Now, I don't normally descend into elitist language, but I mean this in the most metaphorical way and say it only to live up to my nickname:
THE HELOT SCUM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MUST CEASE, OR MY KRYPTEIA WILL SLAY THEM ALL!
You must be wondering of what I speak. Well, there's a new movie based on the Iliad coming out, as Meriamon of the Guestbook warned me. This should be a good thing; after all, in our modern enlightenment we should be capable of finally telling this story right. Happily, I did a quick bit of research, but horror of horrors! The God Apollo entered me, and spoke low through my lips, and those who looked on in terror have informed me that we prophesised thus: Lo, the movie will royally suck.
Well, some things won't. For example, Sean Bean of Boromir fame will be playing Odysseus. While this isn't quite right (secretly, it infuriates me--as you all must know by now, I firmly believe Odysseus to be a dwarf, or if you prefer, a Little Person) I could easily get over it. Besides, Sean Bean's a good actor. With me? I'm twitchy, but okay. I can still live with this.
Brad Pitt is Achilles. I suppose this works, what with his born-of-a-goddess thing, but Brad Pitt is sympathetic, and Achilles is not! This is a sure sign the producers are staying in the godawful rut of worshipping power. Why, oh, why do all these people like Achilles? He's a terrible person, worse than all the rest, a bloodthirsty maniac with no cause of his own! Then again, with the exception of that wretched Elizabeth Cook, all Achilles fans have been male. Maybe it's a testosterone thing. Still, I hear that they're not too interested in portraying Achilles as an angel, which is good. On the other hand, they've casted Briseis before they've casted Menelaus, something which suggests to me they're playing up the phony "true love" angle. Uh oh. My stance so far: Wary. Just wary. It could still be good. It could also descend into new depths of crappiness.
Here's where, to me, it all falls horribly apart. Yes, dear readers, they have mangled the two characters I actually care deeply about---Menelaus and Agamemnon! The producers were wondering "Why the hell didn't the Trojans, historically speaking, just give Helen back?" Instead of the obvious answer (because, historically speaking, there WAS no Helen, idiots), they concluded that Menelaus wasn't really out to get his wife back. He and Agamemnon were in it for the sweet jingle of cash.
I'm going to take a minute to smack my head against the wall.
Okay. Listen well, children: The Iliad is a legend! It is a work of fiction! Do not attempt to make it history, or you will ruin the story! Got it? Yes, there was a real Troy. Yes, it was razed to the ground---several times. That doesn't make Homer true in the slightest! Just think about how many works of fiction have been set in New York, for crying out loud. Just because the universe is real doesn't make the story real.
Also, Brian Cox is going to be cast as my beloved, Agamemnon. Here's a hastily drawn artist's rendition of my response. Yes, that's me plunging a spear into my abdomen so that no scion of mine will ever have to live in a world where this has come to pass. You may ask me why my reaction was so extreme. It's because Brian Cox looks like this:
Yeah, he sure looks a lot like the person Homer described, who was young enough to have yellow hair, and was supposedly comely (exact word!). And it's not because Homer beautifies all his characters, either; Dolon and a few others are actually described as downright ugly. Besides, his motive is now supposed to be simple finances. Excuse me, the Oath of Tyndareus, anyone? In other words, they've corrupted one of the neatest characters both physically and personally. Notice that by extension, Menelaus's motives are also suspect, which is a great pity as he's one of the very few actually kind characters in the epic.
You may ask why this should worry me. After all, it's not as if a movie has any credibility or impact on what a story really is; did "Helen of Troy" change anything? No, of course not. But with its fashionable new epic qualities, what I'm most afraid of is that this movie will reap in the same crowd of youngish, impressionable fans as Lord of the Rings did. These are people who are going to read the book second, with actors in their heads instead of characters. If they read it at all. Look, I'm all for making things accessible, but supposed inaccessibility is one of the biggest myths about the ancient world. Homer doesn't need some rich producer to process it into a form this guy deems to be more suitable for the masses. More importantly, the masses themselves don't need it. What classist bullshit is this to say that we commoners need to have great stories dumbed-down and Hollywoodised for us? In the end, "Troy" (the film) isn't about celebrating Homer and revitalising him; if it were, the wealthy white males in charge here would be printing out attractive new plain-language versions of the Iliad or forming literacy campaigns. Sad as it is, it's about seeing how much money can be wrung from a prewritten story. Are people saying "Well, duh!" at this point? Was this obvious, and I'm just naive?
Gosh, it's a scary world.
Also, I've heard that this movie has been inspired by "Gladiator." Great. Look, with Homer, it wasn't Hack 'N' Slash (TM). It's amazing; in the midst of a raging battle, the narration would focus in on two combatants, tell their life stories, and let them duel. Homer used no extras. The real Iliad has the opposite feel and mood of a special effects extravaganza glorifying war, which is what this is going to turn out to be---just when we need it least.
And no gods will be involved. This means no Owl-Eyed Athene kicking Ares's sorry ass to the delight of feminists everywhere; there will be no hilarious chasing of Achilles by the River Scamander. The reason for this is because they're doing the "historical" version of the Iliad, remember?
What is our stupid preoccupation with trying to make things real? What is so wrong with fiction, fantasy and escapism that we feel the need to "legitimise" them thus? Maybe this is a part of the Reality-TV wave, or maybe they're both symptoms of the same tragic disease. Either way, it's destroying actually good material as we stretch it beyond its limits in a sad attempt to make it plausible. Readers, heed me well:
Stand up for fantasy outside the box of its genre; let fantastical elements be, and stop worrying about whether or not it could be accepted in the framework of so-called real life. Dispense with the ugly idea of having a designated setting in which it's acceptable to use your imagination, and I promise we will be rewarded with better worlds in both fiction and life.
