Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.
believe your dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try � Armor for Sleep �Car Underwater�

Sarah

I try not to think of my leg, even though it is in clear vision on my eyes. I try not to think of the tears I have shed in the past of things that I have done. �Feel Good Inc.� is on the radio�and is super ironic at the moment. I don�t feel good. Simple as that.

I just wish I had Isaac here.

�Sarah�� Zac looked at me gently, �What�s wrong?�

�You know what�s wrong,� I sighed gently as I sat down in the kitchen table, picking at my chicken ramen that I added mushrooms to for flavor. I didn�t really have any fervor anymore to do anything. I had written poetry, but it hadn�t really expressed the fear that was racing in my heart. It appeared from time to time and went away, but I was pretty much numb when I heard the news. This is royally going to suck.

I get to limp around campus after the surgery.

Zac remained quiet as I sat there, slurping my Ramen. He never knew what to say to comfort me. The phone suddenly rang; at least I knew that it wasn�t for me, �Hello?� I heard Zac answer the phone and it stayed quiet for a while when he was listening to it. Statue-esque Zac was scarier than lively Zac for positive measures.

Conversing is key, people. Conversing is key.

He hung up silently and remained silent until he sat at the table with me, �What happened?� I asked gently as his eyes were glazed over, like there was another person inside him at the moment.

�Cecily�s in the psych ward.�

�What?� I asked, totally confused. By the time we had gotten the call, I knew we hadn�t seen her for a few days�but I figured maybe we were just missing her. Or she was off sneaking around and such. But this was totally unexpected, �What was she admitted for?�

�She verbally attacked Ike,� Zac buried his head in his hands, his fingers running through his darker blonde hair, �Broke Clara.�

�Who�s Clara?�

�His acoustic guitar I brought him that he�s had for 2 years,� his eyes met mine and it reminded me of last week with him, �Smashed it into bits�she�s not just in there for that either.�

�Then what is she in there for?�

�Drug abuse,� Zac�s anger was growing, �She lied to me�she smoked weed, in my fucking bed of all places! In MY bed! Isaac was right�she is nothing but a liar and fooled me over.�

�Well then�get rid of her,� I looked at him firmly.

�I already did�she denied I did it too,� Zac looked at me hurt and I held him gently, the brunt of his weight going on my left shoulder and I actually felt tears soak into my bare shoulder, �I told her I was losing the feeling�and she didn�t take it so well�in fact, she ran off and pretended nothing happened.�

�Well�better off without her, then, I�m sure you�ll find someone else that makes you happy,� I looked at him, �Tell you what? I have a couple single friends up at school that would adore you.�

Never hearing him mutter, �The only one I want is you,� I got up and went off to think once more of what was going on. Would I tell Isaac?

Isaac

�I fucking hate you.�

�Good morning, Cecily,� my eye was fixed on her as she grabbed a banana from the table up front and sat 2 tables down from me. When she didn�t respond, I yelled it louder, �Good morning, Cecily!�

She still didn�t answer, but sent me a nasty sneer and sat down by herself, picking at the banana peel with her long fingernails. Paris came back with a tray of macerated peaches and apples smothered atop a large raisin-filled piece of French toast and a big glass of milk, �She bothering you?�

�She knows me, that�s all,� I growled gently as she sat down, �Zac�s ex-girlfriend from what he told me the other day. He broke up with her and she can�t take it�just like I predicted.�

�You predicted it?� Paris asked questioning.

�I never told her I predicted it�I never even knew if Zac would get the balls and break up with her. He stays with a girl until he�s sick of her, then just goes and gets another girl and doesn�t even bother telling the poor bitch.�

�I wouldn�t imagine any girl Zac liked being a bitch�but with Cecily, I would have to agree,� Paris looked over at her slightly and Cecily could have killed her with the look she was giving her.

This had been the first time I thought of Sarah in days�maybe I could live without her in my life. What am I kidding, I told myself. I know I love her with all my heart and I really want to see her. I want to know what�s she�s eating, what�s she�s thinking about when she�s by herself, what her family is like at holidays.

My thoughts are scrambled like the eggs on my plate.

I heard a glass break a couple of tables away and the volunteers quickly went to attend to the person that broke it before he picked up shards and started cutting. That really didn�t appeal to me anymore. I used to cut, which is a scary thought to me�except when I get near a razor. It�s the way to punish myself for the pain I have. I don�t need to have pain.

I have some beautiful sculptures on my wrists�as well as my stomach, my lower back, and my ankles.

�Paris�� I looked at her, �Why does God punish people with pain and suffering?�

She put a thoughtful look on her face; she secretly loved it when I asked her questions like this because it gave her a reason to push herself to answer�she told me it felt like it gave her a purpose to keep going, �He or she obviously wants us to learn what it is like to be human. We chose to be human because we wanted to truly feel the Earth way of life, and you cannot have life without pain and death. Adam and Eve wrecked Eden for us.�

�Why do you think that he gave humans power to feel pain?� I just loved to hear her speak. I wasn�t in love�I just loved to hear a wise person who learned so much in such little time.

�Isaac�� she looked at me firmly, �Most of the pain that is inflicted on humans is produced by themselves. God does not want us to be in pain, but since God gave us a free will, he is not responsible for what we do to our human bodies. It is the soul that is tormented, not the body. That�s what matters in the afterlife. The soul�s purity and loyalty to the heavens, not the Earthly possessions, like you were temporarily with that razor of yours. Which is beautiful, by the way.�

�Yes�on my skin it is,� I mumbled incoherently, knowing that it was pain to do it�and I knew I wasn�t going to do it again unless I was really depressed.

Paris sighed, not replying to my masochistic comment and picked at her peaches. I remained quiet for a while as I put some jelly on my French toast and munched it. I was thinking of Sarah more vividly than ever. Not as the woman that I couldn�t identify, the vision I had at the beginning of October, but as a living, breathing creature that I wished to hold in my arms and kiss on the face all over and taste her mouth forever. I wouldn�t mind forever. It would be an adventure.

�Paris?� I asked quietly, imagining her as Sarah sometimes because I wish Sarah and I would talk the way I speak to Sarah, �Are you scared of dying?�

She stared at me with those intent eyes, full of life, hanging on to something just to leave something behind for people to remember, �Ever day.�

Sarah

I was getting over it. I don�t know how, but I was getting over it.

Loving the fact that my grandmother was out of the house for a week (I love her, don�t get me wrong) I decided to live it up for a while without the boys. For some reason, Taylor was infuriated with me and I didn�t know why, so Zac gave me a ride back to the house. With just Mom, we got along a lot better. I got to sleep downstairs in Grandma�s bed, we got to cook whatever we wanted (which today included pasta salad), and basically�we got along a lot better. Not to mention there�s no air conditioning upstairs and it is so much cooler downstairs.

Smile people, Sarah�s keeping cool.

Song is my soul. It�s time to get back in touch with me now. Especially since I�ve been keeping cool lately. It�s been so out of sorts since Isaac has left and school starts up in a week, so obviously he�s not allowed to be out to help me. Maybe I can see him before the surgery is performed and quite possibly, they knick a major artery near my leg and I die.

Stop talking like that�that won�t happen.

Circling in my head, I stared at the walls absentmindedly in my bedroom. I felt like I hadn�t been up here in a million years. Everything was still the same; the small pile of stuff that I was taking back to campus in a week, the black comforter with flowers on it laying on the floor abandoned, the dirty blue fan in the window. I looked at the clock. 4:28 AM. Wow�that�s late. I should be in bed.

But I couldn�t stop thinking.

Time stopped literally as I thought about what to tell Isaac. I won�t make anything fake, I thought to myself, I�m going to tell him the truth and nothing but it. I won�t lie about anything. The intensity in my bones was increasing as the cool air from the fan hit my skin, lightly raising the hairs and the goose bumps, increasing and creeping down my legs. My fingers felt heavy as I slowly dialed the numbers on the phone.

9�4�6�My breath was getting heavy and I looked back at the clock again. 3 minutes have passed already? I continued the dialing, 4�2�4�8�3�7�1�and as I remember the last four digits being my old house�s last four digits, before Mom and I moved out, the phone was ringing and quickly caught onto his voicemail.

�Hey, this is Isaac. Glad you could try to get a hold of me but I�m not around to get your call. Leave your name and number and I�ll hit you back�not literally, but I�ll call. Later!�

I breathed slowly as I blocked out the instructions and my computer was playing Straylight Run�s �Existentialism on a Prom Night�, probably one of the prettiest piano intros I have heard in a while and then spoke, �Ike�� my voice caught quickly.

Since when did I call him Ike?

�Isaac�� I quickly corrected myself�I felt like if I called Isaac by Ike it was too casual�and I didn�t mean anything. Even though I used to call J James all the time didn�t mean I felt any less of a friend, but now I�m rambling, �It�s Sarah. I�I wanted to see how you were doing.�

I felt the tears increasing in my eyes of the loneliness I was feeling that I would never actually express to anyone. I felt the glow of the light of the room in my skin, absorbing like a toxin. I felt the emotions rising like bile in the back of my throat, but they wouldn�t prevent me from speaking.

�I know it�s late,� I giggled to myself, knowing that I sounded like a total crazy person, �but I have problems sleeping when I don�t know what to do. I�ve been writing a lot lately�and I got some bad news. Nothing too major�but I figured I�d let you know that I might be seeing you soon.�

The infomercial on the TV screen blinded me as I had migrated into the living room, getting my mind off the stress. What is that? I don�t know what the crap that is, so I picked up the clicker and flicked through the channels, scrunching the thick carpet underneath my silver-painted toes, �I�m getting surgery. I told you about that lump on my leg,� the channel had hit �The Brak Show� and I decided to stop there, even though it was almost over. The carpet was soothing and from the other room, the glow seemed less poisonous. God I need to go to bed, �I got it checked out and they don�t know what it is,� and just to be funny, I grumbled, �Dumb bastards.�

I loved him so much it hurt to breathe sometimes�or maybe it was just infatuation. How did I know I really loved him? From those couple of dates we had? And how could I possibly have loved him after he raped me and then I had to�I�m not even going into that. I felt like I had no more morals left after doing that, �But I have an appointment on Thursday,� I stopped suddenly when I heard some sick noises pouring out of the television.

Space Ghost? Whoa.

�With my surgeon. He�s going to explain everything. I�m not sure if it�s pre-op or he�s just checking it out�but I have to get this surgery before school,� I sighed, �I just thought I�d let you know�I hope to see you soon��

The color from the light was swirling now. Damn I�m suddenly getting tired� �Maybe we can quit this hiatus�start over again, you know? Pick up where we left off�before your birthday, of course,� I smiled unconsciously to myself, �Like at Pepperwood Grille when we thought the beepers were vibrators? Wasn�t that funny?�

Giggling to myself now, I realized I had to wrap it up, �Okay, well�give me a call back when you get the chance. Talk to you later�� I hesitated and decided not to say I love you since I claimed to want to start again, �See you soon.�

Hanging up too quickly for my taste, I ran my tongue over my teeth and thought, �Damn�I need to brush my teeth,� as I rushed into the bathroom, forgetting the anguish I was putting myself in and went to clean my teeth.

Scrub, scrub. Cheers. Damn I need to clear my mind�

Isaac

Staring at the ceiling wasn�t a positive hobby to have, no matter how much the lights at night dance across the ceiling. I hadn�t turned on my cell phone all day and who knows who called. One, I guarantee, from Mom and without saying that I was a failure as well as her other boys were too asking how I was doing�I really hoped that she would come up and visit. I miss the family. I miss the opportunities I could be having with Jess and Avery.

Jess was going to be in her senior year of high school�she had decided for high school she was going to go public and see what the social life was like, and boy did she make friends quick. Ones that like her more for the Hanson fame too.

Avery, on the other hand, didn�t care for popularity. Entering her first year of high school as a freshman, she was definitely nervous, but very excited. I already knew she had taken up guitar with help of Dad and was going to put the boys to shame. She had spoken of putting a band together for a talent show last year, but it has formed up to more than that. She now hangs out with me all the time when she gets to see me, learning new chords and strums for her new electric that Taylor got her birthday in February. A talented little bugger, we got there. Kidding, love ya Avie. She is a bit hyper for her own good.

Mac, good old Mac. He�s going to be a chick magnet�actually, he already is. He�s a cute little 11-year old. He�s going to be home-schooled until he reaches high school age too, but currently he loves science, just like me. He�s got a hell of a wild streak, just like Zac, though. Zac and Mac�rhymes. I chuckled to myself.

And little Zoe�what an adorable child. I can�t believe she�s already seven, she�s growing up before my eyes and I feel like I don�t even know her. From what Mom tells me, Zoe is into sports. She loves softball and of all things, basketball. She�s a bit of a tomboy yet, but she�ll grow out of that.

Man�I miss them. And I have to be stuck here. Fuck me�and I�m starting to think I�m falling out of love with Sarah too.

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