I cannot guess what we'll discover
Between the dirt with our palms cut like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another�s
And not one speck will remain � Death Cab for Cutie �Soul Meets Body�
Sarah
Reading blows. Whatever you want it to blow is up to you.
Not reading that you just do for fun, like The Color of Water�that�s good reading. That kind of reading that looms on the shelf, blowing air up your butt, beckoning to you, going �You must read me�you have to read me.�
The beautiful purple book that is Learning The Art of Helping.
3 chapters for tomorrow. I growled to myself. At least I had it done. I just sucked it up and got it over with, unlike tomorrow will be. I dreamt of not getting up at 7:30 in the morning, showering, eating dry cereal and yogurt for breakfast, then going down to Human Bio and Medicine acting like I�m completely awake. But that�s what I had to do. The reading wasn�t even for Bio (which miraculously doesn�t even have a book!), it was for Intro to Counseling, which was directly after Bio. What did I have to do for Bio? Why, the most interesting first topic ever.
Let�s call it�the wonders of colon hydrotherapy, the cleansing of the sphincter, the flushing out of the ass�yeah, very appetizing huh?
Trying to get my mind off that subject, all I wanted to do was sing out the lyrics to the Sum 41 song now on my mix CD. It would be easy. I could belt out, �I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it, I don�t believe it makes me real�� Looking at the clocked seconded my hesitation�seeing it�s 1:33 AM and what am I doing? Searching around LiveJournal, trying to figure out what to do.
Why don�t you try SLEEP, Sarah?
Zac was desperate to get me back in the House of Colors�he said he missed me so much. I didn�t let him know that I now hold the knowledge of him kissing me that night we were at J�s house. I guess he still thinks I�m a drunken bimbo. Besides, I�m not even interested in him like that. He and I are friends. I�ve never had a friend like him though�one that I can be so open and laughing with, and it feels too good to give up.
Taylor told me. I guess he didn�t realize I never remembered what happened that night, just like another night previously experienced�
He also explained that I had cussed him out and once I heard that, I went to pleading. Apologizing like mad, that�s what I was doing to the man that I used to adore on posters and kiss good night, an adolescent fantasy to me when I was in my na�ve years of 12 and 13. Staring into the gorgeous blue eyes that set him apart. That face that just oozed ego and grace�even for a man, he had a metro-sexual flare that he chose to ignore. It was true�I did like him first. Now�as a father, he tried even more to deny the rumors that he was gay�and now when I saw him�
Facial hair?
I looked at him from the side when he was wearing his brown hat with his hair tucked underneath and could swear that he was Chad Michael Murray. He looked very distinguished�loveable, cuddly, and ever-so-fatherly. I think he looked really good. Personally. I�m harboring no sexual tension with Taylor though, I�m happy for him and Nat.
Even though she looks like his personal porcelain doll.
So tiny and delicate in his arms she seemed, like she fit into the family so well, with Diana and Walker and the rest of the kids�Zac told me once that he thought I fit into the family as well and I firmly denied it.
I was too foreign of a concept. A Pennsylvania girl fitting in with Midwestern boys? You�ve gotta be fucking around with me.
I�m currently addicted to �Catapult� by Ella�oh yes, I�ve found it, and love it�and love it to death I do. Taylor caught glances�and hasn�t been able to put it down. He doesn�t care that Nat�s not in it�he just loves writing, which is what I find fascinating. Zac didn�t care for it, I don�t know if Isaac knows�it is a Taylor story anyway.
I�m the polar opposite of Alley pretty much. Look at me, comparing myself to a fictional character�
She was thin as a rail; I was chunky like chocolate chip cookies. She was pale and burned easy�okay, one thing in common. She was fair with blue eyes and blonde hair; I was deep with brown hair and brown eyes. She had no boobs; I had plenty to share. But the one thing she had that I wish I did�
Love. Love like I�ve dreamed of. Love that I knew I could never have with Isaac. Or perhaps it could. A love where soul met body. It would take a miracle. That was the last thought I had before I went to bed.
Isaac
He did the unthinkable�he bought me a new guitar. And I thought he hated me.
�Take it,� Taylor said bitterly, handing me the brand new Taylor 800 Series acoustic like it was infected. I couldn�t help but hold it and stare at it�I didn�t have one of these. I can�t say that very often, now can I?
�Why did you-�
�Zac told Sarah about the mishap with your old one, so we bought you one�I had forgotten it had happened.�
�What�s your deal lately?� I asked him and he still didn�t answer. After 30 seconds�there was silence. After 1 minute�I could hear a pin drop. After 2 minutes�I could hear pages in a book being turned at the end of the hallway, �Fine, if you�re not going to speak me, at least tell Zac what�s up your ass.�
Taylor snuffed out of the room and Zac sat down on the bed next to me, �I don�t know either�he�s been really quiet lately, and I don�t know why. I think it�s something with Nat. He said something about being depressed all the time after having Penny.�
Predicting Penny definitely threw me off a tad, even though I�m pretty sure it was an unconscious prediction. She is like the song�we even gave her lemonade through a bottle this summer, but Nat is insistent that we not spoil her. She�s been introducing water into her diet, which I�ve seen in use. Sarah told me her cousin did that with her own son�and now he wants water more than sugar drinks. Impressive.
�Oh�� I replied quietly as my guitar was still making permanent indentations into my brain�it was actually real. They had actually bought me a 900-dollar guitar�we weren�t the richest guys to begin with, everybody thinks we have a lot of money�yeah, right, �How is Penny?�
I hate missing out on being an uncle.
�Penny is good�� he smiled at me, knowing I would be secretly jealous, �Zoe still doesn�t get that she�s an aunt. She thinks she�s too young.�
I laughed softly and slowly ran my fingers down the neck of the guitar, imagining it was Sarah. Oh how I miss her�I never had anything like this. Vivid visions were returning to me, randomly, after my therapy sessions with Jeneca of her stumbling into the bathroom, laughing and so happy drunk. She wasn�t the stereotypical drinker�the only reason she was on the table was because she was pulled up by one of Natalie�s friends. She was actually protesting to it. She went in to throw up, knowing she wasn�t feeling too good�but she just kept laughing and laughing about the Halloween party the month prior. Laughing about how she got a huge splinter in her foot through her stockings and had to dig it out with a pair of tweezers, smiling about the cheese and pepperoni plate she had purchased along with the chicken ball, recalling how she was scared shitless when she saw the new version of �The Texas Chainsaw Massacre��
Then she just passed out. And that�s when I fucked up.
�Ike�Ike,� he waved his hand in front of my face. I must have zoned out again, I�ve been doing that a lot lately, �You alright, man?�
�Yeah�just thinking, therapy makes you do that,� I tried to laugh but Zac was dead serious when the topic of therapy came up. I think he still felt like it should have been him and not me. Well get over it�I�m the one with a real problem. You�re supposed to be there for me�not feeling bad for me.
Trapt�s �Headstrong� was in my head and I was actually dying to cover it, but I knew Tay would never approve�I don�t think he was into it that much. We weren�t hard�or even close. Besides, he�s the beautiful one. Zac is the cute one. And I�m the one who�s assumed to have all the soul. Journalists don�t know anything sometimes. Look at Zac and Tay�they have soul too. I would be nothing without them�and yes I am ashamed to admit that.
�How�s Ez?� I asked absentmindedly, knowing my mind was on composing�and the beautiful chord that was B diminished minor.
�Very good�he misses you a lot,� Zac smiled, �They�re living up at the house now.�
�Ah is he? Which room is he in?�
�The newly painted �Starry Night� room.�
�And where is that exactly?�
�In your room,� he looked at me. I didn�t really care that they fixed my room�I preferred the black, to be honest, but I really didn�t care to have my whole room black. I was just pissed that day, �We made it a little grayer and added stars everywhere�it�s like �the Fortress of the Fairies�, except deeper.�
�Does he like it?�
�Yes, Mac loves it too,� his smile was beaming but quickly changed to one more somber, �I�m surprised you haven�t asked about Sarah.�
Oh don�t you worry Zac�there�ll be plenty to say with my new guitar�who I�m calling�let me think for a second�Annette. Good analogy. Cruel Intentions, Annette and Sebastian�love scorned, love lost. Just like Sarah and I. How ironic, huh?
Sarah
Sleep is most definitely NOT overrated.
Waking up from the nifty nap I laid in, it was great to look at the clock after class/before choir and actually feel rested. I had a sleep mark on my hand for some strange reason and probably a couple more on my face. Clint was going to fantasy football tonight and where was Taylor going?
Why�out with me of course!
�Let�s get some pizza,� I whined to him over the phone, �My treat. I owe you from cussing you out.�
�You don�t have any money,� Taylor laughed into the phone. At least his carefree attitude was back and he was being nice to me again, that�s all I had to say, �I�m willing to go out�and pay for you.�
�Have I ever told you I love you? Maybe we could get wings too�then all we�d need is the beer and the football,� I smiled playfully into the phone. Whoa, wait a second here. I was staring at the page curiously�wait a second� �Hey, do you guys have a MySpace?�
�Uh�� he answered slowly, �We maintain it, we never get to go on it, why?�
�Cause now I�m your friend!� I laughed softly as I cursed my computer for the sound not working. I am a Hanson fan�but I�m not a fanatic. I haven�t listened to everything they�ve ever written, I haven�t read every transcript or interview they�ve participated in�damn, I�ve never even heard �Rock �N� Roll Razorblade.� Damn me!
He laughed softly, �Okay�I�ll get our assistant to add you to our �friends� list.�
�What?� I acted shocked in the phone and I heard him chuckling into the other end, �You mean�you guys don�t add them yourselves? How dare you!�
�I�m kidding�I�ll add you next time I�m on, don�t have a cow, Sarah.�
�That�s princess to you, metro sexual,� I laughed into the phone tossing my hair over my shoulder. I had a loud laugh�I didn�t have one of those snickers or tiny girly giggles, not when I really laughed. I would laugh�and people would hear me.
Later I was looking into that conversation that I had with Tay as I was talking to Zac later. We haven�t spoken in a while because I really haven�t forgiven him from what I�ve heard. I thought the conversation when I was sobering up�I remembered it, but obviously, he was too hung over to remember it himself.
�You still mad at me?� he asked sheepish.
�Well�after I found out that you kissed me�I�m wondering if it was the booze talking for your inner feelings,� I answered.
The line was silent for a short amount of time. Not really, actually, I�m trying to sugarcoat it. It was actually silent for a little while until I silently whispered, �Zac�was it?�
�Can we just forget about it?� he said softly and I could just picture it now. He was breaking, he was breaking in two�and it killed me because he was like my best friend.
�No�we can�t, tell me, I�m here for you,� I gently coaxed through the phone and he lost it.
�I don�t want to fucking talk about it, Sarah�just forget it,� his tone was lifted from a somber to an angry tone and I immediately shut up and hung up on him. Looking at the lone piece of pepperoni pizza that laid on the desk that I was eating beforehand�I didn�t have much of an appetite anymore.
Dialing again, the ringing being the longest noise in the world, Tay finally picked up, �Hey you.�
�Hey you indeed. Is Zac pissed at me?�
�I think he�s more pissed at himself than anything else�just let him calm down for a week or two, I�m sure he�ll be fine.�
�Tay�I have an idea of what we could really do together.�
�You do, eh? What is it?�
And I started to explain�that maybe my dream could come true.
Isaac
My mind was scattered today�without Paris around, things seemed empty. I found myself surrounded by the guitar. Literally surrounded. I would just lay with it on my lap at night, trying to think of things. I was empty once again�and I hate that feeling. I would do anything just to hear Zac play with them damn fiber-optic drum sticks or hear Taylor tinkering around on the keyboards late at night�anything is better than the silence.
Mind you, it�s the middle of the day�
I thought I saw something strange outside of my room in the hallway�I couldn�t tell what it was. It was a person, I know that�but people always walk past my room, not even stopping in. Even the nurses. Since I�ve had such a vast improvement, they don�t worry about me as much as other patients in here�I really hope I am improving and they�re not lying, you know. Then I must have to bust a cap in their ass.
Then, the person comes back down the hallway, a thin mop of brown hair laying on their shoulders followed by a blonde�wait a second�I sat up to see it fully and the door started to slowly open�
My soul mate just walked through the door.