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Hello Muddah...Hello Fadduh,
Here I am at...Camp Survivor.
I sure hope I...win the million,
on this little island that they named for Gill'gan...

Of course, the first to get voted off the island would be the Howells. Then, I'm bootin' Gilligan, the Skipper, and the Professor. After that, the next to go would be......uh oh......I'm gonna need a few minutes to think about this.

I'm just not gettin' into this "Survivor" thing. What's this about them eatin' a rat? And let me get this straight: They VOTE to see who stays on the island? Which Caligulan thought of that? A one million dollar popularity contest. If I was one of the women, I'd become the island slut. If I was one of the men, I'd be bi. No, as "survivors", they oughta live up to their name. Don't VOTE somebody out. Kill em'. Kill 'em and eat em. I mean, c'mon...These people are down to eatin' rats!!

You'll have to tell me which nympho swims off with the million. I'll be catchin' the survival tactics of a little more plausable a group. Nick at Nite is runnin' a Gilligan marathon. Six nights....Six episodes a night. Someone pinch me. I love that show. THOSE people knew how to survive. 39 days?....HA! Try 14 YEARS, ya rabbits! No phone, no lights, no motor car...And nobody slept with nobody. Not even the Howells. Survive that! And they didn't do it for the money either. Remember when they thought Mr. Howell was dead and each of 'em ripped up their copies of his will? My eyes got juicy. I can watch it over and over...

And Dover....Those who survived the 600 miles in Charlotte last week head to Della where they meet the Monster Mile.....(did ya go back and read it twice?) Rusty starts up front, and this track's been kind to pole sitters the last few years. Nope. Nothing can mess this one up for Rusty. Not even his new left tire changer...Some kid named 'Gil' something...

Molly - While I've no doubt you know every word to the open, can you, right this second, sing the close to Gilligan's Island?....Come on....You're driver's pick depends on this......BZZZ. ooh, I'm sorry. It was an "uphill" climb......Rick Mast starts 28th and takes a downhill ride to 32nd.

Ted - Ginger Grant?....or Eva Grubb? HA! Trick question. Eva was Ginger's evil librarian Doppelganger. You just cost Jeff Gordon a win.....Then again, doppelgangin' Ginger ought to be worth somethin'.....Gordon finshes 8th.

Paul - While they were no Metallica or Pantera, can ya name the 'rockers' who came to the island for some peace and quiet?....Mark Martin's sponsorship hinges on this, dude.....BZZZZ. Tsk Tsk... The Mosquitoes. Martin finishes 5th this afternoon, and loses Valvoline next year.

Lori - I know how you like to cook. Have you ever made a coconut cream pie? Just wonderin'. Anyway, your question is; What kind of pie did Mary Ann always make? THAT'S CORRECT!. And who's your driver? Well, it looks like Rusty gets to finish first.

What?....WHAT?

Doc - Alright, when they finally got rescued from the island, how did they get the attention of the Coast Guard chopper?...C'mon....Think Geoff Bodine at Daytona.....BZZZZ. I'm sorry. I know you said fire, but we were looking for an "Oh my God, you coulda killed us all" fire...Tony Stewart finishes this three hour tour in 6th. Bodine finishes the whole race this time...in 18th.

Stacy - Professor or the Skipper? BZZZ. Too bad. The correct answer was Gilligan. And don't try denyin' it. Ya married Jeff, didn't ya? Obviously, you have a preference for the 'Gilligan' type. Gordon's still stranded at 8th.

Tony - While I may be wise to the casta-ways, there is only one chosen master. Are you ready, Master Po?.....How many castaways were on the SS Minnow?..........Take your time...........That's right, use your fingers...............Think...........Seven! That's right!!! Rusty wins AND gets most laps led points.

Dave - While Gilligan has caught everything from crates of radioactive seeds to a submarine outta the lagoon, what's the biggest fish he's ever landed?.....(snicker snicker).....BZZZ. A Marlin. Get it! Marlin....Test...Is this mike on?.....Bet ya ten he see's a....Oh yeah. Did that one already. Hey man, the jokes are no lamer than Sterling this year. Outside of Talladega, Marlin' has sucked...Badly....He has Tennesucked....And in a most boring way. All I got for ya are bad puns and fightin' words.....So, put 'em up. Sterling reels in a 22nd.

Kim - Wow. Bummer for you, Kim. After that little stare down with Dave, you gotta know your's is not going to be the easiest of queries?....Hmmm. Who starred as the....BZZZ-I'm sorry, it was Vito Scotti. Mark Martin will not only finish this race behind Rusty, next year he'll be drivin' the Viagra colors. The 'sex' car comes in 5th....If it comes anywhere.

Jeff - Let's see. One question is supposed to cover three drivers. You have only your greed to blame. Mrs. Howell's maiden name?.....tick tick......Gordon in 8th......Stewart 6th.....Park 14th......tick tick......BZZZ. Lovey Wentworth. Right on the tip of your tongue, wasn't it? Pity. That'll teach ya. Nobody's supposed to have three drivers....It's not fair.

Okay. Now for my three guys. Rusty's a given. Coupla tough questions answered by Lori & Tony took care of that. Michael & Ward don't stand a chance here, but hey, I'll do what I can. I need Waltrip to finish 21st and Ward to wreck and finish 29th.....So what's a good question?...With an easy answer?.........Ah!

Ginger, of course.