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The Earring Story, from Fall 1998

by Tom Taylor ([email protected])
www.geocities.com/natlgeo
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This really really happened to me the other night...

Ok,

So, I had this date the other night, right? Well, I was still feelin' kinda
low-key from drinkin' beer and tequila the night before, and getting sick as
a result of on Saturday afternoon. So, the mood was set for a
low-intensity date. We were gonna get a bottle of wine, and just kinda hang out, then
go walk on the beach.

Well, I went to her house, and we talked a while. We were laying
(lying?) on the bed (clothes on, mind you - even shoes!), just kinda hangin' out and
what not, with some kisses here and there....anyway, at one point, she was kissing my
neck and behind/on my ear - which makes me drool and forget my name.

Anyway, so, I was laying back and she was to one side of me, kind of leaning
towards/over me. It was a simple act to reach up and kiss her neck and ear - which I
was did. Rather well, I might add. Too well, as it turns out. Apparently,
I had this nibble/kiss thing going on on her earlobe...remember my
position?....well, somehow, suddenly, her earring came off and dropped
down my throat. I immediately sat up and tried to cough, since it was stuck way
way in the back of my throat. Then I swallowed it. Yes, that's right. I
swallowed her freakin' earring. It was a 1/2-inch nickel/silver ball with a
1/3-inch stud. Really. I told her what happened, and she began looking all around
the bed for the earring...I told her "Really, don't bother looking. I'm serious -
it went down my throat." After some discussion, I decided I would go outside
and make myself throw up (ala finger stuck way down throat). So, I got
to throw up twice in one day. How nice. Anyway, I chunked a few times.
Shrimp and french fries, but nooooo earring. So, I went back inside, got the
phone book, and called Poison Control. At that time, I underestimated the
size of the earring at 1/4-inch (due to embarrassment??) Anyway, the lady asked
me a bunch of questions (size, metal, when, etc), said I should be okay, and
to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, as well as a lot of fiber over the next
3-4 days. I ended up having seven bowls of Bran Flakes in twenty four hours.
Anyway, she said I should call a doctor if I have any abdominal pain in the next
3-4 days, and that it should safely pass in my 'stoo' (she had an accent which
eliminated the use of the letter "L".) The best way I can describe how I felt the next
few days is like this: You know how when you are in bed, alone in your house at night,
you hear house settling noises, and you think "What was that? Was that something?"
Well, my stomach was like that house. Everytime I felt a twitch or twinge, I thought to
myself "That was the earring. It's going to poke some major organ, and
I'm going to die on the way to the hospital." Fortunately, that never came true.

So, that was my luscious date story from the other night. Medically, this
has not been a good fall/autumn for me. It's barely started, and I already have
one broken toe and one swallowed earring. I afraid of what may happen on my
birthday (weevils in the cake?) or on Halloween (razors in the apples?)...

The good news is that I did not have any flights planned for this week.
Can you imagine the scene I would cause at the airport's security gate?

That's the news from the front.

(Later note: Yes, everything did come out, er, turn out safely. No, she didn't want it back.)

-Tom