I�m becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away and well, you might say I�m losing focus
Kind of drifting abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself � Nine Inch Nails �Only�

Sarah

As I reached for my demi-glace left of my Fuzzy Navel, I thought about what had happened within the last week. We explained everything to Mom and she understands�she just misses me. I looked into the eyes of the guy I used to like a long time ago, J, and I was practically living it up. I was forgetting everything that was wrong and I was so glad. I had the guys staying there, which was very gracious of J, considering he was house-sitting for his best friend while they were on vacation.

I�m officially in hiding now.

We told him briefly what was happening and he was more than happy to oblige the house for a couple nights for our safety. Cecily had no clue we were hiding from her�we told her we were all going to Cedar Point for a couple nights and she wasn�t suspicious of us leaving, I�m pretty sure. We didn�t investigate if she had a criminal record, but Isaac had his word and once Taylor heard the words �Ladies of the Shadows��his eyes went blank.

Obviously�they were familiar with the name. But I had no clue what the hell was going on.

�Beer Pong anybody?� James asked while he popped a beer open like an expert alcoholic. Despite the fact that he is 20 and is not allowed to drink (if his parents would have seen him, he would be dead), he sure does drink a LOT. I have already had 2 full drinks and he wants to give me more to drown the pain. I know, somehow, that he knows about the situation with Isaac, but I just don't know how he found out. He's determined to drown my pain in the alcohol.

Hello, stop! I'm not going to turn into Isaac here.

Zac, almost reading my mind, took away the glass mug that should have had some coffee in it and set it on the side table while they were paused at playing their Playstation 2 game. Of course I was playing too�and what was nice was that I could actually keep up with the guys in the racing games.

Mario Kart is my friend.

"Aw damn girl," Zac was whining after he had lost to me again. I wasn't beating everybody; Taylor was a horrible racer; he always came in last. James beat all of us. Zac had his moments when he beat me and when he suffered ill defeat. I didn't hesitate to rub it in his face either.

"You suck," I stuck my tongue out and gave myself a confident, smug little smile.

"Aw shut up," he smiled wide at me, tackling me to the ground and off the mattresses that were set up on the floor for us. Completely knocking my head back into the couch, I was laughing like crazy as he started blowing raspberries on my stomach. Taylor gave us a funny little smile and I got up quickly, shoving down my shirt and Zac gave me a pouty face.

"Get over it, stud," I laughed at his face as it contorted into ticking his tongue out of the side of his mouth.

"Seriously, does anybody want to play Beer Pong?" James looked at us, a little annoyed, but I blew it off.

"Nah," Taylor and I both answered and Zac shook his head but said, "I'll just have a Miller, okay?"

"Sarah, want anything else?" James grabbed my empty mug and I was starting to feel the buzz of the vodka filtering through my blood. It felt good, just like it did at my mom's friend's Fourth of July party last year, and I wanted more of that feeling. Rarely did I feel this way ever since Isaac was admitted to the hospital and I didn't want to pass the opportunity to feel more of it.

I simple replied, "Anything with cranberry juice."

Isaac

My diaphragm was aching in pain of what Sarah could be going through now. They�ve been gone for a couple days and I know that if Cecily was a real member of the clan, she could be very dangerous�even murderous. Stomach cramps suck alone, but when they deal with her�it feels like a steel beam is being lodged inch by inch into my stomach.

Love hurts. Literally.

I did receive a nice gift before the guys went into hiding. Taylor, still not speaking a word, came into the room first with something strapped on his back, surrounding his thin frame from the flipside with a glow that I haven�t seen since I left.

My acoustic guitar.

�The ladies down the hall said that since you�ve been progressing well, you could have the guitar,� Zac smiled as he poked his head around the doorway, giving me a Zac-like shit-eating grin and I just had to laugh.

�Did Sarah talk to you guys about what�s happening?� I asked, wondering if she did. She did sound distraught after I had told her what was going on. Well�it was more me than anything, but that�s besides the point.

�Are you sure it could be Cecily?� Zac looked at me carefully, wondering if I was sure of Sarah�s word. I know that he trusts her more than he lets on and that kind of makes me suspicious of him sometimes as well, but I know he would never do anything to harm me, �She doesn�t seem suspicious to me.�

�Sarah told me that she saw a red tattoo of a hug-kiss on her wrist�what else do we need?� I asked frantically, getting scared quickly.

�I don�t know�how about a criminal record?� Zac looked me directly in the eyes, wondering what could have possessed me, �You know�it�s things like this that make me grateful you�re in here.�

�What the hell does that mean?� my eyes squinted at him to an immediate scowl as Taylor handed me my guitar and I held it close, almost acting like it was a shield in front of me.

�You have a lot of nerve accusing my girlfriend of being part of your teeny stalker group,� Zac stood up harshly, his fists clenching together.

�They�re not fucking teeny stalkers, you know that,� I stood up, fully ready to defend it, being so used to defending myself when I was drunk�the confidence was passed on, �You know they�re dangerous to all of us.�

�Just because your ex committed suicide doesn�t mean there�s some kind of cult after you,� Zac sighed deeply, looking at me in disgust, �Look, we brought your guitar. Just be happy, alright?�

�Cecily has a fucking tattoo on her wrist!� I yelled at him harshly, �What the hell else does there need to be?�

�You know what? Shut the fuck up about Cecily!� Zac looked at me as Taylor was now leaning against the wall outside and people were starting to look into the door, seeing what was going on, �She�s done nothing to you.�

�Just�you know, you may think I�m nuts, but Sarah�s noticed a change in her, and you like her, don�t you?�

Zac was quiet for a moment, contemplating everything. I knew he was secretly resenting me for everything that I had done, but also secretly longing that he�d be the fuck-up in the family�cause Mom was certainly taking it hard that her son was in rehab. I also knew there was a slight chance that I was right about him liking Sarah�I just didn�t know what sense anymore.

�Yeah I do�more than you know,� he looked at me with eyes that definitely changed their mood. It was like he was wearing a mood ring that was suddenly changed from bright amber to cool blue. That�s what did she to him�what she did to me.

�So listen to her�� I looked at him, �I don�t want any of you guys hurt, you hear me?�

And that�s all I had to say.

Sarah

Wow�that pool sure is cold.

I went swimming in my t-shirt and it was the best time I�ve ever had. I won�t dare go near that deep end though, that�s creepy shit and J knows that. J knows everything�he�s a fucking genius though. Does anybody have a fucking floatie noodle here? Then I�ll go. It�s like crick swimming. I�m scared to death of deep water.

�Taylor�you are so adorable,� I draped my arms around his shirtless figure, who was tossing a beach ball to J and I yanked him down further into the water, making him shiver slightly, �You know�I used to like you first.�

�Very flattering,� he smiled gently, but blew me off.

�I�m serious�I wrote�I wrote you letters,� I leaned my head back in the water for what seemed like four minutes and stared up at the night sky, �I used to adore you.�

�Along with millions of others�� he blew me off again.

�You know�whatever Taylor, whatever, I�m going to play with Zac,� I raised my head out of the water, splashing him for one last attempt at having fun. His thin shirtless frame was drenched in the chilly summer air and I had matted his hair to his face.

He�s not as sexy wet�oh who am I kidding? He�s still fucking hot�even if he has two kids.

I quickly headed over a couple week and wrapped my arms around Zac�s neck, his t-shirt thickly sticking to the back of his neck, �Zac�gimme a ride.�

�Sure,� he smiled at me gently, pulling me around the shallow end of the pool. I was laughing and hollering at J, who was hitting whiffle balls straight back up behind him while Tay was throwing them at him. We had to drift over to the deeper end of the pool to get out of their way and I held onto his neck tightly, �Don�t worry�you�ll be okay.�

I could use another one of those cranberry drinks right about now.

My head was spinning as I wrapped myself tighter against Zac�s hold. I knew he was a tad bit drunk as well�I had never felt this good before. I don�t remember what it was like when the E had full effect, but I bet I felt good at the time as well. He set me lightly on the stair at the deep end and I cautiously turned around and stepped out of the pool, afraid of the deep end for a moment. He slipped off his shirt flawlessly and threw it to the side, a wet thump colliding on the pavement.

I could hear him begging, �Sarah come back�you look so pretty in just a t-shirt.�

�Okay, stud, I just need another drink,� I winked at him playfully as he smiled a bright white smile at me, like it was a piano in his mouth. Isn�t that supposed to be Taylor�s instrument. Thinking that, I laughed hard, one of those good belly laughs�like watching Santa�s belly jiggle, and I didn�t care.

J had brought the liquor outside because the guys kept going inside to get some drinks while we were in the pool. We all looked like raisins, but we didn�t want to get out very often because the air was freezing. God what month is this?

What the hell is this bottle?

I tried to read the bottle�it looked like water, but I smelled it and knew. It�s vodka. I didn�t care. Grabbed a glass and poured half of the glass full of it. Grabbed the orange juice and poured more of it in. Grabbed the Peach Schnapps and poured more of that in�feeling the cold liquid splash over my hands and onto my toes. I giggled at the feeling and started chugging the liquid in the glass down my throat.

Damn I love peach�and orange juice.

�Sarah, get in the water!� Zac was imitating Noah from The Notebook and I couldn�t help but laugh. I felt the buzz even more in my brain and it was getting harder for me to walk. Or stand up that is. I felt so good though�

I�m fucked up and I want to dance!

The alcohol was burning in the back of my throat so strong that I could barely drink anymore, so I set my glass down, halfway full still of the booze I put in it, and jumped in the pool with a strong splash and a twist of my ankle. My body slipped into the deeper water, down the slope, until the chlorine was burning my throat as well as my eyes. The water was above my head and I was sure I was going to die.

Zac pulled me up in the nick of time.

�Are you alright?� he asked while I was coughing up chlorine and my eyes were stinging like hornet had stung them. I held onto him as he sat me down on the shallow side steps and looked into my eyes, hugging me tightly.

�She�s fine, Z, she�s just being retarded,� Tay leaned up and the armpit hair looked ugly underneath his arms. Shave, damnit! What the hell is wrong with me tonight, �Ignore her, she�s totally tanked. As are you.�

�Hey, shut the fuck up!� I yelled at him, walking over and taking a weak swing at his face, coming short and slicing through air. He let out a short little laugh.

�Becoming just like Ike, aren�t you?� he sneered at me and my mouth dropped into the pool, �Why don�t you just start sleeping with random men to forget him? That�s what he�s been doing to you. I don�t understand how you love him�when he clearly doesn�t love you back.�

�Fuck you,� I said quieter than I intended to. I meant to yell it in his face. But I liked him more than that. As a matter of fact, I don�t think he heard me.

Zac hugged me gently and leaned his head on my shoulder, like a puppy. Puppy Zac. Sounds very cute. I petted his wet head and decided not. Wet dog hair is yucky.

Anybody got carrot cake? Dwiohegoihdbjk;qe, that�s right�uiqvbhjvsdhiowdgsoipuweg�wow�it�s getting fuzzy out here�

Isaac

Paris was sitting on the end of my bed in her purple nightshirt and a bright pair of green pants. She has never been one to care about what she looks like�or how colors go together. Have I told you she�s an artist?

�So�how�s Sarah?� she smiled gently, her bleached hair pulled in a tight ponytail and the black circles underneath her eyes turning into black holes in the morning light. They were interesting to stare at.

I looked around the room. She always found art in my room. More recently, she found art in my guitar, which made sense. I had spent some time de-dusting and cleaning it and now it had a bright shine in the sunrise. Might as well have a piece of art in a jail cell.

�I don�t know, she hasn�t talked to me in a while since they�ve went into hiding�so I�m hoping she�s alright�� I was watching her finger tracing stencils into my sheet. I imagined it was her imaging me laying down, tracing my figure, or it could possibly be her pretending her finger is a paintbrush and the sheet was her canvas, drawing her latest masterpiece.

Damn now I wish I had some paint.

Paris remained by my side for most of my morning, sitting by me at breakfast and held my hand for support during her treatments.

Oh yes�she has cancer.

Leukemia to be exact. I never inquire much about it�I know she�s far along though, that�s why she�s been so pale, and she�s truly waking up and wanting to be with someone�even if it�s temporary. It�s definitely a plus thing since I�ve felt rather lonely without visual contact from Sarah since I�ve been admitted here.

We were sitting in my room again and I was telling her a little bit about the songs I had written recently about Sarah when a young black nurse stepped in the doorway, �Mr. Hanson? You have a visitor.�

My smile brightened as Paris looked at the doorway�

Shit. Cecily.

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