You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time � Disturbed �Stricken�
Isaac
�Holly!� I exclaimed, my obvious excitement abounding throughout my body and got up off the bed and hugged her tightly. I had really never hugged her before and I never realized how skinny she was. Her fading blonde hair was thin and her eyes were bright with something that I wanted to know desperately, �How have things been? How is Scarlett?�
�Oh,� she replied surprised, �Um�good. Scarlett�s been pretty busy lately.�
�Really?� I smiled warmly. It was good to see Holly, despite our rough start. I don�t think she meant to be so hard on me or Sarah, it�s just that I think she was secretly jealous, �Forgive me if I�m taken aback by your beauty.�
�Nah, I�m not that pretty,� she sat down on the bed and pulled out a cigarette.
�Could I bum one off you?� I asked curiously, wondering what she�d say.
�No,� she huffed, pushing her blonde hair behind her shoulder, revealing the bare glimpse of a black bra strap, �I�m kidding Ike. Lights or full blown?�
�What do you mean, full blown?� she pulled out a baggie, �Holly�get that shit out of here.�
�Come on, it�s just a little bit of weed. I�m sure you�ve done it before,� she smiled that warm familiar smile I felt while Scarlett was rubbing me up. She pushed the thought of November out of my head and pushed me back on the bed�and gave me the best head of my life.
�No, I�ve never done weed�� I replied as she rolled her weed out of the sight of the nurses. Wow�I knew this girl was gutsy, but this takes the fucking icing off the cake.
�It�s tasty,� she smiled, lighting up the uneven joint and puffed it slowly, �I�ll go stand by the window if it bothers you.�
�Please,� I replied as she sneered her cheerleader blonde�wait�cheerleader blonde�
�Didn�t I see you at the mall?� I turned around as she opened the window and flicked off a couple ashes into the light October wind.
�Yeah�that was me,� she smiled, �Actually�I fucking lied. That wasn�t me.�
�You confuse me,� I rolled my eyes, shook my head, and picked up the song I was currently working on.
�I�m in a good mood, don�t bust on it, okay?� Holly looked at me with a harsh eye and took another even deeper puff out of the joint, �Man�this tastes as good as when I started.�
�How long you been a junkie?� I looked at her softly, very much attracted to her like I was then. Scarlett had been wonderful, but Holly always had this air of mystery that I found very seductive and sexy.
Isaac, what are you doing? You asked Sarah to be your girlfriend. Don�t blow it.
�Since I turned 18,� she smiled, �Hey�when are you getting out of this joint?�
�A couple weeks, why?�
�You allowed to go on trips?�
�Yeah, we have a couple hours free every day if we�re with the good crowd. Why?�
�Why don�t you and I get a little better acquainted?�
I felt that familiar tug in my pants and I cursed my damn brain�yes, sometimes my brain is in my pants. Fuck Sarah. Yes, I know I did that already, but fuck her now. She isn�t in my life.
�I can�t. I have a girlfriend.�
�Since when?� she sneered, sticking her nose up, �She can�t mean jack to you�wait�is it Sarah?�
�Yeah.�
�Well�� she looked down at me, raising her eyebrows and putting a sweet smile on her face, leaning over me, surrounding me. She held the scent of the pot she just smoked and the smell of sex, �You better break up with her if that down there is not for her.�
And I knew what I had to do. Do damage, once again, to the girl that didn�t deserve it.
Sarah
The CD was whirring around in its case, trying to block out the memory of the phone call I had just received. My mother fell and completely busted up her legs all black and blue, Clint now wanted to get back together and I blatantly refused, I nearly had food poisoning earlier today and now�
�You�re what?�
�Sarah�Zac�s right,� Isaac said into the phone almost mechanical-like. He could not seriously mean this. Why would he ever ask me to be his girlfriend then break his promise? What was he, so weak minded, that he couldn�t keep a girl for longer than a week now? I thought I was different.
I guess I�m not different after all.
�How the fuck is he right?� I was yelling. It was early evening, it was cold outside to me. I had just gotten back from a dinner with Clint and Stephanie and had a ton of work to do once I got back, and now he drops this bomb, �How the fuck is Zac right, Ike?�
�Will you quiet down?� his voice was hurried and rushed and it sounded like he was on the highway, �Sarah�I mean��
�Yeah, beautiful excuse,� the tears were stinging my eyes. I wondered if I could see his car on the highway from here so I could flip him off.
�I am a complete mess.�
�I�m aware of that,� I bit my tongue at that comment.
�I need this time to better myself. I really do. I don�t want to lead you on into something that you might not be prepared to face with me. I don�t want to put you through this pain anymore. I need to deal with it myself before I can make a real commitment to you. Please understand.�
�I fucking understand,� my tears were running down my face now and I was sitting on the ground. The chair wasn�t strong enough to hold me up, I was too afraid of falling off because I was swaying so much in disbelief, �I know what I am to you. I�m a dream. Right? I�m not one of those perfect little blonde women fans that are skinny, petite, and would fit perfectly on your arm. I�m overweight, so the fuck what? I�m average, so the fuck what? I have so much more than what you deserve, Ike,� I decided to call him this to piss him off. He loved it when I called him Isaac, �You can�t commit to something really good in your life because it�s too hard for you. Well get the hell over it. Life is fucking hard, okay? You�re taking the easy way out. I was willing to stick with you through everything. You have no self-discipline. All it takes is �oh I�m going to change no matter what�. But you�re giving up. Where are you going, anyway? The bar?�
�Yeah, Sarah,� his voice was rising in anger and heat, �I�m going to the bar. I�m going to have the biggest fucking Jagermeister bomb they have and guess what�I�m going to buy everybody in the fucking bar a round of them just because I�m a fucking rock star, something you can never be!�
My heart was torn into little pieces. I took off the emerald necklace he had given me and threw it out of the window, �Guess what I just did Isaac? Guess! I threw your necklace out of the window. I hope somebody steps on it. Or even better, I hope your bimbo finds it and wears it herself and I hope you think of me while you�re fucking her brains out!�
�You know what, just because I�m breaking up with you doesn�t mean I hate you, you know.�
�Yeah, sure it doesn�t. God, can�t you keep it in your pants for your own sake?� I don�t even know where that came from, �Damn trouser snake getting the best of you.�
�Well, why don�t you just fuck Zac then? He�s fucking in love with you.�
�I�m not attracted to him. For some screwed up reason, I�m attracted to you and your essence of �asshole�. God�you�re just like my Dad.�
There was silence. More silence, �Isaac?�
�Am I really like your dad?� he asked feebly, his whole essence changed in the matter of seconds. I knew I had pushed a major button.
�No,� I sighed, knowing he wasn�t, �He refuses to get help. You�re getting help�and I hope to shit you�re not going to blow it.�
�Sarah�I promise you I�m not blowing it. I just�I feel bad asking you to be my girlfriend�when I can�t even be a boyfriend right now. Please�can you please wait for me?�
And I answered the same last time before he left, �I can�t promise you that.�
Isaac
I stared at the cell phone sitting on the end table. Holly�s apartment reeked of alcohol and pot. I found pot in hidden drawers all around the apartment, even some hidden in the freezer for safe keeping. I was beginning to wonder about her.
But don�t worry�I�ll be completely honest. I haven�t drank a drop of alcohol.
How dare Sarah tell me I have no discipline. I came to Holly�s apartment and didn�t have a drink of alcohol and am coughing my brains out from second-hand smoke. She is basking in the afterglow of sex. I couldn�t get myself to do it.
I couldn�t sleep with Holly. I didn�t love her.
She was frustrated because by the time we got to her apartment, my erection had passed and she got so pissed that I refused to have sex with her that she went down to the strip club and got another guy to get her laid. And they booted me out of the bedroom. And had sex in it.
�Oh god�� she was moaning heavily, her door still propped open and the headboard felt like it was going to make a hole in the wall, �Fuck me, Bryan.�
I rolled my eyes, looking over the ratty kitchen. She wasn�t here very often, obviously. There were random sets of old bagel bags left open on the counter, a package of Kraft American cheese and a pack of ham left on the table with a knife covered with mayonnaise next to it, and a trail of ants crawling around on the ground, surrounding a massive spill by the refrigerator of what looked like grape juice. The smoke from her pot smoking lingered in the air and I felt like I couldn�t breathe.
�MMM�Bryan�god�I�m so wet for you. Feel me, baby.�
Sticking my nose out and snorting heavily, discouraging the sounds of their �heavy lovemaking�, looking at the fridge. The baggies were everywhere, filled with the stubby green pot. Lifting up one of the bags with the corner of my t-shirt, I stuffed it into my jean pocket for safe keeping later, making sure my fingerprints would not be on it.
Luckily, the psych ward wasn�t too far from where Holly lived. Holly lived around here�which I found odd�she lived here?
I then saw an old yearbook strewn out on her table, splattered with old Dijon mustard on the page. It didn�t cover anything I was looking at, but I found myself fascinated by this yearbook. James Madison Senior High School in Southern California. It was open to one of the freshman pages and I found a picture that looked so familiar to me.
Cecily Brown.
�Oh god�yes! Ohhh�deeper, make me scream.�
Confidence in you�is confidence in me�is confidence in high speed. Quit blocking out the beautiful music, woman with your banshee yells. That moment I knew I had made a mistake. I had let Sarah go. I had given 7up. I had told her to give up. No, no I can�t do that. My mind wasn�t even comprehending what was going on. Cecily Brown�why does that name sound familiar? An XO crossed out on her forearm�I had noticed one of those on Holly�s wrist while she was driving. It was still red and sore, like she had been picked at it�
Cecily�s picture was circled in a heavy black Sharpie trail and above it said, �Lady of the Shadow. MUST DIE.�
Why was she such a dumb shit?
�Baby�ohh�keep going. You�re so hot for me. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard I break.�
Oh my god�she was after Cecily.
I flipped the yearbook over. California�Cecily was from California. I looked around the book for a brief couple second before I skimmed this article on Andrea Parks. Andrea Parks? There was a huge article that looked like it was glued in there from an Internet website. At the top of the website, there was another bold Sharpie line, formed into words this time, �This should have belonged here.� It wrote of Andrea Parks� death.
But Andrea Parks was never dead.
�Oh god, I feel it�it�s coming�oh god I�m going to cum��
There was list that looked like a grocery list. It was a grocery list�but filled with countless names that were scratched off. Lydia Adams. Dead. Samantha Reddy. Dead. The list went on. I tried hard to decipher some of the names on the list and wanted to keep this as well. I saw a current snap snot of Holly in front of a dead body of a man with clearly bloody hands that she was trying to hide. I grabbed this too. I was getting frantic. I looked at the list again. Valerie McEndall. My breath caught. Dead. Oh my god�
Cecily Brown. Dead.
I wanted to hurry out of there. At the top it read �Ladies of the Shadows�. This girl killed people�she killed�dozens of people. There were a few names left that weren�t crossed out yet. The yearbook page was open to one of the senior pages now. Color photographs littered the pages of the hopeful pages that would one day grace college campuses all over the nation. The list struck my eye as well as I looked down at one of the names that was not crossed off.
Amber Hargrove-Simon.
Hargrove�that was Amber�s last name before she got married to Rich. Her picture was circled in the deep black Sharpie. And her death even had a date, �MUST DIE. On October 29, 2005.�
Flipping a couple pages later, seeing a couple more crossed off faces, I saw Lydia Parker�s face smiling behind a dark black X and next to her, a more familiar face.
Andrea �Pip� Parks. Vivid blonde hair�blue eyes�planned to be a physics major�unusually thin�
�FUCK! I LOVE YOU! OH GOD I LOVE YOU!�
Holly was Andrea. Pip�Oh my god�evidence. I snatched the book and I ran.
Sarah
Settling in the confusion was very raw and very hurtful. I didn�t know what Isaac and I were now. Were we history? He had told me to give up on him�oh god I wish it were that easy. I really, really do wish it were easy. I knew something monumental was happening. I wasn�t exactly sure, but I knew something was coming. It�s been like, oh gosh, how long now? I don�t even know. I haven�t heard anything. It�s Zac�s birthday. Good gosh. I am totally random, but I am not drunk.
Damn I miss Isaac.
I think I may be starting to like Zac as more than a friend. I really don�t think I am, but anyway. Yeah I just feel really weird about everything. I am listening to a tape that my cousin and I did when we were in a goofy mood. We get weird with Green Day. Don�t even ask. I don�t want to tell. NYAH!
I don�t think I am, but I think I have to deal with him again. Zac wants to see me. Not Kate. Me. I don�t exactly know what I�m going up against. I�m wondering if I might possibly owe him. I�m wondering. He said he wants to tell me something.
I hope it�s good news.