2000Bristol500

.......ddddddddddd...........dddddddd....."Hello?"

"Hello, Jim?. This is Annette from Psychic Friends. How are you today?"

".....Annette?.....Annette?......?"

"We talked a few months ago....On the phone..."

"......I'm gonna need to go 50/50, Reeg."

"Psychic Friends???........"

"Annette....uhhhh-nette.....Did you used to have big ears and sing?"

"Wait....Make that SHEILA!...This is Sheila."

"SHEILA!!!! Right!. I called ya 'bout my gift. You said I wassss....deluged with psychic episodes.....Somethin' like that."

"That was 'delusional episodes of psychoses'."

"Yeahyeahyeah, I 'member. Wow! I can't believe this. I just knew you were gonna call. I could feel it. Started with a dry mouth. Is that normal? Do all of you get that? Then, this icy chill started at my hand and shot up through my arm to-"

"Jim. You were probably thirsty and getting some ice out of the freezer."

".......(gasp!)....Sheila! You truly are the Master. Teach me your ways."

"No time. Listen Jim. We've a problem. Dionne Warwicke got a hunch about this Survivor thing and bet the Psychic Farm on Rudy. And now we've got until Monday to give up the pink slip, or cha-ching enough loose change to cover the bet. It's the Lottery or you, Jim. And as reputable gypsies, we won't gaze into a ping pong ball. So we're stuc-.....We're relying on you."

(What the hell. The odds are about the same)

"........Sheila?"

"Yes."

"What's with that parentheses thing?"

"That was me covering the phone with my hand. So you wouldn't hear me."

".....But I could read it."

(Oh...Well, forget about that.) "We've been keeping up with you and watching you Tarot-rize these races. While we know all about cheating husbands and expectant mothers, we're clueless with regards to racing. And since you are too....(ahem!)...And since you are too experienced at this, we want to use your 'gift' to help us buy back the business....And maybe make an extra buck or two for our troubles."

"Wait. I thought it was only to be used it for good."

"'Greed is Good!'...Gordon Gekko."

"...um....uh.......'Weis'...Louie the Lizard."

"This isn't a game, Jim. I've got 62 telephones and a translucent bowling ball riding on this race."

"Hey! Relax, Frankie. Go to Hollywood and tell your gang to stop worryin'. Tell 'em their newest Psychotic Friend won't let 'em down."

"Whoa there, my mystic mercenary. I never said anything about employment!"

"Oh.....Well, ya think I could getta 8-track dub of Dionne's 'Days Aview' song?"

"That's 'Deja Vu' Jim."

"Coooool!. So you're feelin' it too."

".....(sigh).....Alright, let's get going. You concentrate on the race. I'll shuffle the tarot cards."

"Anything wild?"

"Concentrate, Jim. This tele-vibing is tricky.....Ready?"

"...hawwmmm.....haawwwwmm........Klaatu Barada Nikto!.....Klaatu Barada Nikto!....Okay, I'm ready."

(Does he ever put that TV remote down?)

"I read that!"

"First Card.....The Fool...."

"Michael Waltrip. The boy can win, lose, or stall, and still be funny.....Did I say 'win'? 450 straight races without a victory lap....This week, the Fool and his Funny are soon carted off the track. Wrecks on lap 154. Behind the wall for 16 laps and ends up 36th.

"O...kay...Next is.....Death."

"Pfft.. That's just Geoff Bodine. Ever since his Crashman truck wreck at Daytona, Geoffro's shadow has been shaped like a scythe. And ever since his wreck, he's chased it. The boy still ain't quite back to normal. Got 'dizzy' in practice and let Brother Tawwwd qualify. Whoever's drivin' tonight will wreck by lap 328 and wish he'd let his brother drive. A Bodine finishes 31st.

"You might be concentrating a little TOO hard, Jim. Even WE wouldn't get that specific. Lap 154?...Lap 328?....We'll tell a girl she's pregnant, but we don't guess the weight.   What makes you so sure?"

"Well, without getting specific' it's a hunch....times tire pressure plus pi r squared."

......(?)

"Question?"

"...huh? no, uh...Let's see. Justice?"

"Easy. Tony Stewart. Somewhere on that high banked hippodrome is the 24 car.   And the 25 car, 26 car...27, 28....Hell, pick a number. Tony finds out that justice hurts. And Tony gets his just desserts with a 24th."

"The Chariot...."

"Rick Mast. Last time that AJ brought his "chariot" to Bristol, it Trickled in 27th. Mast takes the reins and qualifies 70th....Ben Hur - Done that.....27th."

"The Wheel of Fortune...."

"Gotta be Jerry Nadeau. Highest vowel to consonant ratio in Winston Cup....He's been solvin' these puzzles lately and gettin' some decent finishes. A free spin mid race and J~rry N~d~~ f~n~sh~s 15th.

"The Sun..."

"Dale Earnhardt, Jr."

"Because he's Dale's-"

"Son...Exactly. (You should try this.) That, and Junior is one of-.....(Hey! Can you read this, Sheila?).....That, and Junior is one of the sport's risin' young stars......Yuck. I liked the offspring idea better. The Son sets in 23rd." (Nanner-Nanner-Naaaanner........Cool.)

"Temperance..."

"Mark Martin. Who else? Incidents and accidents, but no hints of allegations. He never gets mad. And every week, Lucy keeps pulling the football away. Charlie Brown gets a rock. 9th."

"The Devil..."

"No question. Sterling Marlin.   I just got back from drivin' through his home state. And with the exception of Bristol (and a 'wet' little county just south of Murray, Kentucky) it was Hell. A top ten he seen at the last race here. This time, Beelzebubba settles for an 18th."

"The Star..."

"Steve Park. Because he's one of the sport's risin' young s-......Because a Star is like the Sun, and they both drive for-.....Because he-.....Gimme a second. My 8-Ball is lockin' up.......Ah, Here we go. Because he finally got his chance to shine with the Glen win.............Let me reboot this thing. No champagne for the supernova at Bristol. 14th."

"Judgement..."

"Jeff Gordon rides the Pale Horse into this bullring. And Hell will follow with him. I'm hopin' Captain Clean-cut keeps his promise and shows no mercy on Tony. This is the place to do it. Gordo's armed with a Monte Carlo and no chance at the title. Tony can't hide. Jeff'll bring his flat nosed Chevy across 6th.

"Strength..."

Stacy Compton. Broke his collarbone this past week but still qualifies in the first round. Now, he'll contort himself into the #9 car and try to bang out 500 laps....Or at least till the first yellow. Bobby Hillin's got two fresh clavicles waitin' in relief.   Rolls in a 'Melling'choly 33rd.

"The Tower..."

Ward Burton.....Just to hear him call himself that. Ward started this season sittin' near the top of the points 'tao-wuh' but has dropped a few stories over the past couple months. 'Eiffel' awful for him." He'll climb to a 12th.

"The Magician..."

"Must you ask?...Got more tricks under the hood than up his sleeve. And the Rustidigitator pulls yet another one out of his hat this week wearin' those Harley flames.   Rusty hogs up victory lane again."

"So, Rusty to win, eh? Car number-tire pressure-squared?"

"Even better. What do they call it? Synchroness?...Synchronology?....Cinco de Mayo?...When ya do the same thing at the same time?....While listenin' to Sting?.....On the 5th of May?"

"Synchronicity."

"That's it! See, there's a place that rents Harleys here. And I'll be spendin' Saturday ridin' a Fat Boy."

"That's really none of my business, Jim."

"Ya sure? I'm takin' pictures..."

"Look. I've dealt all the cards here. Let me scribble-...(Mayfield to win)...-a few notes- (Labonte.....Skinner...) -and we can-...(Schrader....) -wrap this thing-....(Jarrett)...-up."

"Can't turn that off, can ya?...."

"You've been a great help, Jim. Thanks a lot. We'll be in touch."

"But you got my picks wron-"

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

"....'Reputable gypsies'....HA!"

(I read that!)