| OOC Theater 5 |
| Posted by Aria Amberhawk: *The scene: A small, unfurnished room. A small group of people sit in their chairs, which are arranged in a circle. A banner hangs on one of the walls. It reads "Garic's Anonymous".* <A nervous looking woman slowly stands up and adresses the group. Her hands shake slightly, and her right eye is seen to twitch uncontrolably.> Aria: "Ummm. Hi. My name's Aria, and...um, I'm a Garicoholic..." Group: "Hi, Aria!" Aria: "I...ummm, think I'm addicted to posting, and I want to get better." Moderator: <Smiles warmly> "Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, Aria. Go on..." <Encouraged by the moderator's friendly demenor, she continues.> Aria: "Well...it started out innocently enough, I guess. A post here, a post there...whenever I had a spare moment. I was in control. No problem, right?" <As she speaks, the twitching of her right eye becomes more pronounced , and her speech quickens> Aria: "After a while, after I would post, I would sit and wait for a response. I mean, that's normal, right? Then it got to the point that I would start hitting the "refresh" button every minute, to be on top of the latest posts. Next thing I knew, I would find myself willing to wait longer and longer until someone would respond to my character's posts...I even waited 4 days just for one round of combat! I mean, what if I had left my computer for just a second, and, and when I got back, my character had missed her turn?" Moderator: <In a soothing voice> "You're doing fine...go on.." <By this point, her speech comes out in an almost incoherent babble, as the emotional floodgates are thrown wide open> Aria: "That's when I started loosing all track of time...I would sit at my computer, and next thing I knew, 12 hours had passed! I started calling in sick to work, just so I wouldn't miss out on any adventures! I even blew off my great-grandmother's surprise birthday party, and god knows she ain't gonna have many more of those! I became a recluse, locking myself in my room in front of my computer...only getting up for a few seconds to search for any stray fritos corn chips that might of falled underneath the computer desk for nourishment! I cut myself off from everyone that I cared about! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I WANNA GET BETTER! WAHHHHHHHHHH! Moderator <In a soothing voice, with just a hint of...satifaction?> "There, there. Don't you fret, my poor addicted child. Everything is going to be all right. I'll make everything better..." <She looks up at him through tear-stained eyes...a glimmer of hope appears in them> Aria: "You...you will???" Moderator: "Yessssss. As we speak, your workplace has been reduced to a smoldering rubble. Your parents, siblings, friends and your hamster, "Mr. Floppy" have all been elim...ah, let's just say, they are no longer relevent. You are now free to post on the Garic's City Board to your heart's content!" <A look of pure horor crosses her face> Aria: "You...you did WHAT?!?!?" <The lights in the room go dim...the rest of the support group disappear in a cloud of black smoke. The moderator's once kind visage is replaced by the all-to familiar face of shanks.> shanks: "No need to thank me...I'm here to help, after all. It's what I live for..." *The sceen fades to black as shanks sings the ending lines of "Hotel California".* "...you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave..." |
| Posted by Gerug: A very small room - but it's supposed to be! Really! A female figure is seen lying on the floor. Fern: Hello? ... Hello? I'm escaping now...! .oO(Or I would be, if I wasn't too weak from hunger to stand.) No prison can hold me, Striker! Ah hahaha...hack... wheeze... wheeze... .oO(Forgot how much laughing can take out of you. I'll have to conserve my strength. Maybe I can drag myself along the floorboards by my nails.) ... .oO(Nope. I'm gonna' die, slowly and forgotten.) shanks: Not exactly forgotten. Fern: shanks! At last you've come back to save me! shanks: That all depends on how you define salvation. Fern: Please! Just stop this unceasing trebling! shanks: Oh, come on now - it hasn't been that long! Fern: I've managed to carve the complete screenplay for Spartacus onto the floorboards! shanks: Well, that's... Fern: Including all of the commentaries by writers, directors, and actors! shanks: Well, maybe you have been lying around here too long, and it's time to... Fern: You're going to kill me now, aren't you? shanks: Fern! What do you take me for? After all you've been through, it wouldn't be right for me to kill you! Fern: A number of large and unpleasant looking men crowd into the room. shanks: I've got thugs to do that! Fern: |
| Posted By Gerug: "It was a very simple melody. It went something like..." (to the theme of Gilligan's Island): Just sit right back, And you'll hear a tale, A tale of a tragic crew, That set out from Garic's City, To run some goblins through. They met with a surly elf ranger, Led by Cog, innkeeper by trade, A goblin ambush they then set, By Cog's fine decade, his fine decade. But Redrik he forgot the plan, To capture their leader, But they killed them all save one Lowlife knocked out, To take as prisoner, To take as prisoner. The goblin was of no use to them, A new ambush they laid, With Cog again, Aria too, The barbarian, And NaShae, The elf Darkar, And the rest, I'll withhold 'til I get paid! * * Of course, after pressure from the rest of the crew (and some renegotiation of the songwriter's contract ) the last two lines of the song were later changed to: Esgir, Slagar, Lowlife, Ivan, All heeded Cog and obeyed! Some still refer to that ending as Cog's Fantasy Island variation, however. |
| Posted by Hermy: a small room. Gerug is sleeping on a small cot (Hes a dwarf he does not need a big cot) enter shanks shanks: Gerug stirs in his sleep shanks: ( clears throat) Gerug bolts to a sitting position, a feeling of overwhelming doom over coming him shanks: its about time. Wheres my tribute? Gerug: I'm real busy in RL right now. I don't have enough time to do it. Can't someone fill in for me? shanks: Like who? Gerug: How about Hermy? shanks: ( shudders) The tribute is supposed to be about me! Not pie! Get up and get to work. If I don't get to have a RL then neither do you! Gerug gets up and begins to type. shanks: |
| Posted by Gerug: A traditional small room, a ramshackle booth, a stool on either side of it, and a being of tremendous power sitting behind it. Overhead hangs a sign on which is written DM Auditions - Apply Here. The first applicant enters the room and takes a seat. shanks: NAME? First Applicant: shanks. shanks: ... Your name? First Applicant: Esgir. shanks: ... and what are your qualifications to be DM, Esgir? Esgir: I have insane ideas that boggle the minds of other players and am able to treble them for long periods of time, ducking in and out of the game in seconds. shanks: Hmmm... okay, I wasn't expecting that. Let me get back to you. Esgir leaves, next applicant enters. shanks: NAME? Second Applicant: sha- shanks: If you're going to say "shanks" it will go very badly for you. Second Applicant: Shadow - or Treble, if you prefer. shanks: And what are your qualifications, Treble? Treble: I hurt bards. shanks: I'm sorry, but in Garic's City, we hurt all classes equally. Denied. Treble: But you've only hurt rogues! shanks: That's because you can't swing a stick without hitting one! Believe me - I've been aiming at a fighter for weeks now, but every time I line one up, some damn rogue pops up in front of me! Treble: Well, I guess I'd better be going... shanks: Not so fast, Treble. Can you guess which fighter was my target? Treble: But... but why? shanks: Unlicensed CoF activity. Consider your dire goose cooked. (Raises a very large mallet) Hey, consider your dire pie baked, if you'd prefer... (The mallet descends towards Trebles head... but Hermy appears!) Hermy: I want the job if it offers pie! I... (The mallet flattens Hermy.) shanks: Yes, we know. Treble: .oO(That was too close!) A pit opens beneath Treble, and then slowly closes. The last thing the audience hears before the pit is fully covered is, "Kal! Kywyn! I was kidding! This is not funny!" The screams which follow are quickly muffled beneath the floor. shanks: A DM always has a back-up plan, Treble. NEXT APPLICANT! Third applicant enters. shanks: NAME? Third Applicant: Talleran Roth. shanks: QUALIFICATIONS? Talleran: I performed as a storyteller in the marketplace. And I'm already dead. shanks: WHAT? Talleran: Well, it means I don't have any distractions to worry about. shanks: Hmmm... tempting... Talleran: And this way I get to learn who Striker is. shanks: And you were doing so well... - CERBERUS! A monstrous pink poodle with three heads grabs Talleran in its jaws. Cerberus: .oO(Mmmm...Mmmm...Mmmm...Bone! Bone! Bone! Yap! Yap! Yap!) Talleran: But how? Cerberus is Greek Mythology! The poodle leaves with its chew toy. shanks: Hades was too embarrassed to keep him any longer. BRING IN THE NEXT APPLICANT! Two thuggish men drag the fourth applicant roughly into the room, throwing him down in front of the booth. shanks: Ah, Kari... Kari: I don't want this job! I've already got a DM position somewhere else! shanks: Suuuure you do... Kari: I'm not interested! shanks: Of course you're not... Kari: I... (gets a crafty look) I don't want you to release me, remove my curses, and return me to the game with enough magical firepower to take down the Guild myself. shanks: Nice try. Bruce, Clark - escort the nice lad- Kari: I'm a girl! shanks: - back to Garban, will you? Kari is due for signing lessons... Kari is dragged off by the two thugs, while the fifth applicant enters. shanks: NAME? Fifth Applicant: Jenny. Hi, shanks! shanks: Jenny, why are you applying for this job? It involves sadistically torturing players for weeks on end, until they tearfully beg for you to kill them! You have always been so nice and cheerful and friendly to everybody! Jenny: I know. That's why they'll never believe what's happening to them. shanks: You're hired. |
| Posted by zanderat: 2 Mules for Brother Zanderat: Gerug: chomping on an old unlit cigar butt Let's get this show on the road. Raen: playing with his new sword zanderat: Here kid take a swig of this it will help with your nerves. hands a flask to Raen Raen: Coughs...What is that? Gerug: You don't want to know. Let me have it. Spits and then takes a swig...Ah zanderat: Tally ho. Gerug: That's my line. And it's Wagons ho! Raen: I thought we had mules. Gerug: Here take another sip. |
| Posted by Gerug: Our scene commences with a broadly smiling Daron Haldar standing in front of his guildhall. Daron: Ah, the glorious life of the adventurer! Witness the exploits of the Silver Sword Guild! Last week they aided the city against an undead invasion. Flashback to hordes of spectral forms marching through the city. If you look closely, you can see one in the background carrying a placard reading, "Forgotten but not gone! Over but not out!" Daron: Today they are studying the lessons of animal husbandry. A scene with Hermy being dragged along, his halfling death grip obviously not very helpful. The sound is muted, but you'd swear he was screaming, "Jade! Stop this crazy thing!" Cassius exits the Silver Sword Guildhall, and comes to stand beside Daron, who grips his shoulder in a most gesture of comradeship. Daron: And here's Cassius, who was recently seen trying to explore the sewers beneath Garic's City! Cassius: Yes, truly the life of an adventurer is one of shadows, sheep, and- Daron quickly clamps a hand over the guild mage's mouth. Daron: So bring a sword and come on down! Maybe you have what it takes to be an adventurer! Daron relaxes his grip on Cassius' mouth. Cassius: And if you don't, we can always use the target pra- Daron gags him again. Daron: Practical experience is a bonus, but not necessary. Talk with our professional consultants- Hermy: HI! Daron: -who will help you determine if you have what it takes. |
| Posted by Gerug: Into the Woods Gerug: So why does our cleric have a crossbow? Zanderat: More importantly, why don't my escort have ranged weapons? Raen: I've got a ranged weapon! Gerug: Er, Raen, I've been meaning to tell you - a short sword is not a good ranged weapon. Raen: It's not? Gerug: No. Sorry. Raen: But I've thrown it lots of times before! Zanderat: Does the term "aerodynamic" mean anything to you, Raen? Raen: A lot less than, "Take that, miscreant!" does - I'll say that much. Gerug: How far is this cart, anyway? Zanderat: Not far now, my little sm- The dwarf's staff gently but firmly pushes on the priest's chin. Gerug: I don't think you wanted to finish that sentence. The song was bad enough, thank you. Zanderat nods and the staff descends. A short walk later, and the group comes across a cart. Zanderat: Ah, here we are! Raen: So, where are the bodies? Zanderat: That's odd - I left them right here... Goblin: Here! That's my cart! You lot push off! Zanderat: But... but... where are the bodies that were here? Goblin: All sold out! We should have new stock tomorrow - come back then. Raen: You sold the bodies? Goblin: Hey, there's a good market for dwarf meat, especially when it's been properly tenderized. Say... how much for the one you've got with you? Raen: 75 gold! Gerug: Hey! Zanderat: Raen, what do you think we're doing? Gerug: Yeah! Raen: Sorry, I got car- Zanderat: Dwarf sells for six gold a pound! Gerug: What? You can't sell me like this! Zanderat: Pardon me - you're right, of course. Gerug: That's better. Zanderat: Three hundred gold for the entire dwarf, but you have to buy eight kegs of ale at 50 gold apiece along with him. Gerug: I can't trust you two at all! Look, you (points at the goblin), it's a thousand gold or I walk! Goblin: Zanderat: Now, Gerug - be reasonable! This poor fellow can't possibly come up with that kind of cash on the spot. Goblin: Actually, I have it right here, but- Zanderat turns his crossbow towards the goblin. Raen: Thank you, that's all we needed to know. |
| Posted by Darkar: Darkar: *to the goblins he is fighting* When I get through with you guys your own mother won't recognize you. Goblin #1: Hey that's just wrong elf-boy we are all orphans. Goblin #2 & #3: Yeah! Darkar: B--ut goblins killed the woman i loved you all must pay! Goblin #2: Hey do we look like those guys? Geez, what if I were to say to you all elves look alike. So narrow-minded. Goblin #3: At least you are not in love with her! *points to the witch* Goblin-Witch: I heard that. *shoots a Magic Missile at #3* All: Watch where you aim that thing!!! Darkar: You are orphans and you love lives are worse than mine. Here you guys deserve this! *pulls out a kegger* Goblins: WOW!!! *cry for joy with friend Darkar* Cog: Um... Darkar we are supposed to be killing the goblins not drinking with them. Darkar: Don't ruin the mood.... *ah heck gives Cog a beer* *suddenly Cog's Crew is drinking with the goblins and Darkar hands everyone a drink even Redrik* Redrik: What's this? Darkar: A good time, just chill and enjoy ranger-man. *one by one they all turn pale and fall over dead* Darkar: Ooops! That was the posioned beer, so sorry. Bad, Darkar, bad, bad Darkar. *grins manevolently* Oh wait I am lawful evil. *checks the bodies and gather up all useful equipment and gp heading back to Garic's City* Wait till Marroc sees what I brought him! |
Posted by Ivan: "And it came to pass that the almighty DM shanks, began to refer to himself in the third-person.* goodshanks: I want to be nice to the PCs. All PCs: Yay! badshanks: All PCs must worhsip me or DIE! All PCs: ... goodshanks: Please little PCs, run free! All PCs: ... really? badshanks: NO! Fear and shake! For your deaths shall be gruisome and terrible! All PCs: ... goodshanks: I said run and be free! Now get! All PCs: Oh forget this! *All commit hairy-cary* badshanks: HEY! I didn't say you could kill yourselves! goodshanks: Hey! Now I don't have any PCs to play with! both shanks:: Now you all shall suffer eternally! *All PCs are resurrected, and then killed in very nasty ways, over and over again, each death more nasty then the previous* both shanks:: |
Posted by Aria: An example of how good shanks/bad shanks mind works. Good shanks: As you check the dead goblin for any treasure, you find that the sword it is holding is glowing with a bright magical aura... Aria: Really? Wow...gosh! Good shanks: As you examine the sword more closely...you notice that there is writing on the hilt. It says "+5 Vorpal Sword of Wounding". Aria: Holy cow! Thanks Shanks! *shanks's right eye begins to twitch. His features begin to shift into a more sinister visage...* Evil shanks: Why don't you...ah, give it a try.... Aria: *Unaware of the change that has come over him* Ok! *She starts to swing the sword around* Evil shanks: Oh dear...you just rolled a "1"...a critical fumble. You trip over a blade of grass, falling on your sword, decapitating yourself in the process. Tough luck. Aria: Owie.... |
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| Posted by Aria: The scene...a battlefield. NaShae & Lowlife are fighting for their very lives against the evil goblins. NaShae: *Panting* We can't hold on much longer, Lowlife! We need help, and fast! Lowlife: *Bleeding profusely* It better be quick, or else we're toast! From opposite sides of the battlefield, Aria & Cog come charging towards the beleaguered pair NaShae: Here comes our friends! We are sav...Oooof! *She is knocked down as Aria charges past her, where the goblins pounce on her like seagulls on a french fry in a McDonalds parking lot* Lowlife: Cog! Thank the gods you're her...Arghgle! *Cog tramples Lowlife as he charges past. LL lands on top of his beloved rats, squishing them into rat pancakes.* Aria: Cog! Cog: Aria! The scene fades as our two lovers embrace in a passionate kiss.... NaShae & Lowlife: medic..... |
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