|"Just what is Oscar doin? Every trophy I've gotten had a little plastic boy either swingin' a bat (and,
quite appropriately, at a ball that isn't there) or a halfback doin' the...."
Ya know, I could save myself a lot of time and keystrokin', and just forward that same ol' predictagram
from last year: I still don't understand Oscar's posture....I haven't seen a one of these Best Pic nominees either.....There's nary a car flick in the lot.....And, of course, Rusty will once again rule at Bristol this year.
See ya next week.
...........You're right. That was no fun. Besides, there's a whole new crop of crappy movies that have come outta Burbank in the last year. And a whole new pack of perky Dodges comin' to the high banks this year. Plenty to talk about. And hell, it's been a pretty happenin' week outside of NASCAR & OSCAR das boot.....er, TO boot.
Mollie - So who ya thinkin', my Rex Reedian pal? Who wins what? Erin go Bragh-ovich gonna be lucky enough to win an Oscar for Julia this year? As far as this Academy Awards stuff is concerned, Mollie is the guru. She's the movie buff with her finger on the pulse of America....Whoa, Mollie. That's not what I meant by 'buff.' And that's not 'America'. But keep it up and you'll get a pulse, alright.....Thank you, Thank you. Hope I didn't Chocolat of you with the racy humor.......(Oh God, someone gong me soon.)
Did ya hear about the tragic accident while they were settin' up the media's scaffolding for the awards show? It came crashing down onto the red carpet this past Thursday. Tragedy is, the media wasn't on it yet.....Hey look. I think I see Jaye P. Morgan.
Ron Hornaday gets stuck in Traffic and finishes 31st.
Dave - Ya happy now? Instead of being The Contender, my Wildcats got Cast Away from the dance this past week. They lost to them So Cal-led Trojans and are headin' back home to the hills, Billy. And now, with the Rebels (Ole) Missin' their big chance, there ain't a single team left from our conference. I guess that makes Kentucky the St. Champses of SEC.......(GONNNNNGGGGG!) I'm bettin' SC ain't gonna have the True Grit it takes to get past Duke anyway.......
Speakin' of grits, Marlin has been in perfect hominy with that new Dodge o' his. The big fish finishes big. 3rd.
Yeah Dave, that's what I'm "bet-tenn"....
Pam - Gotta freaky, Twilight Zonable for ya. Your University of Wish-consin has been badgerin' its cager coaches for the past few months and a lotta names are out there.....Now, follow me. Interim coach Brad Soderberg was just informed this past week that his job was now "out-erim." Dick Bennett was the burnout, I mean coach before Brad......STEVEN Soderbergh directed that Erin Wonder Bra-ckovich movie, while Milwaukee's own RICHARD Bennett directed Harper Valley PTA. (Not quite the same caliber of movie, but close enough, when it comes to cup sizes.) And if Rick Pitino hadn't gone to the Louisvi....Louisviviviv....the other Kentucky team, we coulda been talkin' badgerball all Dog Day Afternoon. Wait, that was Pacino.....Uh, Texas Tech took Bobby Knight. Caddyshack took Ted Knight.....Ron Majerus. Lee Majors....Still with me? Hope not.......cuz...I'm lost.
Oh yeah, Matt Kenseth won the Cheez-It 250 (...eh, figures.) at Bristol on Saturday, but it's an 11th for the Wisconseth #17 on Sunday....Make sense now?
Doc - Judge Smails is in Sawgrass this weekend. And so is Tiger....Tryin' to earn a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. (.....Take out TPC.) Mr. Woods took Arnie's money last week, but it wasn't pretty. Had to line an awful lotta long putts up. (You can see it comin, can't ya?) Squattin' down, checkin' the lay of the green. Holdin' that putter up. (Say it with me...) Crouching Tiger....Hidden...Dragon....and scorin' his first win of the year.......(Hey, it was that, or some lame reference to that cat that Russell Crowe was tryin' to get away from....And no, I don't mean Meg Ryan.)
Actually I've been waitin' to use that little 'Crouching' line for weeks now. And then, Damn Patrick goes and uses his ESP 'n steals it from me for Sportscenter the other night....I'm not so glad he said it first, but I'll live...Truth told, I've also been wantin' to do unspeakable things with Meg Ryan for quite a long time too. Sure enough, Russell Crowe comes along and steals THAT from me too.....Again, I'm not so Gladiator first, but I'll live.
Tony Stews in 16th.
Yeah Dave, that's what I'm bet-...tenn....Dave?
Kim - "The Viagra Car Finally Gets a Pole!"....If that header is not found on every sports page in the country, then we truly have become a dull and flacid society, deserving of this Bear Market recession that we're slowly shrinkin' into......LIKE A LIMP PENIS! Are we THAT scared of the words....Penis, penis, penis. Sex, sex, sex. Erectile Dysfu-.....(Okay, well, yeah...There are SOME words we're 'fraid of.) Mark catches a lucky track-coolin' cloud in qualifying and blows around this little concrete canyon almost a mile per hour faster than anyone else....Anyone without a big penis, that is! Why is everybody so uptight about this, anyway. No one wants to wear the Viagra shirts or the hats or the bumper stickers. It's time to stop bein' so verbally delicate about Marketing Martin and his sponsor. Grow up. They're just words. Play with 'em....("Grow up"...Get it, Beavis? Viagra...Grow UP....Uh-hhhhuh-huh. Uh-hhhhhuh-huh-huh.)
And hey, isn't this Chocolat movie basically the same thing: Swallow some...Get a pole. Mark gets Best Supporting Erector with a 2nd place finish.
Lori - Big news of the week in the Dullest Cowboy's camp is that they Lett Leon sign hisself a contract with the Broncos. Can ya believe it? How could they let such an ass-et go? He was so good with fumble recoveries. Just ask Don Beebe....Or the Dolphins (who beat 'em when Leon lummoxed another bad call.) And Lett has been such an inspiration to the kids and the D.A.R.E. program too. Them Cowboys must be Nuts. He was their Rain Man, Forrest Gump, and Cuckoo's Nest, all wrapped up in one, big, 300 pound Titanic frame.....with lotsa flotsam.
Just be glad Rusty's never made any bone-headed calls before. Wallace threepeats with yet another Punch Bowl win.
Jeff - Shreveport's own James Burton got introducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame earlier this week. Granted, not the biggest of the names to go in that day. Matter of fact, he slipped in under the "Side Man" category. Guess bein' Almost Famous sometimes does count for somethin'. In other MTV news, Sean Puffy Comb Daddy J-Lo Mac Whatever got off easy and won't be Shawshankin' this time.
Tone Puffy Cheeks Stewart wraps his Pontiac around a 16th.
Paul Parker - Have ya found your destiny, Paul? Have ya discovered the path to true happiness and salvation?.... Do ya have cable? The 700 Club asked Dale Earnhardt, Jr. if he'd mind answerin' a couple of lightweight questions about the Motor Racing Outreach program; NASCAR's travellin' church, if you will. Dale and his team agreed and were then bombarded with a buncha Dead Daddy questions and "Can ya sign this for me, Dale?" requests. And then CBN pimps it all Thursday long..."Tonight at 8. In a revealing interview, Dale, Jr. tells how the death of his father has changed him completely, and how he plans to lead his life so that one day he can be with his father again.".......God love 'em all. And then do me a favor, God; Strike 'em all dead. While Jr. Dances with Wolves and remains polite about it, personally, I think they've crossed The Thin Red Line of integrity......Yeah, like this Pulp I'm Fictionatin' is somehow above all that.
In the Name of the Father, Jr. finishes a respectable 10th.
Yeah Dave, that's what I'm bet-tenn....Someone slap Dave!
Paul Blank - "Houston, we have a problem." I've yet to hear anything about that 'Yo Mir-a Taco Bell' deal. Did it hit the target? The Mir come a-blazin' back to Earth this week like some sort of Russian RacePinto. Coupla sunken globs of molten steelski are all that Remains of the Day when Russia ruled the zero-G jalopy biz. The Space Cowboys over in Moscow somehow managed to keep that 15 year old 'Kaputnik' in orbit since way back when Woody was sleepin' with Hannah and Her Sisters...And daughters.
Speakin' of Woody, the Viagra car lifts Mark to a 2nd.
Stacy - Buzz around Washington this week has been Dubya's brilliant handlin' of the Russian expulsions. Anyone else reminded of those little Mad Magazine, black & white, SPY vs. SPY comics. Dubya plants a bug. Vladimir plants a bug...Dubya sees him and kicks out all his diplomats. Vlad kicks out all of Dub's..........Hang on a sec. Don't those comic strips always end with some sort of mushroom cloud?
Jeff Gordon knows all of Bristol's Secrets & Lies, and starts 15th......Annie Halls ass to a 4th.
Ted - The Fantasy Yahoo's have cranked up. 'The Little Red Machine' is loaded with A Few Good Men, and ready to hit the cyber-diamonds. But I've yet to see your name in any of the leagues I've joined and plan to dominate....What was that name again? Ted Madden? Ted Giannoulas?.....What's wrong, Dude. Ya chicken?
Bristol was Steve Park's Field of Dreams last year, with a pole and two top 10 finishes. But that's ancient history.....A Jurassic 18th today.
Tony - Have ya been followin' this Foot and Mouth story, Bud? Do you realize they've slaughtered almost as much livestock as Cecil B. did in Ben Hur? While the rest of ya'll may not be losin' sleep over this, Tony and I sure are.....Ever since we found out it affected SHEEP too. Right, Tony? Tell 'em. Come on out of the stable with me and tell 'em bout our Silence of the Lambs. We've been baaaaaad. Stop denyin' my brother. I got the Sex, Lies, and Videotape to prove it.
Rusty's more the Foot IN Mouth type, but still rams a 1st just for ewe, Tony.
"C'mon, fly big D!"... Every time I see the file footage of that submarine breechin' the surface like some Robo-Porpoise, I'm reminded of Michael finally breakin' through and winnin' one in Big D (Daytona).....FOR Big D (Dale). And then I see his numbers since. And I'm reminded that somewhere in this equation is a sinkin' ship and dead folks too. Michael, you should take your one win, and U-571 losses, and......uh.....think about winnin' another. Michael's hunt for a better October in the standings has to start with a few more wins in March and April. 20th today.
Hey, I just noticed something. There's a movie up for best direction called Billy Elliott.....Wonder if it's awesome?....Wonder if it made a million dollars in one day?....Wonder if it needs subtitles too?
Poor Mollie. She does so hate it when these notes get long....And stray from their racin' roots. Aw, C'mon Mollie. It's the Oscars. Don't be such a grouch.
Your Raging Bullshit artist,
|Food City 500
Oh, I Wish I Were An NASCAR Minded Weiner...