Light, like the flutter of wings
feel your hollow voice rushing into me
As you're longing to sing
So I... I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold
I will lift up your voice as I sink � A.F.I. �Silver and Cold�
Sarah
The car stopped. The air froze in pellets, even though it was not cold. Gosh, I bet Isaac could even feel the tremor in the Earth. Tomorrow would be the first day of fall. Tomorrow would bring around our knowledge of each other�s existence full circle. And he was telling me this NOW?
�What did you say?�
�Nothing,� he looked at me, resisting heavily and restarting the car when he pulled over. It was still mild in the air and the darkness swallowed us whole. I never thought I could like Zac�and technically I didn�t, but his dedication to me, in a sense, was overwhelming. Everything was crashing on top of me in more ways than I was even aware of.
�You do not love me,� I looked him firmly in the eyes, pulling up the top of my shirt, afraid suddenly that he would be staring at my cleavage. Come on, Zac�s not like that�or at least I think he�s not, �You know I love Isaac.�
�I know it�s wrong�� he looked at me firmly like he wanted more than anything else to just wrap me in his arms and forget the world was whirring by his left ear, �I�ve never felt a connection like this before.�
�We�re friends,� I insisted. Then I thought of Family Guy and what the therapist said to Brian �who are you trying to convince, me or you?� but I already knew the answer. Damn Counseling classes, �What happened that night between us at J�s�I didn�t know what I did.�
�But I did,� he looked down at his hands, nervously tapping them on his knees, �I knew every moment. I knew you were drunk�and I didn�t care. I knew you wouldn�t remember. I figured it would be perfect. If only I would have known Taylor would be such a dick about it, I wouldn�t have chosen to do it in front of everyone else.�
�Taylor is not a dick,� I said, protecting him.
�Ugh, don�t tell me you like him, too,� he snorted angrily.
�I do not like him,� I huffed back to him, �Why are you acting like this, Zac?�
�Do you like to take abuse? Honestly? Cause if you stay with Ike, all you�ll get is crap from him.�
�Right now is all that matters to me, and right now I�m getting crap from you, so stop it,� my defenses were kicking in.
�He�s a fucking alcoholic, Sarah�what makes you think you�re so great that you�re going to change him? Seriously? You couldn�t change your dad, and look where he is now.�
�Don�t use him against me�� my tears were surfacing. Zac sure knew which buttons to push�I haven�t heard from my dad in months and Tay found him in the paper. Turns out my dad�s been around here and hasn�t even bothered to call. He took his friend to the courthouse for a hearing about a D.U.I. charge and was stupid enough to go in himself and got a D.U.I.. Brilliant, �You have no idea...you all just want to believe Isaac is perfect.�
�I damn well know Ike isn�t perfect, I started drinking because of him,� Zac murmured and I decided to stay quiet. I will not deal with this. Zac knows I love Isaac and I don�t understand why he would do this to me. It�s like beating a cat when it�s already dead. Forget about it.
�Let�s go in, okay?�
�Then again, Sarah�everybody says I love a new girl every minute. Maybe you�re no different.�
A final stinger�damn you. Why the hell am I friends with you? Oh yeah�cause you get me.
Isaac
The vision in front of me was pleasant in my point of view. I tried not to read Zac�s face. I know he�s in love with her�and it looks like he finally dropped the bomb. My girl won�t take that.
My girl�sounds good on her. Almost like I�m making her try on a Vera Wang dress.
�Hey,� she said shyly as she stepped up to me, giving me a deep hug and Zac gave me a simple little smile. That was his way of dealing with this whole situation. Taylor wouldn�t speak to me�and Zac soaked it up in booze like I used to do. I�m surprised he�s not drunk right now.
�Ready to go?� I looked at him and he nodded. I knew I needed to have a talk with him before I came back to this god forsaken barred-up hellhole which wasn�t too bad. I liked that people understand�or at least tried to. I had Sarah to look forward to when I got out.
Hopefully Taylor would be speaking to me by this time next month. Oh my god�a month left! It made me want to jump up.
Zac insisted both of us sit in the back seat cause quote-unquote �I�m not going to deal with your humping in my peripheral while I�m driving�, so we got in the back. I held her hand. For God�s sakes, does he think I�m some kind of pervert?
Well�yeah I do get his point. I did bang her while she was high on E�but I was drunk. I�m trying to forget that, okay?
I sighed. She sighed. Zac sighed. God this was like a bad fanfiction threesome. Who would dare break the silence? The air in this car is getting heavy and is way too dramatic for my current taste. Normally I would love to live for the chaos and drama. It would inspire me. This was stale and way too close to home.
Sarah laced her fingers with mine and I was absent from the situation. I knew she just wanted to cuddle up to my shoulder. She was a naturally cuddly person and I adored that. I wanted to be more like that. But damnit, I had to be a man and act stern. Don�t go nuts over the women, they love you enough for your lyrics. Well my dad didn�t say that part�but Zac and Taylor both had said the second part. A person is more than beautiful words. They have to be beautiful actions too.
My actions have not been beautiful, and now I have to learn from that.
The car was silent. The bodyguards followed. Zac was oblivious, �Why in the crap are they coming with us?�
�Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,� yeah, what a great silence breaker, �Uh�we�re having a �Kerri� issue at the moment.�
�Kerri? You mean that psycho bitch you went on one date with before going out with Miss Bright Eyes back there?� Zac laughed, acting like nothing was wrong. I read right through it. Zac was either really easy to read or really hard to read. Glad this was one of those easy moments.
�Yes, that would be Kerri,� I sighed gently and Sarah slightly tightened her grip on my hand, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles in reassurance. Her glance met mine in military fashion. She knew there was nothing she could do, but maybe there was.
�Hey Sar�� I whispered in her ear gently, smelling some foreign fragrance in her hair that I wasn�t familiar with. All her scents were indescribable; it was like I was with a different woman now, �Could I ask you a huge favor?�
�Yeah�� she looked at me, pulling out some body spray and spraying it quickly on her wrists and rubbing some from there on her neck. Her pulse points are sexy. That familiar scent (now peach) is back.
�Well it�s not really a favor, it�s more of a�� I looked at her gently as I fingered the box inside my pocket. I had made a recent purchase when they took the �good group� out to the mall�and I just had to get her this, �More of a request.�
�What is it?� she looked into my eyes so curiously, so sweetly that I could barely do this. Her smile widened when my eyes diverted to my hands in fear. I could never imagine how far we would have come at this time last year. I would be questioning �Sarah? I don�t know a Sarah? Nah�I can�t take girls seriously anymore, let alone the games they play.� I didn�t care if Sarah played any games�I just loved her.
That�s why I needed her to do this for me.
�Sarah�� I grabbed the box and fingered it with my thumb and forefinger, not taking it out of my pocket. My suit was feeling rather itchy at the moment and my tie needed fixed, my hair was collecting the sweat that was growing over me like a tidal wave, and I was afraid she would make Zac stop the car and run away from me as quickly as she had come into my life. It was a flash in the pan, really. A chance meeting. A meeting that I really didn�t take seriously. But later�I just had that gut feeling and took a chance at it, �I love you.�
�I know you do,� she ran her hand down my arm, caressing it gently and looked into my eyes with that gentle sincerity that I believed would pull me through anything, �I love you too.�
I could swear I heard Zac sneer from the front seat and I pulled out the box with the delicate emerald necklace in the center and I asked her:
�Will you be my girlfriend?�
Sarah
My eyes were blinded. Is that an emerald? Gosh�I felt flustered, almost like he was proposing marriage to me. My heart leapt up into my throat and my breath was short.
�Yes,� was all I could say as I put on the widest smile I�ve had in weeks, �I would love to.�
He simply kissed my cheek and he put on the necklace, delicately, the tiny gold chain loosely lying on my skin. The emerald met my skin in the valley between my collarbones. I smiled and he once again, kissed me on the cheek.
Leaning over to whisper gently into my ear, I could smell his cologne. I�ve never been good at recognizing male scents, but I could tell it was musky and he smelled like Johnson�s Baby Shampoo, �I promise you�that I will write a song about this night.�
My mind was a tizzy for the rest of the night. He was going to write a song about tonight? I wonder how many songs he had written about girlfriends before. It had to have come from a source, or need, or desire, or experience of some sort. That scent alone could have girls crawling over him to get a piece of his shirt. I was never like that. I personally never was. I loved the thrill of the chase. I longed for love. I longed for what could grow between Isaac and I. We weren�t quite there yet. We had this thirst that needed to be quenched and it was like finding drips of water in the desert; it came slow, but was worth every ounce of pain.
Entering the restaurant (which happened to be Valozzi�s, which I had only been to before with Clint�on my first Valentine�s Day date) I felt the Italian atmosphere come alive in my eyes, my ears, and my soul. Isaac�s hand grasped onto mine and we slowly laced fingers together. Zac decided to wait outside for Kate, Tay and Nat to arrive and Isaac didn�t want to just stand outside while it was drizzling. Pennsylvania is famous for drizzle.
Must be the aftermath of Hurricane Ophelia.
Oh great�I just remembered, now there�s Hurricane Rita to worry about. Need to keep that off my mind for now. Do NOT need to be stressed out about that along with this.
�Take a seat,� Isaac held out the seat for me and I put my hands underneath my skirt, smoothing it out before I sat down, feeling like a lady in the restaurant. Proper, elegant, special. I felt like his goddess. I felt like we were meant to be in this moment together. Nowhere else. Just here.
I smiled at him and he reached over to my hand, shyly running his thumb over my dimples and I blushed.
�What?� he asked.
�I have dimples�� I laughed randomly, �Not knuckles.�
�So?� he stifled a giggle as well, �I don�t care.�
�Well I do,� I giggled a little bit more and I saw people turning around to look at the mysterious giggler, �I�m kind of embarrassed by it.�
�I�m aware of that,� he smiled as the others were softly filling in. Isaac was sitting across from me. It seemed as though we were going to sit �boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl�, and I�m not quite sure how it�s going to be. Well I do�I�m going to be surrounded by Zac and Tay. Yippie ki-yay.
We all sat down, the order being me, Taylor, Kate, Isaac, Natalie, and Zac. All the Hanson boys were sort of blonde, and all the girls were brunettes. Natalie was the little petite brunette that you envied on Taylor�s arm, Kate was this gorgeous, tall brunette that you dream of being on the runway, and then there�s me, the chunky plain one.
That makes me feel great.
Kate was babbling on about some science goop that I didn�t know about, something about playing with fake blood in her criminal science class. I�m sure even blood would look good on her. She was one of those girls that a bulimic woman would strive to be and have in her private notebook. Natalie was sweetly looking at Taylor and talking to Isaac and Zac. I was completely devoid of the attention at the table. Not like that was a huge problem or anything, I just would have liked to talk to somebody.
We all ordered. I ordered the seafood fettuccini with the scallops, which are indeed yummy. The time was flying by. I saw Isaac�s eyes through the flickering candlelight, sending a strong yellow glow across the table. I didn�t feel beautiful. I didn�t feel special. I felt like just another person that was not worthy of this family at all. Even knowing them, really.
Tears were surfacing. I don�t even know why. My head was swimming in this atmosphere. I quickly dug into my food and didn�t speak to anyone else during the dinner. I tried to concentrate on how many bites it would take to finish and how fast I could eat and how fast we would be leaving afterwards. I wasn�t focusing on how good the sauce tasted, how sweet the scallops were, or that Isaac had been trying to get my attention all the rest of dinner.
�Sarah?� I finally heard a louder voice. Zac. I turned, a noodle sticking out of my mouth and a goofy look on my face.
�What?� I quickly sucked the fettuccini noodle into my mouth with a loud slurp and stared at the rest of the table like I had sprouted another eye.
�Kate was just telling he she had heard about music therapy,� Zac started.
�Yes�I would love to hear more about it, what it is, really,� she smiled that perfect smile. That smile you don�t get on the runway. The one the paparazzi would cream over.
I hate when people ask stupid questions.
Isaac
Sitting back and staring at her, dang she was so quiet. Now that she was engaged in conversation, she was quite delightful to listen to. I don�t even know why I had asked her to be my girlfriend in a sense. The only reason I questioned it is because in a way, it seemed like both of us weren�t really ready for this relationship. At the same time, there was something tugging at my heartstrings more and more about Sarah. Something deeper than the usual physical that I am obsessed with. Who cares if she has D-cup breasts, I never looked at them.
Wait maybe I have to think about that�no, I haven�t ever really found myself surrounded by their estrogenical treachery. I didn�t care that she had a round face and didn�t look anything like Kate, who had actually come onto me before and I immediately turned her down because a couple days earlier I had seen her and Zac become very cozy with each other.
I�ve been trying to surround myself in this surreal atmosphere at the table, purging into conversation with Natalie about Penny and Kate about college when all I wanted to do was lay in Sarah�s arms and listen to her breathe. It was odd�
It was like I wanted everything�and yet I wanted nothing at all. Yes she got on my nerves even during the months I denied I liked her or�maybe it was the moments I didn�t know what the hell I wanted. She could be the epitome of the most annoying girl on the planet. Other times I just wanted to hug her so tight and kiss her and let her know I thought the planets revolved around her words.
Maybe this is what love really feels like.
It�s not real here. I�m trying to hide myself from someone else. But it�s not possible. There she is. Kerri.