2000Texas500post

......(dddddddd)...........(dddddddd)......"Hello. Psychic Friends Network. What would you like to know today?"

"Hey, it's me. Listen, patch me through to your ESP overseer....That lady from the commercial...or Dionne...Whoever gives out the jobs."

"I'm sorry. With whom am I speaking?"

"With whom?...What do ya mean 'with whom?'...Do your job! It's me...Jim...Jim Nelson. With whom am I talking? WAIT! I can do this.....Cynthia. NO! SAMANTHA! Yeah, that's it. Samantha, please transfer me to your chief master psychic in charge of hiring. I got me a GIFT!"

"I'll put you through to our personnel dept., Mr. Nelson......And it's Joanne."

...(ddddddddd)........(dddd-)"Mega-Shams Inc., Personnel. This is Barbara. 'Mystics' or 'Miracle Cleaners'?"

"Mystics, please Barbara...and Happy Birthday."

".......(sigh)..."

...(ddddddd)....(ddddd-)"Hello, Jim. Way to pick 'em. We've been waing for your call."

(Now this is a little more like it...) "Uh...Thanks. What do I do nowwww Shhhheila? Is it Sheila?"

"It's Annette. But don't worry about it."

"YES! ANNETTE! I was gonna say 'Annette', but this cordless phone has all kindsa interference and by the time I could hear your voi-"

"You're a Rusty Wallace fan, aren't you?"

"Whatcha mean?"

"Never mind. As I said, Jim, we've been expecting your call. For weeks now, we've been reading your pre-race postings. We figured that you'd call looking for a job and we knew we needed to defen...prepare ourselves. So we've been trying to define your unique talent This is what we've come up with...'Delusional Rhetoric with a Flash of Serendipity'."

"Coooooooool! Think I was born with it?"

".....The first part?...Oh yeah, definitely. We're still trying to sort out the serendipity. Anyway, until then, we're gonna keep an eye on you. You keep slugging away out there. Keep trying. Keep predicting. And keep this corporation's name and/or trademarks off of anything you send."

"This 'deluge of dippity do' thing...How long does it last? Can I turn it on & off? Is it only to be used for Good?..."

"We'll call you, Jim."

"Am I gonna die like John Travolta in that Phnom Penh movie?..."

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Alrighty....To steal a line from Bill Murray, "I got THAT goin' for me." Yeah, shouldn't be too long at all. Goodbye television....Hellooooo telephone. 1-900: It's the future, my friends. Ya heard it here. And you can say you heard it from a 'de-fined' psychic.

Three weeks in a row with a 'bingo'. Ward at Darlington. Rusty at Bristol. And though he didn't win, I did nail Rusty's 4th place finish. Ya'll really should be payin' me for this. At least until Miss Warwick calls....

Little E's race. Strongest car all day. Plenty of wrecks and leaders to make it interesting, but Junior had the car to beat. Them Labonte boys both finished in the top ten yet again. Lotsa two-tire, four-tire, or no-tire pit stops to chose from. At one point, Kevin LePage and Chad Little found themselves a mile and a half in front of everyone, and that was a disadvantage. CBS broke out that lame little Frito animation. Just about every rookie made the race. Just about every rookie ate the wall. And Ned Jarrett is on a Wheaties box......Weird day.

Tony & Lori - The 2 car was strong early. Fell back with a bad pit stop....Yep. Crew's fault. Still climbed back to 4th.....Like "I told ya."

Doc - I didn't predict Stewart this week. Not sure if you're still a fan of the Gibbs boys. Went down a lap early but got it back and strolled in 9th. Now what's this about the BeeGees tryin' on Tauruses in a coupla weeks? Geoff Bodine made his first appearance at a race since doin' that "Built Ford Tough" commercial in Daytona. Says he should be back by California. Oh, and your Dick Trickle problem is gettin' worse. I said 18th. He limped in 28th. Try some penicillin.

Kim & Paul - I lied about Martin winning this one. A pity-prediction at best. Time to dump him. The boy's a loser. Didn't even get any leader points. And EVERYBODY got leader points in this one. I said first...I meant first car outside the top ten.

Ward Burton crashed his first car practicin' Friday, but still qualified 9th in his grocery-getter. Tried a no-tire pit stop for track position but never got to the front. I said 5th. Ward said 14th.

Mollie - Rick Mast took a spin through the infield and finished a few laps down. But he got his AND AJ's best finish of the year with a 20th. Don't ya know Foyt's throwin a party. Don't ya know he's dancin' on top of that green 14 car. Don't ya know he probably still slapped somebody outta habit.

Ted & Jeff & Stace - If Gordon hadn't have decided to do a Texas two-step with Bill Elliott, he might have changed his luck at this track. That cheek-to-cheek pushed him back to 25th.

Michael Waltrip started puffing smoke like a locomotive with 50 to go. Drug her in 29th. Just shy of my 13th place pick.

Dave - Sterling wasn't quite so sterling this week. Spun into the wet grass and got stuck. "ROCK IT! YA GOTTA ROCK IT!!!" Finally got back to his pits, threw on some mud & snow radials, and clawed his way around to a 34th.

Now it's off to Martinsville. A track no bigger than a Burger King parkin' lot. And it looks like the Miller Lite car is the first in line at the drive-through....

Oops. Gotta go. Phone's ringin'....It's Sheila. I just know it is.