Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence�
Switchfoot "Dare You To Move"
The silhouette of a woman: voluptuous, sensual, her hair softly floating right on her shoulders. It flooded my mind with desire. But I wish I could see more. The sun was like a flood in my eyes, blinding my vision of everything but the darkest blur set in front of me, a sort of beacon in the storm to my ship. Something that I was guided towards, my one true goal in life...
Then they appeared: a pair of brown eyes to mirror my own. Somehow I knew that I would be writing ballads about this woman�this mystery, this unknown figure in front of me. I wanted to reach her, to touch her, to feel her, just to know she was real�so I reached out. My fingers outstretched, the lights of the sun powering them further to stretch and curl around the skin, but as the angel floated above me, I felt myself falling further and further from her grasp. Reaching for the sky wasn't working; I could see her swirling into colors above her, the colors of what was thought to be her aura. I have always been quite spiritual and when I saw the colors radiating from her, I felt myself becoming cerebral again. I had studied a little bit, but I had never been able to see any one�well this technically wasn't anyone; it was a spirit, so scratch that.
The woman floating above me was enveloped in bright pastel colors, a culmination of bright pink and violet shades with a hint of gold. Ah...she's inspired, artistic, loving, and sensitive. Spurts of white were hovering around her head, which means she's pure. But what disturbed me and probably made me float lower was that her heart was turquoise and black. She's compassionate�I felt my eyes waver to wonder why this bright aura would have a black heart with a brown lining�it meant she was insecure and misunderstood, but why black? True, it did emerge and bleed with the turquoise, so maybe these two were one�they helped each other�but why is it distinctly black?
Maybe...maybe I could heal it�if I could just reach her...
Slamming to the ground, my eyes jutted open as if someone stuck a needle in my arm and I winced in pain, shutting them quickly.
Damn�I fell out of the bunk again.
"Dude�not again�" I heard Zac's voice laughing from slightly down the hall. As I raised my head to the place where it hit, I felt blood from my forehead slightly across my fingers. I must have bumped the metal this time. Must. Stop. Drinking.
"What time is it?" I moaned softly as I raised myself from the bottom that I had fallen to. There was no way that dream could mean anything�that was just a result of my being completely trashed. Crazy alcohol dreams.
"7:43, you slept in," Zac looked at me as I got up, adjusting to the bright day outside. A new day, a new slate to start on�and a new day to mess things up again.
"Only by 13 minutes," I went in the bathroom and winced as I poked at the large cut on my forehead, quickly wetting a washcloth and dabbing it clean.
"You got to cut down on the Bailey's man�" I heard Zac come into the tiny stall, barely fitting the both of us and handed me a small cold pack filled with rice, one of Mom's more brilliant ideas, "It's going to drive you nuts."
I laughed an almost whimsical laugh, a laugh I didn't even know I was capable of anymore, and stuck the rice pack on my forehead, "It wasn't Bailey's�it was Vermouth."
"That shit'll kill you�" Zac gave me a funny, yet brotherly, look, putting his hand on my shoulder, "Cosmo�cut it out."
Cosmo�I couldn't help but laugh when I heard that. Zac and Tay started calling me Cosmo from the Fairly Oddparents 2 months ago because Mackie and Avey love that show. See...I came open to visit one time and I saw them watching it. It was the first time I had been in the room since we recorded the album at 3CG and I just sat on my bed. It was nostalgic�it felt like I was 14 again, just getting into the swing of recording and when I found my love for astronomy and the stars. It wasn't one of those nerdy ones where I would study constellations and memorize them for days�I bought a telescope which Dad sold in the This Time Around tour which I would stare into for hours from outside�I always loved that it was never very light around our house before the fans showed up. I would just stare at the stars, loving their majesty and how everything in the universe revolved around the light.
So when I came back, I decided to sit on my bed, which still had the dull green and brown sheets on it that I told Mom I always hated and opened up one of my old Astronomy books�"Starry Messenger". I sighed as I looked at the elementary colored pictures. I knew Mom had gotten it when I was about 9 but I didn't bother reading it until I was 11 and got fascinated by just staring at stars on the page again. A couple hours later, my hair disheveled and my Astronomy book from freshman year of home schooling that I must have picked up sprawled over my chest, I was met with a poking in my arm.
A poking�a poking�a poking�
"Mackie...what do you want?" I asked, slightly perturbed as I felt his eyes on my face.
"Do you like Cosmo, Ike?" Mackie's big brown eyes focused on my face. He still looked so innocent and young for 11.
"He needs his brain heavily cleansed," I sighed as I rubbed my eyes, rolled over on my side, knocking the book off my chest and feeling like my head was swimming in water.
"You lookin' at one of your old books?" Mackie looked curiously at the old book that I had on my bed.
"'Galileo, Science and the Church'? What the heck is this? Something to do with Cosmos?" Mackie started to laugh.
"Something like that," I gave him a serious look, "Just thoughts and opinions on what the stars mean."
"'I can't even read my own thoughts�'" I knew he was quoting that cartoon again and kept quoting something about 'Blubber Nuggets'�kids�cartoons�youth.
"What are you talking about, Mackie?" I asked him as Avery came into the room and smiled as her brother was quoting that cartoon too, "Are you calling me that fairy's name?"
"'That pretty much hits the nail on the head'!" Avery giggled, messing up my Mohawk and the next thing I knew I was in a wrestling match with her. So that's how it started and it never really ended.
"I hear ya..." I said absentmindedly, walking out of the bathroom and heading to the front of the bus to sit down at the table, "But I don't know if I understand�"
"You will man�you just need to find yourself a Wanda," Zac smiled as he poured himself a bowl of cereal�Boo Berry?
"A Wanda?" I looked at him, moaning. I felt the hangover draining over me as I leaned my head on the cool table. I need a pain pill�
"A Wanda, you know, you're Cosmo�you need to find a Wanda to get you to shape up�maybe it'll make you happier," Zac sat down, patting him softly on the head, "Maybe someone to pussy-whip you."
"Shut up Zac�" I moaned softly as I closed my eyes. I could just imagine the girl in my mind. She was young�she was beautiful�
___________________________________________
I sighed as I looked in the mirror, the ultimate weight of self-worth as I was trying on my 3rd pair of pants. They were so cute too. Damn, why can't they carry just a size bigger?
She felt bad enough that she was getting a 1X in the cotton shirt she wanted. But then again, my roommate said that they make the shirts smaller. Who cares! It's a 1X, how is that supposed to make me feel?
I put back 6 of the 8 pieces I had taken it. At least I found a slinky pair of black pants that I adored. All I noticed were couples, couples, couples�
I'm just numb to it now. I've realized my fate�I'm not meant to be with anyone right now. I'm just meant to be alone with my dreams and my fears and have to deal with everything first. But how long will that take when I have 19 years of demons to face?
After I had purchased the clothes, I know I went back to the dorm and thought about what exactly was going on to make me feel like such shit. I had no confidence, no drive, no initiative to meet any guys, and if I did, I was way too shy to talk to them. All these 180 pounds on me were just blocking their view of a beautiful, friendly, caring young woman who would do anything for love or friendship.
Observing the notebook with the psychedelic swirls on the cover, re-reading the poem I had written for the literary magazine, I fell asleep with it on my chest, dreaming, like I always do�
A faint yellow glow was surrounding the sun-lit room as I heard guitar licks throughout the room. My acoustic guitar was on my right side with the star strap and I heard this beautiful melody in the key of E floating thick in the air, almost like I could slice through it. How could they know that I'm a sucker for a song in E?
A figure was sitting on the bed, softly strumming the guitar and singing inaudible notes to accompany the guitar. Broad shoulders, soft lips, and a beautifully sculpted set of guitarist hands: a man of majesty and inhibition, talent and drive, someone who didn't even notice his potential�kind of like me.
I couldn't see his face�I never see faces in dreams. But I walked over, holding onto my guitar as my shield and I kneeled down in front of him. His face was down, looking at the movement of his fingers on the strings, the rings on his fingers shining in the light of the golden room.
"What's your name?" I asked softly, my voice softer than usual. I'm not hard to hear in a crowd but I'm not that loud for a girl. I've always had a naturally loud voice, but my voice was almost a whisper as I let my small hands touch his chin and tip his face upward to meet mine�
And I was met by the shining of brown eyes that sent me spinning.
The sun flooded into my eyes like a beacon as I beheld what was in front of me. I didn't know if I was asleep or if I was awake. All I knew was that I never experienced anything quite like this before. It kept getting warmer and warmer as I rubbed my eyes in wonder. Nothing made sense. I felt so cerebral at the moment as I looked at the shadow that I saw in the blinding light. Almost like floating on air.
She's just fat.