* * *
Sam's mouth fell open and he stared dumbly at Anita and Josie for a long moment. Then, as if suddenly realizing how stupid he must look, he snapped his jaw shut and swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing from the effort.
Closing his eyes in denial, he thought, 'Oh, God, please don't let this be true!' But when he opened his eyes again, his gaze rested on Josie's dejected form and he knew that somehow it was true. Still, he had to be sure�
Turning his terrified gaze to collide with Anita's wrathful one, he croaked, "Lara�" Sam paused for a second, having to force the question out. "Lara was�here?" he finally asked.
Without breaking eye contact, Anita rose from her sitting position to stand with her balled fists on her hips. Her eyes bored into his and her look was so cold Sam felt icy slivers in the pit of his stomach, but still he wouldn't look away. Finally she accused, "As if you didn't know�" With a huff she continued, "Oh, come on, Coulson� Don't give us that innocent act! Of course she was here!"
"Oh, God�" Sam breathed aloud, shaking his head sadly at having his fear confirmed. He could only imagine the kind of torture she must have put Josie through� Then the rest of Anita's remark suddenly slammed into his consciousness. "Wait! What do you mean 'As if I didn't know�'?"
"You would know since you sent her," Anita clarified.
Sam's eyes darted over to Josie's slouched form in panic. She still wasn't looking at him and her head was so far forward, her hair hung down so that he couldn't even see her face. Is this what she thought? That he would have sent Lara to do this? But�why ? Why would she think that? Addressing Anita, Sam denied, "Sent her!? I didn't send her! Why in God's name would I do that?"
Without even so much as a beat of hesitation, Anita answered, "Maybe because you're a sick, miserable bastard that had nothing better to do on a Tuesday afternoon than to ruin Josie's life?"
Sam visibly flinched at Anita's attack. Whatever Lara had said to Josie must have been really bad for Josie (and Anita, for that matter) to be this upset, he realized. Caught up in the importance of making his point known, Sam suddenly found his voice. He said forcefully, "Anita, I wouldn't sic Lara on my own worst enemy�forget about on the woman I love!"
At that, Josie looked up at him for just a split second, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. But almost immediately, the light dimmed as her overwhelming doubts returned. Acute pain at seeing Sam's distraught face shot through her and she lowered her eyes again to stare at her hands, twisting in her lap.
"Pretty words for a pretty cover up," Anita said, not convinced. "Really, Sam� haven't you caused enough damage? Did you really have to come down here and pour salt in the wound?"
"I�I don't understand," he stammered, confused. "What�what did Lara say?"
Anita stared at Sam for a long moment, assessing him; trying to decide whether he was telling the truth and he really didn't know what was going on. After all, she reasoned, he seemed pretty upset and clueless at the moment�
The sound of Josie's quiet voice startled both Anita and Sam into staring at her. "Did you really kiss her and tell her you loved her, Sam?"
Sam's eyes widened and his face turned ashen. He stumbled back a step until his legs ran into the chair behind him. As if his knees had simply given out, he fell heavily into the seat. But yet his eyes still remained connected with Josie's.
As the uncomfortable quiet continued, Anita looked from Josie to Sam and back again. Although Sam's expression showed that he had knowledge of what Josie meant, something was not right about the way he had reacted. It was not simply surprise at having his secret revealed, it was more like�like his worst nightmare was coming true.
Anita cleared her throat, but neither Sam nor Josie looked at her. She got the distinct feeling that she was in the way. "Um�I think I'm just going to step outside for a bit�Let you two talk�" When that also failed to get a response, she simply crossed the room and walked out. But before closing the door, she stuck her head in and said, both in support for Josie and as a warning to Sam, "But I'll be right outside if you need me, Jos�" Then she closed the door and left.
Sam closed his eyes against the pain exploding in his heart. How could he possibly have been so stupid!? Why didn't he realize that Lara was vindictive enough to come down here and hurt Josie? Why didn't he see that her vow of revenge would lead her here? And she had plenty of ammunition to use, too. Damn! He was such an idiot!
Josie's voice, barely above a whisper, caused him to open his eyes once more. "You did say it, didn't you?" Her tone echoed of soul-deep agony.
Sam looked down for a long moment, watching his hands as their palms rubbed together. He leaned forward in the seat, his knees apart, his elbows resting on each leg so that his hands rested in the space between. He let out a long, mournful sigh. This wasn't the way he had wanted to tell her, but he also knew he couldn't lie. "Yes," he admitted at last. "Yes, I did."
Sam watched Josie's expression. Tears collected on her lashes and dropped unnoticed down her cheeks. He hadn't thought it was possible for her to look any more wounded, until now. White-hot pokers of guilt stabbed his heart with each new tear that fell. Quickly he amended, "But I didn't mean it, Josie, I swear� I�didn't know what I was saying� Please, let me explain�"
But Josie wasn't listening. It was as if her brain had simply shut down. When Sam actually admitted to having told Lara he loved her, the pain just exploded inside her head, clouding out all else. She felt as if her heart had stopped beating, as if the simple act of breathing was too much effort. How could she have been so terribly, terribly wrong about Sam? And moreover, how could she have believed him? How could she have possibly thought she could compete with Lara? Hadn't she learned her lesson the first time, with Billy Prince?
Sam knew he was losing Josie. With every second that passed, she was slipping farther and farther away from him. Well, damn it, he wasn't going to let that happen�not without a fight, anyway. He got up and walked around the desk, sitting in the seat that Anita had vacated. He reached over and held both her hands within his own. Squeezing them, he said, "Josie? Josie, please� I know I don't deserve another chance, but I'm begging you to give it to me anyway, to hear my explanation�"
Josie raised her eyes to meet his once more. Softly she said, "Sam, you love her� What else is there to say?"
Sam vehemently protested, "Josie, I don't love her. I love you."
Josie pulled her hands away from Sam's roughly and turned around in her chair. How could she possibly believe him now? Everything he'd ever told her was a lie. She didn't want to see him, didn't want to hear his voice, didn't want to give him a chance to make her believe him again�
Sam felt tears prick at his own eyes when Josie retreated from him. He knew he had lost her�and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. Still, he couldn't stop himself from saying, "Don't you see? This is what she wants, Jos; what she wanted all along, I think�to break us up, for me to lose you. Don't let her do this to us. Please, please, just let me explain�"
Josie shook her head and sobbed, "No�I can't. Please� just go. Leave me alone, Sam�please."
A terrible silence hung in the air between them. Josie wouldn't, couldn't look at Sam, even though she could feel his eyes on her. After a long moment, Josie heard a long, crestfallen sigh and then heard the creak of the chair next to her as Sam stood up.
"Okay, Josie�if that's the way you want it, I'll go. I don't want to go, but I will. I don't want to hurt you anymore." Sam sounded like she felt: as if his heart was utterly broken and his soul had lost its mate.
Josie desperately wanted to believe what she heard in Sam's voice and saw on his face, but she didn't dare. She couldn't give him another chance to hurt her; she didn't think she could survive it.
She heard his footfalls as he moved slowly, dejectedly across the room. Almost against her will, she looked up and watched his retreating form, saw the slouch in his shoulders, the drag of his feet. This image brought another to mind: the way he looked when he walked away from her the night of the prom.
Josie sat up straighter in her chair as she thought of the obvious parallel between then and now. But that night, Sam had been the one hurt. Finally, Josie had some insight into how he must have felt that night: how blindsided and betrayed he must have felt by her revealed secret. He had overheard George say some damning things about her, and he'd believed them. Granted, those things hadn't been true, but they'd been the most logical conclusion.
Then too, she had begged him to believe her, to give her a chance to explain, just as he was doing now. What if he was telling the truth? What if there really was another reason for what she thought she knew? How could she live with herself if she didn't know for sure?
Josie watched, as if in slow motion, as Sam's left hand reached out toward the door, as his palm rested on knob, as his fingers curled around it. When he turned the knob and started to open the door, Josie was roused out of her inaction by a wave of sheer panic. Sam was leaving!
"Sam�" she whispered.
Sam didn't hear her; the door swung open wider.
"Sam�wait!" Josie called, her voice breaking with emotion.
Sam's movement stilled. A second or two passed, and then he slowly closed the door. Josie watched as he took a deep breath, then another. Finally, he turned his face toward her. Tears stained his face even as hope sparked in his eyes.
"Tell me," Josie begged. "Just tell me the truth�promise me that."
Sam didn't move; he hardly dared to breathe. He felt like a man who had just been granted a stay of execution. Suddenly his life might not be over. Maybe all was not lost� Nodding slowly, he vowed, "I swear it."
Josie met his gaze for a long moment before gesturing toward the chair in front of her desk and then looking back down, studying the faux wood grain of her desk.
Sam walked back toward Josie, picked up the chair and plopped it back onto the carpeting just in front of the desk. Then he sat down, resuming his position of rubbing his hands together while resting his elbows on his thighs. Head down, he studied the loops in the cream colored, industrial Berber carpeting between his feet, trying to find the courage to begin.
Josie recognized Sam's obvious unease and indecision, so she softly prompted, "So�what happened?"
"Well�" Sam began, and then he cleared his throat nervously and began again. "Really, I brought some of this on myself, because I've been so caught up in you�" he looked up for a moment, then looked back down, "and the whole suspension thing, I didn't even realize that I had never called Lara back. I never told her that I was no longer coming to New York; indeed that I had no interest in reconciling anymore. And because I had been staying with you, I hadn't checked my messages�"
Josie sucked in a little breath, but said nothing.
Sam continued, "So anyway, you can imagine my utter shock and surprise to find my her in my apartment when I got home this morning�coming out of my shower and dressed in my bathrobe, no less�" Sam shivered a little at the thought. "I felt like I was in a Twilight Zone episode or something."
The tiniest hint of a smile touched the corner of Josie's mouth at the thought of Sam trapped in the old science fiction series. 'Yeah,' she thought, 'The Ex- Girlfriend That Wouldn't Go Away�'
"Oh, God, Josie�" Sam moaned, "You were so right about her! She is the consummate manipulator, and I never really saw it until today. I realized a lot of things today, actually�" Again, Sam sneaked a peek at Josie, but Josie was not looking at him; she was still staring at the top of her desk.
"Josie, she acted as if she knew nothing about us, about what happened on Sunday. I felt so bad, so guilty, that I hadn't done the right thing by calling her back. And now, there she was, having traveled halfway across the country in order to reconcile. I was at a loss as to how to handle the situation gracefully. I�I tried to tell her, without mentioning you, how I thought she and I were just not right for each other. I didn't want her to think that it was simply a matter of leaving her for you, because it wasn't."
"Looking back on it, she played me perfectly�She knew just what to say to make me feel supremely guilty, and before I knew it, I was agreeing to sitting down and trying to talk things out with her."
Josie looked up for a moment, pain evident in her features. Sam hastened to amend, "I don't mean that I planned on working things out with her, but that for all her trouble of flying out here, I thought she at least deserved some closure. You know, to understand how I felt? What went wrong in the relationship?"
Josie didn't look up again, but she nodded her understanding.
"She must have known she could manipulate me into agreeing to that if I didn't know she knew about you. Play on my conscience�that kind of thing." Sam paused for a long moment and then sighed. "Truthfully, I think I've always been pretty easy for her to manipulate. She knows just what buttons to push to get me to do what she wants."
Josie nodded again. She could certainly understand that as a dynamic to Sam and Lara's relationship. Otherwise, there was no way someone as wonderful as Sam would have stayed with a witch like Lara for so long.
Sam's tone of voice turned a touch sarcastic when he said, "Well, she certainly pulled out all the stops today. She used every sneaky, manipulative trick she knew, I think, to try to win me back." He sighed heavily.
"She set me up, Josie; plain and simple. Not that I am pushing the blame off onto Lara, because I'm not. I should have been stronger somehow, should have seen what she was doing�" He trailed off wistfully. "But I wasn't and I didn't. Not until it was too late."
"Once she got me to agree to 'talk' about our relationship, it was all downhill from there. She used her physical attractiveness and my own memories against me�" Sam pushed down another bout of nausea at the thought of what he had done.
Josie was not at all surprised that Lara had used her 'sex appeal' against Sam. She was undeniably beautiful and sexy. But Josie didn't understand what Sam meant about Lara 'using his memories against him.' "How?" she dared to ask, peeking up at him to gauge his reaction to her question.
Sam grimaced. He knew that what he would tell Josie next would hurt her, and he'd already done that more than he ever wanted to do in his entire life, forget about in one day. But she'd asked the question, and he'd sworn to be honest with her.
"Well, for starters, she decided to put on a little 'show' for me by having me accidentally walk in on her while she was changing�"
Josie gasped at the woman's audacity. Under her breath she retorted, "Bitch�"
Despite himself, Sam grinned a little. "My sentiments exactly. And then, instead of wearing one of her famed unisexual business suits, she wore�well, you saw what she wore."
Yes, Josie hadn't failed to notice the black skirt suit with the wicked slit up the side and the jacket that was at least one size too small pulled tightly across her chest. No one with eyes in a three-block radius could have missed her.
"She wore her hair down the way I always liked but she would never do. And she wore the perfume I bought for her one Christmas. She hated it, but she knew it used to drive me crazy. If she was trying to unnerve me to get me off balance, then I can tell you it certainly worked."
If Lara had been able to quickly ferret out and use Josie's own fears against her, she could only imagine how well she could play with Sam's head after five years. The slightest bit of ice around her heart melted at the thought. "She must be one hell of a litigator," Josie muttered grudgingly.
"Oh yeah," Sam answered. "She is. I've seen her at work. She's brilliant�and ruthless. I don't know why I never made the connection before now�" Sam paused, and then continued.
"We sat at the kitchen table to talk about the relationship. She was being so nice, so sweet, so cordial. Suddenly she was again the girl I had fallen in love with all those years ago. She kept saying how much she loved me, was in love with me. She begged me to tell her what she did wrong, how she could make things better for us. And, as usual, she was starting to make me doubt my own convictions; make me wonder if maybe she weren't right�"
"She had me so confused and tied up in knots, I started to think that maybe I was wrong to not give her another chance�"
Tears started to spill down Josie's cheeks again. With a strained voice she asked, "Was this when you kissed her and told her you loved her?"
Sam choked out his response. "No. What happened was that my migraine headache started coming back from the stress. I recognized the signs and it was going to be awful�one of the worst I'd had in a long time� I knew that I needed to keep my wits about me, but as the pain started to build, it just wasn't possible. With the pressure pounding inside my head, I just couldn't think straight."
"My concept of reality gets a bit fuzzy around the edges during and after these episodes and she�" Sam had to stop to swallow his disgust: at himself and at Lara. "She really took advantage of that. She got up and came over, started massaging my neck�"
"Josie�I swear I was going to tell her to stop, but it just felt so good�anything to make the pain go away. And the pain did go away, lulling me into that strange, almost dreamlike state afterwards. I couldn't think at all, couldn't see what it was she was trying to do. I could only feel the blessed relief from the pain. Somewhere in those few moments, her attentions changed from simply calming and soothing to soft and seductive. And in my condition, I didn't notice the difference."
Sam hung his head and let out the tears of shame he'd been trying to hold in. "She lulled me into thinking that�" He stopped, rubbing his forehead with one hand before continuing, "�that it was actually the night we first made love together�"
Josie clapped both her hands over her face so that only her eyes showed over the tips of her fingers. Tears ran over and between them as she tried to hold back her gasping sobs. The image of Sam and Lara together�like that�made her want to shrivel up and die.
Disturbed, overwrought, and concerned for Josie, Sam abruptly stood up and rounded the desk, shoving the seat he'd sat in earlier out of his way roughly. Kneeling on the floor at her feet, he placed a hand on each of her forearms. Holding her so that she would have to know he was there even in her grief, he pleaded with her through her despair, "Josie� No, no� It's not what you're thinking� I didn't sleep with her, Josie�I didn't. Josie�" He shook her a little, trying to break through to her. "Josie�I swear I didn't. Josie, please�"
Dimly, Josie felt Sam's hands on her, heard him beseeching her to listen, but it took several moments before she understood what he was saying. Finding her voice, she asked hesitantly, "You�you didn't? Really?"
Relieved that Josie was listening to him again at last, Sam let go of her arms and leaned back. "Really," he replied. Sighing from the depth of his soul, he tried to explain. "Josie, it never got anywhere near that far. I just wanted you to comprehend what she was doing, what scenario she had created so that you could understand my reaction. Everything she said, everything she did then was exactly what she had done that night, the backrub, the perfume, the words�everything."
"So�" he swallowed hard, his tears still falling, "when I told her I loved her, when I kissed her, when I reacted to her, it was only me reliving that memory. At that moment, I couldn't distinguish between the dream and the reality. It was how I felt about her then, not how I really feel about her now� do you understand?"
Josie wasn't sure how she felt. Right then, she felt numb; as if she were not really inside of herself, but a third party watching herself.
Sam reached up and peeled Josie's hands away from her face. Taking a moment to dry her tears with his thumbs, he then grasped her hands within his own. "I know that what I'm asking you to believe seems pretty far-fetched, but I swear upon my life that it's true. Please, believe me�"
There were too many emotions swirling around inside of Josie: anger, betrayal, pain, fear, insecurity, hope, and love�and she didn't know which one was winning.
Meanwhile, Sam raised her hands to his lips and kissed them, and then held them to his heart. His chest was heaving, as if he too were holding back his sobs, and his heart was pounding furiously. "Josie, please, please forgive me�" he begged in desperation. "I know I don't deserve it. I hurt you so much today. I can't even imagine how badly. But, God, I love you so much; I can't imagine the next two minutes without you, forget about the rest of my life. You're my soulmate; my penguin; my reason for getting out of bed each day. I can't live without you, Josie. I want to spend every day for the rest of our lives making this up to you�to prove that you, and only you, hold the key to my heart, Jos�"
"Please� Tell me you forgive me�Tell me that you still love me, Josie� You must love me. It will kill me if you don't�please�" Sam bent his head in anguish and wept, holding their entwined hands up to his eyes. As the salty drops seeped into and between their hands, he prayed for a miracle.
* * *