Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week - Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down"
Isaac
Uh huh, uh huh, I hear the gist�I'm losing my touchy touchy sense. Well, damnit, what the hell is therapy for anyway?
The drama is all around me. And the action will follow. What the hell is this, Fantastic Four?
"How is she?" I asked when Zac walked in the room followed by Taylor, carrying his usual Venti chai latte and sipping it, running a nervous hand through his hair. He was never really comfortable coming here, it set him off for some reason.
Probably remembers what happened to me years ago�
"Well, hello to you too," Zac smiled, a little happier than usual and turned to the bed where I sat down, the TV on mute on Fine Living, I don't even remember that being turned on, "Cecily's fine."
"I didn't mean her, I meant Sarah."
"I know you did," Zac laughed this little snort of a laugh and looked at me with fierce brown eyes, "I think she's hiding emotions from us, but it's understood. She said she deals with things that way. Like they don't really bother her, you know?"
"Sounds familiar," I looked straight-forward at the floral pattern on the wall of my room and wanted more than anything to write down what I was feeling in this place. It was like a prison�there were bars on the wall and everything. But every work person was so damn friendly I couldn't hate this place.
Especially the damn music therapist�every time I went to a session, I thought of Sarah�and thought maybe that could be her someday.
Sighing as I leaned back in the bed, "The question is�how are you doing?"
"Sarah didn't tell you that I called her?" I inquired with curiosity. I heard Black Eyed Peas "Don't Phunk With My Heart" through Taylor's headphones that were dangled around his neck. He was afraid to look at me. He's never really spoken to me since I've been here. I don't take it personally�like Sarah said, people have ways of dealing with things differently.
He's never really imagined me here�and now that I'm here, it's like he was wrong. And you know Taylor is the perfect one.
"Don't you worry about a thing, baby, cause you know you've got me by a string, baby," I heard him singing lightly with the voice all the girls love, slightly gritty and soulful. The voice that helped make my lyrics so beautiful was mouthing a pop song. It just made me laugh.
His look could have scorched my insides. Yet he still didn't speak.
"No, she never told me," Zac said quietly, sitting on the bed's edge and looked down, "She's been very quiet lately. She spends most of her time on the computer or with Taylor. I've dragged her along a couple of times with Cecily and I when we've gone out�and been recognized."
"You mean her or you?" I asked quietly. I knew people had recognized her too, which was the sad part.
"Yeah�both of us," Zac looked back up with a mixed look of 'I could kill you for what you've done to her' and 'damnit�I can't hate you, you're my brother', "It's dwindling down. When we first went out, people would actually come up and yell at her for the horrible things she's done, like it's not your fault, which they don't even know the fucking real story. Now it's just�sorry stares."
The tears were stinging at my eyes at the torture that she was still going through from my birthday night. Why did I ever do that? Why did alcohol consume me so?
Wait a second�did I just admit to myself that I have a problem?
"Sorry stares? What do you mean?" I stupidly questioned. I felt like I didn't even know her anymore. Like my love for her unraveled in this hellhole. She was this sort of stranger that I've read about in books and have always wanted to meet.
"Well�people in this area, so I've heard," Zac started as Taylor shifted uneasily, still standing up and not looking at me, "have verbally attacked her so much in public places that they started to feel sorry for her situation and wouldn't even say anything. I don't understand why people are so damn pushy about this�it's like they didn't read the story. Like it's automatically her fault, when half of it was an accident."
"Isaac?" I heard an inquiry from the door and I looked, not even smiling. It wasn't exactly a pleasant interruption, but it broke this awkward speech about Sarah.
"Oh guys�this is my new girlfriend, Paris."
Sarah
Good grief�
I didn't see any reason to go home anymore. I was too wrapped up in the House of Colors to even care for my mother anymore. She just had brain surgery last month for goodness sakes and I couldn't think of anything but my sorrow. I haven't been employed this summer�except for that one week that went wrong. My aunt fucking fired me! And why do you ask?
She hired her sister in my place�cause she wasn't even looking for a job and she needed the money. Who's paying for college textbooks here?
"Sarah�" I heard someone calling into the room and I turned around from my game of Tetris Elements and stared at Cecily's cautious face.
"Oh, hey Cecie," I smiled lightly since I haven't seen her in a while. Zac and Taylor went to the Behavioral Health center to see Isaac and they left me here�they insisted I come, but I refused. I'm not ready to see him yet. It would be way too hard on me right now with everything that's happening with my mother.
"What are you up to?" I kept hearing the blocks falling behind me as she had a cautious look on her face. She was never that bubbly, spontaneous person she was before and it threw me off because I'm so used to seeing her that way.
She sighed as she looked down at the carpet in my room and I was desperate for some social interaction since I was here by myself, "Just playing some Tetris. You?"
"Been talking to some of my friends lately," Cecily stepped in the room, sitting down on my sphere chair and snuggling into it, which I did a common cold night at the dormitory, "Back home."
"Really? Where are you from?" I asked curiously, knowing I had lost my game by the sounds emitting out of the speakers.
"Oh�California," she brushed her hair behind her shoulders, a couple curls bouncing straight back into their previous positions. She seemed extremely on edge and very pale lately�she's from California�shouldn't she be tan? Well, I thought at the same time, she has been dating Zac here a couple months now, she would have lost her tan by now.
"It must be gorgeous out there," I replied gently, not wanting to deal with her missing California. I wouldn�t know, I�ve been here in Pennsylvania all my life.
The new White Stripes song was streaming on with the radio, drums blasting and guitar riffs splashing into my ears, sorely reminding me of Isaac, �Forgive me for not being around,� I heard her say.
�I�ve been out of it myself,� the sun was starting to set now and she was starting to act weird in a sense, I didn�t even understand why really. She had this really reserved sense around her now, she wasn�t nearly as bubbly as when I first met her.
�Thinking about Isaac?� she questioned and I guess it was pretty obvious from my face that I was missing him. I�ve been trying to hide the pain I was feeling, and for a while, I thought I was masking it pretty well. Even my writing was suffering. I hadn�t picked up my poem notebook for nearly a month�and I know if I did, it would all be teenage angst. I�m too old for that.
Or am I?
I haven�t really written in a while, I already knew this, but was there some hidden reason, or was Isaac taking away my inspiration somehow? My eyes were growing heavy as I dreaded another day that my inspiration would subside. I don�t know how many hours I sat there staring at the walls. I knew Cecily had left, giving up talking to me for now, which was for the better anyway. My eyes were fixated on the pictures of Isaac and I from November, all blissful in our own little world. I thought back to the time of that and wished that I wouldn�t have been so numb to his charm.
Makes me wonder if I should have ever stopped liking J in the first place.
Isaac
�Paris?�
�Hi Ick,� she called me by my nickname and her frizzy blonde hair was back in a ponytail. She had a genuine smile on her, but mine was fake. Everybody was sure of it. Zac, at this point, was practically foaming at the mouth because even in the nut house, which is what I�ve heard Taylor calls this place, I could get a girlfriend. And yet, Taylor still wasn�t speaking.
But I couldn�t get Sarah. No matter what.
Zac seemed na�ve to the fact that even though I was in rehab, I could still see people. It wasn�t set in stone that I have to be with Sarah. It�s not set in stone that we have to be with anybody, even if you�re married. You choose to be with someone.
Since I can�t be with Sarah�I want to have a companion. That�s where Paris comes in.
�I can�t believe you,� he looked at me harshly, getting off the bed and storming out of the room, calling through the door, �C�mon Taylor.�
Taylor looked back at me for a brief second, letting his eyes divert from Paris back to me, back to Paris, and slyly walked out of the room.
You little devil.
�What�s the matter with them?� Paris sat down on the bed next to me, lightly rubbing my rough hand. I sighed softly as her hand brought me minimal comfort. We both knew what this was.
She just didn�t care.
�Taylor is choosing to ignore it�and Zac wishes it were him,� I replied quietly, pulling out a piece of paper from the side of the bed. He always stuck messages from the family there, usually saying how much they missed me, but it was different this time. It was a piece of computer paper, not like the handwritten pieces I�ve gotten from the family, and that immediately threw me off.
�Want me to pitch it?� I heard Paris ask as soon as I opened the paper.
�No�� I looked at her, slightly hurt and slightly disgusted at the same time, �It�s from Sarah.�
�Really?� Paris leaned over my shoulder, knowing the story about Sarah already, �What�s she got to say?�
Considering Paris is my girlfriend, she�s awfully supportive of me working things out with Sarah. I opened the neatly folded piece of paper, littered with a couple of flowers at the top and it smelled of the Herbal Essences she shampooed with and Pearberry from Bath and Body Works.
I looked down at the paper and read:
Isaac,
How have you been fairing? I can�t say I�ve been.
I�m deathly afraid of sending this note to you in fear that you will rip it up and never want to speak to me again. The boys haven�t told me how you are doing or anything. I don�t want them to. I�m thinking they�re giving you shock therapy for a weird reason, I know they aren�t�but I�ve never been there, I don�t know for sure. Needless to say, I�m afraid because of the conversation we had the other night�obviously didn�t fair so well, so I�m giving it another chance.
My mom still hasn�t been feeling so hot�but that�s to be expected when you have gamma radiation on 6 tumors in your brain. I haven�t been doing too good either�to tell you the truth, I�ve been pretty damn depressed without you here. Even with the turmoil we�ve been through and the arguments, it�s better to have you do that than have you out of my life.
I�m aching for school to be back in. I�m going to have a single dorm room this year. Maybe, if you�re out by then, you could help me move in it. I have a brand new black mini-fridge and I�m hopefully going to take my Gazelle and work-0ut with my old roommate, Denise. Andrea�s an R.A. now, so she�s too busy. I�m also addicted to Diet Coke, Green Day *aided by my cousin*, and a cartoon online called Potter Puffs. Don�t ask (lol)
I honestly can�t wait till you get out of there�I�m hoping you�ll be for the better�and we could work something out. Start over in a sense, you know? I don�t want to give up on what we had before�that night. I know we could still be something great, like I did before�I�m just scared. I�m scared it won�t happen.
Please write back�or call�I would like to hear from you.
Sarah
Even after Paris left that night, I stayed up late and read that letter over and over in my head, thinking about seeing her and talking to her�and holding her�
Damn, why can she get to me like this. Duh, dimwit, you love her.
She seemed like she was doing okay in general, nothing was really bothering her in the sense, and if there was, she would have mentioned it in the letter, right? Why didn�t she come visit me?
She�s not ready, she wrote that down already.
Good grief, I feel like writing�when�s a beer when you need one? I looked down at the lyrics that were strewn on the side desk and I could barely see the wood anymore. Every inch of desk space was reserved for a sheet of paper�and this one would go on the desk.
Just in a special place.
I heard my phone ring quietly since I had put it on low (we were not even supposed to have them, but since my breakthrough, they let me have it) and I answered it quickly before anybody else heard it ringing and started asking me questions, �Hello?�
�Isaac? It�s Sarah.�
Wow�this has got to be the first time she�s ever called me, �Hey�I read your note.�
�You got it?� I felt her smile beam through the phone as it sounds she�s been having a rough time without me, �So�what�s on your mind?�
I found it interesting she didn�t try to push the note at all as to see what I thought�or was she? �Just stuff.�
�Listen to me Isaac, please,� she suddenly sounded desperate, �I want you in my life.�
�You do?� I asked, like I didn�t know this already and realized it quickly, �I already know that though. I want you in my life too.�
�I was almost ready to give up�� my heart was pounding faster and faster as I held the phone tight to my ear, �But I can�t. I give a damn about you too much.�
�I know you care, I care about you too,� I looked at the blank walls. It sounded like some shuffling was happening in the background and I was starting to get concerned, �Is everything okay?�
�Yes, everything, in general, is okay with me�it�s Cecily I�m worried about.�
�Why are you worried about Cecily?�
�God I�m scared,� her breath became short, �She�s been acting hostile lately and very, very isolated. I know I overreact to things�but I think there�s something wrong with her.�
My eyebrows shot up curiously as I stared at the phone, like I could see Sarah on the other end cowering up, �Curious question�is she a vegan?�
�Uh�yeah as far as I know,� she replied and the first clue was answered.
�She from California?�
�Yes,� she replied even quieter than before and I knew the answers were going to come forth; we could have our next Lady of the Shadow if the 3rd thing were in place.
�Does she have�� I asked quietly, as not wanting to scare her more, cause Cecily was isolated�I wondered why it could be Cecily though. She seemed so nice, but I had to keep the ones I love safe, �A red XO sign tattooed on her wrist?�
She thought for a couple minutes and I thought for a second that she might have been hurt, until I heard her breathe, �I�ve noticed one on her wrist. Why?�
�Get out of there�she�s dangerous.�
�I have a feeling she�s on drugs�� she didn�t get the point. She had to get out of the house, as well as the boys. If they knew what they were dealing with�
�Just whatever you do�stay away from Cecily��
Part one initiated. This girl�s going down�no one takes my Isaac from me.