ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Attachment is a special bond between parent and child; a feeling that draws you magnet-like to your baby; a relationship that when felt to its deepest degree causes the mother to feel that the baby is a part of her. This feeling is so strong that, at least in the early months, the attached mother feels complete when she is with her baby and incomplete if they are apart.
We will often use the term mother-infant attachment, not to exclude the father, but because, at least in the early months, in most families the mother- infant attachment is more obvious. This does not mean that a father can't become deeply attached to the child, but it often seems to be a different type of attachment � not less or better than the mother's, just different.
Attachment means that a mother and baby are in harmony with each other. Being in harmony with your baby is one of the most fulfilling feelings a mother can ever hope to have. Watch a mother and baby who are attached (in harmony) with each other. When the baby gives a cue, such as crying or facial expressions, signifying a need, the mother, because she is open to the baby's cues, responds.
Initially, her responses may be a bit strained and not always what the baby needs. But as the mother-baby pair rehearse these cue-response interactions hundreds of times, after a few weeks or months into parenting this cue-response relationship becomes more natural and harmonious. The baby begins to anticipate the response that his mother will give and become further motivated to give more cues, because he learns that he will get a predictable response.
Because the baby gives the mother the feedback that her mothering is appreciated, the mother-baby pair enjoy each other more. They get used to each other. One attached mother told us: "I feel absolutely addicted to her" � meaning that the mother feels right when she is together with her baby and not right when separated.
You will know when you get that attached feeling to your baby. When your baby cries and you respond from your heart with a natural and not a strained response, you are attached. When your baby gives you a cue and you respond with a feeling of rightness about your response, you are well on your way to becoming an attached parent.
Excerpt from AskDrSears.com.
Learn more at AskDrSears.com.
Attachment Parenting
Dr. Sears - Attachment Parenting Index
Attachment Parenting International
If you are becoming increasingly sensitive to your baby:
Your baby's cries bother you.
You feel for your baby during colicky episodes.
You are becoming attached.
You are determined to work at developing
comforting measures when your baby is fussy.
You are becoming attached.
You are learning to anticipate your baby's needs.
A facial expression, such as a grimace, precedes a cry.
You respond at the grimace stage
before your baby needs to cry.
You are becoming attached.
Your responses are becoming more natural;
they flow intuitively.
Instead of making a science out of your baby's cries
and going through mental gymnastics
(Will I spoil her? Is she manipulating me),
you naturally act and feel right about your response.
You are becoming attached.
Excerpt from AskDrSears.com.
Learn more at AskDrSears.com.
The Baby Book
William and Martha Sears
Parenting the Fussy Baby and High-Need Child
William and Martha Sears
The Attachment Parenting Book
William and Martha Sears
Adverntures in Gentle Discipline
Hilary Flower (Published by LLL)
MAKES DISCIPLINE EASIER
You probably never thought of these attachment tools, such as breastfeeding and babywearing,
as being acts of discipline, but they are. Attachment parenting is like immunizing your child
against emotional diseases later on. Gina, an attached mother of three, told us: "Knowing my
children empowers me." This kid knowledge becomes like a sixth sense enabling you to anticipate
and control situations to keep your kids out of trouble. Our daughter-in-law, Diane, describes
her experience with this style of parenting: "I know Lea so deeply at every stage of her
development. Attachment parenting allows me to put myself in her shoes. I imagine how
she needs me to act."
1. Attachment parenting promotes mutual sensitivity. At six years of age Matthew would come
to me with a request, "Dad, I think I know the answer, but..." Because our mutual sensitivity
and trust is so high, he knows when to expect a "yes" and when to expect a "no" answer. He
tests me, but knows my answer. The connected parent and child easily communicate each
other's feelings. Once connected to your child you will be able to read his body language
and appropriately redirect behavior, and your child will be able to read your desires and
strive to please you. As one connected parent put it: "All I have to do is look at him
disapprovingly and he stops misbehaving."
2. Attachment parenting produces people who care. General Norman Schwarzkopf once said,
"Men who can't cry scare me." Many of the world's problems can be traced to one group
of people being insensitive to the needs and rights of another group. One of the mothers
in my practice arranged a talk for a group of attachment mothers, and she invited one
of the survivors of the Holocaust to come and tell her story. Commenting on the social benefits
of sensitive parenting, the survivor concluded her talk, "Because of children like these,
this tragedy will never happen again."
3. Attachment parenting organizes babies. To understand better how attachment parenting
organizes infant behavior, think of a baby's gestation as lasting eighteen months - nine months
inside the womb, and at least nine more months outside. The womb environment regulates
the baby's systems automatically. Birth temporarily disrupts this organization. Attachment
parenting provides a gentle, sensitive, external regulating system that takes over where
the womb left off. When a mother carries her baby her rhythmic walk, familiar from
the baby's time in the womb, has a calming effect. When the baby is cuddled close
to his mother's breast, her heartbeat reminds him of the sounds of the womb. When baby
is draped across mom or dad's chest, he senses the rhythmic breathing. Being kept warm
and held close, calms him and helps him control his reflexes. This high-touch style of parenting
with its emphasis on keeping the baby comfortable has a regulating effect on the infant's
disorganized rhythms. Baby knows where he belongs. With his needs for food, warmth,
comfort and stimulation receiving predictable responses, the attachment- parented baby
is physiologically better off. A 1993 study from Virginia Tech compared sleep-wake patterns
and heart rates of breast and bottle-fed babies. The breastfed babies showed more
energy-efficient heart rates and sleep patterns. They were more organized. The researchers concluded: a baby who isn't breastfeeding is like an engine out of tune.
4. Attachment parenting promotes quiet alertness. Both research and our own experience
have demonstrated that attachment-parented babies cry much less. So what do they do with their
free time? They spend much of it in the state of quiet alertness. During waking hours, babies
go through many types of behavior: crying, sleepy, alert and agitated, and quietly alert. Babies
are most attentive to their environment in the state of quiet alertness. By not fussing and crying,
they conserve their energy and use it for interacting. The result is they are more pleasant
to be with. Because a responsive parent takes time to enjoy the baby when he is in this state,
the baby is motivated to stay in the state of quiet alertness longer.
5. Attachment parenting promotes trust. Being in charge of your child is an important part
of discipline. Children need to know that they can depend on their parents not only to meet
their needs but also to keep them on the right path. Authority is vital to discipline, and authority must be based on trust. It is crucial for baby to trust that he will be kept safe.
An attachment-parented baby learns to trust the one person who is strongly connected
to him. When an infant can trust his mother to meet his needs, he will also look to her
to help him behave.
6. Attachment parenting promotes independence. If you are wondering whether attachment
parenting will make your child clingy and dependent, don't worry. Attachment parenting
actually encourages the right balance between dependence and independence. Because
the connected child trusts his parents to help him feel safe, he is more likely to feel secure
exploring his environment. In fact, studies have shown that toddlers who have a secure attachment
to their mother tend to adapt easier to new play situations and play more independently
than less attached toddlers.
7. Attachment parenting promotes intimacy. Attachment-parented kids have a look
about them. You can spot them in a crowd. They are the persons looking intently
at other persons. They seem to be genuinely interested in other people. I love to engage
these children in visual contact because they are so attentive. The reason these kids look
you straight in the eyes is they have grown up from birth being comfortable connecting
to people, and they connect appropriately. Their gaze is not so strained or penetrating
as to put off the other person; nor so shallow as to convey lack of interest. It's just
the right visual fix to engage people and hold their interest.
Much of a child's future quality of life (mate and job satisfaction) will depend on their capacity
for intimacy. Therapists we interviewed shared that much of their time is spent working
with persons who have problems with intimacy, and much of their therapy is aimed
at reparenting their patients. Because connected kids grow up learning to bond
with people rather than things, they carry this capacity for intimacy into adulthood. Many
a nights I watched two-year-old Lauren inch over and snuggle next to Martha in bed.
Even at this young age Lauren is learning a lifelong asset�the capacity for feeling close.
8. Attachment parenting builds better-behaved brains. The developing brain of an infant
resembles miles of tangled electrical wire called neurons. At the end of each neuron tiny
filaments branch out to make connections with other neurons, forming pathways. This is
one of the ways the brain develops patterns of association.: habits, and ways of acting
and thinking, in other words, organization. Attachment parenting creates a behavioral
equilibrium in a child that not only organizes a child's physiology but her psychological
development as well. In a nutshell, attachment parenting helps the developing brain make
the right connections.
The unconnected child, however, is at risk for developing disorganized neurological pathways, especially if that infant has come wired with more than the average share of disorganized
pathways. This child is at risk of developing behavioral problems later on, namely hyperactivity, distractibility, and impulsivity � features of an increasingly prevalent "disease" in childhood
(and now adulthood) � attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A person's brain grows
more in the first three years than anytime in life. Could the level of nurturing during those
formative years affect the way the behavioral pathways in the brain become organized? We
believe it does, and we also believe that research will soon confirm that many later child
and adult behavioral problems are really preventable diseases of early disorganization.
9. Attachment parenting helps you discipline the difficult child. This style of parenting is
especially rewarding in disciplining kids we call high-need children. Sometimes parents
don't realize until their child is three or four years of age that they have a special child
who needs a special kind of discipline (for example, a hyperactive child, a developmentally
delayed child, or a temperamentally difficult child). By helping you shape your child's
behavior and increase your sensitivity to the child's special needs, attachment parenting gives
you the right start that increases your chances of having the right finish. Connected parents
have a headstart in disciplining high-need children because they are sensitive to their
child's personality. The connected high-need child is easier to discipline because he is more
responsive to his parents. One of the reasons temperamentally difficult children are
difficult to discipline is they are disorganized. As we discussed earlier, attachment
promotes organization. In fact, studies comparing the long-term effects of early parenting
styles on a child's later development show that attachment parenting (or the lack of it) most
affects the character trait of adaptability (the ease with which a child's behavior can be
redirected to the child's and parents' advantage). Adaptable children are better prepared
to adjust to life's changing circumstances. They learn to accept correction from others and
eventually correct themselves. Some children are born puzzles. Attachment parenting helps
you put the pieces together.
10. Attachment parenting encourages obedience. The real payoff of attachment
parenting is obedience. To "obey" means "to listen attentively." This style of parenting,
besides opening up parents to the needs of their baby, also opens up the baby to the
wishes of the parents. The universal complaint of parents is "My child won't mind." Think
about this term "to mind." What does it mean? As a child normally goes from
dependence to independence and searches for an identity, the child minds his own mind. So,
your child is minding, but he's minding his own mind and not yours. How compliant your
child is depends upon your child's temperament, which you can't control, and the depth of
your parent-child connection, which you can influence. Because your minds mesh, the
connected child is more open to accept your redirection and switch from his mindset to yours
and to listen to you instead of being closed to you. The connected child trusts that his mother
knows best. The attached child wants to please.
Even the iron-willed child bends to the will of the mother or father who operate
on the parenting principle "The stronger my child's will, the stronger must be my connection."
It is this connection that gives parents confidence. Wanting to please and trying to obey are
the behavioral trademarks of the connected child. Nancy, the mother of a high-need baby,
now a strong-willed four-year-old volunteered: "Initially attachment parenting took more
energy and was less convenient. Now caring for Jonathan is easier because discipline flows
naturally between us. I'm finally beginning to cash in on my investment."
Excerpt from AskDrSears.com.
Learn more at AskDrSears.com.
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