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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1 “Do you know where Dawson is?” Joey asked Todd loudly as the music blared around them. “He's in the set room!” Todd shouted back with his rich British accent. “THANKS!” Joey shouted and walked away. Making her way through the dancing people and blazing lights, she found a hallway with doors. She opened the first one on the left. “ Dawson ,” she said, opening the door, only to see his face separate from another girl's and look startled at her while the girl's face below him was pretty similar. “Oh excuse me,” she said, shutting the door quickly. Her hand stayed on the handle for a minute, her body flushed and breaking out in a cold sweat in a matter of two seconds. She knew she had to run. Racing down the set's hallway and through the crowds of dancing goblins and Scream's bad guy imitators, she made it outside and ran through the cool air towards the railing and stopped there, out of breath. Cursing herself again and again for being so stupid she screamed when a hand came over her shoulder. Flinging herself around to face him, she hit him across the side of the face. “Don't ever touch me again,” she hissed. “Joey wait-“ “Do not even…fix your mouth to lie to me again.” She shook her head at him. “I don't care, I don't want to know.” She began to walk off and he followed quickly behind her. “You have to at least let me tell you-“ “Tell me what? That what I walked in on wasn't what it looked like? That you're sorry but you fell back in love with the girl you were with when you slept with me? To tell me that you still care about me and never meant to hurt me?” “Go to hell,” she said, trying to pull her arm free but he didn't let go. “It's not that big of a deal Dawson, I mean why should it be, right? You and I slept together once, in a moment of weakness and some perverted form of passion. And at the time it meant something because it brought back memories of when we were kids and in love but you and I are over. You just didn't know how to tell me that.” “Stop putting words in my mouth, and you should not be telling me what it feels like to walk in on something that makes your flesh crawl because the person you loved more than life is now in someone else's arms.” She gave a confused frown. “What are you talking about?” “The fact that you fell in love with my best friend, Joey, that is a helluva lot worse than anything you are feeling now.” She narrowed her eyes into slits. “Oh fuck you Dawson! At least I told you!” “He was my best friend! Couldn't you have picked anyone else?” “Stop turning this back into something it isn't. You didn't tell me you were with someone else!” “I was going to-“ “REALLY?!?! Why don't I believe that Dawson ? Do you know how hard it was to come inside your bedroom and see you watching the movie we saw on our first date and telling me all that crap about how it turned out telling me innocently that my relationship with Pacey would end up only destroying three people's lives?” “And then you got scared and dashed out like-“ “Who are you to be talking to me about anything? You already knew we were together, was that just some sick form of pleasure you got by torturing me just a little bit more each proceeding second making it harder and harder for me to be honest with you? Tell me something, Dawson , was that fun for you? That crap you pulled? How long did you know and just watch me suffer trying to tell you that-“ “That what? That you'd fallen out of love with me and in love with my best friend? A guy you hated? Did you really love me or was it a childhood crush that was fulfilled and over with the minute I reciprocated and feelings?” She couldn't believe he'd say that. “Oh you go to hell! You know I loved you! I loved you my whole life, I never loved anyone but you!” “Oh really? So Pacey was what to you?” She couldn't deny she had loved Pacey, but never the way she'd loved Dawson . And here she was with him, shouting with him at the top of her lungs in a parking lot. “I don't know, who is this girl to you that you've just abandoned once again to chase me and tell me God knows what! How dare you do that to her! Stop in mid-screw to go chase your poor lifelong friend who followed you around like a pathetic IDIOT praying someday you'd love her back! Go back Dawson and fix it with her because guess what, you can't fix it with me. You have to choose like most of us do, kinda the words you told me when you found out about Pacey. You told me I had to choose between the two of you but the only difference between that and what I'm now asking of you is that you were going to shut off your whole relationship with me, whereas I'm asking you to pick which one of us you want!” He grabbed her other arm and yanked her against him. They were both breathing heavily from anger and the need of oxygen since they were shouting at each other. She tried to wiggle herself free. “You know what, you don't have to choose, because I won't take you! I deserve better. I deserve the truth and if I'm gonna have your love, I would have all of it but I can't so go back to her and pray she'll take you back! You shouldn't have run after me.” She continued trying to pull herself free, tears threatening her. God she loved him so much and she hated him for it as much as she hated herself. “Joey, stop!” he said, trying to get a firm grasp on her. “No! Let me go!” she shouted, then gave up for a minute and couldn't refuse him physically any longer. “All right!” she shouted so he'd stop grabbing for her. She took a deep breath and then her cold eyes looked up into his. “I hate you, Dawson,” she said, her tears falling. “I hate you…so much it hurts. Every breath I take is painful, those…tiny little knives jabbing into me every time I think of you and what might've been and what I should've done and I find myself wondering why I'm still breathing.” Tears gathered in his eyes as he felt her pain. He forced himself to absorb it, he only wished he could take it from her. He cupped her face with one hand, and she flinched as if he'd just thrown fire over her. As if his touch physically hurt her. “Don't you know all I needed was for you to tell me it was me and not her?” “I did!” he said desperately. “Regardless of what you just saw it was you and not her. I broke up with her that morning and I never wanted to leave you again.” Joey shook her head. “I don't believe that. I can't, Dawson . Just tell me why you slept with me. And not what you think I want to hear, but the truth.” She watched his eyes wash over with fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing. She could still read him and she knew he could still read her. She didn't want him to say something romantic or beautiful, she wanted the ugly truth. “Come on, Dawson , just say it. You were just talking about Pacey, so you slept with me to even the score, didn't you? I mean, what were you gonna do, sleep with me and then call him up to compare notes?” “No!” “Really?” Joey shot back. “Then tell me why! I wanna hear you say the words, the truth, that you slept with me because it was easy and I was available and you didn't want another night to go by without having had me so this tension that's been between us could be over.” “No, Joey that's not it-“ “Then tell me why.” “Because I c-care about you,” he managed to say, though his mind was flooding with thoughts and his heart pounding from fear. “You care about me?” she asked incredulously. “No, that's not why you slept with me, that's why you bought me a birthday present and that's why when I cried the day my mother died you held me. Just tell me the truth, I just wanna hear you say it, it's not like you didn't make yourself perfectly clear by coming back here and screwing her all over again-” “What do you want me to say, that I'm sorry?” “NO! I want you to look me in the eye and tell me, why are you acting like this is a hard question-“ “Because it is!” “No it's not!” she said, finding herself in his hands again as she tried to jerk herself free. “Because I love you!” he screamed at her before he processed that line in his own mind. She stopped struggling then, froze like ice. Terror flashed over her eyes for a second, but if Dawson expected her to argue with him or burst into tears, he was shocked when she just laughed. “Are you insane? Is this what you call love?” she asked, her eyes widened and pleading for an answer. “You just leaving like that—I tried so hard to let it go and to just believe that you were just using typical male logic, which is thinking not telling me you had a girlfriend but immediately breaking up with her was fine. If…you had just given me a little more.” “What more did you want?” he asked. She closed her eyes and held her breath to keep from crying. His hands held her waist and pulled her gently against him. Their foreheads touched and he raised his hand to cup her face. Her pain kept her from pushing him away and before she could process what was happening, their lips were touching. Gently, barely brushing against each other. Swallowing a sob she pulled back. “No,” she said. “I won't do it to her. It's you I'm mad at, she owed me nothing. And I won't do this to her. I won't let you degrade her by kissing me.” She turned and ran from his sight. He knew at that moment he had to do what she demanded and get his act together and figure out what it was he wanted.
Chapter 2 “Joey?” She spun around to see Gale Leery. She gave her best smile. “Hi Mrs. Leery.” Gale made her way towards Joey with her arms open. Joey willingly walked into them. She'd always felt safe with Gale. “How you been honey?” Gale said, pulling back to look at Joey. “You look beautiful,” she said, running her fingers through Joey's hair. “Thank you,” Joey said. “How's your baby doing?” “Oh, no longer a baby, you wanna see her?” Joey didn't want to at this exact moment, but she couldn't turn down Gale who was now alone in the world. Going inside with her, Joey couldn't help but be flooded with memories of her many years in this house. Watching Gale being a mother brought tears to Joey's eyes. “Joey? You all right?” Joey hadn't realized she had tears streaming down her face. “Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I just haven't thought about my mom in a long time and I guess I needed to.” “Everyday I still miss Mitch,” Gale said. “It's so unfair that he's not gonna see his daughter grow up.” Joey went to Gale and embraced her. They both cried softly until Gale decided to cheer up. “Hey,” she said, cupping Joey's face. “ Dawson 's back in town, has he called you?” “Uh…” Think of a lie quick, Joey! “I haven't been in my dorm for a few days, I don't know.” “He misses you, I know he does.” Joey nodded. “I miss him too. Listen…I came back here to see my mother, so I'm gonna go be with her, but I'll come back to see you before I leave, okay?” “Sure honey, I'm here if you need me.” “Hi Mom,” she said softly. “I just wanted to come and be with you, I hope I'm not…of course I'm not interrupting.” Joey sat down in the grass in front of her mother. She gently outlined her mother's name with her long, elegant fingers as tears fell unbidden down her face. “God I miss you. Still, I still miss you Mom. You were supposed to be with me forever. Or at least until I was in late thirties. I had to grow up without you. I had to be a grownup long before I should've,” Joey sobbed. “I wanted your guidance and I wanted you to hold me and tell me I was okay just the way I was. But I can't see you. I try to tell myself you're still there even I though I can't feel you, but all that crap doesn't work enough to fill the hole inside me. And I'm not here to mope or blame anyone, but I just need you to hold me.” Joey covered her mouth and contained the violent sobs she so desperately wanted to exude. Then she lied down on her stomach, with her hand resting on her mother's tombstone. “I just wanna here with you for awhile, okay?” Joey asked weakly.
But awhile turned into hours. Joey dozed off and on, staying there the whole day. She told her mother everything she could think of that her mother would want to hear. She went on about Pacey and Jen and Audrey and Jack and college and Bessie and everything else that popped into her mind. “I'm gonna be buried right next to you, Mom. I want them to bury me so I'm looking at you, I want them to bury me sideways. I love you so much, Mom.” She dozed again and the lightening and hard rain began to pour, but she didn't move. She clung to the stone with her mother's name on it and repeated to it that everything was gonna be okay. Joey, soaking wet, cried and cried and let the rain wash away her tears. Suddenly a pair of hands cupped her waist and pulled her up. “Jesus Christ, Joey, what are you doing?” Dawson said, seeing Joey's pale face, her teeth chattering and mascara running down her cheeks. “Go away Dawson ,” she sobbed. “I'm with my mother.” “Joey it's freezing rain! What are you doing out here-“ “Go away! I need my mother,” she said and turned back to the gravestone. “Mom, it's okay I'm here, I won't leave you, I don't care how bad it gets I'm here,” she sobbed. Dawson grabbed both of Joey's arms and tried to pull her up. He could barely see her through the pouring rain. “Joey, Joey, your mom would want you to come with me so you don't get sick-“ “Don't tell me what she wants! She wants me! I promised her I'd never leave her and I…” He turned her around to face him and gripped her face in his hands. “Joey, you're not leaving your mother by coming inside, all right?” “No,” she cried. “No I want to stay here, I was lying with her, I was lying beside her and I felt her arms around me-“ “Let ME put my arms around you.” “I can't see her this way, I can't do it this way…what is she now? What does she look like now? She's a bunch of DUST!” Joey sobbed. She threw her hand over her eyes and cried, falling against him. “Oh my God, Dawson , make the pain stop, I need her so much and she…” Joey trailed off into just tears. Dawson held her against him closely, rocking her for a few seconds before he bent down and slipped his arm beneath her legs, lifting her up.
“Mom open the door!” “I'm coming!” Gale shouted coming to the front door and opening it. “Oh my God, Joey!” Gale cried, seeing her soaked and weakened in her son's arms. “What happened, get inside,” she said. Taking off her robe Gale wrapped it around Joey once Dawson put her down. “She went to her mother,” Dawson said. “I'm sorry—it's just that my mother's dead,” Joey told Gale, holding back her tears. Gale took Joey's ice cold hand. “Oh honey, it's okay. It is. Come on, I want you to spend the night here, all right. Come on, let me get you something warm to wear.” “My heart,” Joey sobbed as she held a hand over it. “It's all right,” Dawson said, picking her up again to take her upstairs. Dawson set Joey down on his old bed that was now more or less the guest room. “Here,” Gale said, presenting Dawson with warm pajamas. “Let's get her in these.” “Mom, let me,” Dawson said firmly. Gale nodded. “All right, but if you need anything, I'm down the hall.” “Thanks,” Dawson said. He turned to see Joey sitting up on his bed, staring into nothing as she shivered. He walked over and wrapped a towel around her. “Joey? You all right?” Joey's vacant eyes finally met his. “Did I really act like a child just now and-“ “No! You didn't. Jesus Joey, you're so hard on yourself, you always have been.” She shivered so much her speech was slurred. “Please tell your mother I'm sorry,” she said. Gently gliding her wet strands of hair from her face his eyes washed over her with love. “She knows. Let me help you. Come here,” he said, pushing the towel off her and lifting her shirt off. As he removed the rest of her clothing and reclothed her in warm pajamas, she didn't speak or move. Her eyes were empty and lifeless and it scared him. He covered her in a blanket. “Joey, I'm gonna brush out your hair and then put it up so it'll dry, okay?” She just barely nodded. Dawson gently worked the tangles out of her hair as Joey sat with eyes closed, feeling an incredible sense of beauty inside her in the way he did it. Once the tangles were removed, he started out with light, short stokes through her hair and gradually worked his way to long, protracted sweeps through her nearly dried hair. The heat started to cover Joey and her freezing skin no longer ached as this sensuous dance raged between his hands and her scalp and traveled down her nerve endings. Interrupting her momentary journey of relaxing, there was a knock on the door and Joey's body tensed up. “It's okay,” Dawson said. He went over and opened the door. Gale handed him a cup of hot chocolate. “I thought it might help Joey warm up.” Dawson knew how much Gale tried to help. He reached his hand up to caress her face, seeing the sadness in her eyes that would never go away. She had to live forever without his father, raising their child alone. “I love you, Mom, thanks.” Walking over he knelt in front of Joey. “Can you hold this? It'll warm you if you drink it.” Joey nodded obediently and took the cup. She drank it mechanically. He stayed there, watching her. “Would it help to talk?” he asked. “I don't know what to say,” she replied honestly. “I'm not even sure I'm speaking to you. What happened with her?” Dawson knew this speech was coming. He might in life have a shot at directing but he couldn't act worth shit, and she knew that. “Joey I was wrong in something I said to you. You weren't the one that had to grow up. I was. I admit there's a part of me that was angry at you but I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I was attracted to Natasha and she was easier than you were. Easier to be around. You knew me too well, you knew me better than I did and that was terrifying for me to face. So I ran. But I told you years ago that we were soulmates and that I wanted you back. I still do. And I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused you.” Joey gave a smile of relief. “Gale called you didn't she?” He smiled back. “Yeah, she's guilty as charged. She said you were sadder than she'd ever seen and that you'd been out there for hours.” Joey shrugged and tears fell from her eyes. “I needed my mother,” she said sadly. “I don't blame Gale, she doesn't know what happened between us. She still thinks we're the way we always were.” That stung him a bit, it was pretty much her way of telling him everything wasn't fine between them yet. He reached up and wiped her tears away with his fingers. “You're exhausted, Jo, would you sleep in my arms?” She nodded. “Yeah. I'm still cold.” He stood up and went to the other side of the bed and she raised her legs up on the bed and lied down in his embrace. “I'm sorry I was hysterical,” she whispered. “You weren't hysterical, you were grieving.” She exhaled, trying to let all the stress in her heart go, even if it was just for a little while. She turned herself so that she faced Dawson . Under the covers she never felt so safe and warm. She opened her tired eyes to look up at him. “I'm…pregnant,” she whispered and closed her eyes.
Chapter 3 “Joey, Joey it's a dream,” Dawson said to her. “No it's not,” she breathed. “I'm nauseas. Oh God,” she sighed, putting a hand over her mouth. She crawled out of bed and went into the bathroom, but she didn't vomit. He followed, concerned for her and sure he hadn't heard her right last night. She was breathing heavily but she slowly slowed it down. “Okay, okay, I'm all right. I can be nauseas but I haven't thrown up yet at all.” Joey stood up and walked back into the bedroom where she sat down. Dawson was speechless. He came over to her, placing his hands on her knees as he kneeled so he was at her height. “Joey…last night, you were serious? You're pregnant?” This was highly uncomfortable for her to say but she had to say it. “Yeah.” When she saw him exhale a laugh and smile, she couldn't have been more shocked. His reaction was…good? “Joey, wait, it is mine?” She gave him a look. “Yes,” she said, a little attitude in her voice that he would assume it was anyone else's. “How long have you known?” he asked, still smiling. He was much happier about this than she was, that's for sure. “A few weeks.” “Why didn't you tell me immediately?” “Well excuse me, when was I supposed to tell you, when I saw you on top of another girl?” She had a point. “All right, but that doesn't matter now. This matters, you and me and this baby.” She shook her head a little. “ Dawson you're so…okay with this.” “You're not?” he asked gently. “ Dawson I'm nineteen years old. We conceived this child on a one night stand where we just forgot to use protection.” “Joey, come on, you don't think that's all there was. I love you, I've always loved you. And I know you well enough to know what's scaring you. I know how strong you are and how much ambition you've got and how much you want to live your life, but you've gotta help me out here. I'm with you all the way, any way you choose. But I need you to talk to me so I know how to help you, how to be with you.” Joey placed her hands over her stomach and looked down, sighing. “I worked so hard to get into college without money and I've lived my life since I was thirteen taking care of everything I could. I never got to be a child and I was exhausted for ten years and I'm still exhausted. And…for once I just saw college as a way to…do it for myself and not anyone else.” Dawson swallowed. “You…you don't want this baby,” he stated. Joey stood up and walked back and forth. “It's not that I don't want this baby, but I so…” she had to admit, a big of her didn't. “And you know I'm pro-choice and you know I want so badly to live my life for myself and I don't know what to think because there are two things stopping me from sending this baby back up to Heaven until it can be in a family with money and a future and a chance at a real life and not the one I lived.” He wanted to hold her, he wanted to tell her in one sentence everything would be fine and mean it. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing but all he wanted was for her to be happy. “What are those two things?” he asked. “You for one. If I hadn't known you all my life and I met you a frat party and I didn't know your name and I'd slept with you because I was drunk I wouldn't feel so much like this is your child too. But it is Dawson . And we have loved each other for a long time in different ways depending on when and it's been you and me against the world for a lot of our lives. And I want you to know,” she said passionately. “I wanted you to be able to know that there's something living inside me that is a part of you. And that it's real.” Her eyes were moist and full of tears that were about to spill from her eyelids and travel down her face. “And I would never ask anything of you for my sake, I'm asking you for help with this child because I'm scared out of my mind but I'm not asking because I wanna bind you to me, you gotta know that-“ “Joey,” he said standing up. “Come on, you know you could never bind me to you. I've bound myself to you, I did that the first time I kissed you. And you have me, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't let you go again even if you weren't pregnant.” She smiled and cried at the same time. He thought she was about to come to him for a hug but instead she turned around, sucking in a deep breath, holding her stomach. “Oh God, I'm so scared. I've never so afraid of anything in my whole life. It was hard enough taking care of my sister's baby and if I have my own-“ “Joey,” he said, cutting her off, unable to hear anymore of her pain. He grabbed her and held her. “It's gonna be okay. One thing you've got, is me. I'm trying to absorb this myself but I think you can tell I want the baby. It's crazy, we're young, we're stupid but we love each other.” “Stop-“ she began. “No,” he said, tilting her face up to him. “No, don't tell me to stop. I love you, I've always loved you. And I've screwed up but you have always been the one to make me face things and I have faced my feelings about you which have not changed since the moment I kissed you in this spot all those years ago.” “I love you too,” she said back to him. “I do, that's why you can piss me off so bad when you don't tell me the truth.” “Sit down with me,” he said, pulling her to the bed and placing her next to him. “What was the other thing that you say is keeping you from aborting this baby?” She exhaled. “Thank you, thank you for saying like that instead of thinking of it as murder or selfishness.” “I know you Joey, I know you're scared because you want to give this child everything and you're afraid you can't.” She wiped the tears off her face as they fell. “And I don't want to feel it inside me and feel it kick me and move and hear it's heartbeat and then give it away to some stranger, knowing he or she is out there. I'd wonder every second where it was, if I missed it or bumped into it one day and didn't even know. Or that it would feel abandoned or just knowing someone else was holding my baby,” she cried. “But you asked what the other thing was. Ever since I found out…I've had this incredible, healing inside myself. That's why I went to my mother. This baby somehow brought that grief up and forced me to let it out. And I've felt…healed from the loss of my mother since I've felt this life inside me. And he or she is eating away all my pain. And I feel so renewed and so alive.” He cupped her face as her tears fell over his hands. “And it's like…my mother's telling me okay. That she's healing all that hurt inside me.” “Okay, here's what we're gonna do,” Dawson said. “We're gonna take this slow, take each step as it goes, and yet carefully start planning bit by bit. And I want you to tell me the truth, most of all Joey. If you decide you can't handle having this baby, I want you to tell me. I love you and I want *you* to be happy. But we're take it slow, you're gonna keep going to college, and we're just gonna do this together, all right?” She leaned against him in his embrace and cried. “I will, we will. I'm gonna try Dawson . Please just…stay with me, hold me.” “I'm not going anywhere.”
Chapter 4 Two months had passed and Joey was four months pregnant. She and Dawson were taking it slowly, step by step. With the help of Gale and all their friends it was becoming bearable, the thought of this child coming into the world and being only nineteen. Joey worked hard in college, worked at night but put every penny into a savings account for the future. She lived with Gale to save money and Dawson worked hard on his film directing. She and he had worked very hard to figure out ways to make all this work as easily and as practically as possible. Most of all Dawson didn't want Joey to have to give up her education, and if he could do enough to be able to work hard for the next few years and use the help of his mother's financial support, he believed they would be fine and eventually, even comfortable. Gale, Bessie, Joey's father, and all their friends were amazed at how much progress Joey and Dawson were making and how hard they both worked to absorb as much knowledge and cash as possible. It made all of them much more thrilled to help them out since they weren't asking for as much as they were endlessly putting out. The hours Joey studied and the hours Dawson worked. There were days Joey and Dawson didn't even see each other. He wouldn't come home until 2:00 in the morning and by that point she'd fallen asleep studying. Neither Joey nor Dawson saw much of Pacey or Jen or any of their other friends. Often Gale didn't see them and when she did, they were completely focused on their own activities, whatever that may have been at the moment. Joey's pregnancy had been very easy so far, and she and Dawson had talked about getting married but Joey didn't want to bind him. He said she wasn't but she didn't believe him so she asked him to wait. She wanted him to think about it for a while. Joey's father worked very hard at his own job and put a forth of his paycheck each month into an account for her. Their friends bought them tons of baby stuff to try to help with the money situation and all and all, they were doing the best they could under the circumstances. One night though, Joey took it off and decided to cook. She put on a sundress since the heat was unbearable, and began to cook in Gale's huge kitchen. She was starting to show just barely. There was a knock on the door and she went to answer it. “Pacey!” she cried happily, hugging him. “Come in, get in here, I haven't talked to you in forever.” “Likewise Jo. Where's Dawson ?” “Working,” Joey said casually. “Come on, I'm just cooking, I can still chat.” He watched her happily chop and she sure as hell did not look like a housewife cooking. She didn't even look pregnant. She just glowed. He'd never seen her so beautiful and he noticed for once she was actually wanting herself to look beautiful. Sometimes he'd wondered if she'd ever heard of makeup. But now she'd done her hair and her face and her figure looked fabulous in the little sundress and he was amazed. “Jo, gotta tell ya, pregnancy agrees with you.” “Yeah, uh huh, do me a favor and tell me that again when I'm nine months pregnant.” “Oh absolutely,” he said and she laughed. “So how's everyone?” “Wondering about you, what's up?” “Well, when I'm not killing myself studying for midterms or writing in depth essays I'm still being a waitress with your land lady,” she smiled. “I'm feeling so good about the progress I've made and I'm just praying I'll be able to keep going.” She was doing all kinds of things, she was obviously cooking more than one thing and he was wondering if she should sit down instead of do all this. “You putting a lot of strain on yourself?” he asked. She rolled her eyes. “What is it with men? You all think pregnancy means you're disabled or weak or breakable and you're not. Let me tell you that babies are a lot stronger than we give em credit for. It's not like on every soap opera where the picks up a glass and it was too heavy and she loses the baby. That's for drama, that's an effect that's been used up and sucked dry in every t.v. show known to man.” “Whoa, you have been hanging out with Dawson too much lately,” Pacey said. “Speaking of which, when's ‘Dad' coming home?” “God knows, Todd keeps him working there late as hell all the time.” “So…what are you cooking?” “Hungarian Goulash and Thai Chicken.” “What? Those things don't go together very well.” “I know, it's the cravings Pacey. I crave weird things in odd combinations these days. You got a problem, tell her.” “Her?” Pacey said. “It's a her?” “Looks like. Sonogram was pretty conclusive. There is no one hundred percent without an amniocentesis but sonograms these days are about ninety percent.” Pacey couldn't believe it. “Wow. So you thought about names?” “No, haven't had a chance. I'm doing the best I can to get as much college out of the way as I can and working as hard as I can before I'm too pregnant to do anything.” “Jo, can't you take a breath or something? I mean doing as much work as you are would be hard for someone who's not pregnant. You are. Now maybe you're not delicate or breakable as you say but shouldn't you take care of yourself?” She met his eyes with a firm glance then. “I'm young, very young, that helps. And I do take care of myself. This is the first meal I've eaten in a month that wasn't some high protein, high this high that whatever good for you meal. And this stuff is still healthy. And I sleep whenever I can.” She said that very harshly, and he knew he'd hit a nerve. But he was still worried about her. “Jo-“ “Pacey look. I'm nineteen years old and by the time I was thirteen my sister and I were on my own. I was no longer the child, I was the equal to her. I had work my ass off and do whatever I could for money and education. I've had a life of practice of doing this, this isn't that new honestly. Only now it's for my baby and my life instead my sister's baby and our lives back then.” “Well can you at least take five seconds to come here and hug me?” he asked. She smiled. “You got it, come here,” she said with open arms. She hugged him and smiled, raising herself onto her tip-toes since she wasn't wearing any shoes. “Trying to make me feel short?” he teased. “No,” she replied. “I miss you. I miss all of you. How's Jen?” “Oh the usual, in love one minute, searching for the real thing the next.” “God, she so deserves to be happy. And so do you! How's the new chick?” “Chick?” he repeated. “The chick is fine, thank you. I've finally found someone in between you and Audrey so that I can breathe yet-“ “Watch it,” Joey said, knowing the next criticism was hers. “I was perfect and you know it.” “Of course,” he replied and she laughed. “You make me laugh so hard,” she smiled. “Can I feel the baby?” She smiled. “Sure. Give me your hand.” “Have you felt it move yet?” “No, not totally. But I know she's in there. Another month and I'll definitely be able to feel her. See,” she said, putting pressure on her stomach with his hand. “See that's gonna someday be a head.” “I'm getting so turned on by this,” he said and she burst out laughing. “God you're terrible. Geez. Though thank God I have you to drive me up the wall. I wanna see all you guys so badly.” “Jo, can I ask you a question?” She gave a confused frown. “Sure, you can ask me anything.” “Are you happy with this pregnancy? Do you want this baby?” Joey's eyes filled with tears of joy and confusion. “Yeah I mean, it was never that I didn't want her, it…was my life then and now it's more than that. Sure it's gonna be hard but I'm strong and I'm never gonna break. And I've heard her heart beat and I've seen her tiny body inside me. Do wanna see her?” “Sure.” Joey stopped chopping the spices, set the knife down and went to the fridge and took the sonogram photo off. “See, here's leg-“ “Oh that's a…his…” “No dear, this is a baby, there is no way in hell at four months his penis would be that size. Besides it's a girl. Because the penis would be visible at this point, just not that size. And she's facing the right way so since there's nothing there, she's a girl.” Pacey smiled at Joey. Her hair was full and wavy. The locks settled gently below her shoulders. Her eyes glowed with excitement. “Even though she's a girl I expect you'll both still name her after me.” “Oh…surrrrrrrrreee we will Pacey,” she smiled. “So how's Audrey?” “She's still not speaking to me unless she absolutely has to, but she is dating someone new, and I'm assuming she's happy.” Joey closed her eyes. “Oh I wish I could be there with you all, be with you all still.” A sadness dawned over Joey as the realization of her life as a teenager or even a young woman was over. No more going to the beach or staying up all night with friends drinking and playing dirty games. Tears sprang in her eyes at the fact that once again, she had to grow up too fast to be able to take care of herself and the people she loved. The tiredness of that began to cloud her mind but she quickly blinked away her tears and thought of the other side which was the incredible healing she'd felt over her broken family since she felt this life inside her. “Jo, if you'd like, we can all come over one night or five in a row and crash with you and watch movies and drink—while you get milk and chocolate since I hear you've been craving that and we'll all love you and you know when this baby is born you're gonna have us. Hell I don't know anything about being a father except do everything differently than my own, but I'd be a helluva uncle. And you've got a lot of friends which means a lot of baby-sitters.” She smiled at his kindness and his attempts to give her back a piece of what she felt she'd already lost. She hugged him again. “Thank you,” she said. “All right, now get out of here before I cry and embarrass myself and before I burn my dinner.” “Oh sure, just kick me out, I'm gonna calling you Mom about now-“ “You do and you're dead,” she smiled back. “Seriously, get out of here or else I'm kinda find myself totally going nuts.” “All right I'm going,” he said. “Call you tomorrow, and we'll all come over soon. Oh, and let us know the next time you're not gonna be cramming in twelve credits for college so we can throw you a baby shower.” “All right I will, I promise,” she smiled, watching him walk towards the front door. Turning she ran into the counter in the center of the kitchen. She gasped as she felt the most incredible pain she'd ever felt in her life. She couldn't breathe…looking down she held her stomach, then saw her hands drenched in her blood. She still couldn't breathe as she grasped the counter behind her. The knife…the kitchen knife. She'd left it on the counter facing her and she walked right into it…she began to black out yet managed to gulp a breath of air and scream. “Pacey!” she cried as she fell against the counter, smashing the knife farther into herself feeling it cut through her. He turned back and saw her. “Oh my God, Joey!” he said, running towards her and catching her body as she slid to the ground. It was then he saw her stomach and the knife wedged far inside her abdomen. There was blood everywhere. “Jesus Christ, okay hang on,” he said, yanking out his cell phone and calling for an ambulance. “Pacey…” she sobbed in pain. “My God,” he said, seeing the knife and not knowing what to do but desperately wanting to stop her pain. “Don't touch it!” she cried out, knowing that however bad it felt going it, ripping it out would hurt so much worse. Besides, if she took it out she might damage herself more than help herself. “Pacey…help me please, it's hurts…” “I know, I know and they're on their way, I promise you it's gonna be okay. I promise you, God…” he was so scared at all the blood and the pain she was in he began breathing heavily. Then he noticed she was slipping into unconsciousness. “Joey, Jo! Wait, don't close your eyes, look at me, Joey can you hear me?” She was gone. Joey lie in Pacey's arms, unconscious and bleeding. He tore off his jacket and tried to tie it around her waist to stop the bleeding, but he was so afraid to hurt her he didn't do a very good job. The door opened then and it was Gale. “Mrs. Leery! Come in here quick!” Gale ran in. “Oh my God, Joey,” she said, rushing to her and kneeling down to the ground. “Oh my God what happened?” “It was an accident, she was cooking and she put the knife down on the counter and then she turned around and she was too close and the knife went in her…oh my God she's bleeding so badly, her baby-“ “Did you call an ambulance?” Gale asked desperately. “Yes! Of course.” Gale took Joey's hand and brought it to her lips. “Please honey, you're gonna be okay.” “Is the baby gonna be all right?” Gale looked at where the knife was. It was slightly above her lower abdomen so there was a chance. “Maybe, I don't know.”
Forty minutes later Gale, Jen, Pacey, Jack, Audrey, Bessie and Joey's father stood waiting. “Mrs. Leery, did you reach Dawson ?” Jack asked. “No,” she said miserably. “He's got his cell phone turned off and I don't know the number of the studio.” “Someone has to drive down there and get him,” Jen said. “I'll go,” Jack said. “Keep me posted, my cell's on. I'll bring him here immediately.” The doctors came out just after Jack left. “How is she?” Joey's dad asked. “She's still in critical condition. She's lost a lot of blood. We've repaired her internal bleeding as best we can but at this time she's too weak to go another round of surgery so the amount we could do has to keep her going for a little while until she's strong enough to go another round.” “And the baby?” Gale asked. The doctor sighed. “It's too early to make a prediction. As long as her system can maintain enough strength, there is a chance that she will not have a spontaneous abortion.” “A chance?” Pacey asked. “Well what the hell does that mean? The knife didn't hit her baby?” “No,” the doctor replied. “She was lucky though, it was close.” “What do you mean a spontaneous abortion?” Gale asked. “Well, as in any case, when the body is weakened and striving to live, it begins to shut down the none-essentials to keep her alive.” “None-essential meaning…her baby?” Bessie asked. “I'm afraid so, yes. Listen, time is critical here, but she should be waking up soon.” “Can I see her?” Bessie asks. “One person at a time, and actually she asked for Pacey.” Pacey didn't know quite how to respond, but wanted to see her. He went inside the hospital room with the doctor guiding him. “Most importantly, keep her calm, any stress is energy being wasted.” “I got it,” Pacey said. He walked over to her, she was incredibly pale, almost ghost like. He leaned over her, his fingertips brushing lightly over her forehead. She opened her eyes. “Hey you, you gave us quite a scare.” She swallowed, her eyes were exhausted. “ Dawson coming?” “Oh of course he is, he's on his way right now and boy is he gonna be happy to see you.” “Am…I okay? My baby?” “Yep, the both of you are looking good. You just gotta take it easy so your body can heal.” She nodded. “I will.” “Joey!” Dawson said, opening the door. “Hey man, she's here, she's okay,” Pacey said, guiding Dawson to her. Joey's hand reached for Dawson 's and he immediately took it. “Oh God, I was so scared, what happened?” he said, holding her hands tightly in his. “Hey, Dawson , talk about that later, but she's gonna be okay,” Pacey said, remembering the doctor saying to keep Joey's mind off of stress. Then Pacey slowly stood by, watching in the background, praying that everything would be okay for the both of them. “The baby's okay too,” Joey told Dawson . “Okay, don't try to talk anymore,” Dawson said, seeing how weakened she was. “Just listen. See that's the good apart about this situation is you can't argue with me.” She smiled a little. “We both have been working like crazy to get some sort of a stable environment and you and the baby meant everything to me, but the thought of how close I came to losing you made it all so much more precious. And…it's just no longer an option for you, you're gonna marry me.” She smiled. “Oh am I?” she teased. “Oh yes you are,” he smiled. “General rules have never applied to us, neither has sense or order. But I've loved you forever.” Her eyes washed over with love for him as she tightened her hand around his. “I love you,” she whispered. She closed her tired eyes and Dawson heard something beeping, one of the machines. “Something's wrong,” he said. “Pacey something's wrong.” “Okay, hang on,” he said, and yelled out into the hall for a doctor. The doctor and nurses rushed in. “She's arresting,” the nurse said. “She what?” Dawson said. “No, no she's not.” “Get him out of here,” the doctor said and Pacey grabbed his best friend and forced him outside. “What happened?” Bessie asked. “She's arresting,” Pacey said, with a supportive hand on Dawson 's shoulder. “Oh my God,” Bessie said, turning to her father's arms. “Okay, tell me exactly what happened Pacey,” Dawson said. “Why is she in there dying?” “ Dawson …it was…such an accident. She was chopping some spices or something and she set the knife down and got the sonogram so I could the baby. After I finished looking at it, she turned back to the counter in the center of the kitchen where she was chopping. She'd…left the knife aimed outwards and she turned too quickly. I still can't believe it went in that far.” Dawson couldn't process that. “Wait a minute, you're telling me she's in there fighting for her life and the life our baby because she ran into a knife?” Pacey closed his eyes, knowing how ridiculous it was, how had he not been there he wouldn't have believed it either. Dawson covered his eyes with his hand. “She's gonna die.” “No!” Jen said, grabbing Dawson 's shoulders and forcing him to look at her. “No, Joey is not dead. She's fighting, Dawson . It's been over a minute and if she was dead, it would be over and they would be out here. She's still fighting, and she has so much to live for, she wants to live for you, don't you know that?” She pulled him into her arms and held him, tears falling unbidden from her eyes. “It's gonna be okay,” she said to him. Joey's father had taken Bessie to the nearest chair and rocked her gently. “ Dawson , sit down with me,” Jen said. Gale put her arm supportively around Audrey. After several long minutes that felt like hours, the doctor came out with his two nurses. The only thing Dawson could see was the blood all over his uniform. He stood up instantly, and by the doctor's face, he knew it had the worst. “She'd dead isn't she,” he said. “No, Joey's not dead,” the doctor said. “She's not?” Dawson asked. “No.” “Then…what is it? Is it the baby?” Everyone had stood up and crowded the doctor waiting for answers. “ Dawson , do you remember how I mentioned earlier that her body will begin to shut down certain systems in order keep her alive?” “Is she slipping into a coma?” Gale asked. “No,” the doctor said. “And she's not dead…but…she will be unless, dear God I'm sorry but unless the baby is aborted, she will die.” “Oh my God,” Jen said, covering her mouth with her hand. “Are you sure?” “Yes, I'm sorry. The bleeding is too much and the baby…I'm so sorry to have to ask you to make this decision.” Tears fell from Dawson 's eyes, his heart pounding and breaking. “If Joey dies, the baby will die too. So my only chance here is to save Joey.” The doctor nodded. “I'm so sorry, Dawson .” “Is she conscious?” Bessie asked. “No. And she won't be conscious again unless we make a very quick decision.” “There is no decision,” Dawson said bluntly. “We either lose the baby or we lose them both. If we can save one life, and you're telling me that's the best you can do, I can't argue.” The doctor felt terrible. “I'm so sorry to all of you-“ “Stop wasting time, get in there and do whatever it is you have to do to save her,” Dawson demanded, and under the circumstances no one could argue. “Well, Dawson , you have to sign some things first.” “What?” Bessie asked, feeling this was a ridiculous time to be talking about paperwork. “ Dawson has to sign a form to give us permission to give Joey an abortion. She is barely four months but she will die without it.” “Fine!” Dawson said. “Just give me whatever it is so you can save her life.” By this point the nurse had brought the forms to Dawson . He filled it out mechanically, without emotion until he got to the part where he had sign away the future of his unborn baby…and the hardest part was doing without consulting Joey. He tried to force himself to sign it but he the pen wouldn't touch the paper. Gale came over and put her arms around her son. “Go ahead honey, sign it and she'll be okay. She'll forgive you, I promise.” Joey's father moved up beside Dawson . “I'll be the one to tell her if that would help. I'll tell her and make her understand if you need me to. And please don't hesitate, that's the least I can do.” Dawson forced the pen to meet the paper and signed his name. Handing the paper slowly to the doctor, Gale helped her son to sit down. She held him in her arms. “It's gonna be okay, I love you honey.” “What could've prevented this?” Dawson said allowed as his friends stood and watched him go through one of the hardest things one can go through. “She'd lost a lot of blood by the time the ambulance came,” Gale said gently, holding him. “And if the knife hadn't been so far inside her, maybe it wouldn't have caused so much internal bleeding. But we've done the best we could.” “Why was she cooking for God's sake?” he asked. “She…was having cravings,” Pacey said. “Cravings,” Dawson repeated. “Because of the baby. The baby that when she wakes up will no longer exist and she didn't even have a say.” “ Dawson ,” Audrey said. “You couldn't done anything else, you've done the very best you could. I promise. And she'll know that.” Dawson broke free of his mother and stood up. His eyes were so sad and lifeless it killed Pacey to see his best friend that way. “I'm…gonna go for a walk,” he said, his eyes blank. “ Dawson -“ Jen said but Pacey cut her off. “No, let him go, let him breathe. They won't be done with Joey for hours.” Audrey spoke up. “I'm gonna go get everyone coffee and something to eat. I'll be back.”
Chapter 5 “She's gonna be fine,” he said, not saying that too happily because of what they had to do to make her okay. Sighs of relief and faces of pain was all the doctor witnessed. “I bought Joey a cradle this weekend,” Jen said, her face tearstained. “Now she's not gonna need it.” “Is she conscious?” her father asked. “No, she won't be for a few more hours.” “I'd like to go and just sit with her, if that's all right,” he said. The doctor nodded. “Sure.” Pacey put his arm around Dawson . “She's gonna be okay, man.” Dawson covered his eyes with his hands. “Yeah, she said they would be as long as I took her child from her.” “Honey,” Gale said. “You did the only thing you could, you saved her life. She will understand.” Dawson stood up, he had to get to out. “Look, they said she's not gonna wake up for hours, can I go for a drive and you all call if anything happens?” “Sure,” Jen said. “I'll stay. “So will I,” Jack assured. “Thanks.”
Gale went home and found Dawson on the couch, out. She was glad, he needed some sleep. She decided to clean up the kitchen, the leftover food Joey had started to make, her blood all over the floor. In the process of cleaning everything, she found the sonogram. Tears came to her eyes and she didn't know if she should take it off the fridge so that it wouldn't be a reminder for Joey when she came home. She put a protective cover over it and put it in a binder. Gale also began to take down the little knickknacks that were for the celebration of the baby. The magazines, the books, the presents she all put away for the time being. Then she too, fell asleep. Dawson nearly jumped three feet when the phone rang beside him. Seven hours had passed. He feared the worst. “What happened?” he answered. “ Dawson ? It's Bessie, she's awake, and she's asking for you.” “I'll be there in two seconds.”
Dawson came running in, nearly crashing into Bessie. “How is she?” “She's conscious but very weak. She's asked for you.” “Does she know?” Dawson asked fearfully. “I don't think so, I haven't said anything,” Bessie promised. Dawson was a little nervous to say the least, to go in. Bessie rubbed his back reassuringly. “She'll be okay, I promise.” He nodded and walked in. Her eyes were closed, she had an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth, there were four hundred wires hooked up to her and the faint sound of the machines beeping in the background. She was incredibly pale and her stomach was slightly swollen. Though now it was from surgery, not their daughter. He walked over and sat down in the chair beside her. Staring for a few moments he finally took her hand. She just barely moved but she did slowly open her eyes. Dawson stood up and leaned over her, smiling. “Hey you,” he said, brushing her face lightly with his hand. “You scared the hell out of me,” he smiled. “See the good news is you have to sit there and shut up and let me do all the talking.” Dawson exhaled. “God, don't ever do that again, don't ever scare me like that. First, let me tell you how much I love you and how much you almost slipped away from me. You…I oughta smack you upside the head for scaring me like that,” he said and saw her tired mouth smile beneath the oxygen mask. “Pacey told me what happened. You're gonna be okay but I've never been so scared in my life.” He saw her try and move and he saw her hand slip from beneath the covers and reach for his. Tears slid down his cheeks as he willingly took her hand. He kissed it and held it tightly. “You're gonna be fine,” he said, caressing her face. “And when you get out of here I wanna get married. I don't want to waste another second.” She weakly took her other hand and put it over the oxygen mask, and it took all her strength to remove it from her mouth. She took a breath before she spoke. “I love you,” she whispered weakly. “I love you back,” he said. Tears gathered in her eyes. “The baby's gone, isn't she?” It hurt like hell to tell her the truth. “Yes, she's gone.” Joey turned her face away and began to cry with a passion and an intensity she was too weak to use. “Joey, Joey stop,” Dawson said, grabbing her shoulders as she covered her mouth with her hand. “Joey, you're too weak to cry like this now-“ “Oh do you think I care?” she whispered. “I killed her.” “No! No you didn't, Joey.” She met his eyes, they were so desperate, wide and pleading for him to tell her it was okay. She was breathing heavily and he thought she would pass out if she continued to use up all her energy like this. “You didn't kill the baby, got it? Listen to me, Joey, I am telling you all of the truth now but I'm begging you to calm down and rest because I can't go through you arresting again. Look at me, you can get through this, I'll help you.” Joey turned away, unable to look at him. “What does it matter, I can feel she's gone. I knew before you came in but I was praying I was wrong.” “How…how did you know?” Joey took another breath, she knew she was too weak to be doing this but she felt no reason to live at the moment. “Because when I was pregnant I felt this…this beauty inside me. This peace and this sense of healing that was overtaking my body and now I-I feel empty. Just empty Dawson , I can't believe I lost my baby as something so stupid as running into a knife. I've never even heard of such a thing.” “Joey, okay, I know, I know you're in pain but you've got to rest, you've got to stay calm, I'm begging you.” “What's the point Dawson?” Joey asked angrily. “Why do I have to live now?” “For me! Don't hurt yourself because you'll leave me again, okay?” “Tell me what happened? Was it the knife?” “No,” Dawson said. “When you arrested it was because of severe internal bleeding. Joey…it was the hardest decision of my life.” He saw her eyes widen in fear. She was so terrified he wondered if she was still breathing as she stared at him. “Joey I had to make a choice,” he said and she began to hyperventilate. “Joey—I had to decide but there was no decision.” “Oh God, tell me you didn't have to,” Joey said, shaking her head. “Yes, I had to. It was either your life or both your lives, Joey-“ “No,” she said shaking her head, refusing to believe it. “Stop it! I don't wanna hear it!” “What's going on in here?” the doctor said, running in with his nurse. “You killed my baby,” Joey said to the doctor. “You made him choose and you didn't even ask me-“ she kept going on and on no matter what Dawson said and they had to sedate her. Dawson walked outside the room, unable to handle what he had just told her. Pacey came through the hallway doors and spotted Dawson . “ Dawson !” he said running towards him. “How's Joey?” “I told her,” Dawson said, covering his face with his hands as he contained his tears. “Oh shit, how'd she take it?” “They're sedating her, does that tell you anything?” he said, sitting down in a chair. Pacey couldn't think of words to say to his best friend. He sat down beside him and tried think. He heard Joey's shouts of protest die down. “You know she'll get past this, you know that Dawson . You know above anyone else how strong she is.” “She's never been asked to give up a child,” Dawson pointed out. “I don't know how to right this wrong for her, I don't know how to make her want to live again.” “She will live again because of you and your love for her, Dawson. You know that.” Dawson didn't reply to that and Pacey knew at the moment Dawson didn't believe that. “Hey man, when was the last time you ate?” “I don't remember.” “Well let's go get something to eat.” “I'm not hungry.” “Fine, just come with me anyway. Let her rest, she'll be fine.” “I'm too tired to argue,” Dawson said.
Chapter 6 “Joey? Jo, it's me,” Jen said, waiting for Joey to open her eyes. When Joey's did Jen smiled. “Hey. How you feeling?” Joey swallowed and pulled the mask down. “They tell me I'm gonna be fine,” she whispered. “But I don't feel anything.” “I know,” Jen said. “I'm so sorry. But you can still have children, you know that, don't you?” “Not gonna replace the one I lost.” “No,” Jen replied. “No of course not.” Joey closed her eyes. “I've been asking them now to give me sedatives so I don't have to be conscious and know what I've done.” “Joey, I know it's hard to believe but sometimes things like this happen because God has a plan-“ “Please,” Joey interrupted. “Please Jen, this has nothing to do with God. This wasn't a miscarriage, this was me stabbing myself and killing my baby.” “Jo you have to forgive yourself-“ “I haven't even had a chance to come to grips with it. It hurts my stomach to cry so could you just go?” “We love you-“ “Please Jen, just go. You can't fix this one. No one can.” Jen licked her lips, feeling a deep pain for Joey. “Can I ask you one question first?” Joey's eyes were closed. “What?” “Do you blame Dawson at all?” Joey opened her eyes and looked at Jen. “No. It had to kill him to make the decision and he did the best he could. I'm not so shallow I would lash out at him to fill the hole I have inside me.” She closed her eyes again, and it was clear Jen could do nothing more. Bessie and Pacey waited outside. “How is she?” Bessie asked. “Numb,” Jen replied. “She wants to be numb.”
When Joey was being released from the hospital, everyone had shown up for support, but she wished to God they hadn't. While Dawson wheeled her outside Audrey went on and on and Joey tuned her out. Everything was a blur to her, she ached inside so deeply she felt almost like she couldn't breathe. She barely noticed when Gale pulled the car around and Dawson lifted her from wheelchair into the car. She wished they'd stop treating her like she was breakable. She could absolutely walk but she let Dawson feel like he was doing something to help. She knew he was in pain too but didn't have the strength to try to find a way to comfort him. It was her mistake, it was her stupidity and it was her murder. She was the one to blame for it all, not him. They'd arrived back at Gale's. “Mrs. Leery,” Joey said softly as they reached the front door. “I've been stuck in a hospital room for days and I'm really not up for coming in and going up to Dawson 's room for more rest. I'm gonna go crazy if I can't just go out for a little while.” “Jo, are you sure-“ “ Dawson , I'm sorry but I can't stay here. I have to go for a walk. I'll be back soon,” she said, walking off. She walked until she felt sand jump up on her legs. She looked and saw the ocean. The sun setting the opposite direction yet there seemed to be light against the horizon. It was a chilly evening, few people were here. The wind blew against her skin creating goosebumps. She was so drained she walked just a little closer to the ocean so her feet were inside the clear water, and then she collapsed, allowing her body to drop down to her knees. Salt water slashed up in her face and she finally let the tears fall. Her hands went to her stomach, acknowledging that there was no life inside her. She blamed herself for not wanting it at first. She wondered if she stabbed herself on purpose, knowing that logically that was ridiculous but emotionally she had the need to blame and hate someone and she chose herself. The waves came up on her legs as she gently set herself down into the wetness, and too weak and lifeless to do anything else, Joey lied down in the water. Her body ached and every time she breathed she felt the urge to cry. She held the necklace her mother had given her in a death like grip and kissed it. Joey's eyes began to shut and she didn't have the presence of mine to stop them. The next thing she knew she was in the sand, waking up, everything she was in drenched. Her face had dried tears on it. She smelled the salt water in her hair and clothes. When she lifted her body up to a sitting position, the sand stuck to her skin uncomfortably and she lashed out at God and cried. Ripping off her jacket she got up and ran back into the waves that had pushed her from her suicidal state. Tripping though she slid into the waves, the hard sand burning her knees. “Dammit,” she cried as she chose now to let it all out. In the middle of the night with the full moon brightly showing and no one around to hear her or give a damn. She cursed everything she could think of and cried violently until she began to wretch. Allowing herself—forcing herself to vomit this grief inside her, a pair of warm hands came over her arms and dragged her from the water. “Joey stop,” he said, pulling her into his arms. She refused and pushed away from him, crying hysterically. He grabbed both her hands and shook her. “Stop!” he shouted and she broke her hand free and hit him. She stopped cold then, realizing what she'd done. “I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't mean to do that,” she cried. “ Dawson I'm-“ “Jo it's okay. It's fine.” Joey shook her head, her long elegant fingers caressing where she'd hit him. “No it's not, none of this is okay. None of this is fair. Not what you were asked to deal with. God I'm so sorry.” He took her hand and pulled her close into an embrace. “Neither were you,” he said, kissing her forehead. She then cried in his arms, reaching around to hug his body close to hers. “Come here,” Dawson said. “Sit down with me,” he said, pulling her down the ground with him and then holding her against him. She cried until something random in her mind distracted her and she realized she was too tired to go back to crying once she felt the emptiness again. “Remember when we thought our first kiss was complicated?” she laughed to him. Dawson laughed with her. “Seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time,” he replied. “I thought I was going to be a mother,” Joey said softly. “This feels like the biggest slap in the face. It's like God shoved all this responsibility and maturity in my face then took it all away. And…nothing's real anymore—I can't do it anymore. Everything's so bland and endless and…it means nothing.” He rocked her gently and ran his fingers through her hair. “He didn't take everything. You still have me, Jo.” She exhaled. “Thank you, I don't deserve it.” She lifted her head off of his chest and met his eyes. She gently cupped his face and caressed it with her elegant fingers. She then brought his mouth down to hers, where she began with a delicate, barely touching kiss, but then she sought a way out of her grief, a temporary fix. Opening her mouth she flicked her tongue gently along his lips, forcing his mouth open, begging him to ease the pain. More than willing to do that for her, he opened his mouth and kissed her back, his hands sliding down her shoulders, pushing her opened shirt down with it. She moaned into his kiss as she raised herself over him slightly, pushing him down against the sand. His hands encased her face and pushed her back a little. “Jo, let's not do this in the sand, come with me.” Once in his truck, he placed his hand over hers, and they both leaned into the kiss. In a matter of seconds he had pushed her back against the seat, and were both slowly and quietly removing their clothing. Neither spoke as they began to move together, their mouths colliding in a silent and emotional connection. Their bodies moved in a prayer of forgiveness, need, and love that was expressed as their deep kisses and reaching hands sought the other, feeling, touching, and breathing. Opening herself to bring him into her body, her hands stroked along his arms as he leaned over her, kissing her lips then dragging his mouth to the line of her neck as she arched and pressed herself against him. The need growing inside both of them to reach some sense of release from all the tension and the pain, neither spoke a word and they were silent other than the steady and erotic breathing that escaped both their mouths. In the tiny space in the backseat of the truck were both their bodies and spirits in a collision that was more than sexual, but an act of forgiveness that Dawson tried to bestow over Joey. As he dove inside her and she raised herself to meet his body, she rested her teeth gently on his shoulder as her nails dug into his arms. She held his body over hers, thriving for the release of her body and her heart of the pain that had built up inside her soul and she lost her vision when they did reach their mutual climax. Resting against each other the heat around them and inside them slowly died down and there was a peace inside them both. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> More Kiss the Rain <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< |