Count Down
By Sara
Date Posted: September 16, 1999
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. 'Nough said.
Note: This is just my take on what Josie must have been feeling as she waited
for Sam. Her emotions inspired me to write this little stream of
consciousness piece. Enjoy!
* * *
2:00
Josie didn't think her heart could beat any faster. It was already going
about a thousand times a minute, and she could only hope she wouldn't
hyperventilate. She carefully looked around her, eyes skimming over the
cheering crowd, desperately searching for something to focus on. Anything but
Sam.
She swallowed as her gaze landed on Anita, Gus and the rest of the Sun Times
staff cheering from their seats behind home plate. Even Rigfort had turned
out to witness this night. Her night. She smiled slightly as she watched
Anita jump to her feet and give a victory cheer, feeling a wavery smile as
she saw Gus look at her co-worker like she was nuts, but an amused smile
making it's way across his face. They really were cute together, she'd always
though so. Maybe they were finally realizing it. She moved her gaze slightly
and found herself amused to see George and his girlfriend chanting her name,
along with Merkin and the rest of their section of the crowd. She really did
have a wonderful job, and great friends.
1:30
She took a deep breath, unconsciously searching the crowd for the one face
she wanted to see above all others. She hoped she didn't look desperate. She
figured she looked scared. Really scared. She'd never put herself on the line
like this. Never opened herself up to this much pain�or happiness. But would
Sam see it the same way?
She again forced her gaze to wander across the crowd, this time, landing on
her high school friends. She felt an ironic smile looking at Kirsten,
Kristen, Gibby, Guy and the rest, cheering her on. A bit further over, the
Denominators were cheering as well, smiling and waving banners. How quickly
opinions changed. One newspaper story and she was suddenly a hit. With
everyone. Not that it mattered now. But she did realize a part of the events
leading to this moment were in fact, dependent on those individuals. Sure,
they'd made her life miserable, but then they'd shown her the joy of being
popular, being accepted, for the first time in her life. They'd also taught
her that being popular wasn't important. Being happy with yourself, your
life, your friends�that was what was really important. But she had to admit,
it had felt good to be part of the 'in' crowd. She knew she'd never forget
the experience, or the lessons she'd learned from them. She smiled as she saw
Guy cheering and smiling at her from his perch next to Kristen. They really
were something else.
1:00
One minute left. Josie's breath was coming faster, her palms sweating. Sam
had one minute to show up. One minute to change her whole life. For better�or
for worse. She scanned the crowd again, searching carefully for his beautiful
face, but seeing nothing. She closed her eyes a moment, willing herself to
think of something else, anything else. This time, when she opened her eyes,
they lighted on her brother, smiling at her from the dugout, wearing his
Assistant Coach jacket proudly.
She was proud of him. He'd be a great coach, and he'd get to play ball. After
all, that was what he was best at. That was what he loved. And teaching
others, so it seemed as well. She knew he'd taught her a lot. Sure, he was
her younger brother, but he'd shown her how it felt to be popular. He'd eased
her way into that crowd, and made her feel confident in herself. He'd also
encouraged her to not give up and be happy with the person she was. She was
happier than she could ever remember that she'd been able to help him find
where he belonged. With the baseball team, coaching kids, doing what he
loved, what made him happy. Because after all, wasn't that the point of
living your life? Being happy?
:30
She watched the big red numbers slowly decrease, refusing, even at these last
moments to give up hope. Another frantic search of the crowd, another fall of
her heart as she didn't find the face she was looking for. She felt the
crowd's intensity growing, knowing that judgment time was near. The time when
the whole town discovered if Josie was still Josie Grossie. She knew she
shouldn't think of it that way, but she couldn't help it. Old habits died
hard. But she was overcoming that, slowly but surely. Had been ever since
she'd started this whole charade. Ever since she'd met Sam Coulson.
Finally, knowing there was nowhere else to look, she closed her eyes and let
her mind fill with images of Sam.
The smile in his eyes and on his face as he listened to her reading
Shakespear's love stories. She'd nearly stumbled, that gaze nearly her
undoing. He hadn't taken his eyes from her, and, she could almost believe,
wasn't even breathing as he listened to her. It was as heady feeling, and had
sparked a glow that lasted all day.
The terror in his eyes as he watched the Ferris Wheel lower them to the
ground, and the relief she saw appear in those beautiful orbs as she told him
it was okay. Remembered how her heart had skipped painfully when he'd begun
talking about Laura. How her heart had slowed when he told her guys would be
lined up around the block for her when she was older. How her heart had
stopped when he'd said he 'shouldn't say that because he was her teacher.'
She knew he thought she hadn't caught the inner struggle on his face as their
ride ended, but she had. And her heart had jumped a bit, loving the thought
he might be fighting some kind of feelings for her.
The acceptance in his eyes as she'd come up with the prom theme, as she'd
looked to him alone for approval of her idea.
The way he seemed to use every excuse he could to touch her as they painted
the prom backdrop, whether it was brushing paint over each other, or bumping
into one another as they moved back and forth.
The locked gazes as their hands met as they reached for the same CD. Neither
had moved their hands, simply letting them touch, clinging as they lost
themselves in each others eyes.
The intensity in his voice when he told her she was a writer�and how much he
believed in her.
The pain in those eyes as he'd told her he just 'couldn't look at her the
same way.'
The thought sobered her.
What if he really felt that way? What if he hadn't seen the article? What if
he was so disgusted with her, he couldn't forgive her? What if he didn't show
up?
:10
Ten seconds left. The crowd was in a frenzy now, cheering and screaming,
counting down the seconds as if they were awaiting the winning goal. She
wondered if she'd feel better if she had a Gordie Howe helmet on.
Her eyes once again slowly swept the packed bleachers, searching every face,
every aisle, every blonde head, but still not seeing the one she so
desperately wanted to see.
:05
Josie felt her entire world go still, the sounds and sights around her
blurring. Five seconds. Sam had five seconds to appear. Five seconds to claim
his kiss. Five seconds to start the rest of his life�and hers. Five seconds
until Josie's own life was changed forever, one way or another.
In those last few moments, she knew she truly loved Sam Coulson. Nothing else
mattered. She loved him. Loved his ideas, his thoughts, his attitudes, his
humor, his passion for literature, and his little boy at heart nature. Loved
the sensitive way he made her feel accepted, a part of his world. Sharing
that world with her. Loved the way he stared into her eyes when their gazes
met and locked. Loved the way he could make her smile, and blush. Loved
everything about him.
And she suddenly realized, she didn't know all that much about him. They
hadn't really had a chance to discuss things like that. Little trivial things
really. But the main issues, the main desires, and passions, and emotions
were there. They connected on so many levels. She knew she wasn't the only
one feeling the emotions too. He'd admitted it, though it had been in the
heat of anger. She could only hope those feelings were strong enough to let
him accept her apology. Accept her, Josie, Chicago Sun Times copy
editor/reporter. She didn't know how she'd go on if he didn't.
Her eyes slowly opened as she heard the cheering draw to a roar. Then, almost
as if in slow motion, she felt her eyes move to the clock, the huge red
numbers standing out like a beacon in the dark night.
:00
The silence was almost as stunning as the cheers had been.
He hadn't come.
At first, she wasn't sure what she was feeling. Surely the crushing, almost
numbing weight descending on her chest must mean something. Surely the well
of hot tears she felt choking her must mean something. Surely the silent,
almost shocked sympathy of the crowd must mean something.
It did mean something.
Sam wasn't coming. Sam didn't accept her apology. Sam didn't love her.
She didn't know what to feel.
On one hand, she couldn't blame him. She'd lied to him from the first, about
everything, everything except her feelings. Those she hadn't been able to lie
about�they were too strong, too powerful. But why should Sam believe that?
She didn't know if she would if the shoe was on the other foot.
But then again, how could he not see what she'd learned, how sorry she was,
that she loved him, from her article? How could he not realize how much he
meant to her�how her feelings were real, something that couldn't be faked.
How could he not see that? Not see her?
She felt the pitying stares of her co-workers, and friends, the hushed
whispers of the crowd as they stared at her. The girl standing alone on the
pitcher's mound, holding a microphone, trying her best not to cry. Trying her
best to feel something�anything�it was better than this numbness and crushing
agony invading her body.
She wasn't aware of letting the microphone go, wasn't aware of the sound it
made, reverberating through the stadium as it hit the ground. Wasn't aware of
anything except the crushing knowledge that Sam Coulson wasn't coming.
She looked at the crowd one last time, trying to give a resigned shrug,
trying to make it seem to the hundreds of people gathered here to support
her, to encourage her, that she was okay. But she couldn't do it. It hurt too
much. The pain was too great.
She closed her eyes and bowed her head as she felt a tear escape her tight
control and slip down one cheek.
Sam wasn't coming. She was alone again.
She was so immersed in her own misery, she almost didn't register the sudden
cheers again. Almost didn't hear the people screaming and yelling, cheering
at the top of their lungs. Almost. But she did. And as she heard the sound,
she turned her gaze questioningly to the stands.
Her heart stopped as she saw a familiar figure running through the bleachers,
pushing through the crowd, almost at a run. She figured she must be
hallucinating. She'd heard somewhere that intense pain caused people to
hallucinate. This couldn't be real. Could it?
She suddenly realized it was as she saw Sam open the gate and stride straight
for her, almost on a run. She looked disbelievingly at him for a moment,
wondering if she was seeing things. And then he smiled. A beautiful, heart
wrenching, loving smile, straight at her. Only for her.
She suddenly knew everything was going to be all right.
She felt a shaky smile cross her face as he reached her, then felt her world
explode as he pulled her to him and brought his lips down on hers.
This was what a kiss was meant to be. This was the kiss she'd been waiting
for. She felt her entire world go hazy, the incredible sensations flooring
her body almost too much to bear. She lost herself in Sam's kiss, feeling
his arms tighten around her, feeling him pull her closer, deepening the kiss.
This was a feeling she never wanted to lose. The crowds, the cheering, even
the ball team taking the field around them faded as she kissed him back.
Finally, desperate for breath, he pulled back slightly, never breaking her
gaze. She felt her heart leap to her throat as she felt him stroke a finger
gently across her cheek, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She could
read the emotions swelling in his eyes. She knew his heart. Just as he knew
hers.
"Sorry I'm late. It took me forever to get here."
The soft spoken words suddenly seemed to symbolize everything Josie had
written about, had lived, had been building towards. This moment, right here,
right now. Standing with the man you loved, who loved you back, realizing
this was the person you were going to kiss for the rest of your life. It was
a long hard road, but she'd finally made it.
"I know what you mean."
The simple words expressed more than she could ever say, and she could see
that Sam understood. That he would always understand. That he would always
love her.
She smiled as he leaned towards her again and proceeded to kiss her
senseless. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him tight against
her, feeling his arms nearly crush her to him. She'd never been this happy in
her whole life.
She'd started this charade simply to get a story�to find her life, to find
her idealistic kiss. She'd found her story all right. She'd found her true
love, her kiss, and her life as well. But most importantly, she'd found
herself. And for the first time ever, she was happy with that. She'd never
take it for granted again.
* * *
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