry and sat up, "Yes, I'm positive they're real. Celebrities have stalkers�I happen to have a hoard of them following me."
"For what purpose, Isaac? Why exactly are they all binding against you for? I've never heard of this group of people."
"It was immediately assumed by the police that Val committed suicide�even my brothers believe that," I eyed her carefully, "But I know better. She was murdered�by the Ladies of the Shadows."
"I've never heard a cover-up story in this area about that."
"It didn't happen here�it happened in Tulsa, where I'm from. Years ago�when I was 21�that has to be 3 years ago."
"So�why don't you tell me how you met Val?"
"I met her while we were on tour�she came backstage during one of the shows and seemed really nice at the time. Her friends seemed a little odd, they were those goth kids that wear all black and such�I'm not against any of them, but they just seemed strange to me. My mother never wanted me to go on any group dates with Val cause she felt funny about them too. She was always over at our house�we didn't go out very long, by the way," I added in punctuation, a sort of punch to let her know that I was taking a breather from speaking.
I know�I'm losing my wit, shut up.
"How long did you two date?" she crossed her legs.
"2 weeks," I looked at her firmly, "When we were together, she would always cut our dates short, and when our family made dinner�she would only have salads. I didn't think anything of it until the next girlfriend I had�then the next girlfriend�they wouldn't eat anything but salads and I found it really odd."
"I think that's enough for today�" she got up from her chair and damn�the clock actually said 3:30. I guess that means that I have to get back to my room and such.
I think I'm a changed person so far�but who knows? Maybe I'll relapse and I'll never see Sarah again. At least she doesn't eat only salads.
Damn�why can't I get the whole story out?
Sarah
I feel like a changed person ever since I've come here.
I've been addicted to AOL Radio and listening to it constantly. I'm in a gaming mode and Zac hates it when I can't be there to play games on the Gamecube with him. He got Sonic too and I love that game, especially when it was on Sega�but damnit, I love AOL Radio.
Listening to Staind now, I hummed along with the lyrics of "Right Here", I heard my cell phone ringing and I answered it softly and cautiously, "Hello?"
"Sarah�it's Isaac."
"Isaac?" I asked oddly. Was I reading my caller I.D. correctly? Why did he suddenly call?
"Yeah�Jeneca said I had a sort of breakthrough today, so I'm allowed to make phone calls."
"Aw, should I be blessed that you chose to call me? And who is Jeneca? Someone I should know about?" I smiled softly, kidding him around.
"Wow, you're awfully perky," he said through the phone, lightly making me smile. It feels like so long since he's called, it's good to hear from him, "And no�Jeneca is my therapist."
I smiled again softly, "Well I'm glad that you've had a breakthrough."
"That doesn't mean that I'm getting out soon."
"I know that," I sighed softly, reverting my eyes to World Class Solitaire�it seemed as if I played games to escape the reality that I'm feeling. My thoughts weren't even complete really�like I was going through some sort of relapse, "It's going to take time. I warned you."
"Honey," he cooed gently into the phone and I suddenly snapped into reality, "Jeneca told me that I should tell you the things I was discussing in therapy."
"Honey?" I snorted disgustedly into the phone, "Since when the hell am I honey? After you yelled at me when I handed you the admission notice?"
"You're the one that yelled at me, god damnit," I heard him yelling back and I was starting to lose my cool. I was actually in a really good mood for once, "You're the one who told me to wake the fuck up. Even though it was forced, I'm wide awake now. You told me I'm on your list of 'shit to deal with'. It doesn't sound like you're dealing with it if you're so fucking chipper about me not being there."
"Argh," I was getting angrier by the second, "Isaac�just because I'm not moping around every second of the day like you wish of me doesn't mean I'm not dealing with it. People deal with shit in different ways, get the fuck over it."
"I'm not letting you forget me," he suddenly turned meek, "I don't want you to forget me while I'm here."
Trying to gather my good attitude back into a jar to put back in my smile, I spoke again, "How can I forget you? I think that's impossible. Just�don't reprimand me for the way I deal with things. You deal with things by drinking�and that's bad."
"I'm dealing with things now, alright? Just listen to me," he spoke firmly, "You said yourself. 'I'm a hell of a good listener'. So listen to me. I'm trying to help myself�I know I'm dealing with a hell of a lot right now and I have a bad feeling about what's going to happen in the future."
"What about? With us?" I said softly.
"No�just in general," Isaac said softly and I knew it had nothing to do with us, "When I get out�I promise to make an effort to be better to you. It's a promise, you hear me?"
"Okay," I breathed softly, "So�what's bothering you?"
"Well�I've started talking about my ex from 3 years ago�Val. I know I've never told you about her�"
"Yeah, I've never heard about her�" I replied quietly, wondering what else he had to say about any ex-girlfriends that I didn't know about.
"I was 21 at the time�she acted funny most of the time we were dating, we really didn't date that long either, about 2 weeks, but she seemed like a nice girl with the wrong type of friends. It was weird, she was into really weird things too, I think she was influenced by her friends too much. All she listened to was Korn and really deep bands that I never saw the talent in."
"That doesn't mean that they're not good," I said sharply. I should know, I'm a real rock music buff right now and I'm into deeper metal stuff, but not anything like Cradle of Filth. It has artistic vision inside the lyrics that not many people see. I feel like I revolve around the music sometimes.
Music is the sun.
"Back to the point," he quietly continued his story, "She would always run out on me, we never really got that close or anything. To tell you the truth�we only went out for about 2 weeks."
"Sounds familiar," the coldness in my voice was evident. I wasn't feeling like myself without Isaac�yet I was feeling more alive than ever. Does that even make any sense?
"Why am I even telling you? It doesn't sound like you even give a damn."
I sighed into the phone, "I give a damn more than I should, and for once I'm having a good time with my life and plan to have more�Cecily and Zac and I have been going places and Tay and I have been cooking, that's more than what you've done."
"You don't know what the fuck I've done!" I heard the abrupt click of the other line and sighed into the phone.
Why did it have to be this way?
Isaac
Cradling my head into my hands, I cried. I cried for everything I had left behind, I cried for everything I might possibly be losing because of this�and I cried for Sarah. I never thought things between us could be this horrendous.
And just to think�things were going to be getting worse.