But this one was making him nauseated.

 

------

 

With a sigh, she leaned her head on the cool glass and prayed this afternoon would be a quick one.  The day had started off great and then suddenly had crashed down and the only person she has to blame was herself.  She didn’t know why she got so mad that morning but she did.  She just snapped.  Having a hang over didn’t help matters and having him lay there, clueless and naked did a number on her brain.

 

As soon as she has slammed his door, stomped across the walkway and safely slammed herself into her room, she fell to the bed and screamed into a pillow.  She hated it.  She hated the way he was looking at her and the way she was feeling.  And most of all she hated the way she was treating him and their relationship.

 

It was so hard to just let go and be with him and yet it seemed so easy too, too easy.  The shower hadn’t been fun and neither had the playful remarks from Trace and the annoying affection him and his girlfriend seemed to be flaunting in front of her.  It was like they were tempting her, showing her what she was missing out on.

 

And then when he smoothly trotted down the steps, looking fucking fantastic in his damn grey army cap, a dark side of the moon t-shirt and loose jeans, she knew that it was going to be a rough day.

 

“Got your shit together?” He had said in a rough tone.

 

At first she was terrified he was going to kick her out and said back defensively, “Excuse me?”

 

“You want a fucking job or not?”  With that, she didn’t say anything else and stood up from the kitchen table where she was watching Trace and Elisha feed each other Eggos to following him out to his car.  The drive had been silent except for the annoying sounds of Eminem in the stereo.  She wanted to make a smart ass Vanilla Ice comment or shut it off or do anything to stop it from adding to her headache.  But she didn’t.  She remained silent and his own silence told her he was not in the mood to deal with her.

 

That made her upset.  She knew it was her own fault but dammit, he wasn’t supposed to give up on her.

 

Fuck, she thought.  She knew she was going to have to get over all this drama and treat him like a human and act like an adult.

 

“I’m sorry about this morning.” She mumbled.

 

There was a pause and when she glanced over at him, he was locking his jaw and gripping the steering wheel as they drove down Sunset.  He took a slow breath and said, “You should be.”

 

She wasn’t excepting that.  She was expecting a ‘don’t worry about it’ or an ‘it’s ok.’  But this, this was blame and she immediately put up her defensives. “Look…”

 

But he didn’t want to hear it and it wasn’t just what he said but the look he gave her that hit her deep inside.  “Don’t start.”

 

She rolled her eyes, annoyed with his stuck up attitude.  She was cursing the fact that she hadn’t had any Advil before she left the house.  He was being unfair and being abnormally cold to her.  She knew she was a bitch at times but he knew how to handle her.  He knew not to take her seriously and to let her slide.  It was easier for her to be defensive and have an attitude than give into her true feelings and open up.  It took a whole hell of a lot to open up to him before, to be intimate with him, to be genuine with him and now, now it was like they were having to start all over.

 

It was hard.  Harder than she ever thought possible.  He was tempting and willing to give her everything she wanted and yet she was terrified and not quite sure why.  She was pretty sure she was over the whole Britney incident.  There was something else that was bothering her and until she knew what that something else was, they were going to have problems, she was going to continue to be a pain and he was going to lose more and more faith in her, in them.

 

They were parked in the nearly vacant parking lot of Chi in no time.  There were a few other cars but they all looked insignificant near Justin’s huge escalade.  She sighed when he put the car in park and turned off the engine.  She waited for him to get out of the car before she made a move, but he didn’t and she was forced to turn and look at him. 

 

He was leaned back in his seat, strong, silent, and obviously upset.  He wasn’t looking at her, but instead staring off to the side at something outside the car.  “I’m gonna say something to you and I don’t want you to interrupt.”

 

She rolled her eyes at his authoritative tone.  “What?”  She always hated when he pretended to act so much older than her.

 

“This is my fucking place.” He said, turning to stare straight ahead of them at the entrance of Chi.  “The people in there work for me.  I invested my money into the place and it is my restaurant.”  His eyes cut to her and visions of when she was five and she got in trouble for taking her mother’s cigarettes and breaking them flooded her.  She couldn’t remember why she did that, but knew she was playing some game with herself, some forgotten childhood game that she would never get to play again.  She got in trouble for that and she never understood why her dad was the one to give her a whoopin’ while her mom ignored her and continued to make dinner.  Her mom always treated her like she was an angel, always.  And then she died and for the rest of her life her father made her feel like she was a demon, unwanted and unwelcomed.

 

She hoped those issues didn’t have any part of this whole mess up, cause she knew if they did, this wouldn’t be so easily cured.  Sometimes she thought she needed therapy.

 

He continued on and the more he talked the more that strange feeling of hurt and angry boiled up inside of her, a feeling she was all too familiar with.  “If you even try to throw one of your little tantrums in here and embarrass me, you’re ass is out of my house.”

 

She stared him straight on and was scared when she saw that he was being serious.  But she’d be damned if she let him see her fear. “You’re being a bastard.”

 

“I’m sorry.”  He threw up his hands, leaned his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes.  His voice was full of emotion and she felt terrible when he said, “I’m tired of it Kristen.  I’m fucking tired of it.”

 

“Why did you bring me here today?  Why didn’t you wait ‘til tomorrow or some day when we’re cooled off and not at each other’s throats?” She calmed her voice and was proud of herself for keeping an even tone, without too much anger or fear or hurt or hope or whatever else he was making her feel.

 

“Because…” He trailed off.

 

“What?”

 

“Just…”  He sighed and put his hand on the inside door handle, pulling it so the door popped open.  “Let’s go inside.”

 

“No,” She grabbed his arm and immediately knew it was a mistake.  “You tell me.”

 

He licked his lips and stared at the console in between them, not daring to have the guts to look in her eyes when he said, “The faster I get you working, the faster you get money and the-”

 

“The faster I’m out of your house.” She finished for him, feeling the tears come in her eyes. “Right?”

 

It was official.  He had given up and she didn’t know what to do.  She was lost.

 

“We can’t do this anymore, Kristen.” He sighed.  “I can’t, I just can’t fight with you every second of the fucking day.”

 

“The faster I’m out of your life, the better, right?” She said, trying to control the amount of emotion that was exuded in her voice but she failed and had to sit on her hands because they were shaking so much.

 

“Don’t pull that shit, Kristen.”

 

“But it’s the truth, right Justin?”  She looked at him and was getting pissed off when he wouldn’t look back at her.  He was avoiding her and purposefully not looking at her so he wouldn’t break down himself.  She knew him.  She knew he was upset too but he had to be the man and had to show that it wasn’t fazing him.  That he could just wash his hands of her.

 

He made her sick.

 

“You don’t wanna put up with me.  I know I deserve it.   I know I haven’t been fair.  And I’m sorry.  I’m fucking sorry I’ve tortured you.  What are you gonna do now?  Run back to Britney.”

 

“Fuck you Kristen!”  He said bitterly and she couldn’t hold back anymore and felt herself getting riled up.

 

“No, fuck you Justin!  You know how I am.  You know my personality, you should have seen this when you invited me back into your life.  And ya know what?  I should have known better than to fall for you again.  You’re probably planning out the next time you can cheat on me!”

 

She noticed that someone was coming out of Chi and Justin was staring at him.  This was going to be cut short and she knew that that day was going to be hell.  Trying to be civil with him with other people around, people she didn’t know, it was going to be a challenge.

 

“Do you still want this job?” He asked calmly in a deep voice.

 

She sucked in a shaky breath and let it out saying, “Yeah.”

 

She felt him close and when she looked at him, he was leaning over the console, staring at her with harsh eyes and gritted teeth.  “Then fucking act like it,” He growled and as soon as his fierceness was turned on, it was off.  He hopped out of the car, pasted on a smile and said, “Hey! What’s up Eric!” to the man approaching.

 

She watched them say hello for a moment and after taking her hair from its holder and running her hands through it, she gulped down any emotion that was bubbling up inside of her and slowly made her way out to meet whoever this Eric guy was. 

 

“Is this Kristen?” He asked when she came around to where they were.

 

“This is the little fireball.” Justin said, as he locked his car with his keyless entry.  “This is the head chef, Eric Ernest.”

 

She plastered on a smile and stuck out her hand, saying quietly, “Nice to meet you.”  She had learned how to bull shit a smile during Ozzfest, having to meet with some pretty famous people when all she wanted to do was cry because she missed Justin or punch someone because PMS was killing her.

 

“Likewise.” He smiled.  “You guys wanna come on in?”

 

“Sure.” Justin said and turned to her with a smile saying, “You’re gonna meet the whole staff and then I’ll show you what you’ll be doing.”

 

“Ok.”  She whispered.

 

It was scary to see him like that.  He wasn’t that professional on tour.  He joked around and when any record executives were there, she was never around.  He was emotionally unfazed, detached and only living for himself.  She was a new employee and he was the boss trying to make everyone feel comfortable and make everything right.

 

But everything wasn’t right.  He was giving up on her and she was giving into the possibility that it really wouldn’t work out.  Every argument, every petty little fight came crashing towards her and suddenly she wanted to take them back and go back to the day when they were in his car, making out and whispering how much they had missed each other.

 

But then and there they were still fucked up people who had both made mistakes.

 

If she could she would have gone back to the day she broke his weights, the day she met him and the day her life completely flipped around.  She was so different back then and yet still completely the same.  It was like she had grown up and learned more about the ways of the world but with him, with their relationship, she still resorted back to the days when she didn’t know what to do when a guy liked her but to pick on him, middle school days.

 

She was exhausted and drained and only had herself to blame.

 

And it was terrifying to see that she was going to have to suck it up and admit to herself that this was her fault.  She had given him no reason to want to deal with her, to want to put up with her again, to want to be with her again.

 

It hit her as she walked through the doors at Chi and saw some people at a table, going over some things on some packets of paper.  They looked at Justin with smiles and cheerful hellos and he responded in the same manner.

 

They were over.  They were finished.

 

And the only way she was going to get him back was if she seriously made some changes about herself.  Then, hopefully, he wouldn’t be so jaded by her pathetic manners and give her a second chance.

 

---------

It was late when they got back.  Much later than he had expected.  They had had dinner at Chi and gone over everything imaginable.  She had met all the staff and he was so thankful that she had put on a semi-professional front and been civil with everyone, including him.  They liked her and he was impressed with her even though he knew she was going to have to break out of her shyness if she was going to succeed at her job. On the way home they got stuck in traffic and it was awkward because they were both silent the whole ride.

 

He walked into the door and headed straight for the kitchen.  He grabbed a beer from the fridge, popped the can open and drank half of it down in one long chug.  He watched her as she appeared near his side, walking in front of him and towards the den where Elisha and Trace were wrapped up watching a movie.  He watched her sit down in a chair and ball up with her legs underneath her, concentrating on the TV and not daring to look at him.

 

The day had been hell, utter hell.  They had to try to be decent to one another and he was thankful that she didn’t talk back to him in front of other people and acted normal for once.  But every time he glanced at her, she looked lost, hopeless and defeated and it killed him to know that he was the one who had done that.

 

But what was he supposed to do?  She was dishing back the same defeat to him and he knew that before long there would be an explosion of to upset and weak people, too tired to rebuild anything that was there before.

 

He walked over to one of the barstools against the kitchen island, slid himself on one, set down his beer and leaned his head down on his crossed arms.  He felt tears sting in his eyes and knew he was being a pussy for getting so emotional over this.  He knew how she was, knew how she acted and how she got defensive, but he was tired of it.  She had exhausted him and as much as he wanted to be with her and just say ‘fuck it’ the hurt that she pushed his way, he knew he couldn’t do that to himself. 

 

She had already done a number to his self confidence and with each day she was bitter with him, the more and more his confidence shrank. 

 

“I can’t do this…”

 

“What’s going on?” He slowly moved his head and sat up straight when he saw Trace standing on the other side of the island, looking at him concerned.

 

He glanced into the den and saw the two girls interested in whatever they were watching.  He turned back to Trace and took a deep breath, “She’s ripping my fucking heart out.”

 

Trace stared at him a moment and then turned and said in a sweet voice, “Hey ‘lish?” She turned and looked at him.  “I’m gonna show Justin that stuff we bought today.”

 

“Oh ok.”  He watched them stare at each other for a moment and soon Justin was walking beside Trace, out the front door and towards the guest house.

 

As soon as they were outside, Trace asked, “What’s up?”

 

“I just can’t do it.” He sighed.  “I try my damndest.  I try and fucking try, and she just is still the same little defensive girl.  She won’t give me a break and I know I don’t deserve-”

 

“Stop that shit that you don’t deserve her, Ok?”  Trace turned to open the door to his small place and Justin walked in past him, headed straight for the couch in front of the plasma screen they had installed the week before.  He laid down on it and threw his arms over his face, not wanting to face the world.  “You guys are past that.  This is her problem.  This is her deal.  You’re willing to do whatever she wants and she wants to be a bitch.”

 

Justin sat up and glared at him where he was leaning up against the wall.  “Don’t call-”

 

“But Justin she is!” Trace cut him off. “I love the girl to death.  I think she’s great.  But, but she’s got some issues that are beyond this.  Her attitude is hard to deal with and it’s just getting worse.  She’s got a fucking mote around her and not even you, the one person who I think she’s ever really trusted, you can’t even get to her.”

 

“What the hell do I do?  Just wait around for her to either get over it or never let me in?  I can’t do that Trace.  I can’t just let it all be up to her.”

 

Trace ran a hand over his shaven head and sighed.  “I don’t know what to tell you.  All I know is if you aren’t willing to be patient with her then it’s a lost cause and you two should move on.”

 

“It’s...it’s not that I’m not willing.”  He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead right where he was starting to get a migraine.  “It’s just, what if I wait and wait and wait and nothing ever changes.”

 

“I…I don’t know.”  Trace shrugged.

 

He found little comfort talking to Trace and realized the only comfort he’d find was with her.  He needed a straight up answer from her.  He needed to know if she was ready for him, if she was willing to put their past in the past and move on with her life, with him.  He needed to know he wasn’t wasting his time on a lost cause.

 

Fear seemed to invade his body and he knew that there was a big possibility that she wasn’t going to be worth the pain of waiting around for years, waiting for her to tell him she couldn’t handle it.  He wouldn’t do that to himself.  He wouldn’t just wait around for a promise she never made and would never be able to fulfill.

 

He knew what he needed to do.  He knew that she would always be the same Kristen, the same damned defensive Kristen.  He had broken down her walls before, but then he’d fucked up, and she had rebuilt them stronger and thicker.  And now, now that he was trying to tear them down again, he realized what he had done had put a permanent barrier between them and nothing could break that.

 

He got up and left Trace’s with his friend right on his heels, saying something but he wasn’t paying attention.  He knew what he had to do.  He knew he had to talk to her and tell her that it wasn’t going to work out and that they needed to stop skirting around the issue and pretending to be ok when in reality everything was fucked up and it always would be.

 

He had lost hope.

 

But then, then when he opened his door and saw that right there beside his steps that led upstairs were two worn and ragged black low top Chuck Taylor’s hope was restored.  The image of those ratty shoes by his steps was a sight he didn’t want to be rid of and when he glanced through his house towards the den and saw her sitting there, staring off into space, hurt, broken and dying to be set free, he knew he couldn’t give up on her.  He’d pine away for a damn long time before he gave up on her

 

Despite the attitude and the immaturity and the overly-sensitive defensives she owned, she was worth it.  She was damn worth it and it was going to take her more than a couple sucky days and months apart to finally be rid of him.

-----

 

“You know he loves you right?”

 

Kristen shook her head and turned to look at the girl that was lying under a navy blanket, watching Pulp Fiction.  “What?” she asked.

 

Elisha’s eyes darted to Kristen. “Justin.”

 

“I…I know.”

 

She watched as the blonde reached forward on the coffee table, grabbed the remote and flicked off the TV.  She sighed and sat up a little on the couch.  “I know it’s none of my business but you guys need to just get over yourselves and your past and just enjoy each other.”

 

“What!”  She didn’t know who this girl was, but she was getting all up in her business and it was bothering her that now this girl, who knew nothing about Justin and her and what they had been through, thought it was her duty to give advice on how to behave towards him.  It was absurd and Kristen glared at her, completely pissed off at this little bitch.

 

“Whoa…”  Elisha’s eyes widened and she shook her head.  “Look Kristen, I’m not trying to preach to you.  But God, look at yourself.  You’re almost in tears and Justin looks like he just lost his dog or something today.  You guys need to talk and I mean really talk.  Talk without butting in and getting mad and push away all the sensitiveness shit.  You guys were having fun last night it seemed.  What happened?”

 

Kristen took a breath and realized she had been holding it for a while.  She brought her hands to her face and moaned into them, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

“I don’t either.  But you need to get over whatever this fear is that you have.  Cause that’s what is it.  You’re scared of something.”

 

“What?” She peaked through her hands and was met with a knowing smile.   She felt bad for snapping at her, when she was just trying to help.  She liked Elisha, she had from the moment she met her. She was down to earth and genuinely nice.

 

“Girl, I’ve been down that road a million times.  I have friends that have been down that road and it is so much better if you just push that fear of whatever it is aside and go for it.  That’s what I did with Trace.  When I first met him I was terrified of what I felt for him but I pushed that aside and concentrated on all the good things he made me feel.  And now I’m one of those annoying sappy people.  It’s disgusting, really.”

 

Kristen smiled.  She knew exactly how Elisha felt.  She had always thought her sappy feelings to Justin were disgustingly pathetic.  Apparently she had more in common with the girl than she realized. 

 

“I guess,” she sighed and wished he was there, wished it was five months ago and wished she was a different person.  “I guess I’m just afraid that, that what happened to us at the end of the tour, which I don’t know if you know about but, I think…I think that might have happened for a reason sometimes and I’m afraid that all this, me here with him, is just a jinx.”

 

“Ugh, don’t be like that.  You’re over-analyzing it.”

 

She laughed a little bit, “I have a problem of doing that.”

 

“Stop it!”  Elisha reached over and grabbed the glass of coke she was drinking and took a swig.  “Just…just enjoy yourself girl.  Don’t worry about what ifs or things in the past.  He’s so in love with you and he was willing to let you back into his life knowing you were gonna give him hell for what he did.  And, and I must think that you’ve got love for him, too because you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.”

 

She knew Elisha was dead on and knew she needed to just let some things go.  Before she was about to make this claim out loud she heard footsteps and saw Trace walking casually into the den while Justin dragged behind.  She watched him and he did nothing but stare at her.

 

“Hey, I’m tired,” She heard Trace say, and glanced to see him leaning over the couch smiling at his girl.  “Let’s go to bed.”

 

“It’s ok.  You guys don’t have to bail.” Justin said, walking behind Trace and the couch and heading straight for her. He stopped and looked back to the other couple saying, “I’m…I’m gonna go outside.”  Then he turned and with a sincerely worried face asked, “You wanna come?”

 

She stared at him for a moment, taking him in and seeing how worried he was.  She was afraid of what was coming, what he was going to say to her but she knew, she knew they had to talk. “Yeah…”

 

It was an oddly chilly evening and as she sat down on a patio chair beside him she wished she had a hoodie, or that he was holding her.  That was the worst part about their situation, was having to see him from a distant and being too afraid and too proud to give him a hug or ask him to hold her.

 

It was the one thing she missed the most about him.

 

She curled up in the chair and sat in it sideways, resting the side of her head on the edge of the back of the iron and staring over at him as he stared out at his dark back yard.  She waited for him and knew it’d have to be him to start the conversation.  Any attempt on her part would probably end up being a failed one. 

 

She had almost started to talk to him when they were stuck in traffic earlier, but then she chickened out and tried her best to concentrate on what she had done that day.  She was quite overwhelmed with everything going on with Chi.  She realized she was going to have to memorize the menu and a lot about the restaurant to try and persuade people to have parties there.  Justin and the manager of the restaurant, Roger, had gone over a few security details about Justin’s information and what not to say to people inquiring about Justin’s restaurant. 

 

It was interesting and she was thankful for the job, but it still took her a while to warm up to it and the idea of being on the phone and having to be overly bubbly to people she didn’t know.  She didn’t know why Justin had even offered her the job to begin with.  Well she did, he had wanted her to stay with him and he was being extremely nice to her and trying to get on her good side after their separation.

 

Thinking of that was making her think of their date together a few nights ago and she decided she needed to put the past exactly there, in the past and concentrate on that particular moment with him on the back porch.  She needed to live her life then and there and not in what was or what could be.

 

“Can I ask you something?” He said quietly, interrupting her thoughts.

 

“Of course.”

 

“This morning I really didn’t get an explanation, but what happened last night?”  He took a breath and turned to look at her and she didn’t like what she saw.  There was defeat in his eyes and a lack of hope.  She felt her heart crumble.  “What happened to cause all of this today?”

 

“I…I don’t know.”  She forced a smile and whispered, “You just, you were really, really tempting at the club and I got drunk and then we came back and you just wanted to sleep so, I don’t know.  I just ended up sleeping beside you.”