Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," interior decoration, TheAuthor on medication.
Day 32, Saturday Nominations
With Harry gone, Hermione has officially moved her stuff into Bedroom Number One, a strategically disastrous move according to Sirius, because "Now they're roosting together like sitting ducks!" ("I'm not sure ducks roost, per se." "Shut up, Moony.") But Sirius and Lupin decide to lie low for the time being; Tonks and Hermione are expecting an attack.
Mid Afternoon.
Severus Snape.
With no prank attacks, the household has settled into quiet, and he thinks now it's safe to leave the living room sofa and get himself a snack. In the kitchen, he finds Draco browsing through Seven Centuries of English Cooking at the table. He strolls over.
Snape: Mr. Malfoy..
Draco: Hi Professor Snape.
Snape: Do I have the Malfoy permission to search the kitchen for sustenance?
Draco(looks up, frowning): Now you're just patronizing me, Professor.
Snape: I thought so. (strolls toward pantry) But what is there...?
Draco: I don't know. crackers..
Snape: Disappointing, Draco - I expect you to have cataloged every food product..
Draco: There's some jelly too.
Snape: Whatever happened to your ice cream?
Draco(eyes narrow): I still have it. Hidden.
Snape(searching through pantry): Not in our closet again..
Draco(eyes wide): DID YOU -
Snape: I couldn't help but see it... Draco, there's a pink note in here. It's called "Instant Porridge"?
Draco: (sigh of exasperation)
Snape: What is this? (turns around with bag of Combos "cheese pretzel snacks")
Draco: I don't know. I haven't touched the stuff - bad for you health.
Snape: You're probably right, but scientific curiosity drives me... (exits with bag, plate, and toothpick.)
Draco(watching): sometimes I'm scared that he's my head of house..
Later Voldemort arrives in the kitchen.
Voldemort: Draco.
Draco: They said no.
Voldemort: I'm not asking you to request anything today. It's Nominations Saturday, and we need to rethink our strategy. Where is Severus?
Draco(shrugs): He took some snack food away an hour ago. I don't know if it's done him in or not.
Voldemort(sigh): Come, we must find him.
Meanwhile Hermione is searching for a cards partner, and finds Tonks in the den. She is kneeling behind the sofa.
Hermione: What are you doing??
Tonks: Just cleaning up a bit!
Hermione: cleaning?
Tonks: Yes, though not with any muggle appliances - I learned from Dumbledore's experience that muggle appliances are dangerous!
Hermione: well - you don't have to worry about getting your beard sucked into the vacuum!
Tonks: Did you need me for anything? (head suddenly appears above couch) DID THEY ATTACK?
Hermione: No, no - all quiet on the western front.
Tonks: Ok. I was thinking actually - we should rearrange some of this furniture.
Hermione: Sticky note it?
Tonks: Not.. necessarily.. Just rearrange it. That would confuse them just as much.
Hermione: Ok.. hehe
Back in the living room, Snape is working on one of the Combos, leaning over and squinting in concentration. He is toothpicking the cheese out of the pretzel. Now there is a mighty accumulation of cheese on the plate - a veritable mountain. Enter Voldemort and Draco.
Voldemort: Severus...... have you lost it?
Snape(looks up): ..Perhaps.
Voldemort(sits next to him; Draco on other side): What - what is this?
Snape: Cheese product.....the pretzels aren't bad.
Voldemort(sticks his finger into the cheese mountain, tastes): agh, muggle food.
Snape(munching on an empty combo): ... yes?
Voldemort: Albus refuses to be voted off. We must adjust accordingly: I suggest we target their weakest link.
Draco: Granger.
Voldemort: Tonks.
Snape(to V): Is she? the only adult female in the house?
Voldemort: (chuckles) I hadn't thought of that, Severus.
Snape: I wasn't thinking of that either.
Voldemort: But if we get rid of Miss Granger, Draco will be the only youngster left..
Draco: I can manage.
Voldemort: It's settled. And Severus, get rid of that disgusting fake cheese before it hurts someone..
Snape: Why do you think I'm gathering it?
Black and Lupin are lounging on the back porch. It's a slow afternoon..
Black: I miss our jacuzzi.
Lupin: It turned Draco's hair green.
Black: We should find another way to do that.
Lupin: I don't know.. paint?
(Dumbledore opens the door and sticks his head out)
Dumbledore: Hello.
Black: Hi Albus
Dumbledore: I hope you are not suffering too severely from the loss of Harry...?
Black: He'll be ok. I'm going to avenge him.
Dumbledore: I discovered.... what may be a more immediate cause for revenge..
Lupin(sits up): What? Uh oh-
Dumbledore: Your den..... (leaves them with an intrigued expression)
Black: what - where's he going!?
Lupin: Let's investigate. (exeunt)
The den is hardly recognizable, even though nothing has been added or removed. Black and Lupin freeze when they enter-
Black: WHAT!
(The welsh dresser is in the far left corner, with the sofa cater-cornered before it. The octagonal coffee table sits against the far wall, sticking out on seven sides, and not remotely close to the sofa. Where the coffee table should be is a little dresser, which forms a sloppy triangle with two arm chairs. The chairs do not face the sofa, and the brackish red rug which had sat innocuously under the coffee table now threatens anyone who enters the room.)
Lupin: ..... what???
Black: LOOK WHERE THEY PUT THE SOFA!
Lupin: HAHA! right in front of your liquor cabinets!
Black: Agh - no sticky notes even!
Lupin: I know why.. (pulls out the pad of pink)
Black: Ah crafty - where'd you get them?
Lupin: Visit to their room paid off - I thought Hermione'd be there, but when she wasn't....
(Black turns the arm chairs around so they face the sofa again; stands back to observe the mess.)
Black: this rug.. (shakes his head)
Lupin: yeah, it's .. kind of bright-
Black: Put the coffee table back over it and no one will notice. (they switch the dresser and table)
Lupin: You'd think the girls would know better how to do this.
Black: But Remus - I don't think we could have done this badly if we tried! This is intentional. This is TALENT..
Lupin: 10-4?
Black: shhh - help me move this bloody sofa!
Late night - all four residents of Bedroom Number Two are in their beds, but no one is asleep yet. Snape is reading (from African boomslangs to a thin informational pamphlet "10 Ways to Brew Veritaserum in Half the Time"); Draco is in front of the mirror applying hair care products, and Lupin and Black are sitting on Black's bed plotting.
Black: No, no, just a ladder will do -- DRACO - can you turn that light this way??
Draco(leaning in front of dresser/mirror): I can't, I need it.
Black:What are you doing that for NOW? You're about to go to bed!?
(knock at door)
Snape: Enter!
(Hermione and Tonks stick their heads in)
Hermione: GOOD NIGHT GUYS!
Black&Lupin: GOOD NIGHT!
Draco: Oh go to bed!
Hermione: hah! Products even NOW, Malfoy?
Draco: Shut up, Granger
(the girls disappear, leaving the door slightly open)
Snape(muttering): slumber party....
Black: Ok... (glances around at door, whispers) ya think they're trying to spy?
Lupin: Probably- (they wait, listening)
(suddenly a high pitched scream- and another)
Black: What--??
Draco(turns around): What'd you do??
Lupin: hah - nothing I've heard about - Sirius?
Black: I have no idea what they're up about-
(Suddenly Hermione and Tonks appear at the door - they are both glaring and brandishing toothbrushes and toothpaste tubes. They stalk into the room up to Black and Lupin.)
Black: What was that all about?
Hermione: this is disgusting! (holds the tube next to Black, squeezes - orange cheese product squirts onto his shirt)
Black: Agh! Ew-
Lupin: haha (Tonks squirts him) Hey!
Draco: (recognizes the cheese - looks at Snape, wide-eyed)
Snape(glances up from reading; manages to look bored): What is all this?
Tonks: Look what those devils did. put... some - it was cheese, right, Hermione?
Black: We didn't do it! You know we'd admit to it.
Hermione: MALFOY..
Draco: What!? Do you think I'd touch that stuff!?
Tonks(frowns, folds arms): well.... what - Dumbledore??
Hermione: I don't..
(Lupin has been watching Snape closely.)
Lupin: Severus--
Snape(clears throat, addresses the girls): I don't see how you two can support barging in here and accusing people when you have no evidence--
Black: HAH! That's goo-
Lupin: sh-
Snape(sharply): I had evidence, Black...
Black: Oh-
Snape: But that is not relevant. (to Tonks, Hermione) You are wasting our time. At this hour it is not even amusing to see you make such fools of yourselves.
Hermione: (bites lower lip)
Tonks: What - it's the natural assumption to make! Who else would have done it - YOU?
Snape: ..... 10-5.
Tonks: ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lupin: AH AHAHAHH!
Draco: Hahahah!!
Black(trying to remain righteously offended): well - .. yeah... (starts to laugh)
Hermione: Oh my goodness! (storms out; Tonks follows)
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES - IT'S STILL SATURDAY - YOU STILL HAVE TO NOMINATE!
Black: oh right.. diary room - let's go.
Saturday Night Nominations:
Black: I'll give two to Voldemort before Draco asks for Head of Household status... oh wait.. Maybe I'll give two to Draco so he can't ask.. Or Snape, though I'd like to see him suffer.... Damn.. Ok eeny meeny..(counts on fingers) Two to Voldemort, one to Draco.
Dumbledore: I don't think old Tom's about to be voted off.. So random selection brought up Sirius for two and me for one. (chuckles) I don't know how I do it.
Hermione: Voldemort! How long have we been nominating him!? Then one to Snape.
Lupin: I have to admit.. the cheese in the toothpaste was pretty good.. So two to Voldemort and... one to Draco.
Draco: Granger for two then... hm.. Lupin for one. He's too smug.
Snape: Granger and then Black.
Tonks: Voldemort and Snape.
Voldemort: I nominate Miss Hermione Granger for two points, audience.. And then for one... Nymphadora Tonks.
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A/N: Interesting mix today, eh? Everyone got at least one piont, but the nominees are Voldemort (8pts), Hermione (6pts), and Sirius (3pts). Dumbledore's Random Selections are getting to be dangerous! I'm thinking about trademarking them as something to go along with Murphy's Law... ;-}