I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, I'll give up what I
Started and stop this, from end to beginning
A new day is calling, and I am finally free � 30 Seconds to Mars �Attack�

Isaac

�Ick, I can�t make this long,� her voice was hushed and quiet. She seemed to be crowded around people, �What�s been going on there?�

�Well�I�ve been stuck in therapy since July�why in the hell are you talking to me?�

�I just wanted to let you know I forgive your slut-fucking ass,� she laughed joyfully into the phone, �Regardless of your dick-ness, you�re an okay kid. You better be treating Sarah well as far as I�m concerned or I�ll be on your ass.�

�I am-�

�Now I don�t know what�s up with Cecily, but I�ve been investigating your little problem that you�ve been having.�

�You mean, with Val�s murder?�

�Yes�I need to let you know something.�

�What is it?� my hand gripped to the phone like I needed to live to hear these words.

�I assume you�ve heard of the Ladies of the Shadows, correct?�

�Yeah��

�Well, I�m a member.�

�WHAT?� my yell made passers-by stare at me and make funny faces. Just so happens that the really psycho ones passed by. Geez.

�Let me explain things to you before you go all crazy on me, fuck face,� she said seriously into the phone, �There�s a lot of misconceptions in that head of yours about us.�

�You guys are bad!� I felt like a 5-year old that would see a picture of a robber for the first time in a book and was reacting in that way. How pathetic.

�Shut up,� she barked into the phone and continued, �First off, the Ladies of the Shadows are NOT bad. You hear me? We�re not bad. We�ve been trying to investigate Val�s murder. That�s right, I didn�t say suicide, I said murder. It was a murder and we�re almost ready to finalize everything.�

�What exactly are you guys doing in this group?�

�There are not many of us�but we�re almost positive there is a group against you. They based their tattoo system on ours. Ours is the XO tattoo on our wrist that is blood red. Theirs is X-ed out.�

Why did the x-ed out sound so familiar?

�There aren�t many of them, but they�ve been trying to weasel their way into your life. Val wasn�t a member of this group�I�ve done some research into this, and it turns out there have been files about unsolved murders in the California area. Multiple killings�we might be dealing with a serial killer here Ick.�

My head was spinning at this point. God, would I have to get a pen and paper to write this all down because this seemed like a complicated story. Furthermore, it was going to get even more complicated.

�I�ve also investigated this one girl and I got some information about her. Her name is Andrea Parks. She�s been on the missing persons boards since about June 2002. She was a senior in high school at that time, but she dropped out of high school right before graduation. I found it odd considering I went to her high school, looked up her records, and found out she was a straight A student.�

�Okay��

�Going around to people she used to know was hard. All they did was cry about her changing and hanging out with the drug crowd. Stories that they�ve told me show that she was heavy into drug use and some have even claimed to see her stripping and beginning a mild prostitution ring. One witness in particular saw a bright red cut in her hand that resembled an XO pattern, and then multiple scratches throughout it. It was almost as if she had completely given up, but I haven�t found out why�only this��

�What?�

�Her parents were murdered in the middle of the night a couple months after her 18th birthday. Not much after that. Some people she knew had seen her around, but she seemed avoidant and depressed. She dropped out of sight after that�many believe she�s dead.�

�Amber�are you sure I can trust you?� I asked questioningly.

�Of course you can trust me Ick�how long have you known me?� Amber suddenly got angry, �I would do anything to save your sorry ass. I just wanted to warn you�there has been more suspicious drug activity around where you are going to therapy.�

�And what does this have to do with me?�

�Isaac�I have a hunch that Andrea changed her identity�and she might be someone you know.�

Sarah

What else is there to say that hasn�t already been said? I hate looking at this damn incision, I hate the way it feels, I hate how I�m not letting myself properly heal, I hate how I keep plunging myself into my work to avoid thinking of Isaac and also my grandmother.

Not only did my mother did cancer this summer�Gram now has it. I couldn�t even go to her biopsy yesterday.

I�m waiting to go out to dinner with Taylor, Zac, Natalie and Kate. Isaac is allowed off the premises of the Behavioral Center for a couple hours�then he has to go back. This�ll probably be the first time he�s seen daylight for a while.

His parents aren�t coming�I decided not to question.

Twirling quickly in my brand new green Bohemian-style skirt, I loved how it was. It looked like it would flow around my legs when I circled my carpet, but it didn�t. I was fine with that. Perfection is not the thing tonight. This is the 2nd time I will be seeing Isaac since he got back in�

Good grief, this feels like a date; a big triple date. Anybody heard of that? I�m starting the trend, going on a triple date.

My hair was pulled back simply and I decided not to put any makeup on. I�ve been make-up free for school since I started going here, why start now? I put it on every once in a while, but I�m pretty sure Isaac can stomach my natural face.

Gosh�it feels like so much time has passed. Fright Fest is coming back to Kennywood�I wonder if the guys will ask me to go again. I just remember looking at that picture from Fright Fest last year, the one that Natalie took of me laughing and Zac and Tay were holding me up. The frizzy hair, fading of its former crimson life, was still strewn about my face and I held a true look of bliss. My first trip on the Skycoaster�I had gone with Isaac and I was freaking out during it, so he got down on the ground and made fun of me. That was before we got to the funhouses�

If you ever want to show me a good time on Halloween, I highly recommend NOT taking me to a haunted house.

When I was 8, I was traumatized by one. They just jumped out from everywhere and I was scared out of my gourd. Isn�t it a rule they�re not allowed to touch you? Well�one of them touched me. I vowed I�d never go to one again�then Fright Fest came along. I took a deep breath and everybody jumped out with a knife in their hands. I was hysterically crying when I got out, by Lost Kennywood and all I wanted to do was to ride the Phantom�s Revenge and get my mind off of it. Isaac thought I was acting like a baby, that his ex-girlfriend would never act like this. His ex-girlfriend liked haunted houses. His ex-girlfriend wasn�t scared of people with knives. What was his girlfriend�an alien?

Wrong wording. That�s when he hit me. I later found out that his ex had called and had been hassling him about things.

That�s when I also found out about the stalking. He talked about it on the video�along with the cutting. She left him these creepy notes that made him really nervous to keep going out with me. But he did. He didn�t let it bother him. Well�to an extent they did bother him. I know I picked up a note on the table one time when I first went on the bus and stared at the little slip of paper:

She wears In the Rain and smiles all the time.

�Isaac�is this a lyric idea?� I asked as he was walking into the room, fixing his tie. I knew we were on the verge of going on another date together and I was clutching the strap of my purse nervously as he gently grabbed the slip from my hands. I was still nervous about him slapping me, but I chose to forgive him. Everybody deserves a second chance.

�Oh no,� he read it slowly, �Oh God�Kerri.�

�Kerri?� I replied as he grabbed my hand with authority and took me into his bunk, pulling out a small bound journal and he opened it, adding the slip in with a quick piece of tape. The pages were littered with the same slips of paper and I was horrified at what I saw. Sayings like �Why in the hell do you like her? She�s fat.� , �Isaac�you will be mine again.� , �I see you�why do you keep playing hide and seek with me?� and �Did you feel my breath on your neck during rehearsal?� That�s the one that scared me.

Then one day before his birthday�they just stopped. I didn�t think of it�until Isaac called me.

Isaac

�Sarah?� I cooed gently into the phone, trying not to panic. I had gotten an envelope full of little messages from Kerri during mail call�and I was starting to get afraid, especially since a couple days ago when Amber told me the news about Andrea, �We have a situation.�

�What is it?� she asked, �I�m getting ready to go out with you guys, you know�are you almost ready to go?�

�Yes�we�re going to bring extra security along though�do you remember the notes when we first started dating?�

�From�K-�crap, what�s her name,� I mumbled to myself as I was trying to dig into my mind of last year. Making something resurface off the top of your head sucks, especially when your mind is on other things, �Kerri?�

�Yeah that�s the one�� the sound of her voice soothed me even though my soul was rolling on a rickety roller-coaster track, �She�s been sending me messages again.�

�What can you do about it?�

�I�m not quite sure�Amber is investigating the thing about Val�s murder and found out some information�but I don�t want you to be worried, Steps.�

�Isaac?�

�What?� I asked her softly. I didn�t want to push her patience anymore. I didn�t want to treat her more than anything she is to me. I didn�t want to take her for granted anymore.

�You mean more to me than to call me �Steps��don�t ever call me that again,� it was almost as if her eyes were looking straight into mine when she said that, �And I�m going to try not to be worried. I have more�things than an ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend to be worried about.�

�Alright,� I replied simply, biting my tongue at what I would say to her about the ex comment, �So�what have you been up to?�

Who would have known this would be the most awkward conversation we would ever have.

�I hate reminiscing on crap Isaac,� she said out of the blue, �I�ve been really stressed out and I�m just looking forward to escaping all this crap. Just whatever you do�don�t wince when you see the stitches.�

�I�m sorry I didn�t come up and see you. I should have.�

There was a pause on the phone as she replied quieter than I�ve ever heard her speak, �You�you were there?�

�Yeah, I was there�I was there after�you know�too.�

�You were?� her voice rose quickly, �How dare you not tell me! I�ve gone this whole time thinking that you don�t give a shit about me when you actually DO? How could you do that to me?�

�I was scared,� my voice was pleading with hers to understand, �I was so ashamed at what I had done to you�I didn�t know how to deal with it. I had Taylor lie, like you already know, but God�I don�t know how I could have ever done that to you. You don�t deserve that.�

�Damn right I don�t,� she snorted.

�Just listen, okay? Remember�you said you would listen to me,� I sighed gently, �I know I�ve done some terrible things to you�and we both agreed we�d try to put them behind us. I know you believe something could come out of this�and I truly believe that now. More than ever, Sarah, I want things to work between us. You shouldn�t even give a damn, yet you do. That takes a lot of soul. I want that soul with me in my life. I want that soul to keep caring for me. But you don�t have to live in our past parasitical relationship anymore. I will give you everything you�ve ever imagined. Love, passion, hardship�imperfection within perfection; that�s what I want to give you. I want to be everything you�ve ever wanted. I really do.�

Silence. More silence, �I�ve learned something from this, you know.�

�What?� Please don�t say �never trust an alcoholic�.

�Love is hell on Earth. It�s not like anybody says it is�at least, what we have isn�t. Why would you want to love a girl like me? I�m�I�m over weight, I�m loaded with baggage, I have these crazy bumps on my arms, I have a swearing problem, I say stupid, dorky things�I point out all your bad qualities to you.�

�But you�re Sarah Stairs. I don�t care if you�re not perfect�I�m not perfect either. Why would you want to love a guy like me? I�m addicted to alcohol, I�m famous and will never be around, I go on spastic rounds with Zac, I have imperfect teeth, for God�s sakes, I�ve tried to commit suicide�I should be in here forever�and yet, you�re still a Goddess to me that doesn�t deserve to be put through all this shit.�

�I wish you would criticize me, then I would feel better about doing it to you,� she sighed softly, �I�ve found myself longing for you more every day�I can�t wait till you get out of there.�

�How do you know you�ll want to be with me after I get out?�

�I don�t�I just want to.�

That�s all I needed to hear, �God, I just want to hug you right now.�

�I put up with a lot of your shit�but if it happens again, I�m gone. You hear me? Out. I�m out of your life. I won�t put up with it. I�ve been good enough to you. Now it�s your turn to be good to me.�

She was right, �You�re right, Sarah. I�m going to try my damn-dest.�

�I�ll meet you halfway�I�ll see you in an hour, okay?�

�Alright�� I didn�t say �I love you� like I wanted to and she didn�t either. We were still working things out. It�s definitely not easy.

It shouldn�t be�and what do you know�that took Kerri off my mind.

Sarah

Green upon peach seems to be the color fad of the moment. I�m actually nervous. Zac picked me up. Kate is hitching a ride with Taylor and Natalie. The kids are being watched by dear old Di. I�m about to get to the restaurant. The Park never happened, to remind you all. Kate, I�ve heard, can be a real jealous person when it comes to other women.

�So�have you seen Ike lately?� my voice shifted from squirrely to completely absurd and with fake-confidence that was like ladling soup through a slotted spoon.

�Yeah�I�m about to pick him up from the hospital�if you don�t mind, that is,� he looked over at me. God it hurt me to look at him. Those eyes�he reminded me of Isaac. They were full of soul just like his but there held something that Isaac didn�t have�

Innocence.

It still hurt to be around him, yes, but we were both dealing with it. Him dealing with the fact that he couldn�t control himself around me; that he secretly liked me. Me dealing with it because I had gotten drunk out of my own accord, and that was a dumb move in itself. Zac had on the radio and that is the first time I�ve ever heard �Mercy Me� on the radio.

�Eeek!� I cried out and turned it up. It was nearing 8 O�clock and yeah�it was late for dinner, but oh well. It was special�it was reuniting in a sense, �I love this song.�

That�s when he said it� �I love you.�

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