| OOC Theater P4 |
| Posted by Gamis: 'And yea, it came to pass that Cog returned to his Inn.' 'And great was the ruin that it lay in.' 'And Cog was very wroth, for his stores of drink were wasted.' 'And was extremely wroth, for his sinful nude picture of NaShae was as ash.' 'And Cog waxed full wroth.' 'And blood was spilled and heads rolled and great mayehm occured.' |
| Posted by Gerug: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? (Arnor! How many times have I told you to use the door?!) It is the East, and Juliet... (NaShae! Great, the bloody oaf's lost his memory again... :rolleyes:) ... is the sun! Arise, fair sun... (Wait 'til I've had my coffee! :mad:) ... and kill the envious moon... (Do not talk of Dark Frail that way! Forgive me, my mistress, for their improprieties - I shall make them pay...) ... who is sick... (She just has a weak constitution!) ... and pale with grief... (She missed her tanning hours! Get your facts straight, pudding-head!) ...that thou, her maid... (Got that part right, at least.) ... art far more fair than she. (A couple of lousy Charisma points, and everyone compares you to a summer's day...) |
| Posted by Gerug: This week's feature movie is Weekend at Marroc's (With sympathy to Marroc) Fern enters Nobody's Inn. Marroc: puff puff puff 'ow are ye, me boyo? Fern: The words "THIS SPACE FOR RENT" are permanently tattooed on my thighs. Marroc: glug glug glub It pays t'advertise, like I olways told Wealdy. Ain't that roight, Wealdy? Thrown voice: That's right, Mr. Marroc! Fern: Uh... who are you talking to, Marroc? Marroc: Wealdy. Fern: Who? Marroc: Oi, Billa - Fern here is pretending there's no Wealdy! Thrown voice (higher-pitched): That sure is funny, Marroc! Hee hee hee! Fern: :uh huh: Marroc: Careful, Fern - ye'll upset Grack... Fern: Riiiiight. (starts backing out of the inn) Marroc: Easy, Grack - oi'm sure Fern didn't mean ta knock Piper down. Ye okay, lad? See, Grack? Roight as rain! (Fern flees) Marroc: What was that aboot? Ah, never mind - Billa, a beer please. ... Never mind, oi'll get it meself. May as well be alone in this place with the help the lot of you are sometoimes. |
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| Posted By Gerug: We see a small, poorly lit room. A group of people sit in chairs arranged in a circle. group leader: Hello, and welcome to the support group for battered players. Let's introduce ourselves and explain why we are here, starting at my left. Arnor: Hello, my name is Arnor. All: Hello, Arnor! Arnor: My DM had me horribly killed in front of hundreds of witnesses, over a little misunderstanding. Then he had my brought back as the puppet of some angst-ridden sorcerer and erased my memory! group leader: Er, but Arnor, didn't you get your memory back? And didn't you start a relationship with NaShae because of this? Arnor: Yeah, but I'm entitled, see? group leader: ... right. Moving along... Weehawk: Hilooo! All: Hello, Weehawk! Weehawk: How did you all know my name? group leader: Why are you here, Weehawk? Weehawk: My character got into a conversation with a few NPCs, and then a bunch of them jumped me, broke my arm, and threw me in jail to await lashes! group leader: But it says here that you opened fire on them, provoking the attack! Weehawk: But they started it by not taking me seriously! group leader: ... moving along again... Kari: Hello, my name is Kari. All: .oO(Suuuure it is.) Hello... Kari! Kari: You see! You see what he did to me? group leader: Please calm down, Kari, and tell us why you are here. Kari: Well, first my DM left this mark on my forehead... Arnor: Looks self-inflicted to me. Kari: Shut up! Weehawk: Maybe you could try washing it off with vinegar? Kari: I tried that! All: .oO(Suuuure you did.) Kari: Don't look at me like that! He also turned me into a guy! All: .oO(Riiiiiight...) Kari: And then he put a curse on me so that no one would trust me! All: .oO(We've got a looney...) Kari: You see? You see? You're all doing it! Weehawk: Are you sure this lack of trust has nothing to do with your position in a thieves' guild? Kari: That has nothing to do with it! group leader: According to our records, this... curse... Kari: Don't say it like that! group leader: Sorry. This happened because you walked into a dangerous place, even after you realized that you were in over your head. Kari: I had no choice! I was trapped inside! And it's part of the character concept! All: .oO(Uh-huh.) Kari: Stop looking at me like that! group leader: Maybe we should move along... Natala: Hello, everyone. My name is Natala. All: Hi, Natala! Got any cookies for us? group leader: Sorry, Natala, but why are you here? Natala: Well, I got run through by a spear during the attack by the undead, you see... group leader: Oh, you want the Ryo-support group - down the hall. This is the shanks support group. Natala: Oh! Well, I may as well stay here for this anyway... group leader: But you haven't had any run-ins with shanks, except in a couple of OoC sketches... Natala: Yes, but you know they're going to give him ideas. group leader: Good point. Okay, next we have...? Hermy: Hello, I'm Hermy! All: Hi, Hermy! group leader: Excuse me, Hermy, but why are you here. Hermy: My brother Kirby told me that they served pie at these things. group leader: WHAT? Hermy: I like pie. group leader: THAT'S IT! THIS CHARADE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH! The group turns in shock as the group leader begins to change. Shock gives way to horror, and all gasp. All: shanks? shanks: FOOLS! DID YOU THINK I WOULD ALLOW SUPPORT GROUPS IN MY CITY, EXCEPT AS PART OF A CLEVERLY DEVISED RUSE?! NOW, WHO'S FIRST? :evil grin: People rise quickly to their feet, knocking chairs over in their haste to escape. Darkness consumes the room, and screams and evil laughter can be heard. Aria: If I get out of this alive, I am killing my agent! |
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| Posted by Gerug: Somewhere in the forest... Esgir runs into view, a look of terror on his face. Esgir: Gah! Huff... huff... A gnome... has changed the course of evolution... Esgir: I didn't mean it! Esgir continues to run into the forest. ...forever. Esgir: It wasn't supposed to work! Low mooing sounds can be heard, and the stampede of hooves. Esgir: I was joking! The sound grows closer - and then a heard bizaare orc-cattle crossbreeds come racing across the fields, crushing everything in their path. Esgir: Stupid crazy orcs will try anything once! Esgir runs offscreen, followed by the herd. A human form raises an arm from the person's prone position. Aria: First... Esgir... then... agent... dead... so very... dead |
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| Posted by Gerug: Establishing Dialogue Open to another small room - ever get the feeling that Gerug doesn't have much of a budget? - in which we see a young man seated at a desk in one of those balancing acts that just begs for a spinal injury. Suddenly the door to the room bursts open, and Aria enters angrily. The young man flails briefly, then stands. Aria: I want to discuss our contract! agent: Aria, baby, I know it's been a rough start... Aria: Rough start? I got trampled by orcish cows yesterday! agent: We're just building name recognition, you know? Aria: Whose? Yours or mine? Every sketch I do, I mention you! agent: Hey! Whoa! You did not mention me once in "Into the Woods," or "The Reckoning!" Aria: Oh, yes - that was better was it? Boytoy to a bartender and a gnome with a clockwork fetish? Do you know how they speak to me backstage?! agent: Look you got to star with Arturick... Aria: I got to see stars, you mean... agent: Hey, there were those interrogation sketches... Aria: And in those four sketches, I didn't get a single line! I got to go :uh huh: once! You know that speaking parts pay the big bucks! agent: Aria, sweetie, it was your first role... Aria: Weird faces? Gnome support material? Bartender cheesecake? A catch phrase?! You call these roles? It sounds more like a bizaare form of slow torture to me! agent: Ah, you begin to understand. :evil grin: Aria: ... I'm in another shanks sketch, aren't I? shanks: Oh, yes... :evil grin: Honey, I've worked for you! Now, what's your line? Aria: I'm going to die, aren't I? shanks: You wish. :evil grin: |
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| Posted by Gerug: A dinner scene. Daron Haldar: Whut are ye doin' with muh gurrl? Natala: Now, now, Daron, it's not what it seems! Kywyn: .oO(Well, no, but I was...) Natala: Kywyn, if you finish that thought bubble, I'll let Daron here demonstrate his own special brand of reading on you. Kywyn: .oO(She is good at this.) Natala: Now, Daron, what are you hiding behind your back? Daron: (looking like a big child caught with his hand in the cookie jar) Nothin'... Natala: Daron, I can see right through you, if I want to - now, hand it over... Daron produces his flowers. Natala: Oh, they're lovely! And don't even start that next thought bubble, Kywyn... Kywyn: ... |
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| Posted by Gerug: Hermy (voice only): Today, a special look at the women of Garic's City with your host, Gerug! (Hermy casts Gerug Summoning VII.) Gerug: .oO(One of these days I will figure out how he does that.) Hello, and welcome to my show. Tonight, we will be meeting the women who move this city! Audience applause Gerug: First of all, Tocasia, the... Hermy: She couldn't make it, boss. Gerug: Couldn't make it? Hermy: Her visa expired - political reasons, you know? Gerug: Ahh... well, on to our next guest - Kari! Kari walks onto the stage from the wings, looking warily at the audience. Applauses seems rather forced and is brief. Gerug: Kari, you've developed a reputation as a first-rate burga- ... you're not Kari! Kari: But I am! This is just a curse inflicted on me by sh- Gerug: Don't speak that name! :eek: Kari: Right, sorry - but I'm not a man! I'm just cursed to be one! Gerug: Sure you are. SECURITY! Raen zooms across the stage on a jet-propelled cow, scooping Kari up in a very large butterfly net and carrying her... er, him off stage. Kari: Why won't anyone believe me?! Hermy: (vo) Jet-propelled cow courtesy of Esgir Industries Inc. - If you're going to have a cow, make it an Esgir. Gerug: Moving right along... .oO(Third time's the charm - please let it be the charm)... let me introduce the lovely Miss NaShae! Enthusiastic applause a bit too much hooting. NaShae: Why didn't I get first billing, hmm? Highest Charisma in the city, top draw for a high-class inn... Cog: ... career in photography... NaShae: ... career in... :mad: Somebody get him out of here! What look like a large coat hook descends from the ceiling and snags Cog by the collar, dragging him into the rafters. Hermy: Coat hook provided by Esgir Industries Inc. - serving your sleeping needs since he decided revenge would be sweet. Gerug: Next we have the lady of the forge, mistress of twin blade action, Aria Amberhawk! Aria walks on stage to applause, looking around the audience in confusion. Aria: Where is my Cogsie? He said he'd be here... NaShae: (grumbles) Did you get it in writing? Lousy verbal agreement... Aria: What did you do with my Cogsie, you wicked, wicked girl? NaShae: Girl? By the reckoning of my people, you would be considered barely old enough to be more than a toddler! Aria: I always knew you were slow, NaShae! Audience: Ooooooh... NaShae: I didn't need a bartender's help to get screentime, baby... Audience: Ahhhhh... Aria: I'll give you screen time, honey... (Whips aside her cloak to reveal that she is wearing a portion of female bovine anatomy strapped to her abdomen?) - all over the screen, in fact! Hermy: Esgir Industries Inc. presents the Udder Destruction Mark2, the latest in... HEY! YOU LEAVE MISS NASHAE ALONE! Gerug: Easy, Hermy - I've got it. Ladies, not now. Please, take your seats. I've got to introduce our next panelist - the mysterious Natala! Hermy: She's not here, Boss. Gerug: But... but... I know she's still in the city! Hermy: She said she didn't feel this was a good career move. Gerug: But I've got great ratings! Hermy: She didn't see a future in it, she said. Gerug: Hmmph! Well, I guess that leaves us our final guest, Anastrianna Siannodel - better known to her many fans as The Frail! The Frail rushes in eagerly from the wings, obviously excited to be here. The Frail: Oooh, thank you! Thank you all! I'm soooo exci- (faints dead away from the overexertion). Gerug: :uh huh: Well, uh, I guess this is the time we take questions from the audience... (And I'm afraid this will have to be continued at another time - sorry, folks. :( ) |
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| Posted by Gerug: We return from commercial to the sounds of applause Gerug: And welcome back! I understand that we have a question from the gentleman in the front row... Treble: Hi, NaShae and Aria! NaShae and Aria: Hello, Treble! Gerug: What is your question, Treble? Treble: Why isn't Tao here? Aria and NaShae: ... The Frail: zZZ...zZZ...zZZ... Gerug: ... Hermy (vo): Temporal distortion. Treble: Oh. That explains a lot - thanks! Gerug: Uh... you, sir... Marroc: Why is it that none o' the ladies frequent Nobody's Inn? Hermy: Portions of this program are brought to you by Nobody's Inn - "You can go somewhere else, but we're Nobody's Inn!" Marroc: .oO(Suddenly, it all makes sense - and to think I let Grakk write the jingle...) NaShae: It's such a low-class establishment. Aria: No self-respecting woman would be caught dead there. Marroc: But... but Adelle used te go there! NaShae: Yeah, and I hear she managed to get caught dead somewhere else! Aria: See what I mean? Marroc: But Kari... Aria: That cross-dresser? NaShae: Someone took you for a ride, honey! The Frail: zZZ... Oooh, I like rides... zZZ... NaShae: Somebody hit Cog now. Aria: But he didn't do anything! NaShae: Yes, he did - trust me on this. Sounds of pain can be heard backstage Gerug: Perhaps this would be a good time for another commercial... Cut to commercial |
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| Posted by Gerug: Cue applause... Gerug: And we're back! We've got a few more questions... yes, sir, you. Fern: I was just wondering - what do you look for in a man? NaShae: He must die for me! Fern: Er... you mean he must be willing to die for you? NaShae: Willing? The only way to show willing is to do it! No death, no dice, baby! Fern: Uh... uh... Aria? Aria: Showing willing is enough for me, but there should be something special to it, you know? My Cogsie ran himself through on blades I had made especially for that purpose! :sighs: Diamonds may be forever, but it's harder to remove a lover's personal brand than a wedding band. :dreamy look: The Frail: Teehee...zZZ...dance my minions... dance for me...zZZ Gerug: You, sir, I believe you had your hand up earlier. Small figure, wrapped from head to toe in heavy clothing: Yes, my question is for Aria. Is it... (laboured breathing) true that you were involved... (stops to wipe forehead) with the wealthy industrialist... Aria: :rolleyes: Esgir, I know that's you under there - now come out before you suffocate! Esgir removes two overcoats and a scarf that would have allowed him to bungee jump from Mount Everest. Esgir: Whew! Aria: And you're misrepresenting the whole story! I was just defending you! Esgir: I have witnesses who will testify that you said, and I quote: "Take it off, Esgir!" Aria: No, what I said was, "Get it off me, Esgir!" - and I was referring to your Udder Destruction Mark 1! Speaking of which, you had better get this one off of me right now! NaShae: But it... (Before anyone can blink, Aria has a sword blade against NaShae's throat.) Aria: You do... not! Want to finish that sentence. NaShae: But... but how? Aria: Got myself a new agent. ;) Weehawk: Hiloo! :D Aria: Now, then - Esgir! A short time later,, after a lot of false starts, several loud thuds, and a small bit of screaming from both parties, Aria is relieved of the source of considerable back pain. Aria: Ah... The Frail: zZZ...Feather... heehee... zZZ... whose a naughty kitty?... zZZ... NaShae: Oh, Gerug? Gerug: Cog? NaShae: Cog. The power in the studio dims briefly, and a few screams a sobs can be heard backstage. Aria: Ooh, Cogsie must be testing the new metal chair I helped construct for him! That's so touching! (dabs her eyes with a handkerchief) Gerug: Another question - sir? Ryo: NaShae? NaShae: Ryo? Ryo: NaShae! :love: NaShae: Ryo! :love: Arnor: NaShae! :mad: NaShae: Hey, you only got stabbed! Ryo spent a week in spectral form for me! Kywyn: I could have done that! NaShae: Cold hands do not make you good cryptbunny material, Kywyn. Gerug: Oh, uh, I can see that we have time for only one more question... shadowy figure: I have a question... Gerug: .oO(Uh oh.) Yes, sir, what is your question for the ladies? shadowy figures: The question isn't for them, Gerug. It's for you. Gerug: .oO(Oh boy...) shanks: How long were you going to wait before including me in this sketch? NaShae: Suddenly I can see why Natala skipped out. Aria: Yeah... :( The Frail: ...zZZ...heehehehehee...zZZ... burn, burn!...zZZ... Gerug: Well... shanks: Let me answer the question for you, dwarf - too late. :evil grin: Gerug: Roll credits! Hermy: No characters were spared in the making of this production... And fade to black |
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