Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)- You will find true love today. But it will be to a vacuum cleaner.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)- Luck is not with you. Stay inside today, and be suspicious of anyone trying to be nice to you.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)- Creativity, love and great fortune will come to you during a lighting storm. You won't have very long to use them because you'll be struck by lightning.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)- Cowering in the corner is an effective way to solve any problem.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)- You will acquire the gift of great writing ability. But you'll be stuck writing Star Wars fan fiction and be looked upon as a abomination.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)- Changing sexual orientation will bring new balance to your life and justify your irrational fear of hot girls.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22)- You will be horridly confused as to whether you are really you or a robot programmed to think you are you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)- Take your dreams seriously. Dr. Zauis from Planet of the Apes tell you that the end of the world will come when people are taken over by apes, and that for some weird reason Charlton Heston will travel into the future and establish an ape-NRA.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)- You will find your true mate in this world. You will worship him a deity, but, sadly your true mate will look like Andrew Edelman. Sorry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)- You'll buy the next issue of National Liar. If you don't, grave misfortune will befall a small child in Africa.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)- You'll be that part of that 1% that Al Gore kept on rambling about. You won't get the tax cut, but investments in fuzzy calculators will pay off.