warnings: abuse of HP characters in ridiculous situations, "Hints of Slash," medical science
Day 58 Sunday, Challenge Day
Sunday morning goes slowly and without incident. Draco makes a point of measuring his bangs this morning.
Draco(fingers in hair): Non existent. (sigh) Oh well, Professor Snape is right.. Short is trendy.. curt.... saucy -- and, apparently, NOT GROWING OUT!! (turns away from mirror, scowling) I wonder if he used hexed scissors when he cut it.. Wait til I get back to the magic world....
Meanwhile, Snape coasts into the den, where Sirius Black is already planted in front of the television.
Snape(pause): ....... what are you doing?
Black: Watching TV.
Snape: I should like to watch TV.
Black: Well, I was here first, and you were watching it last night. Besides, the news is on.
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!
Snape: hmm.. is it Sunday already?
BigBrother: It is indeed, Professor Snape - Today is Challenge Day, and you are to report to the living room for your new task.
(in the living room, Snape and Black find Draco and Lupin already sitting on the sofa; Draco looks bored as usual, and Lupin smirks. On the coffee table is a small rectangular box with a cartoon of a fat half naked man on it)
Black: This doesn't look encouraging..(reads title) "Operation"? What is this?
Draco: ... something muggle again...
BigBrother: This is your Challenge. Since you four seem on the path to self destruction we thought we'd encourage the process by giving you a frustrating and worthless game to compete in.
Snape: And if we refuse?
BigBrother: YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY EVICTED!
Snape: (frowns slightly)
BigBrother: The winner will receive (dramatic pause) Nomination Exemption. That is all.
Lupin: ok...(opens box) Let's get this over with...
Soon they are kneeling around the coffee table, focused with utmost concentration on the game.. Sirius Black is leaning over the plastic operating table - the cartoon "patient" lies before him -- he is trying to pull out the "broken heart" with tweezers while not touching anything that will set off an obnoxious buzzer... he squints as the sweat drops down his temple..
Snape: ....today, Black.
Black(freezes, except for mouth): I'm trying to work here, Snivellus.
Draco: I don't appreciate the derogatory nickname for my head of house, Mr. Black - who are you to speak down-
Snape: That's enough, thank you, Draco.
Draco: (pouts)
Black(sucessfully extricates broken heart): AH HAH! (realizes it from tweezers, snatches it dashingly as it falls) More fake muggle money for me.
Lupin: I have to confess I'm surprise you're doing this well, Sirius-
Black: What, you think I don't have the attention span??
Lupin: ah.. well... I wouldn't call it "attention span-"
Black: Remus!
Snape: Are you finished bickering?
Black(holds out tweezers to him): Sorry, Snivellus, didn't mean to hold up your turn..
Snape(looks at patient): These muggles have no understanding of the body.. This is pathetic. No wonder their science fails... (shakes head)
Draco: What's wrong with it?
Snape: the Adam's apple is not apple-shaped, nor does it border the jugular notch! (goes to extricate it, nonetheless)
Draco: Hah it's all wrong! Tell me.
Snape: Yes, and there's no funny bone.. it's a nerve..(scowls) and what is this ridiculous wishbone -. we are not turkeys! and this "broken heart"... (snorts) physically impossible is more like it - with the heart so far over, the left cariac notch would take over the entire left lung. And I'm not even going into the realities of "bread basket.." (pulls out adams apple matter-of-factly; lets it fall onto table)
Lupin: hah - I like how he expounds upon the deficiencies of the game while he operates.
Draco: I can't even do it without touching the sides anyway!
Lupin: yeah, neither can I.. not cut out for this sort of thing...
Black: It's all right.. (glares at Snape) You can let the two of us battle it out...
Snape: Not much of a battle. There's only one 'organ' left.
Lupin: yeah.. lets see about those butterflies.. (takes tweezers from Snape; reaches into the patient) ah.... this is tricky....
Black: oh, go on - that's a wide one!
Lupin: i cant-- (twitches nervously - hits side)
Game; BUZZZZZZ!!
Draco: haha!
Black: (snorts) Impossible, Remus..
Lupin: Ah well - not my day. (hands tweezers to Draco)
Draco: stupid butterflies.. what's that all about?
Snape: They're trying to be funny.
Draco: I don't find this game amusing at all. (pushes up sleeve, then delicately approaches the subject.. painstakingly captures the butterflies in the tweezers, then slowly begins to lift - brushes a side)
game: BUUZZZZZZZ
Draco: AGH! (drops it in shock)
Black: hah - let me show you two how it's done (picks up tweezer, pushes back sleeve not without trace of showmanship; reaches into patient, pulls out the butterflies a bit recklessly, but manages not to hit anything) Yep. There you have it.
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES - Sirius Black has won today's Challenge!
Black: Well, it's about time I won something around here.
BigBrother: You are no longer a voting option.
Snape(scowls): Of course..
Black: Don't be a sore loser.... Like You Know You..
Snape: .. He and I do not have as much in common as you think.
Black: I know.
Lupin: SO.. who's up for a game of pinochle?
Draco: No, (stands abruptly) I'm going to finish my very interesting book that Professor Snape graciously lent me.
Snape: I am out of books.
Black: Now whatever will you do?
Snape(deadpan): Knit.
Lupin: hah-
Snape: I may just sit on the rocking chair and watch the birds (stands, glares at Black) or perhaps I should say "sit on the rocking chair and plot world domination."
Black: YES
Draco: I think that's more appropriate, Professor Snape.
Snape: Yes. (sweeps out)
On the back porch, Snape discovers Bertrum, who has been locked outside apparently.
Bertie: meow!
Snape:... Cat.. (picks her up, opens door, drops her inside, closes door) No peace in or out of this house..
Once inside, Bertie heads straight for the kitchen, where Draco is trying to cook lunch. She goes over and meows.
Draco: Oh not again - I thought one of the do-gooders was supposed to be taking care of you now? The Dark Lord leaves the house and everything falls to pieces... Go away, cat (tries to push her aside with his leg) No TUNA FOR YOU!!
(picks up cat, takes her to living room where Lupin is)
Lupin: uh oh - I don't think Bertie wants to play with me.
Draco: I don't care. (dumps cat)
Lupin: That poor cat. She's going to like this even less. I'm trying to clean in here - (turns on vacuum cleaner - it roars into action)
Bertie: (terrified wide eyes, dashes away)
Lupin: hah
Draco(sticks head back in): What's all that noise?? What are you doing?!
Lupin(yells over machine): VACUUMING, I THINK ITS CALLED
Draco: WHAT FOR!?
Lupin: IT CLEANS
Draco: STUPID MUGGLES
Lupin: THEY DO THEIR BEST
Draco: THEIR BEST IS PATHETIC!
Lupin: IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH DISABILITIES!
Draco: THAT MACHINE IS A DISABILITY! I CAN'T COOK!
Lupin: DON'T MAKE ME BRING IT INTO THE KITCHEN! I WILL!!
Draco(scowls, goes back): blasted werewolf..
Lupin(to self): Ah ... Vacuum cleaner, a good weapon for threatening people... Perhaps I will vacuum around Sirius later today...