Author's note and thanks: All right, well first of all, I'd like to thank Cheryl (of COURSE!)! You may be wondering what "By Amanda, featuring Cheryl" actually means, am I correct? Well, I was sitting around, thinking about what the heck was going to write in part 6�when Cheryl's "Sam's Journal" was posted. Actually�it happened way before that, but I won't get into it. Um�so I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if we featured each other in the Fan fiction?" because I really thought that would be fun (ha ha). So, I had a few thoughts. One was, "Cheryl's too good to be featured in MY story�", and another was, "Sam's so sexy�" and then of course a few names popped into my mind of who else, beside Cheryl, I'd like to do a feature with. Well, that's too embarrassing to get into! But I asked Cheryl if I could use Sam's Journal in part 6�and when she said yes (thank God!) I asked if she'd PLEASE help me. I mean, I know a lot about bananas�but she's the one you go to when it comes to being inside Sam's head. So, she said she'd let me write it but give me pointers. So the first 2 entries are extracted from Cheryl's world renowned (we have South Africa, Italy, The Netherlands, England Australia, etc.�) "Sam's Journal"!! The last is written by yours truly with much appreciated help from my big sista, Cheryl. Thank Cheryl for me, please!
Also, I'd like to thank Shelle and her series "Sam and Josie: The First Week" because it gave me the idea that will soon become apparent and also continues to inspire me with every new story added to it. I'd also like to thank everyone who writes and reads the NBKO fanfic for inspiration�because without it I wouldn't write (I don't know if that's a good or bad think, haha�kidding�I'm kidding!). Oh, and the Interactive, also! And to Santy for all her support. Gosh, I act like I've written a book instead of a bad story! ROFL!
Oh yes�may I add one more thing? Voulez-vous couche avec moi, ce soir!?!? Oui Oui!! Sorry�. Hope the story serves justice to Sam's Journal.
* * *
"Ewww!" scowled a familiar voice; "I can't believe my timing!"
Sam jumped off of Josie and tried to help her up. "Ro�Rob, what are you doing here?" Josie asked, scrambling to grab her shirt to hold against herself. Without being aware of it, it was Sam's shirt she was holding.
"I just came by to get my keys, I left them here�I didn't know you guys were�doing things!" Rob shuddered. There was something�sacreligious�about thinking of your sister�doing that�
"Well, call next time. Gosh!" Josie said as she watched Sam search for his shirt and then realize with amusement that Josie was holding it.
"Look, I don't want to be rude, but can you�put on a shirt or something?" Rob said, shielding his eyes.
"I would�but my shirt is behind you," Josie responded, pointing to where her shirt was hanging haphazardly over the kitchen counter.
Rob shuddered again, not wanting to think about how it had gotten there, and then threw the shirt at her. Catching it, Josie quickly put it on and handed Sam his with a sheepish smile. He grinned comfortingly and slipped his arms in the sleeves and started to button up the front. Rob, still hiding his eyes with his hands, asked, "Is it safe now?"
"Yeah."
"God, this is�weird! What the hell were you doing? Couldn't you do that somewhere else?"
"This is my apartment you know�" Josie reminded him dryly.
"Look, maybe I should go," Sam offered.
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea! And don't touch my sister like that again!" Rob said, his brotherly protectiveness coming out at last as Sam walked over to the door.
"Shut up, Rob!" Josie scowled, running after Sam. "Just stay here for a minute."
Josie fidgeted as she stood beside Sam outside her apartment door. "I'm�I'm sorry."
Sam inhaled deeply, "No, Josie� I am. We shouldn't�I shouldn't have done that. I think you're not ready yet, and I'm not sure I am either." Even though he said it, he wondered if it was true. He definitely felt ready, but something told him it wasn't the right time.
Josie stared down at her feet in embarrassment. How could she have done that? But she didn't dare tell him she'd done it on purpose. Sam was right. She wasn't ready, and she had almost caused them to make a huge mistake. "I love you, Sam."
Sam turned his eyes to hers. As he gazed at her beautiful, sincere face he couldn't help but feel cheap. "I love you too, Josie, with all my heart. We all make mistakes, God knows I've made enough of them, but never think I love you less because of them."
Josie felt like crying, but held her breath. She said breathlessly, "How could I?"
Sam smiled weakly and leaned in to kiss her, but before their lips met he pulled away. Josie felt herself blush with embarrassment. "I'll call you later, Josie," he said softly as he walked away without looking at her.
Josie stared after Sam for a few minutes. She felt numb with sadness and stupidity.
When a few minutes had passed, Josie sighed and went back inside. Inside, Rob sat on the couch, eating the Chinese take-out that Sam and Josie hadn't gotten around to eating. When he noticed how sullen Josie was, he asked with a mouth full of food, "What's wrong? Are you mad 'cause I broke up your little 'wrestling match'?"
Josie sighed again. "No, I'm glad."
Rob's face whitened with anger and concern, "He�he forced you to do something, didn't he?"
Josie smiled, finding the irony of the situation almost amusing. "Wrong."
"Huh?"
"I said no," Josie said.
"I'm serious, Jos. I knew that guy was trouble. You have to be careful with guys like that. I don't want you seeing him again. You've never even had a boyfriend and it's way too soon for him to ask anything of you at all. He can never ask you-"
"Rob!" Josie put up a hand to stop him. "He didn't do anything wrong."
Rob squinted with confusion, "Then...?"
* * *
Sam walked quickly to his car. Despite the sun's warmth, he was shivering. Once inside, his cell phone started to ring and he leaned over to grab it from his bag.
"Hello?"
"Sam! I've missed you so much! It's me. You changed your cell number and you haven't picked up your home phone in four days. It just rings�and rings�and rings� I finally got the nerve to call Meredith and Will and got it out of them. Oh God, Meredith�and Will� How do you stand them, Sam!?"
Sam couldn't believe his ears. "Lara!?!?"
"You'd think my boyfriend would remember my voice after 5 years," Lara said acidly. "Yes, Lara�your lonely girlfriend who's been waiting days for your arrival."
Sam's head began to throb as he remembered calling Lara and leaving a message on her machine about going to New York to be with her�telling Will he'd call her back and tell her what'd happened�and never calling. "I�I don't know what to say."
"Well, you can start by telling me when you're coming, where you are and that you still love me." Lara laughed nervously, a little embarrassed by the way she was being treated.
"I'm not coming to New York."
Lara sat for a moment -- completely shocked -- anger raising in her.
Sam could hear Lara's tense breathing and prayed she wouldn't argue or fight, but he knew that was completely out of character for her.
After a long pause, she replied, "What do you mean? I have a message on my machine begging to come back�it says you�it says you want to work things out!"
Sam sighed, still not believing his ears�not wanting to believe his ears, "I know that's what it says. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"You just can't!? I don't believe this! You break things off without even listening to me�then 5 days later I get a call from you telling me you're flying to New York to be with me�to work things out! And now you just can't!? This isn't a game, Sam. I won't let you use me whenever you want and then toss me aside when you decide against it!"
Sam could hear the anger and embarrassment in Lara's voice. This sounded familiar; too familiar. How could he have been upset with Josie for doing the same things he was? "I'm so sorry," Sam mumbled, not sure what else to say.
"What are you sorry for?" Lara replied sarcastically. "For not being able to do what you wanted to do only a few days ago? What are you talking about?" When Sam tried to interrupt, Lara stopped him, "You're obviously not sorry. I can't believe you would do this. I trusted you. I loved you."
"I am sorry, Lara! I never meant it to be like this! Let me make it up to you somehow. I never meant to hurt you. I just can't go to New York. I can't be with you, Lara." He could hear her trying to control herself on the other side of the phone.
"Make it up to me? How the hell are you going to do that?" Lara paused when suddenly a light went on in her head, "Can you just come here and we can talk about this? You owe me that, at least!"
"I told you; I can't!" Sam rubbed his right temple in frustration. His world was falling apart around him and he had no idea how to fix it.
"Then let me come see you�" Lara winced. "�in Chicago."
Sam stumbled over his words, not sure how to break this to her nicely. "I don't think that would help anything, Lara. I just don't know if that's such a good id-"
Lara interrupted, completely ignoring Sam, "Let me see. Tomorrow's Tuesday�I have a meeting all day and a dinner with the boss. I can take work off on Wednesday and stay until Thursday. So I'll be there Wednesday�probably in the afternoon."
Sam sucked in a painful breath and tried to remember when he'd agreed to this, "You can't stay with me."
"Who said I wanted to stay with you? God, that was a bit presumptuous, don't you think?" Lara hissed. 'Who does he think he is? Like I would want to sleep with him after the way he's acting!' Lara thought to herself lividly.
"I'm sorry, it's been a long day," Sam replied coldly, already regretting what he was planning with Lara.
"I'll call you when I find out my flight time."
Sam sighed, "Okay."
"Bye, Sam. I love you."
Sam shuddered involuntarily and took the phone from his ear. His mistake was all of a sudden extremely obvious and he hit the steering wheel in rage. Everything was perfect, and he'd found a way to mess it up.
He was about to put the phone back in his bag when he surprised himself by dialing Josie's number. 'Gosh�I'm only 60 feet from her!' he thought as he sat in his car, parked outside her apartment.
Josie heard the phone ring and sprang to her feet, "I got it! I got it! I got it!"
Rob rolled his eyes and went back to watching the television.
"Hello?" she answered breathlessly.
"Hi, Josie."
"Sam! I�um�hi. What's happening?"
"Oh, well I was just thinking about you," Sam said uneasily, "I just want to apologize again. And�um�tell you how much I love you." Sam bit his lower lip, begging to hear those three words back.
Josie felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, although she didn't know why. "Don't apologize, Sam. I love you, too. Did you call just to tell me that? You're so wonderful�"
Sam frowned, wishing he really were wonderful�wishing he had it in him to do the right thing, if he knew what that was. Wanting to feel less wonderful, he mumbled, "Oh, well I have another reason. I just�uh�wanted to give you my number, I mean I have the week off and have my apartment back so you can call me anytime you want�I mean if you want to, that is."
"Yes."
* * *
Sam sat motionlessly in his leather recliner, staring at the TV. He wasn't watching it, but it gave him an excuse to be sitting there. The phone had rung five times since he'd gotten home, none of which he picked up. One of them had been from Abby, his sister, but he didn't want to talk to her�didn't want to have to explain. The other four were from Lara.
As the phone rang once more, Sam glanced at the answering machine as Lara continued her lecture, "Sam, sorry for calling again�I don't even know why I'm sorry! I'm sure you don't care. But I just wanted to remind you that I'm not about to forgive you for this. That will take some effort on your part, and don't forget that," she paused and then said sweetly. "Bye, honey."
Sam laughed sarcastically, "Feels like old times again, honey." He turned his gaze back to the floor � to the boxes that so neatly contained his life. "Maybe I should call back and call this thing off," Sam pondered aloud to himself before he remembered why he was doing this. "I hate you, Lara! I hate that we ever met! I hate that I ever loved you. I hate that I stayed with you for five years and once I got the chance to leave I chickened out. I hate that I screwed things up with Josie because of you�" Sam's scowl died into a choking whimper, "I hate that you play these games and trick me into thinking I'm the one playing them. I just hate that I let you�that I'm so weak�that I let you do this to me," his face was red with frustration.
* * *
Josie smiled subconsciously as the day's light streamed through the open door. "I love you, Sam," she whispered, wishing he were lying next to her.
"I love you, too, Josie," came a hoarse male voice next to her ear. She smiled and turned her head toward the voice, suddenly realizing she had her arms wrapped around Sam, in her bed. She opened her mouth to question his presence, but he smiled crookedly and kissed her. When their lips parted, she shrugged and allowed her head to collapse on his chest�
"I'm glad I'm not going to work today, I want to lay here all day with you," Josie said, smiling, and turned her head back to look at Sam, only to find that he wasn't there and that she was alone in her bedroom. "Why does that always happen?" she sighed.
Fifteen minutes later, Josie stumbled into the shower. As she stepped out, the phone began to ring and she ran � forgetting to cover herself up -- toward the kitchen counter where she'd last placed it.
"Hello?"
"Good morning, Josie," Sam said, all of a sudden energized from hearing her voice.
"Hi, Sam!" Josie glanced down to see her dripping wet, naked body and awkwardly tried to cover herself up as she walked back to the bathroom to tie her robe around herself.
"Umm�Josie? I know you have your article to write and copyediting to do�but I was thinking that if you weren't too busy maybe we-"
"I'd love to! I finished the article yesterday. I really only have a few corrections to make�and Gus gave me the whole day off. So unless you're doing anything�I, well, I'm not busy so�" Josie's voice trailed off awkwardly and for a second she wondered why Sam loved her. He said he did, but she couldn't seem to find a reason.
"Great! I'll pick you up in an hour, okay?" Sam asked, not sure where he was going to take her. All he knew was that he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could, he'd already wasted five years with Lara and�his train of thought broke off as she discovered he hadn't wasted five years with Lara. In some odd way, he wouldn't have been the same without her, and without a doubt she made him appreciate Josie more. He couldn't help grinning at the irony of Lara somehow improving his life and happiness.
"Sure, see you then!"
"I love you so much, Josie," Sam said.
Josie smiled to herself. She savored the moment; letting the warmth of his words surround her before responding. "Me too, Sam. More than I ever thought was possible."
* * *
Sam flew effortlessly onto his bed. Now all he had to do was pass the hour before he had to pick Josie up. "This is going to be a long hour."
He sighed to himself, got up, and walked over to a huge box filled with papers and folders. He pulled out a crumpled newspaper and a notebook. Grabbing scissors off a nearby shelf, he turned the paper to the 'Showcase' section and began to cut out Josie's article.
When he was finished, he placed the article neatly on the bed and sat down next to it. Then he pulled out the notebook he called a journal and opened it. The page fell to an old entry�
I have a new student in my senior English lit class�Josie Geller. Odd time for a transfer student to arrive, but it does happen sometimes. Still�she stunned me when she defined the word pastoral�including its Latin root. Obviously, she's an extremely bright girl�I could see it in her eyes. She seems shy, though�I'll have to work to get her to open up a bit in class. It's exciting to finally have a student who seems as fascinated with the written word as I am. Frankly, I think this may be just what I need to make the semester interesting�I can't wait to see how this unfolds.
I was concerned though, when I spotted her in the lunchroom talking to Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby. They can be pretty rough on anyone who's a little different�and Josie certainly seems to fall into that category. I hope that she finds her niche�that she manages to make some friends�
Sam smiled widely. "She definitely made the semester interesting," he said aloud, memories of their first meeting stirring in him. He remembered seeing Josie for the first time, and then, really seeing her for the first time as she opened her mouth to speak -- as their eyes connected for what felt like a short moment and an eternity at the same time. There had always been something about Josie that was genuine.
He flipped the page some more and his eyes stopped on another entry�
It feels good to finally have things with Lara resolved! And I'm happy for her�that she's found someone who can be everything that I'm not. Now if only I could find a solution to my other dilemma:
I'm in love with Josie.
I don't know how I let it happen, but it has happened, and there's no stopping it now. I only know that when I'm near her, I'm happy. I feel complete. And I have no right to feel this way! But I do�I can't help myself. I can't say anything to her�I can't let her know how I feel, at least, not as long as she's my student. But she won't be my student forever. Four weeks until prom�followed by graduation. Do I dare to hope that maybe I could let her know how I feel then?
It would be horribly unfair of me to try to tie her down at this stage of her life. She should go to college�explore the world. I want this for her�but I want to be a part of her life�and if I have a chance for a life with Josie�I'll wait for her.
I'll call the admissions guy at Dartmouth about her. They have a fabulous English department�she'd do extremely well there. And it wouldn't hurt anything for me to send out a few resumes to high schools in the vicinity�
Sam wondered what had happened to that "Someone who can be everything that I'm not" of Lara's and wondered if that had to do with her sudden interest in him again.
He remembered how painful yet relieving it had been to write that entry. Looking back, he felt a tight pain in his stomach. At first he thought it was caused by the pain he had felt at the time he'd written the entry, but now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was the pain he'd caused Josie, and the pain he was still causing her.
He felt a warmth run through him when he glanced down at Josie's article and read the line, "I think I am in love with you," over and over until he felt slightly reassured that everything would turn out all right.
Sam picked up the pen he'd placed next to him, turned to the next page in his journal and began to write�
I've cut out Josie's article and placed it next to this entry. It's amazing how Josie's words hypnotize and capture the emotions she's feeling. When I read this article, I feel so fortunate just to know her. And to think that I have the privilege to call myself her boyfriend�her romantic interest�it's more than any man could ask for.
Lara called today. She wanted to know when I would be coming to New York to "work things out". To be honest, I had completely forgotten calling. I think I had been a bit out of it. So, I gave her what she wanted�permission to come to Chicago and talk this through. I haven't told Josie for fear of unnecessarily hurting her. I'm having second thoughts about letting Lara come here, I admit. But when I heard the anger and hurt in Lara's voice, it was difficult to say no. Moreover, how much harm could a little communication cause?
On the other hand, it's obvious that Lara wants more than a casual chat. I know Lara, and I know she has something planned� Doesn't she always? I have a horrible feeling about this�but I also know I love Josie. My love for Josie is so much stronger and more reliable than any game Lara might play. Then again, have I ever been very good at surpassing Lara in her own games?
I wonder if I am doing the right thing in neglecting to inform Josie of Lara's visit. If I tell her, she might�no would, be hurt, and that's the last thing I want�and how would I explain Lara coming all the way from New York just to "talk"? And if I don't tell her and she somehow finds out, it would make the whole situation worse. But what is the probability that she would actually find out? Maybe it's wrong of me to say that, but it won't last long anyway, a quick chitchat and she'll get the picture that I am with Josie.
What I'm really worried about is my sudden lack of self-control when I'm alone with Josie. I know I'm attracted to her�immensely attracted to her! But lately, I find myself getting excited over the most innocent kiss or hug from her. I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Yes, I haven't made love in a while�thanks to Lara�but it was never like this with Lara. I know Josie is a novice to anything sexual�which is hard to believe considering the way she straddled me in her office today! Not that I'm complaining, but it does make my situation more difficult. I know that if I don't find a way to control myself I very well might act on these emotions�in fact, I almost did today. She doesn't seem to realize this is all my fault, and I'm not sure I'd like her to know. If she ever realized this, would she still love me? Perhaps a better question would be: Can I survive without Josie's love? Sure, I've done it for more than 25 years, but that was before I knew it existed.
Sam sighed and looked up from the journal entry. He felt a little better getting his thoughts on paper, but now he had those questions stirring in his mind.
Could he survive without Josie's love? Could he survive without her? He never wanted to find out.
For a moment he considered dialing Lara's number�calling this whole thing off. It wasn't worth losing Josie over. Nothing was. But then he remembered Lara's voice�hoarse with pain and anger. He knew she deserved an explanation, because he'd been in those shoes. He remembered feeling betrayed�just as he had when Josie had revealed herself as an undercover reporter�
"Please tell me you got something on Coulson�"
Sam felt his heart break as he heard the confirmation of what he knew was reality. His last shred of hope had vanished and now he had to face Josie. Josie�his love�his problem�his light. She had been the only thing he had to look forward to�and now even she had betrayed him? He felt his eyes fill with tears.
"So�surprise�" Josie said softly, letting out a weak chuckle.
Sam forced his voice to remain steady, "Surprise you were doing a story on me?" He could hear the pain in his own voice and he prayed she wouldn't notice. How could she have done this to him? Why had he ever allowed himself believe she could have had any feelings for him? How could he have been so stupid?
"No�I couldn't�" Josie began, and Sam could hear the tension in her voice, "I mean�surprise I was hoping-"
"What? You were hoping what? That I'd be happy? Why? Because it turns out all of a sudden I was aloud to be attracted to you?" he managed, his voice cracking. He could feel a knife slice into his heart�he had loved her and all that mattered to her was her story? He looked down at the tie he was holding in his hand and began to turn and walk away.
Josie's voice followed him, "You were attracted to me?" she sounded so innocent�so sincere.
He couldn't allow it to get to him�anger started to form in his voice as he managed to say, "God damn it, Josie! You set me up for a story!"
Josie protested, her voice weak and strained, "No I�I--"
Sam cut her off, "Just drop the act. Ok? I mean every word out of your mouth has been a complete lie. I�I don't know you at all."
Josie stuttered, struggling to convince him to love her, "Look�If we could just spend some time together�you could get to know me again!"
Sam pressed his lips together and turned his back on her, slowly. As he started to walk away, her voice begged desperately, "Please, don't walk away."
Sam turned around again and made eye contact with her. It was taking all his strength to face her�he didn't want to believe she was hurting as much as he was, "I just can't look at you the same way." As he turned his back on the only woman he had ever really loved, he blurred out the soft sound of her sobbing and the tears that were beginning to fall freely from his face.
Sam gulped and wondered if Lara was feeling like he had felt. He had betrayed Lara. He had played his own game with her, whether intentional or not, and like she had said, once he decided against it, he'd tossed her aside. No, he couldn't call off meeting with Lara. Not again. She deserved to be heard, and he didn't have to let anything happen.
Sam glanced down at his watch and read '10:04 a.m.' "Oh my God, I'm late!"
* * *
To Be Continued�
* * *