Just what is Oscar doin?   Every trophy I've gotten had a little plastic boy either swingin' a bat (and, quite appropriately, at a ball that isn't there) or a halfback doin' the 'Heisman'   I played defense, but so what...He was DOIN' something.  What the hell is Oscar doin'?  Meditatin'?...Prayin'?...For what?  To win?  He should be reading a script or wieldin' that sword.  Put him in a cloak, holdin' a skull.  That gold plated little phallus needs to be strikin' some sort of pose.

Are ya gonna watch 'em after the race?  Anybody seen all five pictures?  Anyone care to venture a prediction?  I've not seen a one of 'em.  That's not to say I don't appreciate a good movie.  I simply prefer a different genre....The kind of genre that includes a car and Burt Reynolds.  
Stroker Ace coulda been my generation's Citizen Kane had it not been for a bad story, bad acting, and most of all, a bad title.  To get a NASCAR movie by the Academy,  ya gotta start with a Oscar worthy title. 

(whew....Took a while but we got here.)  A title like.......     

The Full Labonte - Couple of Texas brothers head to the east coast and drive naked.

Skindler's List - Mike Skinner hides juice in his car.  He keeps track of who he's wrecked while drinkin' it.

Braveheart - Starring anyone startin' on the same row as Jimmy Spencer.

Saving Private Gordon - An entire race team is wiped out leaving only the prima donna driver.  The opening 20 minute graphic depiction of D-Daytona was enough to make ya sick.

The English Patient - Starring Braveheart. 

The Beer Hunter - Rusty has flashbacks of the victories in the Genuine Draft car.  Searching for yet another Miller logo to paint on the hood, he shakes up a Meister Brau and pops the top by his ear.

Around the Track in 80 Days - starring Darrell Waltrip and his #66 Ford Tortoise.

Unforgiven - Mark Martin as a man bent on revenge after a Daytona double-cross.

One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest - Old home movies of Sterling Marlin driving his Dad's car....."Medication Time..."

Driving Miss AJ - Starring any damn fool dumb enough to step in and crank the Foyt car.

Chariots on Fire - Geoff Bodine, still a little gun-shy about gettin' behind the wheel again, runs the entire Coca Cola 600 on foot.

Pshaw...Who am I kiddin'?  If
Days of Thunder couldn't snag one, no NASCAR movie ever will.
And so I must defer to some other grand mystic to predict the Oscars.  After last week's "Told ya", I've decided to constipate all my efforts on soothsaying the stocks car circuit...

Startin' with....

Sterling - Stick with the Vols this weekend, Dave.  Of course, ya bolt on a restrictor plate and Sterling could just win this thing.....Otherwise, he'll accidently have an accident with 140 to go.  Finishes 28th

Gordon - This is JeffGordon.com's best and LAST chance to prove that Ray Superham wasn't the team.  A while back, Gordon won every race here for about a 9 year stretch....If he can't finish in the top 5, I'LL be driving the 24 car at Texas............

Martin - I can't remember.....Hey Kim, where did Mark finish in this race last year?.....Oh yeah, 2nd.  Right behind Rusty......Well, Sun-deja Vu, Dionne Warwick.   He's 2nd again, right behind Rusty.

Power Team 60 car - Who's in the rent-a-car this week, Doc.  Is it still Musgrave subbin' for Geoffro?  All in the Family comin' soon.  I have spoken.......Musgrave brings her in 23rd.

Martin - ....Hey Paul, where did Mark finish in this race last year?.....Oh yeah, 2nd.  Right behind Rusty......Sun-deja Vu, Dionne Wa.........ooh. That was freaky.

Foyt's car - Boss Hogg has tricked Uncle Jesse into climbin' through the 14 car window again.  Dick Trickle (.....snicker) sits in AJ's car for a second week.   In honor of it, Mollie just purchased a new Old-mansbile Alero with "Copenhagen" painted 'cross the hood.  Don't expect anything higher than a 20th from Trickle..... 

Ward Burton - Last anyone's seen of Ward, he'd stolen 3 cases of champagne, stuck his tongue out at his brother, and headed for Vuhginyuh.   If he makes it back, he'll bulldoze his way up to 9th.
.
Michael Waltrip - (sigh)........3rd.........-ty first.

Rusty - It's a given. A lock.  Rusty by 3 car lengths.  Unless of course, someone's to blame for his not winning.

And I can guarantee you, the little plastic guy on top is gonna be waving a flag or driving a car or shaking a champagne bottle over the crowd.  Wine, of course, in Rusty's case.  But my point is.....

What is my point?

Claire Voyant
Food City 500 - Bristol
The Bristol House Rules...
2000 Season
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

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