....That's why I'm packin' a lunch.

Back in TV-learnin' skool, I had to do a term paper on that subject;  "A Vast Wasteland."  Ever heard of it?  Can't 'member who said it, but I took issue with it then.  And I'd take issue with it now......If I had time.

By some astrological alignment of two Tel-Star satellites and Uranus, we've happened upon the perfect TV programming day.  I've had to pinch myself all morning.  (...and so often that I've filed sexual harassment charges.)  I ran all my errands yesterday just so I could have
this...This televisual equinox. 

It starts with a mornin' fulla SpongeBobs.  Then a short snack.  A short track.  Football.  Supper.  Coupla quality minutes with the kids.  And then G-g-g-g-g-......G-g-g-g-...(I can't even type it.)
....G-g-g-illigan's Island.

Gg-g-goodnight, kids.

Really.  Just try and pitch me a better broadcast day.  Only way it could be, is if my Bengals were gonna be shown on a local affiliate.  (....Naw, actually, that might
not be so good.)  And ya couldn't ask for any more exciting airtime than Ricky & Rusty & 41 other tempers tryin' to race around that pocket-sized parkin' lot in Martinsville.  (Caveat Fend-ors!)  And oh, some of you may scoff at my choice of cartoons, but hey-....You're just wrong.  Spongebob Squarepants is the funniest thing to hit the Curtis Mathis since...since...since Gilligan's Island.  Need I say more?

To tell the truth, I don't know much about tonight's movie.  I'm tryin' to stay completely ignorant about this thing, and have turned away from all the promos and previews.  I wanna go in 'pure.'  And so far, so good.  Oh, I've inadvertently caught a glimpse or two, but for the most part, I'm still completely ignorant.

Okay, okay.  I know we did the whole
Castaways thing before, but this is Gilligan.  This is rare stuff.  This kinda thing happens only once a year or so.  Like Haley's Comet. (....Learned that in skool too.)  So how 'bout we start this pajama-wearin', couch-potatin', vastly-wasteful day with some tropical tripe about NASCAR...Luckily, I'm feelin' pretty ignorant about that too.

Stacy & Carl - Gordon's surfin' a tsunami of momentum as the racin' season winds down.  Got into a little trouble last week, but still padded his lead in the points.  Jeff dukes it out with Tony for a 3rd.

Speakin' of....Remember the surfer, Duke Williams?  Remember Tongo the Ape Man?......Same dude.  Denny Scott Miller.

Reagan - Labonte's gonna be slow. 
The Mosquitoes will have a top five before Bobby this weekend.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, 10th.

Mollie - Hornaday has been postin' some better numbers on Fridays and Saturdays lately.  But come Sunday, he always seem to be headin' back to the bottom.  'Ron'way Feldman comes back with a 33rd.

Jeff & Doc - What the heck ya been doin' to Tony.  His Happy Hour rehearsals have been terrible, but the little Ham-let still comes through when it's showtime.  He asks to be, or not to be 4th.

Speakin' of....On the show, "To be or not to be" is sung to the tune of "Habanera" from Bizet's opera,
Carmen. (...Hell no, I didn't know that.  Had to look it up.  Last opera I saw was a soap.)

Paul & Kim - Remember the episode where the radioactive vegetable seeds wash up on shore and the castaways plant 'em, grow 'em, and develop superhuman powers?   Think Mark Martin's sponsor can help him out with somethin' like that?  The 6 car grabs a super-solid 5th.

Kathy - Jarrett picked up the winner's trophy when they were here this past spring.  After poppin' the wall a few week's ago, about all D.J. will pick up today is the radio broadcast.....In his fillings.  An 8th. 

Tony, Andrea & Lori -  Rusty made a home of victory circle at this track for a while.  He has perched up there 6 times at this track, but the last time was back in '96.  Hmmmm?....Episode #96 is the one about the homin' pigeon and the Winnie the Pooh guy (Sterling Holloway.)  Fate?  Numerology?...My ignorance?  Rusty flies home today.....1st....Bearly.

Ted & Granny - Rudd gilli-gunned his engine a little too hard and blew it up in Happy Hour.   Last time anyone saw Ricky, he was tryin' to stuff an XJP jet pack under his hood.  It's a bird. It's a plane...Naw, just a bird.  The Rooster ruffles some feathers and flaps to a 12th.

Uh oh.  Rain delay at Martinsville.  The weather has started getting rough.  The tiny track is wet.   If not for the squeegees of the fearless crews, the winner won't be set. 


Pam - Matt's hadda pretty uninspiring sophomore year.  The first mate and the Skipper too, will do their very best.  But if he don't start winnin', Roush's gonna have his head on a platter....Or a totem.  Kupakai-nseth spears a 14th.

Paul Parker & Deshanna - Dale, Jr. has been the mighty sailin' man, lately,  Skipperin' DEI through this rough year, and stayin' in the hunt with 3 top 5's in the last 4 races.  His three hour tour ends with a 7th, if his first mate don't wreck him.

Speakin' of....Looks like Michael Waltrip's chances at another win are about as slim as winning the South American sweepstakes.  The #15 car comes in 29th.  Too bad it's not the #G131131 car.

Roy - Atwood has been slower than a pussycat swallowtail this weekend.  I was thinkin' that someone might wanna warn him about Lord Beasley sneakin' up from behind.  But then I realized that there probably wasn't goin' to be
anyone behind Casey.  Atwood flutters by in 35th.

Sue - A lousy Charlotte for the Neigh-dude, but he's doin' what he can to rescue his season for the Hendrick team.   A second at Dover.  Some top 15's.  Will Jerry end up bein' Rick's Miss Castaway?.....Or has he just been miscast.  Nadeau good today. 9th.

Quick....Name the winner of the "Miss Castaway" contest on the show.  First one to write back with the right answer gets a good luck mojo shaken over their driver's diecast. 

Dave - It's been a loooong time since Sterling's been doin' so well this late in a season.  A year full of top tens & two wins already.....Course, those could be his evil two-wins, like the episode with Mr. Howell's imposter.  Or Ginger's....Or Gilligan's. (...It's a story line that never grows old.)  The Appal-Doppel Gang ropes a 6th.

So Marlin....Are you a fish, or a minnow.? 

Speakin' of....Did you know the S.S. Minnow was named for some FCC chairman in the '60's.  Some dude named Newton Minow......Ever hear of him?

Gilliganically yours,
Skinny Mulligan
Old Dominion 500
Television is a Vast Wasteland...
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws