Breakfast at the house is quite the undertaking, since no one is used to cooking without magic. Most housemates gather round the big kitchen table; Harry next to Dumbledore who sits next to Voldemort, tall and black-robed and impossibly thin, with red slits for eyes; but no one seems to mind. Ron and Hermione sit on stools at the counter while Lupin, Black, and Tonks attempt to make breakfast. Black is trying to figure out the coffee maker while Lupin clumsily pours pancake batter into a pan at the stove. Tonks is counting eggs in the refrigerator. Those at the table watch in amusement.
Lupin(wearing apron): At least Big Brother gave us the proper cooking supplies?
Black: Such an optimist.. They didn't give us any instructions on using them!
Voldemort(from table): I'd tell you how, but coffee makers are a bit after my time.
Black(snorts): We don't want poison coffee anyway
Umbridge(to Voldemort): Oh, are you skilled in the affairs of muggles? -- I'm sorry we haven't met yet - I'm Dolores Umbridge.
Voldemort(straight faced): Freddie Mercury (they shake; Umbridge smiles stupidly while Hermione and Harry exchange confused looks)
Hermione(to Ron): Maybe he didnt die, he's just been hiding in the muggle world all this time??
Dumbledore: That's Tom Riddle, Dolores.
Voldemort(nonchalant): But my friends call me the Dark Lord.
Umbridge(goes white): uh......
(from the other side of the kitchen there's a shriek then a shy chuckle)
Tonks: AH! Remus! My head is not the pancake plate!! (there is a floppy-looking pancake in her hair)
Lupin(gives her the lost little boy look): It was stuck?
Tonks: oh all right - you need to move over anyway. We're having scrambled eggs.
Black(has given up on percolator): damn coffee. HARRY!
Harry(at table, immersed in conversation with with Draco about hair care products): So that's what conditioner does- then they have gels that they put in to make it stay or go in different directions -
Draco: This is all very tiresome. How much time does that take?
Harry: (shrugs)
Black: HARRY! I need help with this coffee maker.
Harry: Why aren't we having tea?
Black: ... uh...
(uncomfortable silence; Dumbledore's eyes twinkle obnoxiously)
Lupin: Because there is too much going on at the stove already.
(sighs of relief all around)
Harry: Right - here I come. (goes to help)
Lucius(to Voldemort): Have we seen Severus this morning?
Voldemort: I haven't - and I suppose you haven't either.
Lupin(to Black): Maybe he's stuck too. (they snicker)
Tonks: What's all this conspiring?
Snape(walks in): I hope you're not making Pancakes, Lupin - Since all the pancake syrup was mysteriously in my bed last night...
Lucius: Oh... is that why Mr. Black stopped by the kitchen yesterday afternoon to retrieve the maple syrup?
Black: I guess I'm getting sloppy in my old age-
Snape: I'd make a pun about sticky-fingered thieves, but it's too early for that. (sits moodily in the empty chair between Umbridge and Draco).
Voldemort: And what do you say about all these do-gooders making breakfast this morning, Severus?
Snape(looks back to kitchen, where Tonks and Lupin are flipping eggs and pancakes at the stove, while Harry and Black are staring at the coffee maker in consternation): Albus had better try the food first.
Harry(scratching head): It won't even light up - is this thing plugged in??
Black: Plugged in??
Harry: (sigh) Sirius! (plugs in coffee maker; it lights up and grumbles cheerily) O-K. (returns to table, where Lupin is already serving the first pancakes to Dumbledore)
Lupin: Are you sure you want to try these, Albus? No magic to help you in case they're terrible..
Dumbledore: Oh, we'll play it by ear.. (tastes - everyone watches with bated breath; he chews thoughtfully; goes for another piece) Nope, not bad at all. I'm afraid you won't get out of cooking that easily, Remus.
Umbridge(tugs gently at Lupin's apron as he goes by): Ah, Remus, is it? You never did introduce yourself yesterday, and you cook too - that's always charming - I love the apron
Lucius: Yes, he could be taken for a regular house elf with that apron.
Draco: ' Ought to keep it, it's in better condition than his usual robes.
Lupin: I'm sure I could start a new trend in wizard's fashion.. muggle aprons
Draco: On second thought..
Umbridge: - hem! I think it's perfectly charming
Black(stands threateningly over Lucius Malfoy with the coffee pot): BLACK or white??
Lucius(glares over shoulder): White, of course.
Black: Cream's in the refrigerator. (without pouring any coffee for Lucius, he moves on to Umbridge) And you, Miss Umbridge?
Umbridge: Well, I usually drink it white-
Black: Right! (moves on)
Lupin(calls over): Black for me
Black: I know
Tonks: How do you like your eggs, Professor Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Cooked, I suppose
Voldemort: Freeze-dried
Dumbledore: That's enough from the peanut gallery..
(breakfast goes on with no further incidents)
Umbridge is sitting in the living room, trying to knit with the supplies she has found. It seems appropriate for her frumpy appearance and pink sweater. However, she is having difficulty...
Umbridge: ohh! These are so tricky! How can muggles do this for fun?? (makes a knot) Hmph!
(Voldemort swoops in majestically.. then stands in the middle of the room looking rather bored. Umbridge looks up nervously, the high pithced voice higher than normal)
Umbridge: ah, hello there... Tom, was it?
Voldemort: Oh, you're knitting - how domestic!
Umbridge: ah.. hem - Yes, I am. Now, I wanted to ask about - about breakfast this morning... When you said "dark lord" - er... (he watches expectantly) You were being.. facetious, weren't you?
Voldemort: Ahhh, Yes - we at the ministry know better than to think "dark lords" and other such hobgoblins exist other than for the entertainment of the kiddies in school... (he winks)
Umbridge(only slightly assured): Ah.. Well! That's nice! And you're an expert in muggle affairs.. Tom?
Voldemort: I don't know how to knit, if that's what you mean. But.. I may know someone who does - these younger generations take a much more active interest in .. muggle affairs. (he sweeps out again; Umbridge is looking quite lost; she accidently sticks herself with one of the knitting needles)
Umbridge: OW! Oh my -
Meanwhile Voldemort heads for the Sun Room but passes Lupin in the hall. He stops.
Voldemort: Ah, Mr. Lupin
Lupin: Er - Hello... Mr. Riddle
Voldemort: There's a damsel in distress in the living room who needs your assistance. (continues by)
( Lupin is trying to process this when Draco comes in)
Draco(the Malfoy drawl): Hey -
Lupin: Yes, Draco?
Draco(petulantly): You have to tell that friend of yours to stop snoring. I'd tell him myself but it's below my dignity. Plus I can't find him anyway.
Lupin(raised eyebrow): Are you sure it wasn't Professor Snape?
Draco(sniffs): I sleep in the bed above him - I'd know if it were him. (suddenly suspiciuos) Maybe it's you... Well, whatever - the snoring must stop. (exits imperiously toward kitchen)
Lupin(has to grin to self): I'm not sure I like this living arrangement...Well, let's see what trouble Tonks has gotten herself into.. ... did he say den or living room? (goes off in wrong direction)
Ron and Hermione are having a contest in the kitchen to see who can stuff the most ice cubes into their mouth at once.
Ron(cheeks bulging, mouth open): i'sss 'ooolll'!
Hermione(spits out four): yes, Ron - they're made of ice! But they melt too - so you have to take them all at once or it won't be a fair fight!
Ron(glares): i ha'e 'i'!
Hermione: What?
Ron: 'i'!!
Hermione: Count on your fingers!
Ron("oh yeah"): hm (holds up 6 fingers)
Hermione: Ok, well.. I can beat that. (opens freezer and begins taking out cubes) 'hey 'RE 'ol'!
Ron: i ''ow!!
(Lupin walks past, shakes his head at the kids, continues on)
Ron: 'oo 'ol' (spits out the cubes - the remains of 6 can indeed be seen. He looks at Hermione) haha your lips are blue!
Hermione: (scowls)
Ron: I guess mine are too then
Hermione(nods): -- 'eyyy - 'a'e you e'err 'i'e' wi'' 'umb 'i'' 'efor'??
Ron: huh??
Hermione(spits out cubes): I Said, "Have you ever kissed with numb lips before?"
Ron(wide-eyed): uhh?
(Hermione grabs him in hot embrace and presses her lips to his - they fall back against the counter with --)
TheAuthor: CUUUT! CUUUTTT!! This is not an Alfonso Cuaron production!! --
Hermione: (spits out cubes) If you're really concerned about your blue lips, you can always borrow Umbridge's gigantic roll of red lipstick - she'll never notice..
Ron: err. I think that's all right, Hermione.
Lupin has reached the living room, fully expecting to find Tonks in some sort of trouble. He finds Umbridge kintting instead.
Lupin: -? (quick! hasty exit needed)
Umbridge: Ah, Remus-
Lupin(too late): Ah - hello - ... Mr. Riddle said you were in trouble?
Umbridge: Yes, do you know anything about this? (holds up knitting)
Lupin: No, actually - he must have mistaken me for someone else. I think you should ask Harry.
Umbridge: oh no, I wouldn't expect him to know anything about it.
Lupin: He's been living with muggles the longest, though-
Umbridge(puts knitting down): I dont think it's really that important anyway - I'd like to hear more about how you learned to cook so well-
Lupin(looking for exit): Oh.. it's nothing - I - pancakes are easy enough..
Umbridge: Why don't you sit down? (gestures toward a chair)
Lupin: I- (Suddenly Hermione's frantic voice rings out: PROFESSOR LUPIN!! RON'S GOT HIS TONGUE STUCK TO THE FREEZER!!!) - ah? That cant be pleasant - I'd better go investigate! - (gives her a conciliatory smile, which she blatantly misinterprets; exits)
Later, Harry is staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, making strange faces (ala Peter Lorre in M.)
Harry: Now is the perfect time for an angst-filled monologue about my inner conflicts and responsibilities-- (Voldemort walks in) - or not...
Voldemort(stops suddenly, robes swishing about threateningly): Potter.
Harry: Voldemort.
(Voldemort's eyes narrow into the tiniest of lines, while Harry's scar begins to alternate between a dark red and pitch black..they glare at each other, winds begin to rustle then intensify - the lights dim -- Enter Black)
Black: Hey ! - -Hey!! What is this!? No death matches and/or confrontations of doom in the men's restroom! Take this outside! (everything returns to normal as Harry bashfully looks aside and Voldemort dutifully inspects the hem of his robes) On second thought, don't take it anywhere - Big Brother will have you both expelled! Now are you two quite finished? Can't a fellow have a little privacy around here? (the other two exit) Honestly.. (chuckles) It'll be a miracle if any of us survives the first week...