We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel � Nickelback �Photograph�
Sarah
My job, after hearing the news, was to ignore it. Sunday I came back on campus, only to find tons of family there and not mine. It�s not that I didn�t want my family up here on Family Weekend, it�s just that Mom and Grama have a hard enough time walking as it is. I didn�t want to make it worse. I took Tay, Nat, little Ezra, Zac, and I knew Avery and Jessie were up here too. They took a break from high school for the weekend to come up and visit. How sweet.
I had a concert that day�sue me. I wanted them to see me sing. After I got all dolled up and sang, I booted the boys out of my room and changed into regular �play� clothes. I wanted to play. They set up a carnival on the lawn. October wouldn�t be warm for long and I wanted to live it up. There were bouncy things that I�ve always wanted to go on that I couldn�t and they were all game for us.
Jess and Taylor did the, what I call, �Rock �Em Sock �Em Robots for real� and tried to knock each other off the podium. Andrea and Denise caught up with me. I�ve been talking a lot with Denise and getting closer to her. It�s all good. Andrea and I did one round, and Clint decided he�d have some fun too and he came up. Almost made him feel bad he graduated and didn�t come here.
Clint and I�I don�t know. We�re friends, but we�re not. Oh well, I�m not dealing with anything. I�m having fun.
Then there was the big slide. Oh yes! The big slide. I must have went on it 4 times. I bounced all the way down that thing because it�s big, bouncy full of air, and the white ramp burns you. I staved my toe from bending it backwards, but it was fun. Zac went head first even though the operator told him not to. Avery and Jess went at the same time and had fun. Taylor didn�t go�oh well. Nat didn�t seem too keen with the carnival, but she was keeping an eye on Ezra and helped him up and slid gently with him, like the graceful person she is.
I envy her. Have I said that already?
Human bowling. God that was fun too. I wasn�t courageous to go on it first. 2 of Andrea�s friends went on first, then I went on, followed by Denise, one round by Andrea, Zac, and Avery. Avery seemed to like it the best and didn�t want to get out of the big metal ball.
Then there was Chaos�the huge bouncy maze. I actually raced Clint in that and nearly hyperventilated. My chest was heavy when he was clearly the winner and waiting for me at the bottom. I had to sit down for a good 20 minutes to regain my regular breathing. Jess sat with me and talked to me about what she was doing in high school and I smiled. She had joined cheerleading and volleyball, but was still a member of the choir, which Taylor threatened he would take away her first born if she didn�t. I laughed at that, coughing afterwards.
Zac, I know, had raced Clint after that, Clint, once again, being the victor. But after 10 minutes of talking to Jess, I noticed Zac hadn�t come back out. People were still going in and out of the maze and Zac still didn�t emerge.
�I�ll go check on him, okay?� I told Taylor and Nat and they nodded in approval as I went around the back, wondering if there was an open area to crawl in and find him. None. I would have to go through the front. I crawled up the tunnel, went up the small wall and fell into the crevice before the squeeze section. Shoving myself through the squeeze section, I followed the blue line over to the other side and the tunnel, knocking into a familiar body.
�OW!� Zac yelled, his face tear-stained and he looked at me, sitting Indian-style in the middle of the tunnel. His face was stained with tears and his clothes were all disheveled, almost like he was trampled all over. Sometimes I wonder why I didn�t choose him; Zac is more of my type after all.
�What�s the matter?� I looked at him gently, kneeling next to him on my knees, easily getting knocked off balance by the buoyancy of the air beneath me and he just clung onto me, letting himself cry. I knew why.
And I didn�t question.
Isaac
�Why are you asking me? I haven�t seen her in weeks,� I looked at the aids in an infuriated face. I loved how everybody thought that because I was admitted here that I was automatically a psycho killer, but never said anything. I supposedly had �rock star tendencies� and was so frustrated that they would accuse me of killing Cecily Brown.
Killing Cecily Brown�pght. I would never sink that low.
�You were close to her the whole time she was here, right?� Angela was looking at me with her hands planted firmly on her hips, �You�re the only one that could have done that.�
I couldn�t afford to have the patience that they expected of me here, especially if they were accusing me of murder, so I blew up, �Didn�t you guys see the fucking suicide note, okay? She had a problem. I knew that when my brother was dating her. She did drugs, she was unusually happy because she was on anti-depressant medication, she must have drank even more than me. You don�t see me dead, do you? Cecily had something wrong more than depression.
�You obviously haven�t seen her social life either. She was always with somebody. She was literally never alone. I have never seen her by herself this whole entire time. She would just pull on a random stranger and become their friend. I am not the only one that could have hurt her, I don�t even have probable cause.�
The aids shook their heads, �You�re still a creditable witness.�
�HOW?� I was starting to get really angry, �I was in therapy when this all happened. I was in therapy with Dr. Johnson, how could I be out here to murder her?�
The officer who had just zipped the body bag over her came out, �You�re not going to be put on the witness stand for anything, but can we use yours and your brother�s prior interaction with her in the autopsy?�
�Autopsy? Why would you need an autopsy when it�s suicide?� my head was starting to hurt form all this.
�Many suspicious murders have been taking place lately that have been disguised as suicides. We�ve been trying to find a suspect for all these, but this one is very elusive. All the other autopsies have revealed poison in their stomachs that had been ingested before the self-inflicted wound. And the weapons have been left at the scene, which I found odd,� the officer looked through his clipboard, his very thick clipboard, regarding these cases, �But all the fingerprints found on the weapons are of the victims. This one is very elusive indeed.�
�This is all happening very quickly for me,� I said absentmindedly, sitting down in the nearest chair I could find. I can�t believe I would let Sarah hang like that, but something in me knew that Cecily was murdered, not commit suicide. I knew she was suspicious, but there was something more.
�I understand, Mr. Hanson. I would like to speak to your brother, Zachary, within the next few days so I can get some eye witness account from him on Cecily�s behavior when they were dating,� the officer tipped his hat, �I will be in contact with the staff here shortly.�
A crowd had gathered around Cecily�s room and her roommate, Sandy, was trying to ignore the whole issue and encouraging people to go down and see the music therapist.
Music therapist�Sarah�I miss her.
Everything was coming to a round. I felt like I would find out who it was behind all these mysterious murders soon enough. The officer would tell me. Amber would find out who Andrea Parks was and if she was really dead or not. Sarah would be there for me right before the scariest time of the year, and this time, I would not hit her because I could not deal with Kerri. Taylor would start speaking to me again and I would get to see the kids. Everything was too straight-edged, but that was going to change.
�Isaac?� I was talking to Zac later when Sarah had taken him up to her room to talk to me. He sounded distraught and like he was crying before. Sarah had told me they went on all the inflatable attractions in the little carnival but Zac was getting hysterical and it took her 20 minutes to get him out of there.
�Yeah?�
�I never thought I would actually miss Cecily,� Zac said. I knew Sarah had left the room, or she was completely silent. Either way, it was deafly quiet in the room, �I know she used to do weed when I left the room after we had sex�but I never thought it was a problem. I knew we would get drunk and screw like rabbits, but only because she wanted to. I didn�t know it was a problem. I knew she was on anti-depressants and she cut herself. I just never thought it was a problem. I was just so happy to have a girlfriend again.�
�Why didn�t you tell anybody, Zac?� I said into the phone. ,p>Instead of answering my question, he just moved on talking, and at that moment I knew for sure Sarah wasn�t in the room, �I�m sorry Ike. I�m jealous. I was just so glad to get Cecily in my life. I thought she could help me through what I was feeling for Sarah. I was willing to accept anything to keep somebody close in my life. I wanted Sarah to be that person. I�m jealous that you have her heart�and I don�t.�
�I know that,� I sighed gently. I knew this all along, but hearing it from him is a completely different ballgame, �You and Sarah are wonderful friends though.�
�Why do I feel like that isn�t enough?� he sighed, �She held me when I cried Ike�she held me. She was there. No one has truly been there for me like that, non-judgmental and just�she was just there.�
That was the moment I knew�I would have to fight for her. Zac would fight for her. And right now�I didn�t have the strength to fight for her too.
Sarah
The room was saturated with the sounds of happy families, and it was great to see everyone. Taylor, Natalie, Ezra, Avery, and Jess were all sitting at the table. I had asked Zac to catch up with us later because he was dealing with Cecily�s death. This was my way of dealing, like I had stated before, and I wasn�t going to ruin one of the few genuinely joyful days I�ve had by worrying about Cecily.
I gave them a small tour of the school. Natalie was complaining about her feet hurting, so I offered her a seat up in 5th admin where the comfortable deep black butterfly chairs were and she didn�t want to get up. I laughed. By the time we were on 2nd Maura, Zac was sitting at the picnic table in the solarium and I called over to him. He gave me a shy little smile and came over, holding my hand. I held it in a friendly manner and smiled to him as well, kissing his cheek, wondering if he was still mad at me. He just took me in his embrace and held me.
�Zac�� I looked at him, pulling him aside gently, �Are you okay? Did you talk things over with Isaac?�
�Yeah,� he smiled, much more confident than the fragile Zac I had seen in the Chaos maze, �He wants me to take care of you.�
�What do you mean?� that was a throw-off. I had a feeling the necklace didn�t mean nearly as much as it would if he were here, and I was scared to hear it.
�He feels bad he can�t be here for you. He wants to mean more to you than just a necklace and a bad memory,� I winced at that comment, �He truly wants things to heal, and I know you agree that time apart is working, but trying to act like boyfriend and girlfriend really isn�t.�
�How do you know that?� my hostility was evident. How dare Zac assume things about me! I love Isaac�but the feeling of Zac is so comforting right about now. He reminded me so of Isaac, but so much not of him at the same time. Zac was tender and cuddly. Isaac had his moments�but it was like cracking through a nutshell. Maybe I hadn�t given Isaac the chance to be open. We only dated for a few short weeks, �I know he feels bad, but if he wants to make a commitment, I can make it work.�
�He�s not sure if he can, he still needs to heal, Sarah,� Zac looked at me tenderly, his eyes mirroring Isaac�s. God I could stare into them for hours, �You understand that, right? He knows we�re close�and he wants me to be there for you when he can�t be there himself.�
�Okay, that�s understandable,� I said gently. I was still questioning Zac�s intentions, but he did have a point. Isaac really did need to heal�
�Why don�t we catch a movie sometime?� he winked lightly at me, �Don�t worry�I�m going to try friends. I do still like you, I just want to make sure where your heart is.�
�My heart is with Isaac�you really do remind me of Isaac, you know,� we were all sitting down at the dining hall at this point and getting our food, smiling, giggling, and creating a wonderful memory, �My heart can�t be with you when it�s with somebody else.�
�Well, yeah, I am his brother, you know,� he poked me and I giggled as we walked past this massive pastry table and Zac eyed it hungrily, licking his lips.
�Nooo!� I laughed and tried to drag him away and he grabbed onto the tablecloth, trying to hang onto the table, �That is the table of sin! Stay away from the table of sin!�
�But I like sin,� he laughed as we toppled over and my head ended up on his stomach and we were laughing, �It takes like sugar. It tastes like�� he licked my face, �You!�
�Eww!� I laughed, getting up, knowing people were staring at us and I tried to ignore all the gasps of familiarity I had been getting all day about having the Hanson family around. I didn�t care, it was like they were my family. I was about to get off my probation for lighting that magazine on fire, too, so go me! I was happy at the moment and I didn�t want anything to change it. As a matter of fact, I was very happy.
Enough to just kiss Zac on the lips, �Hey, don�t take that the wrong way. I figured you just like sin so much�you could get one last taste of it.�
�What do you mean?� he asked.
�I don�t need you to comfort me�� I looked him in the eyes, �I�ve got Isaac�you�re my friend, and that�s good enough for me. I�m serious here�I don�t care how much it hurts. I don�t like you like that.�
And that was it. He left me alone�for a while�
Isaac
Sighing, I laid my head back on the pillow resting beneath my head. Thoughts were rushing through my head like a white water rafting ride. A week has passed, Cecily�s funeral has occurred, and I am lost. Today was the first time I had been let out of the facility in a while. I chose not to interact with most of the other people in the psych unit, but I figured I had about 3 weeks left, I might as well interact. There are a couple groups of good students that go out and do activities, you know? So I went out to see a movie. Yes, it felt good.
I just don�t appreciate being stared at.
People, of course, recognized me. People confronted me. And the people that were too afraid of confronting me just stared at me because I was with the psycho group. Oh my god, we can�t talk to him, he�s psychotic. He might lash out and stab us in the eye. Stay away from him. Don�t talk to him. And on the flipside�oh he�s a good guy with a good heart that�s getting help. But I still love his music. Go Isaac!
Yeah, sounds like a cheer to me. One of them was in a cheerleader outfit too. Probably right after cheerleading practice. Where�s the football boyfriend, blondie?
I came back and now I was pondering the day. Gotta love matinee showings. I always envisioned 2 PM as the magic hour. They have a witching hour�this is the magic hour. It�s usually quiet and there aren�t any activities. People are keeping to themselves. The world is at a stand still.
�Isaac�you have a visitor,� the nurse escorted a young woman into the room. She was shy, she was blonde�and she looked familiar.
�Hi,� I smiled gently, knowing I knew her face and just her stance from somewhere before, �I can�t place the name��
�I forgive you. I look different in the daylight. It�s Holly.�