There are moments when
When I know it ends
The world revolves around us
And we�re keeping it
Keeping it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all knowing � Straylight Run �Existentialism on a Prom Night�
Isaac
Everything seemed like a blur. Everything seemed like it wasn�t real. Every thought was melting together into one cohesive theme. All the engines in my head were pumping full speed�
�Cecily?�
My train of thought was completely knocked out of whack as I saw the woman I hated in front of me, �What the fuck are you doing here?�
�I see you haven�t changed,� she replied shyly, putting her head down.
�She got lost,� Cecily replied, letting Sarah�s arm go and it was almost like she was letting her out for the dogs to eat, �She was trying to find your room��
And without a word�she was gone.
�Isaac�� Sarah was standing in front of me, the culmination of everything I had seen in the dream almost a year ago�except it was real this time. This time�she kept floating away when I went to touch her. Not in the literal sense, just�in my psychological sense.
�What�� I was still lost for words. I couldn�t believe she was actually here, even though I knew she had warned me of her visit a couple weeks earlier�or her need to have one, �What are you doing here?�
She was chewing on a piece of her hair, her eyes diverting to different areas in the room, almost like she had stepped into a bubble that didn�t display the real world�when in reality, this was probably more real than where she was in her life, �Visiting.�
�Well, that�s obvious�� I looked at her with passion and offered her a seat. I wasn�t sure whether she would want to sit on a chair or on the end of the bed.
�Oh�you got the guitar,� she smiled gently at the goddess that was propped up on the stand in the corner of the room now. I don�t even know Annette got over there.
�Yep.�
�How do you like it?�
�I love it. Plays beautifully.�
�You written anything with it lately?�
�Not too much, I�m still trying it out.�
�I picked it out you know.�
�You did?�
�Yeah�went down to Guitar Center down in Monroeville�they were having a sale,� she giggled gently. God I missed her�her eyes were sparkling. How could I have ever thought I could lose feeling? �Had a little help from the guys, though.�
�Monroeville�� that sounded familiar for some reason.
�Yeah, you guys did a promotion here about 5 years ago�for charity on B94�� she tried to press me, �There was a major scene and I�m pretty positive you fled through the Lazarus next to it�it was like Paramus all over again��
�Oh yeah, Monroeville!� my voice exceeded excitement, then resentment for remembering that day, �That day was crazy.�
�I know,� she sighed softly and then I softly laughed at her �they were having a sale� comment. God, I was such a dork back in �97. SUCH a dork.
�Wait�how do you remember Monroeville?�
�I was there,� she smiled softly, �Waited 4 hours in line�then you guys left early. Couldn�t blame you really..� she went off into her own little ramble about her �fan� experience, �Met some really nice girls there. We made a pact that if one of us met them�we would call the other 2 and let them know. I forgot to call.� And she blushed.
�You were there? Wha-� I was flabbergasted. How could I not have noticed her? How could she have been there 5 years previous and I not been aware of it? I could have seen her, I could have touched her, I could have known before hand.
�Ike, I�m just another face in the crowd.�
�Seriously�no you�re not,� I looked at her, grabbing her arms, trying not to be overassertive, �You don�t look like anyone I�ve ever known. You have a face that no one can forget,� she looked at me like I was crazy and I looked her in the eyes, �I�m dead serious. I can�t forget your face. I�ve seen pictures of when you were younger�your face has never changed. Dead serious. I don�t think it ever will��
�Well Isaac,� she blushed lightly and looked back up at me, grabbing my hands with a gentle fervor, �I appreciate the kind words�but I don�t know you could forget my face�when you didn�t even know me.�
Damn�she got me again.
Sarah
Shifting my weight into my seat, I pointed out all the differences between us and the reasons we shouldn�t be together. Why? Who knows.
�Isaac�� they started to come out verbally, �Why do you like me again?�
�What do you mean?� he asked curiously, �Do you mean�what made me start liking you�or why do I still like you now?�
�Why do you still like me now�well�maybe a little of both,� I looked down at my hands, cursing myself. Not only was I a total nervous wreck, but I had dimples where knuckles should be. I am the epitome of imperfection.
�Sarah, I like you�I love you�I don�t know if I�m �in love� with you�but I love who you are,� he mumbled incoherently because he knew that wasn�t the answer to what I had asked before.
�That�s a good place to start,� I smiled gently, trying not to let things bother me, �But seriously�why?�
�I love that you�re so open and honest, no matter what. Even if it hurts. I love your eyes, and your round face�I love your hair. God I love your hair. I love that you�re passionately committed to things. I love that you are addicted to Family Guy and mocha Moolatte�s from DQ-�
Wow�he knows a lot more about me than I give him credit for.
�But why do you still like me now? Now�this is the lowest time of your life,� the tears were surfacing and I tried to blink them back.
�I�ve always heard you�re there for people�� he looked at me and took my wrists in his hands, holding them firmly but gently, �I�m going to ask you a favor.�
�Okay�� I looked at him. There were so many things that differed from us. So many things that do not make us right for each other. Yet I was still attracted to this wonderful man for some unknown reason�it was something than either of us could comprehend.
�I want you to be here for me now,� he made me look him in the eyes by gently placing a kiss on my cheek and I looked up at him, �No more ignoring it, no more avoiding it�no more�masochism,� I knew when he said that he meant it more for himself, �We�ll deal with things together, okay? We�ll be there for each other. We�ll start over, start fresh�clean slate. I need a chance to prove to you that I�m truly worth it�and you can prove to me you�re truly worth it.�
I didn�t say a word, even though I was thinking you�re already worth it� but I didn�t say anything.
�No matter how hard, no matter how painful�we�ll be there and force it out of each other,� he smiled at me gently, the first hopeful glimpse into his eyes I�ve seen in a couple months. Maybe this was our chance�maybe this was the chance we could really fall in love with each other�for real�
�Promise me, please,� his eyes were begging me now and I held his hands tightly and he winced. No matter how rough those hands were, his wrists were still fresh from the suicide cuts. I remembered the video (that I had strategically buried deep within old boxes) and him telling me that he had done that mid-March�and had been cutting since then, but had stopped since he came in rehab. I had never done anything quite like being a masochist�
Oh god, I could barely look at him now. I don�t care if I�m crying or not.
�Promise?� he pulled my chin back up. I felt my face turning beet red and I was sobbing out of care for him and pity for him and myself. Why did things have to mess up?
He could still be the one�
Isaac
Vivid red was the shade that her face was turning. It got all blotchy, as if she was running outside for a period of time and the tears were rushing down with gravity to the floor. I held her close to me, her face buried in my shirt and rubbed her back, �Honey�what�s wrong?�
Calling her honey a couple days after Paris leaves? Traitor. But I never loved Paris�
She muttered something into my shirt and I questioningly brought her face up to meet mine. Her hands frantically went to her face to wipe the wetness off and I gently wiped a strong thumb over one eye, helping her, as well as brushing away a couple eyelashes.
�What did you say?�
�I said �don�t call me honey�,� she giggled almost unreal-like, �I don�t think I can handle it.�
�Do you promise?� I coaxed her gently, putting my hand on her face and being shocked at the amount of heat that was being radiated from it, it was almost electrifying.
She nodded gently and I held her close in my arms and I felt her arms return the gesture. She had a tight hug�I forgot to tell her I liked that too. She let you know she liked you. She let you know she gave a damn. If she didn�t give a damn�she�d recede somewhere private and kill herself with tears that she didn�t.
�I�m glad Tay brought me,� she brought her head back up. Wondered why Taylor didn�t come in, but didn�t question it. At least he brought Sarah, �I wanted to see you before Friday.�
�How has school been?� I asked gently.
She immediately replied with rapid words, �Very stressful. I have to miss my first meeting for practicum because of my stupid surgery�and I have a ton of reading to do for Counseling�.�
I didn�t fight her; I just let her talk. Hearing her talk instead of myself in sessions was a clean relief. In a way, she was my dirty little secret. The press knew about her and what had happened�oh yes, they knew�vividly, I might add. Remember the Globe magazine? That�s something I�ll never live down, especially my mother�now that she knows about my active sexual life, I�ve never heard the end of it. I�m 24�you would think that my life would be my life by now. I love her to death, but honestly�
Hasn�t she ever heard of breathing when she speaks to me?
Back to the subject. She was basically mine for the keeping. She was unknown, still not pounced on too much from the media even now, and still willing, for some reason unknown to me, willing to work things out with me and not completely blow me off.
She would forever be tainted though�and I regret every second of that day.
I could never forget that day�and I knew my thoughts were clouding up my mind because the next thing I felt was Sarah�s lips on my cheek and then a strong clap that definitely broke me out of it, �I know you don�t want to listen to me, you could at least tell me.�
�No no, I do,� I smiled at her gently. Her face had calmed down greatly and her smile was returning to my face, �But I have a question��
�Okay, shoot it at me,� her smile was small, warm and genuine.
�Why do you want to waste your time trying to forgive me?�
�It�s going to be very hard for me to forgive you for what you�ve done�I haven�t even forgiven you yet�but you have time to prove to me that you�re sorry. Not now,� she noticed I leaned forward to fight her words, �Later�I can never forget what you did�and how much pain I had to go through�I don�t even know if this will work out in the end-�
�How can you say that?� I looked at her firmly, shocked and offended. Wasn�t she just saying that she wanted to work things out? Sounds hypocritical to me.
�Good god, Isaac, I�m just confused about this all. I�m still very hurt and I�m�I�m not a virgin,� her tears were returning to her face, �I��
�What?� I gently touched her and she winced away, almost like she was reliving a horrible experience. Oh god, please no�not her too�I need her more than anything. I truly do�
�I don�t want you to turn into my dad,� she said quickly yet still comprehendible, �My dad stayed at this place�and I was never allowed up here because he came in when I still lived with him, when I was 10�I�m looking down these hallways, wondering if one of these rooms is where my dad stayed in,� her tears raced down her cheek quickly.
�I�m trying my hardest to get better,� I tried not to make any guarantees but I wanted her to know that I was still there for her. I was still the same Isaac I was back then�even though we both knew I wasn�t. I didn�t even know who I was now. I could have never predicted this filth would wash over me when I was her age. Even though I was experimenting with drinks, which I�ve heard she does too, �I�m trying.�
�Which makes you different from my dad,� she smiled a hopeful little smile and that lit me up inside, �I have hope for you�I just know this is going to be a struggle for us�but I�m hoping we overcome it.�
�Would it be okay if I kissed you?� I put my hand on her face again, trying to keep that picture of her innocent face, her hair falling into her eyes, her tongue nervously running over her lips at the last minute, in my mind so that through these tough sessions, I would know what I would get out to.
�You�re asking me?� she asked shyly. Yes, it was a shock to her that I was asking. She kissed me first. She also asked me out�or so she claimed. Well, she actually did. In the gazebo in Ligonier, I technically consider that asking me out. She didn�t have much practice as a kisser�but she was pretty good. Yeah I�m sure you all wanted to know that. I�m sure you all want to know how great a kisser I am.
Well, I�m not telling. NYAH.
�Yeah,� I leaned in gently, rubbing my other hand with my thumb as I tilted her chin and she closed her eyes. I closed my eyes to follow and let my lips rest on hers, a reunion of sorts. A sentimental gift to let her know that I was hanging on, and when she responded, I knew she was hanging on too. It was going to be hard�but we were going to make it work. Our mouths opened a tiny bit, but only in the affectionate way, no tongue involved. She knew how to give passion without too much overemphasis�and actually, she taught me that. I tend to just shove my tongue down a girl�s throat and they usually like that.
When we separated, we held each other in our arms and the silence did all the talking.
Sarah
There is nothing like kissing Isaac.
It�s like listening to music that you truly enjoy�you don�t want to stop. The kiss was fulfilling, gentle, passionate�just enough. I looked into his eyes and mentally wished that I could live with him in there in that small white room�with black curtains.
Damn me and Cream. Gotta love the music.
I kissed him frantically on the cheek afterwards, and quickly said, �Thank you�you don�t know how bad I wanted to do that.�
�Me too�I�m glad you�re still in my life.�
Wow�that�s a first, �I�m glad you�re there too...and I�ll always be here for you,� I lifted up my small glass of water off the table that Isaac had poured for me and raised it up, �To overcoming unspeakable obstacles�to perseverance, and to music!�
I giggled at the last one. Figured I had to throw it in. Even though I�ve been crying, I�ve never felt more happy.
�To overcoming obstacles,� he said simply and we clinked plastic cups and took a hearty drink of the water. Smiling gently, he knew I had to go and was willing to let me walk away. I held his hand until it was too far away to reach and walked through that door, hoping after he was in here, I would never have to return here.
Oh, to have him again�in due time, dreamer. In due time.