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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 7 Joey attempted to bring her life back to normal as she went back to school, went back to the dorm room, but as soon as she went to class, the same professor that read her e-mail to Dawson she'd sent to the entire campus was on her again and she couldn't take it, the always pleasant Professor Heston. “…so if you can't show up to class prepared-“ “You know what, fuck you,” she said firmly as she stood up. Gasps were heard from her other classmates but she couldn't care less. “You are not God and you may think you're so much better than the rest of us but I'm gonna put up with your shit or your Socrates method of teaching because you're teaching me anything except how to doubt myself and how to feel like I'm two inches tall. And I'm not.” She glared at him for only a second more before she took her books and walked out of the class. “What the hell was that?” he asked. Eddie spoke up. “You know she's just gotten out of the hospital after losing her baby and being stabbed brutally, so maybe you could lay off her for four class periods until she gets over it a bit more.” “She was pregnant?” he said, surely he'd heard wrong. “Yeah, good observation professor, she'd only been for four months doing everything she could to learn and cram all this stuff in so she could make it through her first year before her kid was born,” Eddie said back. “And she was dying from being stabbed so they had to abort the baby to stop the internal bleeding. So if she wasn't in the mood to take your crap that's why.” Professor Heston was dumb founded. “All right, all of you get the hell out of my class, see you next time,” he said, ending it early as he walked out the door in search of Joey. He found her against the lockers with her hand over her eyes. “Joey!” he said coming towards her. When she saw him she turned away from him but he grabbed her arms and stopped her. “Came to gloat?” she said, tears already staining her face. “Is it true?” he asked incredulously. “What? That you're a pig?” “That you were pregnant?” She closed her eyes and frowned. “Who told you?” she wailed softly, not wanting anyone to know. “Eddie. It's true? You were.” She shook free of his hands. “I don't want your sympathy, but yes, I was about to be a mother when I'm still a kid myself but I wanted it so badly I still have a hard time believing she's not inside me anymore.” She saw his eyes full of compassion and hated him even more for it. “Don't spread this around and don't feel sorry for me,” she hissed. “Come back to class-“ “No, I've got a better idea. Why don't you go to hell, and I'll wait here for Jen.” “Joey I'm sorry-“ “Don't!” she said, putting her hands up to stop him from touching her. “I don't want your sympathy-“ “Let me get you a glass of water.” “I don't want water, I don't want your sympathy, I JUST want my baby back! Go back to your life and your class and your perfect teaching skills that by the way suck my ass.” She tried to move but he grabbed her arms and held her firm. “Look, Joey, I'm not a complete asshole though you obviously think so. If I'd known I would've-“ “What? Given me more time to finish the next five books? You're a prince.” “Joey! Come back to class, take as much as you need but don't give up on anything.” She looked at his eyes and they were sincere. She didn't respond, but she began to cry softly. To her surprise he pulled her into his arms and she threw her arms weakly around him. He stroked her hair and kept her from crumbling to the floor. “It's gonna be okay, I promise you it will be.” “It's my fault,” she whispered. “I did it,” she cried. “What do you mean?” “I stabbed myself!” she sobbed. “Not on purpose but my baby is dead because I…” “Shh, you don't have to talk about it.” “Joey?” a voice said that separated Professor Heston and Joey. It was Jen, and she opened her arms to Joey. “Oh honey, come here,” Jen said and Joey willingly fell into her dear friend's arms. As Joey cried against Jen, Jen stroked her back. “It's okay, you just let it all out, it's gonna be okay. I promise it'll get better.” “You gonna take care of her?” Professor Heston asked. “Yeah, I got her,” Jen promised. As soon as he left, Jen noticed people were starting to watch Joey sobbing in her arms. “Come on, let me get you out of here,” Jen said, and Joey nodded in agreement. “Wait, Jen, you have classes still-“ “I'll skip them, come on,” Jen said. Once in Jen's car, Joey had gotten her act together. “Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to lunch and eat the most fattening things we can, then we're gonna go rent some movies and you're spending the night back at home with me.” Joey smiled. “Why you so good to me? Not even just now but when I tried out for the Beauty Pageant all those years ago, why were you so good to me?” Jen placed her hand over Joey's. “Because I envy you and I couldn't understand how you could envy me. And because I wanted to know you. You were always so strong you made me think I could be as good as you.” Joey exhaled a laugh. “Well, I'm not one to envy right now. I'm a mess and I don't know how to put myself back together.” “Then don't. But let us help you Jo, let us help with the pieces. We all love you so much and we want to help you.” Joey closed her eyes. “I feel like…so empty.” “Hey, look at me,” Jen said, turning Joey's face to hers. “Don't judge anything you're feeling right now, don't do that. Let the people who love you take care of you .” Joey nodded. “Okay,” she said in a tiny voice.
The days passed and Joey felt like a zombie as she went through them. Dawson was directing again with Todd at the studio, and what hurt Joey most was she didn't have enough in her to care if he was falling back in love with the other woman. She sat through classes, wrote down everything she needed to, did the homework and then completely forgot it all as soon as she finished. She went to a psychiatrist who prescribed some form of prozac for her but all it did was organize her pain, not rid it. It also turned off any sexuality in her and it wasn't like sex was a big part of her life right now but since it wasn't doing any particular good and it was turning off her sex drive and making her nauseas, she stopped taking the pills. She didn't know if she was imagining it or not but everyday on campus she thought this one guy named Robbie stared at her. But she saw him in more places than their one class together and she worried that maybe he was following her. Course then she figured that since she just went off the prozac her anxiety was going for a ride. Finally though, there was something that could distract her from all the crap flooding her mind these last few weeks. A party. A good old college party with drugs, booze, and a lot of sex. She went with Pacey and Audrey and Jen and Jack, and she made her way through the crowds of people and the blaring music looking for Ecstasy and finally found some cocaine. Flirting with the guys as best she could they finally handed her a straw and she put it to her nose and sucked up as much as she could in one breath. In a matter of seconds she felt the surge. There was no more pain. She asked the guys for another round. They took her into the bedroom where she would pay up first. The pain was gone and she didn't care what she had to do to keep that feeling. One of the guys gave her a glass, filled it with booze, and they began the shooters. She gulped and chugged the hard liquor and it heated her stomach up and then flattened inside her body in thick waves. Feeling the numbness to her pain only made her want more, enough to make it last and last. Two guys offered to give her more if she'd pay for it. She was just sober enough to demand more after she'd gone down on one of the guys. Thankfully he didn't bullshit her, he did pay up like he said he would. When he offered her Ecstasy she was more than happy to do whatever to get that as well. And she did. Jen and Jack stood by laughing and talking as Audrey lit a cigarette and had a couple of beers. Pacey had tried to keep his eye on Joey but he lost her. “Any you all seen Joey lately?” he shouted. “She was…” Jen began but looked and didn't see her. “She was right there.” Jen looked at Pacey's worried face. “Pacey you don't…think she'd do anything stupid do you?” Jack asked. “I mean she wouldn't—she…” but the more he said it the more probable it became. “Oh shit,” Audrey said. “We gotta find her.” All of them searching through the party, they all found her in the bedroom, she was sitting down in the corner, facing the wall. Pacey went over to her as Jack got the guys with the drugs out of the room with the help of Jen and Audrey. “Jo,” Pacey said, putting his hands on Joey's shoulders. “Don't! Don't touch me,” she said. She turned just enough that he could see she had a gun in her hand. “Jesus Joey!” he exclaimed. “No,” she said, standing up and running out of the room. Pacey got up and chased after her. Oh his way out he shouted, “Jack! Call Dawson tell him to get his butt over here NOW!” “What for?” “Just do it!” He found Joey sitting in the center of the huge room, people by this point were now backed away from her, seeing her holding the gun in a deathlike grip. She rocked herself and seemed to be humming something to herself. Jen and Audrey followed Pacey as Jack phoned Dawson . “Oh my God,” Jen gasped, seeing the gun in Joey's hand. Pacey knew damn well no one was going to call the police, there was more illegal stuff here than a possible suicide attempt for sure. “Everybody, it's gonna be fine, just stay where you are,” Pacey said as he kneeled down and sat next to Joey. “Joey?” he asked gently. “Yeah?” she said, still rocking herself and staring ahead. “What are feeling right now? You okay?” “Pacey I'm not insane,” she said, though with her rocking and her hold on the gun she could've fooled anyone. “I know you're gonna try to stop me and that everyone here's gonna think I'm insane for the rest of their lives but I'm not.” “Hey, listen to me, I don't think you're insane, believe me on that one. And just like you have for your whole life, whatever these people say about you, you just let it go.” Joey laughed a little as she pushed the gun into her heart. She leaned over to Pacey as if telling him a secret but didn't whisper. “You remember my best friend who said I lived in a crack house with my drug dealer father? He didn't sell crack, he sold cocaine, and that's what I'm high on right now. So you see,” she smiled with tears streaming down her face. “I'm just what they all said I would be.” Pacey put a hand over his mouth and tried to stay strong through her pain, all the while not knowing what to do. “Jo, you're not what they said you were.” She nodded frantically. “Oh yes—yes I am. Remember when Bessie had Alex and everyone made a big deal out of the fact that she wasn't married…I mean, who gives a damn if she's married or not. What century are we living in, you know?” He wished she'd stop rocking herself like she was totally breaking touch with reality. “Joey, you always had the habit of being brutally honest with me so can I be honest with you?” Still staring ahead Joey let one hand go of the gun and reached blindly for Pacey's face. He took her hand and placed it on his face. “Of course you can,” she said. “You can always tell me the truth. I love you Pacey, even now. I swear to you I loved you, I wasn't using you, I'm sorry-“ “Joey, I know, I believe you. It's okay. Jo, you're scaring me.” “I'm sorry,” she said sincerely. “I don't mean to scare you I just…I don't know, why won't the cocaine do what it's supposed to?” Pacey felt his heart breaking for his dear friend. “Which is what?” “It's supposed to make the pain stop. It's supposed to do all the things you get hooked on which is why you keep needing more and more.” Jen signaled Pacey's attention and he saw Dawson standing by her. He turned back to Jo. “Okay, Jo, listen to me. Dawson's here and he wants to talk with you. He has a question, all right? Now he's not gonna touch you, he's just gonna sit down just like I am, okay? You feel okay?” “Uh huh,” Joey said and Pacey handed Dawson Joey's hand. Joey moved her hand to Dawson 's face to make sure it was him. “They called you, didn't they? They want you to stop me,” she said. “I'm not gonna lie, I do want you to put the gun down but I'm not gonna touch you. Jo, what would you do if our roles were reversed? If I was holding a gun to myself?” “You mean if you'd killed your own baby and you'd destroyed everything good in your life and you were turning out to be what everyone said you would be anyway and you were already dying?” Dawson held her hand between both of his. Her whole fucking college was watching this but right now his first priority was getting the gun away from her. “Jo what do you mean?” “I didn't tell you? I have a cist in my breast, it's cancer, just like my mother—you-you remember when my mom got cancer, right?” “Yes, of course I do. What do you mean, you've been diagnosed?” “Not yet, but you can feel it,” she said, pressing against her breast where she felt the cist. “Feel it, it's there, it's a cist.” Scared that she was right he did, and he did feel something. “Jo, it's probably just an enlarged gland. My mother had one because she wasn't getting enough vitamin E.” Joey laughed sarcastically. “Thanks but I know I'm becoming my mother. Come on Dawson , there's such a huge chance of me getting it anyway, there always was. Did you know she used to rock me when I was a little girl? It's still comforting to hold myself and rock myself. I'm gonna be with her soon-“ “Joey, I need you to give me the gun.” Joey closed her eyes and began breathing heavily, yet steadily. She shoved the gun to her heart and rocked herself as salty tears fell down her cheeks. “You remember when you said that if I needed you to you'd set me free? Do you know how good that would feel?” “You wanna be set free,” he said, putting his free hand on her shoulder and turned her a little ways to him. “Jo, if you're gonna set yourself free you gotta do it the right way. I love you. Do you trust me?” Joey nodded and finally her eyes met his. “Always,” she said passionately. When she thought he was reaching for the gun she clamped it to her. “No! Don't touch me, I've fucked up everything in my life and you know that.” Joey felt her stomach. “See, the scars are almost gone. The scars from when they cut me open and took my baby from me. Dawson there's a hole inside me, my life has been a joke. My mother dying of cancer and my drug dealing father cheating on her and then it's just Bessie and me and she gets pregnant and we're forever in debt and now I get pregnant just like she did only you and I love each other still, but I stab myself by accident and I kill our baby and-“ “Joey! Stop,” Dawson said, cupping her face. “ Dawson please let me do it,” she said, now sobbing. “I want to hold our baby and if I just pull this fucking trigger I can-“ “Joey,” he said shaking her a little. “I'm not gonna let you kill yourself because I need you. Remember that I've always been the dreamer and you've always been the practical one, Jo I need you to be practical with me now and I need you to stay with me. I'm gonna be real selfish and this time I'm not gonna let you go, okay? So you can hold the gun if it makes you feel better but I won't let you pull the trigger.” Joey nodded in agreement. “Okay, I understand.” Then she looked at him with a confused and pain-stricken face. “Why aren't you mad at me? Why aren't you mad that I lost our baby? Why are you trying to help me when I lost a part of you?” He reached for her face and brushed her tears away with his fingers. “Because Jo, the hardest part of all of this is to feel it. To really feel it. They say the only way you get over something is to really feel it. You remember how angry you were with your father and when you finally told him everything and you let it go, you could love him again?” She closed her eyes and exhaled, as if finally comprehending what she'd been doing. She raised herself up to her knees and he followed. They faced each other until she shivered in disgust and dropped the gun. “Hold me,” she said, letting herself go into his arms. He put his arms around her and held her tightly against him, picking up the gun and handing it to Pacey, then fully holding Joey as she trembled in his arms. “Aren't drugs a bitch when they don't work?” he said to Joey, combing her hair with his fingers. When she burst out laughing she smacked him lightly on the head. “You've ruined my dramatic moment by making me laugh, don't do that,” she pleaded sarcastically. “Oh forgive me, I thought the drama was enough for one night but please, give me all you've got.” The embarrassment of the whole thing caught up with Joey. “Oh my God, I can't believe I did this.” Dawson held her tightly against him as she rested her head against his shoulder. “Can't believe you did what?” “I was so ready to set myself free and everyone now knows that and-“ “Who cares? People who lose a child have a deep grief and often lose all hope so please, this was normal. You try so hard to take care of everyone and everything and you exhaust yourself.” She slipped a hand behind his neck and rubbed his back as she clung to him, tears falling. “I never knew I could love someone so much that I just created. That I'd only seen a photo of, that I carried inside me. I didn't even hold her and I've never loved anyone like I loved her. And it was my fault-“ “No it wasn't-“ “No, Dawson I'm not talking about the knife I'm talking about the fact that I was scared to have a baby and that it took me awhile to really want her.” “So what?” Dawson said, pushing Jo back and cupping her face. “You're 19 years old, you're welcome to have doubts about having a baby and it doesn't mean you cursed our child and it doesn't mean you wanted this to happen.” “I wish I would disappear,” Joey whispered. “I don't know how I'm gonna go back to pretending everything's normal. I'd give anything to transfer to Europe for two or three years, to get out of my own skin.” He kissed her forehead. “Let's get you outta here. And trust me, you've been through more embarrassing things like this.” “Like what?” Joey asked, a small smile touching her lips. “Like…sending an e-mail that was to me to the entire campus.” Joey closed her eyes and made an exasperated noise. “You know what, you may have me there. But you know what sucks, is how bad of a hangover I'm gonna have tomorrow.” Dawson laughed softly. “Come on,” he said, placing his hands on her waist and pulling her up to a standing position, but still holding onto her to support her. Jen came over with a blanket. “Here,” Jen said, wrapping it around Joey. “Honey, you something, I'm so glad you finally let all out. Because now you begin to heal, and I was wondering if you ever in your entire life would do something stupid or crazy or dangerous, and stop getting on my nerves by being so rational, and I'm glad you finally have.” Jen embraced Joey, rubbing her back. “It's gonna be okay now, everything's gonna be fine.” “You can still have children,” Audrey said. “Who gives a shit!” Joey lashed out, pulling back from Jen. “There's been a hole blown through my heart and you think you can just hand me a baby, any baby at that'll patch me up inside?” Joey's anger faded instantly and she closed her eyes in guilt. “I'm sorry,” she whispered. “I didn't mean to yell at you.” “It's okay,” Dawson said. “Come here,” he said as he bent down, slipping a hand beneath her legs and lifting her up into his arms. “Everything's okay now,” he told her as she buried her face in his chest, sobbing gently. Dawson carried her out of the room and to his car. Pacey, Audrey, Jack, Jen, and followed, Jen holding Joey's hand. But when Jen looked back on the way out, she was surprised to see so many sympathetic faces rather than judgmental or disgusted.
Chapter 8 “Jen can you get her a cool wash cloth?” “You don't have to-“ “It's okay, Joey, I want to,” Jen replied. Jack began removing Joey's shoes and Joey for a second there felt like she had full service for anything she needed, and she smiled. “Come on you guys, I overreacted but you don't all have to wait on me hand and foot.” “Jo, you're bombed and depressed, just shut up and let us help you,” Pacey said. Audrey handed Joey a nightshirt and Joey put it on and removed her bra underneath the shirt. She was pretty dazed, she had done shooters and ecstasy and cried her heart out and she was toast. Everything was blurry to her until Jen put the freezing cloth on her face. “Jesus Christ!” she cried, throwing the cloth off her face. “It's cold!” “It's okay, here,” Dawson said, pulling Joey into his lap and dabbing it along her face gently. “You guys…I'm sorry. I just…” Joey couldn't finish, else she'd start crying again. “It's okay,” Jen said, taking Jo's hand. “It's all right to lose it. Besides, Pacey's done way stupider things than that-“ “Thank you honey,” Pacey replied sarcastically. Jack interrupted. “Shall we get the hell out of here to give Dawson and Joey some breathing room?” “Yep,” Jen said, standing up. “After you,” she said to Pacey as they all exited the room. “Geez,” Joey said. “I didn't expect them all to filter out that quickly.” Dawson put two Aspirin in her mouth and handed her some water. “For later when the hangover shows up,” he told her and she obediently took them. “ Dawson I'm sorry.” “Don't be. Jo just give yourself a break, please. You're so damn hard on yourself.” “You know how many guys I went down on to get that ecstasy?” Dawson 's face looked a little disgusted. “You know how much I didn't need to know that?” She almost laughed at that but the reality was she wanted to throw up from the knowledge of how desperate she'd been to escape. “I could've killed every last brain cell and taking every kind of drug until I died and I wouldn't have minded.” “Where did you find the gun?” “In the drawer of the nightstand in the bedroom I was in.” “What the hell were you doing in a bedroom?” “Paying for the drugs,” she said matter of factly. She covered her face with her hands. “God…and now everybody knows and everybody at my whole damn college is gonna know I'm the girl who killed her baby and then blew a couple of guys to get ecstasy right before she jammed a gun in her heart and acted like a nut.” “It'll pass,” Dawson assured her. “Not for awhile it won't. Damn, now I'd give anything to transfer. I'd give anything to get on a plane and go to Europe and never be who I am again.” Dawson moved to her bed and pulled her body against his, rocking her slightly. “I'm right here, Jo. You can cry if you need to, or you can go to sleep in my arms. I'm not going anywhere,” he vowed. She did start to cry, but it was soft crying against his shoulder as leaned in as close to his body as she could. She felt the pressure of his heart beating against hers, she felt his warmth and clung to it as she prayed for the anger and the pain to vanish from her system. “Let it out, Jo, I love you.” She wrapped her arms around him. “I love you too.”
She woke up before it was time to go back to classes and told Dawson to go ahead and go. She needed some time alone. She showered and changed and applied her makeup. She surfed the net for a while and played music that soothed her. Audrey had stayed out all night to give her some peace, for that she was grateful. Joey debated on whether to go to class at all today. But she decided to do what she'd done most of her life, suck it up and to hell with what they said about her. Professor Heston was her first class. She was already late as she had been for 90% of his classes before. When she opened the door, all eyes turned to her. She said nothing but walked quietly in. Taking her seat she saw people begin to whisper to their neighbors about her and she held her breath to keep from breaking. Most of the whispering ceased within a matter of seconds but there was some girl on the opposite side of the room still whispering to the guy next to her. Everyone could hear and everyone knew it was about Joey. Professor Heston went over to that girl and sat on her desk, interrupting her conversation. “Anytime you're done we could get started.” The girl finally shut her mouth. “Why don't you, since you obviously have so much to tell us, tell the class your response to the reading?” Heston said, leaning very close to her to intimidate her. Her response was nothing more than one and a half sentences of pretty much guesses. “Did you actually read the book?” Heston asked. “Most of it,” was the reply. “K, fine. Joey, you care to comment on the book?” Joey, who'd done everything in her power to make herself not look like the night before she'd gotten drunk and done a huge amount of drugs was nervous about speaking but the minute she spoke her first word, the answer seemed to flow quickly and smoothly. Heston was silent for a minute and stared at her with a little praise for her in his eyes. “Well, somebody's transferring to my good side,” he said humorously. “Joey heads up,” he said as he threw a candy bar her direction. She caught it and looked questioningly at him. “Just my way of saying to you and everyone else that you have put up with my crap beautifully and I hope you continue to do so.” She gave a small smile. “Are you bribing me?” she asked. “No, I'm rewarding you. No matter how much crap I gave you and by the way it was fun to do, you kept coming back for more.” She smiled again. “You're right, I wasn't gonna let you stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Thanks for the candy bar. Now, before this period's over, why don't you do what we're all paying you to do, and teach.”
Getting in her car, she felt the pride in surviving that day, by herself without anyone's help. She thanked God silently and turned on the radio. The song “Can You Take It All Away” by Puddle of Mud was playing and she blared it, singing it with everything she had in her to release the anger. “Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face.”
The lyrics were too close to home. God had shoved all these responsibility and pressures on her and as soon as she learned how to deal with it and love it he took it away. The hard rock in the song soothed her heart, putting out the painfully hot flames inside her skin. She let it cool the fury.
Chapter 9 Dawson sat at the bar with a coke that he hadn't touched in front of him. Natasha opened the door to the bar and spotted him. Walking over to him she placed her hand on his shoulder and he turned to see her. “Hey,” she said. “Can I sit?” “Yeah, sure.” When Dawson looked away from her again she paid no mind as she sat in the chair beside him, staring ahead like he was. “Todd told me.” “Told you what?” “About the other girl…and the baby you lost.” “Yep, and I can't even buy alcohol to cover up a piece of the pain.” “I'm sorry Dawson ,” she said sincerely. He looked at her then. His gaze softened. “Thanks,” he said, and she placed her hand over his supportively. “How's…” “Joey,” he said for her. “Joey doing?” “She's grieving, she's hurting and she won't let me help her.” “Maybe she needs to do it by herself. I know that hurts you but some people are like that. But I'm sure she'll get through this.” At that moment Joey walked in, and saw them sitting together. She didn't quite know what to do. I mean she knew Dawson probably still had a thing for this girl and she didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. She decided to leave before they saw her, but when she turned around she bumped into Todd. “Hello hello hello,” he said with his rich British accent. “I was uh…just leaving-“ she began but he grabbed her shoulders and held her still. “No, don't run off, join us for a drink, mate.” “No, please-“ Too late, Dawson and Natasha had turned to see her. Joey sighed and let Todd put his arm around her and put her in the seat next to Dawson . Todd was being his crazy self and Joey couldn't help but smile at how funny the man truly was. He was flirting with her dangerously and then all of a sudden said he wanted to take her out one night. Before she could think of some way to reply, Natasha saved her. “Todd, cool it. Hey Joey, I'm sorry for your loss. Todd, come with me.” Joey looked at Natasha and held her hand out. “Hey, Natasha, hang on.” Natasha's eyes met Joey's. “Thank you, I think that took…a lot of class to say that. I appreciate it.” Natasha smiled as best she could. “You…wanna go to the mall with me and blow off money you don't have?” Natasha said. Joey smiled. “Okay,” she said, for once just doing something totally nuts like socializing with the girl she was in competition with. “ Dawson , I'll talk to you later, all right?” Dawson was at a loss for words. “A-all right.”
In the huge dressing room, Joey changed into a sexy shirt. “I like it,” Natasha said. Joey was still in such a dark place it was hard for her to get excited about anything. She looked at herself in the mirror and placed a hand on her stomach. “It's funny, by this point if my baby was still alive I'd be getting huge and it'd be a struggle to stand up.” Joey rubbed her stomach. “I was so worried about not being able to finish college and be a kid.” Natasha felt for Joey, this had to be the worst kind of loss. Joey shook her head and snapped out of it. “Whew, I'm a lot of fun today aren't I,” she laughed sadly. “It's okay.” Joey turned to face Natasha. “Do you love Dawson ?” “Do you?” Natasha replied. Joey nodded. “All my life I've loved him. From the first minute I saw him, and every day since then. No matter how much we hurt each other and believe me, we're good at hurting each other.” “I don't think I can compete with that,” Natasha replied. She stood up, face to face with Joey. “I'm not even sure I want to. If he's loved you all his life, I don't want to try to be equal to that because I couldn't.” Joey's face had guilt on it, and Natasha lightened up. “Come on, I'll give you a ride home.”
Two months passed and life seemed to be pretty much back to normal. Joey had gotten her grieving back to normal and was beginning to enjoy college again. The rumors and the whispers died down and she began to feel comfortable inside her skin again. After her classes one night she was walking back to her dorm when someone grabbed her arm and pushed her up against a wall. “Shh,” a guy said as he covered her mouth with his hand. Her widened eyes and ragged breath was only a piece of the fear she had. She felt like she was about to be raped and God knows what else. “I hear you like Ecstasy. I can cut you a deal-“ “N-no, thank you. I have to go-“ He slammed her back against the wall and she shut her mouth with his hand. “I'll give you Ecstasy and an extra thirty dollars for a blow job.” Joey shook her head. “No, I don't-“ “Don't what?” he said, imprisoning her against the wall between his arms. She could feel his breath on her skin and his body pressed up against her. She was scared out of her mind and wondered if she had a good enough chance to knee him hard in the groin and make a run for it. She'd heard that one and four college girls gets raped a year but she hadn't let it touch her. He was too close for her to be able to raise her leg and knee him. His body was on hers, she felt his heat and she felt him hard against her. She quickly raised her arms to his torso and pushed him hard off of her. “Fuck off, asshole!” she said as she pushed him away and began to make a break for it. “I'll scream, I swear to God-“ When he grabbed her hair and knocked her against the wall, her head hit it at hard impact and she felt the blood run down the back of her neck. The blur she in front of her made it impossible for her to even think about fighting. She felt his hands on her breasts, separating the material of her blouse and then plunging his hands under the cups of her bra and holding her breasts in his cold hands. She whimpered in protest and then felt his body being ripped from hers. She slid to the ground, dizzy from the blow to her head and then heard Pacey screaming at the guy and punching his lights out. “Get the hell outta here!” Pacey shouted and the guy did hit the road immediately. Joey adjusted her eyes as best she could. The cool air created goosebumps on her exposed skin. She tried to rebutton her blouse but he'd ripped the buttons. She looked up at Pacey for an instant then looked away, concentrating on covering herself. Pacey saw the embarrassment and shame in her eyes. “Joey,” he said, coming over to her. Joey tried to not cry. “I'm okay, I'm fine.” But she broke, and he touched her face, seeing the pain in her eyes. She allowed herself to fall into his arms. He cupped the back of her head, holding her, but felt blood and pulled back. “Jesus, Joey, you're bleeding.” “He threw me,” she said. “God Joey, this is a lot of blood, I've got to take you to the hospital-“ “No! I will not go back to the hospital, not on your life, do you hear me? Just take me back to my dorm room.” “Jo, if I can't get the bleeding to stop I'm taking you to the hospital whether you want me to or not, got it?” She nodded reluctantly and held her hand out to him. Once in her room he lied her on her bed. “Stay there, lemme get you a cloth for your head.” He went into her bathroom and couldn't help but wonder where Audrey was. He wasn't exactly about to ask though. Could he be MORE insensitive if he tried if he actually spoke those words? He dampened the cloth and came back out seeing Joey crying silently with a hand over her eyes. “Hey, come here,” he said, pulling her up to a sitting position so he could apply pressure to the back of her head. “You feeling woozy?” “No, but I tell you I wouldn't mind a couple of beers right now.” She couldn't help but be furious and have angry tears stream down her face. “But I do love the knowledge that everyone knows I blew a couple of guys to get ecstasy so now I'm known as the whore for drugs. Ow,” she said as he applied more pressure. “Sorry,” he said. “I'm just trying to stop the bleeding.” She was dying inside and he didn't know what to say. “You really wanted that baby, didn't you?” She sobbed and nodded. “Yeah, and I don't even know why but it just helped me feel so okay about not having my mother. It was like my mother was giving me this child, feeding me all her love that I've missed and when I lost the baby I lost it again.” “Do you feel like you lost Dawson again?” Pacey asked. Joey should've known one of her friends would ask her about that. “I don't know,” she sobbed. “Maybe. But I'm the one pushing him away, he's not abandoning me.” “Why you pushing him away?” “Because I'm an idiot ! Because I'm a fool, I'm my own worst enemy! Because it's what I always do, as soon as I get what I want I freak out and I force myself to lose it. Every time I let myself get close to something it went away again and I just haven't learned to grow up and let go of the past. But they always say history repeats itself.” “Hey, Jo, give yourself a break here, you haven't exactly been having an easy time here.” “I don't give a shit,” she sighed as she lied back down. “Jo, lemme see if the bleeding's stopped. Roll to your side.” She complied. The bleeding had stopped. “Good, all right. Look, do you want me to give Dawson a call-“ “For what? To tell him that some guy tried to attack me and I cracked my head? Please. Just get out Pacey, I'll be fine.” She stayed turned away from him, and somehow instead of sympathy, anger and fear coursed through him and he grabbed her and drastically pulled her up. He shook her lightly in his arms. “Joey, now listen to me. I got that you have been asked to deal with a huge pile of bullshit here, I know your life has royally sucked ass since your mother died and your father was arrested. I know you had to grow up and learn what barely making rent was at fourteen years old. I know you had to learn how to take care of your nephew and work full time and go to school and be sane all at the same time and I know you got pregnant in less than perfect circumstances with Dawson and I realize you have been royally fucked, but God GET a grip! Jo, you have to start making steps to get on with it, because guess what, now is your chance, your chance FINALLY, for you, and you alone. This is for you, this life now, it's yours and yours alone. You don't have to take care of somebody else when you're a child yourself, you don't have to visit your father in prison and you don't have to run a restaurant to keep the money coming in. This is your chance! Got it?” She hated it that he was right. She hated it that it was way time to move on and that she hadn't gotten herself completely together. She thought she had but that guy offering her twenty dollars for a blowjob made her feel like she was two inches tall and useless. She swallowed and met Pacey's eyes. “You're right,” she said in a raspy voice. “You're right and I know it, and I have done all these stupid things I'm supposed to to heal but I've gotta force myself to. And I haven't. I'm so deep in the goddamn pain that it's become safe. But you're right, and I'm tired of the way I feel and I'm gonna finally get off my ass and fix it.” He smiled. “That's the Joey we all know and love. You've been knocked down a hundred times and you've always gotten back up, and this was a big one, but you gonna force yourself up again.” “I will, I promise,” she nodded. He caressed her face, kissed her cheek, and left so she could sleep.
A week later she woke up late on a Saturday, but had planned to out and just try to have some fun. She pulled herself out of bed and lifted her shirt off and pulled her pajama bottoms off and showered. Stepping out of the tub, she put on a cute, short skirt and a sexy blouse that buttoned in the front. The phone rang but she was busy putting a ton of mascara on so she let the machine take it. It was Audrey telling Joey to be out of the dorm that night so she could bring a guy back. Joey rolled her eyes but knew she'd comply. Audrey had been really good to her. Curling her hair with a curling iron and playing some music on her stereo, Joey allowed herself to be young and not feel guilty about liking it, about not wanting to be a mother. She sang along with the songs that came on the stereo. Finally finished with herself, she walked out of the bathroom only to see Dawson sitting on her bed, facing her. She screamed when she first saw him, and clutched a hand to her heart. “Jesus Christ, you scared the hell out of me,” she whispered breathlessly. “Sorry,” he replied. “You scream loud for a girl,” he half teased as he placed a hand to his ear for a second. Joey calmed down though he'd scared the living shit out of her. “What are you doing? And how long have you been there?” “Since Bitch by Meredith Brooks was on the radio,” he replied. Her eyes widened and he couldn't help but laugh. “Jo, chill, I've heard you sing before. By the way, you look beautiful. You don't need to put forth all that effort though to be so.” She smiled. “Yes but sometimes it's fun to glam yourself up as best you can.” “I see,” he replied and she felt a fluttering in her stomach. “So…what are you doing here?” she asked chastely. He stood up and walked closer to her. “Joey I know that the baby was a good reason for us to be together, but I don't think you're understanding that the baby was an easier way for me to tell you the truth.” “What truth?” she said, barely above a whisper as her brown eyes held his in a firm gaze. “This truth.” Cupping her face in his strong hands he immediately threw her against the wall, kissing her, pulling her towards him. Taken off guard but completely wanting it, she kissed him openly, their tongues stroking, caressing each other's. She moaned into his kiss, feeling so passionate, so hot. He lifted her up so her hair fell over their faces like a curtain, and she groaned gently in his mouth when he backed her against the wall, a little harder this time. Placing her long, elegant fingers on his face, he then slowly lowered her, pulling her legs around his waist. She undid the buttons to his shirt and peeled it off of him with her desperate hands. With one hand Dawson pushed her jaw upwards so he broke their achingly hungry mouths, and he began to ravish her neck with his lips and tongue. Closing her eyes in passion, she felt his teeth gently nip her delicate skin, then plunge lower to her collarbone and upper chest. She slid a hand around the back of his neck, holding his mouth to her, urging him to do more. Setting Joey's feet back on the ground, he leaned in and took her lips with his, drawing the air from her mouth and caressing her tongue with his own. Then nibbling his way to her ear, he whispered words to her, promises she could barely hear over the pounding of her heart, but it didn't matter, she knew what he was saying. She smiled with her eyes shut in ecstasy, awaiting his touch as his fingers unbuttoned her blouse revealing a lacy black bra. She felt her breasts tighten and ache for his touch. His gentle hands slipped beneath the offending material and he encircled her nipples with his thumbs, then trailed his mouth down the line of her neck and enclosed his mouth over her tightened peaks, sending a shockwave to her stomach. Exuding a silent moan, Joey slid her hand around the back of his head, holding his mouth against her, feeling the waves begin to slowly crash back and forth inside of her. When he came back up and kissed her, she leaned against him and slipped her arms around him. His hand that held her face traveled down to her leg, then up her inner thigh. Joey's hands clutched his shoulders as they leaned into each other, their foreheads touching, their breaths mingling, their weakness increasing with every sexual second that passed. Closing her eyes, Joey reveled in the feel of her first tiny orgasm that spread through her body with his fingers persisting beneath her underwear and forcefully touching her. Joey tried not to cry out in the shock and the sensations, and Dawson pulled her mouth back to his, crushing her lips and sweeping his across hers in a worship. Feeling the perspiration along her skin, Dawson released her lips, allowing her to rest her face against his and purely and only feel the force of her own orgasm as he pushed her closer and closer to it. As his fingers dominated her and tortured her senses, Joey threw her head back in abandon as he nipped the swell of her breasts, causing her legs to nearly give way. Joey loosely threw her arms around Dawson , pleading with him and her body to give her release. To burn away the layers of pain and regret and be left with nothing but freedom from everything. His face travels to hers to devour her lips, the wet, hot silk sliding over her, under she tensed, felt her climax, and rested her forehead against his, until both their breathing came back to normal. “ Dawson , don't stop, make love to me,” she said, her smoky eyes meeting his. Walking over to the bed, he pushed her gently down, climbing over her. His tongue plunged into her mouth with a bruising forcefulness that left her breathless. She could feel the buttons of her skirt give away at his touch and then his touch. His mouth swept a scolding trail to her shoulder where she felt his teeth nip at her skin. She ran her fingers through his hair and shivered deliciously at his mouth and hands scanning her skin like electricity. Joey knew that she should stop this and do this somewhere else at some other time, but her mind was in no position to compete with the molten lava surging through her veins to swirl between her thighs. Ridding themselves of the rest of their clothing, she raised her pelvis to take him in, to urge him deep inside of her. Assaulting her senses, she cupped his face in her beautiful hands, kissing him, her mouth plundering his as her breasts felt the friction against his torso, her body rising to meet the passion she felt. She held onto him tightly, her long nails biting into his back as she tightened her walls around him to draw him closer to her. She was matching him thrust for thrust as their bodies drove to each other together. Dawson felt her clench around him and felt her body convulsing against his. She shoved her tongue into his mouth urgently, relishing his instantaneous surrender, and she took all she had to give. Overwhelming him. Bending down to cup her breast, he kissed the bottom of it, then traced his lips around the base of her breast, finally taking her nipple into his mouth and slowly increased the pressure, causing her to curl against him more, and urge him on. As he felt her begin to shatter, he slowed the pace down, pulling part of the way out of her. Joey wouldn't wait though, she needed him. She grabbed his back with both hands and when he pushed into her she arched herself to take all of him deeply. He reached for her face. “Please,” she whispered, needing him to finish what they had started, needed to feel the surge of her climax. The force of her orgasm was more than enough to drive him over the edge as he grabbed her hips for one more thrust. The world seemed to fall away into shattered pieces of memory, leaving them in their dazed minds and shallow, desperate breaths. Gathering each other in their arms, they clung to each other, allowing the dizziness to fade and allow them to settle back into themselves.
“What time is it?” Joey asked, several minutes later. “Close to six o'clock,” Dawson repeated. “Shit!” Joey exclaimed. “What?” Dawson asked. Joey sat up and began putting her clothes back on. “I'm supposed to be outta here, Audrey wants to bring some guy back here-“ “Is she over Pacey or is she just kidding herself?” Joey gave him the look. “Were you over me when you were screwing Natasha or were you just kidding yourself?” “Great, get the hell out of the bed and get dressed.” Within two minutes they were outta there, and when they got off her campus, it was pouring rain. Hard rain, almost so hard you couldn't see anything. But it was that hot, summer rain that you just melt in. “Get into my car,” Dawson said, grabbing her hand and running across the street to where his car was. Getting into the car, completely drenched, Dawson began driving. “Where are we going?” “Who cares, just trust me.” “You've always had my trust, Dawson .” He looked at her, then brushed a damp lock of hair from her face. That touch made her shiver inside. “I love you,” he said intensely. “I love you back,” she said. “And thank you for everything you've given me, my whole life. Being my constant, my best friend, the boy I was in love with, the one who knew me better than anyone else and still loved what he saw.” “Thank you for being the only person in history to watch The Lost World 79 times.” She burst with a silent laugh. “Hey, I've loved you my whole life, and I would've endured anything to have you look at me the way you looked at Jen. But thank God you kissed me that night because I couldn't wait any longer for you.” “You shouldn't have had to wait as long as you did, but since you did, I was the luckiest guy in the world. I just had a head problem and I couldn't see you the way I should've.” “You see me now,” she said. She turned on the radio and Billie Myers “Kiss the Rain” came on. She remembered that song. Someone playing it at the coast after she and Dawson had had their first big fight as a couple. She sat back and remembered the lyrics.
“Hello, can you hear me? Am I getting through to you, Hello, is it late there? There's a laughter on the line, Are you sure you're there alone? Cause I'm trying to explain, Something's wrong, you just don't sound the same, Why don't you, why don't you, go outside, go outside, Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain, Whenever I'm gone too long, If you're missed, Feel hungry and thirsty, Kiss the rain, And wait for the dawn, Keep in mind, We're under the same skies, And the night, is empty for me as for you, If you feel, you can't wait till morning, Kiss the rain, kiss the rain. Hello, do you miss me? I hear you say you do, But not the way I'm missing you, What's new? How's the weather, Is it stormy where you are? Cause I'm so close but I feel like you're so far. A word'd mean anything, if you knew, what I'm left imagining. In my mind, my mind, would you go, would you go? Kiss the rain, And you fall over me, think of me, think of me, think of me, Only me. Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain, Whenever I'm gone too long, If you're missed, Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain, And wait for the dawn, Keep in mind, We're under the same skies, And the night as empty for me as for you, If you feel, you can't wait till morning, Kiss the rain, kiss the rain, kiss the rain. Kiss the rain.
Joey's mind had drifted but she came back when she felt the car come to a halt. “Where are we?” she asked. “Who knows, come on,” he said. “What are you doing?” she said when he came around and opened her door, pulling her out. “I'm pulling you out so we can dance in the pouring rain.” The water fell hard on both of them, but damn it felt good. Pulling her into his arms she laughed as he danced with her. She had no idea where they were, she couldn't see anything but him because of how hard it was pouring. “I still want to get married,” he said to her. “So do I. You know more than anything I want us to be together. But I don't think I should do it this young.” “But you will marry me?” She cupped his face and brought his mouth down to hers. “In a couple of years,” she promised. The end
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