warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," action/adventure.
day 5...6 Friday EVICTION DAY
Morning dawns ominously; Snape wakes up when a rogue ray of light hits his eye... he grumbles. The birds sing.
Snape: ....mockingbirds... singing at this hour.. bodes ill..
an hour later, Draco finds Snape cooking again.
Draco: Is this for all of us today?
Snape: ... yes.
(Enter Lupin)
Lupin: Oh.. my hash browns are to be replaced with eggs?
Snape: We haven't had eggs since Tonks moved out.
Lupin: heh, they were her department.
Draco: Eggs. Yes, I could stand to have some eggs this morning..
(Voldemort sweeps in)
Voldemort: Cooking again, Severus? Excellent.
(And so the morning continues, Black joins them at 9, surprised to find the eggs all gone - they are all still gathered at breakfast when Big Brother makes the usual Wednesday announcement.)
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES, It's... FRIDAY, eviction day for the week. With a few votes, TOM RIDDLE HAS BEEN VOTED OFF--
Voldemort: WHAT!
Black: HALLELUJIA!
Voldemort: What - IMPOSSIBLE! (stands to full height, raises arms like Moses parting the Red Sea - his eyes, now the tiniest of slits, emit a bright red light-- chants in low, inhuman tone.. Draco ducks under the table; Snape pulls back, reaching for his wand; Lupin and Black dive away and roll behind the counter)
Black(breathless): Remus --! DAY OF JUDGMENT!
(Voldemort continues his incantation - the lamps flash then go out, replaced with red pillars of light as dark storm clouds gather outside-)
Snape(still sitting at table, has calmed): ....My Lord, this is hardly an appropriate setting for the Day of Wrath - might you wait until the final confrontation with Potter for all the theatrics?
Voldemort(interrupts to yell) "THEATRICS"!? INSUFFERABLE! (shoots - from his left hand, no less - a yellow beam directed at the offender; Snape whips out the his wand and the beam suddenly deflects into the counter where Lupin and Black are hiding. )
Black(dives away): DAMN IT, SNIVELLUS!
Lupin(scrambles): HEY !
(The counter collapses, dishes and utensils crash to the ground. Draco whimpers from under the table)
BigBrother: WILL THE DEATH EATER CONVENTION IN THE KITCHEN KINDLY REFRAIN FROM USING MAGIC -- -NOW!!!!!
(Voldemort, chanting Latin again, raises arms toward the ceiling -- both intercoms in the corners explode into flames)
Black: NOW! (both he and Lupin spring up from opposite sides of the kitchen, wands aimed at Voldemort)
Both: STUPEFY!!!
(Voldemort is struck by both simultaneously and stumbles slightly - then throws his head back and laughs)
Voldemort: Not so simple, I'm afraid!!
(Lupin grabs a pot off the floor and hurls it at him; Voldemort turns it midair and shoots it back at him; he ducks, grimacing)
Snape(drumming fingers on table): Now is not the time for this...!
Voldemort: DON'T JUST SIT THERE!
Black: IMPEDIMENTA!
Lupin: DIFFINDO!
Snape(amused): ...every spell in the book....
(the pillars of red light begin to burn and smoke rises as Voldemort manages to deflect the spells)
BigBrother: NO MAGIC!! YOU ARE THUS EXPELLED, TOM RIDDLE!
(Suddenly the water sprinkler goes off, dousing them all)
Voldemort(dripping): WHAT IS THIS FOOLISHNESS?
Snape(frowns): ... muggle technology..
BigBrother: OUT! (the fire alarm, a bit delayed, now erupts into a loud siren)
Snape(glaring): quietus... (tips wand in direction of alarm, it fades into a bearable drone)
BigBrother: YOU WILL ALL BE EXPELLED IF YOU DO NOT STOP!
Snape(to Voldemort): Are you trying to take us all out with you?
Voldemort(still occupied with Lupin and Black): FOOLS! (pulls out wand)
Lupin: Uh oh-
Black(braces self): Remus...
Snape: My Lord, would you go down in history as a sore loser??
Voldemort(turns angrily): ..... come again, Severus....?
Snape(evenly): Isn't there a better time??
Voldemort: ... (seems to consider) This is rather... inelegant, this setting.. (frowns as the burning pillars dwindle and the storm clouds begin to dissipate..he turns to Black) I'll deal with you later. (sweeps out majestically, as water continues to sprinkle down from the ceiling)
Draco(whimper): is it safe to come out now?
Snape: Yes.
Draco(crawls out; looks about room, trying to recover some dignity): Well, it certainly looks like the Armageddon in here..
(The counter lies in ruins, accentuated by random pots and utensil; the lamps and lights are blown out; the remains of the intercoms hang from the ceiling, smoldering. The floor is covered in ominous burn marks and other objects that weren't weighted down. Black and Lupin stand on opposite ends of the kitchen, they look as if they've both just barely escaped being run over by a train)
Snape(ironically): Perhaps we'll be having just peanut butter and jelly for dinner tonight..
Draco: (shudders)
The rest of the day is spent cleaning the remains of the kitchen. Draco excuses himself on the claim of "much needed psychological regenerative nap." The other three are left to argue amongst themselves.
Black(picking up pots): I didn't see YOU doing anything--
Snape(scowls): Nothing at all - only stopped him from tearing about the entire house.
Lupin(mopping floor): Yes, thank you, Severus.
Black: Don't THANK him! He nearly killed us!
Snape(scrubbing stove area with towel): If I had wanted to kill you, Black, I wouldn't have sent that curse into the counter!
Black: Good cover for a bad shoot!
Lupin: Stop arguing, you two - you're worse than the kids!
Snape: I won't remind you that curse was aimed at me originally...
Black: Why do you bother? Dumbledore isn't here to be fooled by your conspiracy anymore!
Snape(glares): I didn't mean to suggest that I was trying to save you. He doubts my loyalty as much as you do.
Lupin: But.... you ARE on our side, correct?
Snape: Whatever I say you'll take for a lie anyway. (throws down towel, storms out)
Black: See? No direct answer!
Lupin(frowns): ... no, but you should stop willing him to be a spy for Voldemort -- you might just will it into reality.
Black: What, are you suggesting I'm imagining all of this?
Lupin(lowers voice): I'm suggesting that if he's not already working for Voldemort, this continual heckling may very well send him right back to him!
Black: ... you have too much faith in him.
Lupin: It's just the four of us now.. things should calm down - if you let them.
Black: all right, all right.. (scowls at his work) But I'm not eating anything he cooks.
Upstairs, Snape finds Draco awake and looking through the closet in Bedroom Number Two. Snape glares, stands in the doorway imperiously.
Snape: Mr. Malfoy... what are you doing?
Draco(spins around): Uh... just - hi Professor Snape
Snape(approaches): What .. are you doing..?
Draco: I was looking for .. a book to read.
Snape: Without my permission?
Draco: You were busy - I didn't want to interrupt--
Snape: Even Lupin asks first.
Draco: I -- (suddenly insulted) Don't compare me to that fleabag! I thought you would not be insulted, dear Professor, but as you are, just know that I did not mean to offend you (sweeps past) and that I do not need to read one of your books right now.
Snape: .... Wait.
Draco(pause): Yes?
Snape: You may take a book. We Slytherins must stick together.
Draco: Thank you.
Lupin: dracosgirl, wacko
Draco: jany03, lupinschic, michelle
Voldemort: padfoot&prongs, NT, urges, violetfemme, ed, jack, ed's cousin, aimee