And he's there inside the door
So my exits is riding my pulse
Burst of black, breath of smoke
I disappear, I lost control � The Faint �I Disappear�
Isaac
Yeah I know what everybody�s thinking, �Where did this come from? Oh my god, what are you thinking? Are you retarded, Isaac? Sarah is clearly crazy over you.�
Get this into your heads�absence does NOT make the heart fonder. It makes the heart question.
Paris was there for me, her last name being Hilton or not, she was no Paris Hilton. Paris was there for me like Sarah had never been. Then again, on the other hand, I never gave Sarah the chance to be there for me. Sarah fought for me instead. I barely knew Sarah. I knew Paris like a book now. Then again, on the other hand, I never wanted to get to know Sarah when I was dating her and when I lost her�she closed herself up. Paris was willing to cling all over me when she needed someone to cry on. Sarah never did that. Then again, on the other hand, there are 2 reasons why she never did that. For one, she told me she�s not usually like that�or has never done it before. Second, I never gave her that chance.
Damn�maybe I�m not falling out of love. I just miss her with all my heart.
�Paris�� I looked at Paris with a quivering eye, filling with tears I barely had anymore. I had turned cold�the moment I lost Sarah, my heart melted like a burning candle�I never realized how much I cared about her until she wasn�t there anymore. When I saw her for the first time in the winter, you could have never guessed what was going on with my heart. It completely stopped. It warmed. It was alive again. I was trying to get the inspiration I needed, and there it was in front of me. Needless to say, she ran away before I even had the chance to speak�but it seemed like everything was healing okay before I had to leave.
Then again, on the other hand�I never chose to acknowledge that something was really wrong. I just wanted everything to be back to how it was. Which was nothing.
�Don�t talk about it with me anymore,� she put her hand up and her head down, her hair flying up slightly to hit my face. I knew her tears were already flowing�she had been crying a lot lately. She didn�t bother to tell me why either; I was just left in limbo, �I really don�t want to hear about Sarah today.�
I stared at her quietly, knowing it had to be something big if she were crying like this. She would have never refused to hear about Sarah either if it weren�t something big. She was cracking at the seams in her frayed, faded jeans and old black Led Zeppelin t-shirt that was graying. I held her in my arms and I could swear she was fading too.
Little did I know how right I was.
�Ick,� she looked up at me while I was holding her and gave me a light kiss on the lips, �I�m dying.�
�I know that already,� I looked at her, taking a deep, hard breath, �You�ve already told me.�
�No I mean�I�m really dying,� she looked down, afraid to look at my face, �The doctors came today�and told me I�m allowed to go home and be with my family.�
My eyes widened lightly as I really did start to feel her fading in my arms. She was very light to begin with and now I just felt her get paler and paler, white. Reminded me of Sarah of all people, who can�t get tan to save her life.
I mean�Sarah isn�t the prettiest girl I�ve ever met. She even admitted when she first met me, she did have butterflies, but when she talked to me, she never did. She oozed this air of confidence around her. She said that�s how it�s worked when she dated guys. Her first ex, Drew�they were friends first for about 5 months, and then one day it just felt�different. Same with her other ex, Clint, so she�s told me. One day they decided to meet, since they met on the Internet, and it felt�different. She never gave us the chance to feel different.
She actually acted on the crush.
�Isaac�are you listening?� Paris looked at me wide-eyed, even the glow in her eyes fading, �I�m leaving tomorrow�will you send me off right.�
Thinking of Sarah, I looked at Paris and smiled, �Anything for you.�
Was that for Sarah�or Paris? Duh.
Sarah
Littered in the scent of fresh flour, a sweaty brow and tied back hair which I actually loved today, I laughed at my Mom at how I smelled.
See, this is why I love living with just her and not Grama. Yay for Grama being on vacation.
Earlier today, I had gotten up early for the first time in a long time, feeling tired, but yet refreshed at the same time. After shopping with Mom and Marie (my mother's helper since she got sick) at Wal-Mart for spiffy ramen and other daily supplies, I came back home, chilled out, washed my hair so it smelled like citrus and reeked of soft conditioner, and napped for 2 hours.
This is when I really love my hair.
I pulled it out of its bun and looked at it. It was still slipping through my fingers like butter, which I loved, and the curls were now softened, releasing a slight kinky sense to them. Tucking strands behind my ears, they barely stayed there. I loved how it was before too...after letting it dry during my sleep, it had a slightly spiral curl effect.
Isaac would love it.
I smiled lightly at the prospect of my baking. Taylor had come over to help me a little bit, even though I didn't need much help. Mom loved Taylor...she described his looks as something like a Greek god, slightly bronze from the summer and his blonde golden from the sun.
If only she knew.
We still weren't speaking...but I didn't bother asking why. He'd been in a really quiet mood lately. We were baking classic apple pie today, one for my family, one for Diana and Walker. I put a big 'H' in the middle of it and admired my fine pastry work after I was done with making a flower on the left side.
Needless to say...the other flowers were crap, but it was fun anyways.
I smiled at the finished product, slightly oozing with apple goo and everything lightly browned, regardless�it was my accomplishment. Laughing at myself, I looked down at my hands, which were covered with heavy duty oven mitts and turned to Taylor, making my hands act like puppet, "Puppet hands," I laughed to myself.
Mom laughed...Taylor chuckled. He couldn't stand to be mad at me long. And who knows why really.
Looking down at the pants I was wearing. I laughed as well. When I was getting out the mini rolling pin we had, I accidentally put my flour-covered hand on my nylon black pants...and when I turned around, thick white handprint. That made me laugh in itself.
Silly girl. Silly, silly girl.
For once, I was feeling truly accomplished. For once, I was feeling proud of myself and not caring about what I looked like. Even though now I pull my shirt up and look at my tummy�it looks thinner to me, but I�m trying the best to just be positive about it.
When I get back in school�it�s diet time. Sounds like a TV show.
�Taylor,� I looked over at him while I was in my PJ�s, admiring his beauty�no wonder I liked him first. He�s freaking gorgeous in real life�he truly is nothing like the photos I�ve seen. Plus he�s a giant�not as tall as Clint, but Taylor was lanky when Clint had a belly on him, and lanky is sexy, �we need to take a road trip.�
�We need to have a talk first,� he looked at me sternly. I know standing there in front of him in my PJ�s is something I�d never imagined before today happening, but oh well, fate is what it is, �About the night you got drunk.�
�O�kay�� I was prepared for a thrashing�but not what I got.
Isaac
I didn�t know what to say after I heard that really�I was kind of numb. Now I was in my room by myself�I had gotten the messages on my phone finally, a couple days later.
Sarah was getting surgery�wow�
Hope it�s nothing major with her leg, but now I�m constantly on alert. I�m wondering if she�ll be alright. Damn�now I just wish I had a guitar or something. I had been writing like mad again, just lyrics strewn around the room about how I felt, either about how much I missed having Sarah around, mostly in the non-romantic sense, or how much I would miss Paris once she was gone.
She was leaving today. She left a couple days later than expected. Mostly because she lives so out of state�but she wanted to go back to where she was born to die.
I ran my hand over her face and looked into her eyes, the eyes that were turning placid quickly, placing a quick kiss on the mouth. I had already met her parents�and they were so thankful for a young man like me. They were thankful that someone had been there for her during her�blue period. Needless to say, once I heard it from her parents, her blue period had been for a long time.
She is bi-polar after all.
After I thought about it, it made perfect sense. I mean, she�s never told me about it�she would go into these euphoric highs, and then a couple days later�it�s like she�s never been happy in her entire life. She was on Neurontin for a while, but they had her off of it because they were afraid it might interact with her chemotherapy.
Which she just started getting treatments of at the last minute, beyond my belief. Why would they wait so late to administer it? It�s just going to make her sicker�
Shaking my head, I held her in my arms tightly, not wanting to let her go, but she knew she had to go. Damn when you have to learn things beforehand. She�s the only one I can trust here�
�I promise I will come and see you.�
�You know that�s not guaranteed,� she looked at me with a heavy heart and a dainty pale hand, �It�s okay if you don�t.�
�I want to�I�m sure they can let me out to see you,� I assured her, looking down at my feet. I know I didn�t want her to go, but damn, why was I acting so emotional about her leaving?
Maybe, just maybe (it is a crazy thought) that I was starting to like her more than just a friend�
�That would be nice,� she smiled shyly as she shut the door in the car, sticking her palm up against the window pane, leaving a steamy handprint when she moved it. The rain was hitting my skin as I watched her pull out of the parking lot. We never believed in saying goodbye�because we were sure we would see each other again, no matter what happens.
I feel like I haven�t met the outside world for decades.
The earth was saturated with the rain, and with Hurricane Katrina coming soon, I�m sure it would be more. 1 � more months in this place and I�m out for good. I actually feel a change brewing within me like a storm. I want to change. I want to be better. I want to be able to start over with Sarah.
Uh oh�walk time.
The things with the walks�we were allowed to walk around the hospital and into this little walking trail near the hospital�there was one guest allowed to be with us and we had to be escorted by one of the full-time volunteers. (And when I say full-time, they get paid for it too�isn�t that an oxymoron?) And I am joined today by �
�Hello, nymphomaniac.�
�Hello, Sexily,� I laughed as I looked at her. We still secretly were really mad at each other still from just about everything. The volunteer, Pat, by the time we got down to the walking trail, was standing to the side smoking a cigarette and let us walk. It was an indoor walking trail, so we couldn�t escape or anything, but what was nice was that he couldn�t hear everything Cecily and I were talking about.
�Fucker,� she mumbled as soon as we were out of Pat�s range of hearing.
�Slut,� I replied back to her and she smiled at me playfully, then quickly wiped that smile off her face. She just admitted everything I had just said�too easy.
�So�said goodbye to Paris today?� she looked at me as we strode into a brisk stride across the path from Pat, �She�s the slut, Isaac.�
�No she�s not�� I denied, knowing Paris had slept with multiple men. God, why am I always drawn to those ones? I�m surprised I�m not humping Cecily yet.
I tend to hump bitches. Or at least the old me did.
�Sure she isn�t�� her pointy nose snorted up towards the ceiling and I could swear I saw her so-called blue blood flowing through her veins straight up to her over-inflated head. Normally, I would see that and wouldn�t give a shit.
Damn Sarah�you ruined me.
�Whatever,� I sighed silently as we continued to walk around. I know she�s trying to deny everything and act like the perfect little princess she believes she is. I won�t put up with it. I started to walk ahead of her just to see how she liked it.
Yeah, look who�s following me now�
�Isaac, wait,� she ran up, almost passing me, and grabbed onto my arm, almost like she was desperate, �Look�we need to talk.�
�About what? How beautiful you are, or how bad I should feel because Zac dumped you?�
�I�ve been trying to change,� she looked at me sincerely as we slowed down our walking pace to talk. Maybe she was right�maybe she had changed. I blew off this whole discussion though cause she was probably on pain killers to forget she was addicted.
I would never know.
�How is that?� I raised an eyebrow, pretending like I cared. After her calling Paris a slut and me a �fucker�, why should I listen to her?
�Well�I was trying to get clean. I had stopped talking to all my old friends since I started dating Zac at first�then they caught up with me. You know�� her voice cut off cause she was straining for some story to tell me. Fucking compulsive liar, �I did want to get clean. But then my friend caught up with me and just ended up leaving these piles on my doorstep. I ended up throwing them out in the trash�but the last one, I carried in my pocket to give back to her, but these guys caught me.�
�Ah, so that�s why you�re in here,� I came to the realization that she couldn�t have just gotten in by her anger by itself�in such quick notice that is. She wasn�t really psycho�so why the hell was she here?
�I�m only in here for 2 more weeks,� she looked at me confidently, �Then they�re sending me full-time to detox.�
�Detox�joy,� I mumbled to myself, �Do you go there now?�
�Yes�and I come here for counseling, as well as sleeping and eating,� her smug smile was like a warm cup of coffee. I was used to it and it was comforting that it would always be the same�
My mind was drifting into other areas, not usually my forte while I was here. Yes�I was changing. But I�ve read statistics that most alcoholics that went to detox, counseling, and even AA meetings, didn�t completely get clean.
Well damnit�I�ve never been a statistic before. I don�t want to be now.
Sarah
Excuse my French�but fucking gas prices suck.
Clint and I hung out today for the first day in a long time�actually, he helped me move in. He wanted to try to stay friends since I was his first girlfriend. He went to get gas before he came over at Sunoco and I gasped when I heard it was 2.79 a gallon.
Damn you Katrina.
Needless to say, I was on my own once again in the dormitory. Except this time�it was really alone. At first, while the boys were helping me move back up into my room, it felt extremely claustrophobic with all the stuff on the floor. I had such a horrible headache that I had to nap for a little while, which gave the boys time to get some dinner and gave me the rest of the time to unpack the way I wanted to.
My friends have said it�s a work of art.
My own space�mine�I love to say that. I can do whatever the hell I want. I can walk naked around the room, leave Styrofoam coffee mugs everywhere, leave the sink dirty, clean up as much as I want, have books strewn all over the bed, kiss boys on my purple bedspread�but I have to say, there was one thing that made the room completely mine.
No�it�s not the notebook of poetry I almost lost today. I found it�I thought it was that at first. Isaac�s headshot was the answer. Taylor had found a picture of him from April-ish that spoke words to me that I kept on my desk. It was made black and white and it was him in the Treasure Chest with a guitar in front of him, looking out the window with a firm face and a melted heart.
That�s what melted mine�all over again.