The door slammed behind her and
she pressed her back against it. She
couldn’t let him get to her. She
couldn’t let him break her. Not on her
first movie, not on her first real chance.
She had fucked up. It had been
her fault and he had been right to yell at her.
Forgetting lines was one thing, but completely forgetting how to act was
inexcusable. A demon of some sort had
possessed her; it was the only reasonable explanation. Unfortunately, she knew exactly what that demon
was– who he was.
Every time she closed her eyes she
could see him sitting there with her so close, his hand on her face, and that
was making her not even want to blink.
She didn’t understand any of it.
An hour before they were friends, kind of. They were co-workers, nothing more. He was attractive and nice but nothing more,
nothing special.
Then he tried to kiss her.
One part of her head kept telling
her that they were practicing lines.
That was all. He was just warming
up for the scene. The other part told
her he was a little asshole, trying to get some play now that his girlfriend
had dumped him. Either part worked for
her and had logic to it. She didn’t know
him, so didn’t really know how serious he took the whole practicing lines
thing. They had never practiced lines
together. They hadn’t even worked
together until that morning. And since
she didn’t know him, it was very possible that the whole nice-guy attitude was
just a mask for the player man-whore he really was.
“Don’t be nervous.”
His voice echoed throughout every
part of her. He couldn’t have been
practicing because that one little line wasn’t part of the script, and he
couldn’t have been an asshole because he wouldn’t have taken his time and would
have just kissed her. But he hesitated,
he waited and he cherished the moment like it was important to him.
If only Jason hadn’t interrupted
them, then maybe she would have had some answers. They would have kissed and had to talk
afterwards. He would have had to explain
himself and she sure as hell would ask questions. A quiet, sad laugh escaped her mouth. No she wouldn’t. She would have sat there, wide-eyed and just
as confused as she was now, if not more so.
And he would have bailed,
probably, like most of the guys that she had grown affections for in her
life. Did she have affections for
Justin? Did she like him?
No, no. She was just lonely.
It made sense now. It wasn’t a demon that has possessed her
earlier, but a feeling. It was the
feeling that overwhelmed her at times and made her paralyzed. It consumed her thoughts and controlled her
actions. And bite by aching bite it
nibbled away at her until she was left like she was now, leaning against the
wall, breathing hard and praying that she could go to sleep, wake up and be ten
years old again when the only thing that mattered were Friday night slumber
parties and the three o’clock bell that signaled her freedom every weekday.
She jumped at sudden rapid
knocking coming from the other side of the door she was resting on.
“Open up diva!” She heard Jason
say. As much as he was a lifesaver at
times she wanted to be alone. She shook
her head. She felt lonelier that day
than she had in a really long time, and what did she want? She wanted to be completely by herself, in
her bed, with only her thoughts to bother her.
She moved her hand quickly to the
doorknob and locked it. Hmmm, she
thought. It dawned on her that she
hadn’t used her key to unlock her trailer when she had ran
into it earlier. He must have not locked
it back. She was going to have to talk
to him about that. She didn’t want to
talk to him. She didn’t want that
confusion and didn’t deserve the type of reaction her body made her have, which
was to completely ruin her chances of ever acting again.
Jason’s knocking became more
persistent and she could hear him yelling something to Olivia. She didn’t answer though, and quietly walked
over to the kitchen table where she had deposited her purse. She reached inside and found her cell
phone. Her battery was half dead and she
knew she would need to recharge it for the rest of the day.
She just needed on quick phone
call and then maybe her embarrassment would be over with, as well as her dream.
Her legs carried her into her
bedroom. She ripped off the damn visor,
threw it on the floor and flopped back on the bed. As she pushed herself back against the
pillows she expertly dialed a familiar number, then brought the phone to her
ear and waited.
“Suzie Q, how’s it goin’? I just finished
getting all my ticket stuff ready for next week. I’m excited about coming out there
again. I cant
wait to see you actually work this time.
How’s it been? How’s the smooching scenes with
mister hottie pants?”
Susan sucked in a deep breath and
something in her snapped. The stone
cracked and after a moment of silence and a quiet, “Susan you there?” from
Brenda, it spewed forth and she choked on the flow of emotion forced out of
her.
“I wanna
go home,” she sobbed. Her vision was
blurred as she stared down at the lavender comforter she laid on. She knew Olivia was going to hate her for
ruining the makeup she had on, even though it wasn’t a lot. But it didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to go back there. They were going to have to use a S.W.A.T. team to get her out of the damn trailer. She wouldn’t be mentally abused by Richard
anymore and wouldn’t let him make her feel like a naïve child, lost in
And she would be damned if she had
to spend another moment thinking about that stupid kiss.
“What!” Brenda exclaimed. “What are you talking about Suze? What
happened?”
She rolled over on the bed and
moaned into the pillow, “They hate me, all of them hate me.”
“Who?”
“Richard and…” She sniffed. “Richard.”
“What happened now?” Brenda said
in a worried tone.
She flopped back over, ran her
forearm under her nose and spat out in a pathetic voice, “He embarrassed me in
front of the whole damn crew Brenda. I
couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t
concentrate and he got really mad and told me I needed to grow up and get my mind
out of the clouds and into the character.”
“Why did he say that?”
“Because I
totally forgot everything.” She didn’t realize she was whining and kept
up her pitiful tone, “The lines, the stage directions, everything. I just
couldn’t think. And he was yelling so
loud and I started to cry.”
“Are you pmsing?”
Susan rolled her blue eyes, “No, I
got over my period last week.”
“Are you pregnant?” Brenda
chuckled.
“You know I’m not.”
“Well, why did you cry?”
“I don’t know. I just I just-“ She took a deep breath and
when she let it out she started speaking quickly and didn’t realize she was
rambling, “I felt confused and lonely and I don’t know. Everyone was staring at me and laughing at me
and I was just tired of it. It’s
happened like every day since this whole movie started. This is not what I thought acting would be
like. And…and…so when I started to cry
he told me to leave and not come back to set until I was positive that I wanted
to be in this movie.”
“Susan…”
She didn’t hear Brenda and kept
talking. “And then he fucking turned to
his assistant and yelled, ‘Get me out casting director on the phone.’ And I was
completely fucking humiliated. I wanna quit. I just wanna go
home.”
“Susan…”
“I’m serious Brenda!” She wiped at her eyes and said frustrated,
“I’m tired of it all.”
“But Susan you already sub-leased
your apartment up here and everything.”
“No, Brenda. I wanna gohome.” The tears she wiped away didn’t do much and a
fresh batch came pouring forth. “I don’t
wanna stay here in this stupid damn city or
“No you don’t.” Brenda said
softly. “Girl you’ve worked so
hard. Don’t give up on this. This isn’t like you. You usually don’t get this emotional about
this stuff. You’ve had shitty directors
and bitchy photographers and usually you are able to laugh it off, roll your
eyes and forget about it. What’s
different this time? And what the hell
is up with you forgetting lines? You
know that script by heart. Hell, you
studied it every day since I told you you got the
damned part.” She paused and Susan
closed her eyes knowing that Brenda was a sharp girl and could figure things
out easily. “What happened out there?”
“Nothing,” she said quietly.
“That’s crap and you know it. Tell me.
Did something bad happen?”
“No…” She said forcefully then
eased her tone. “No…”
“Did something…” She could almost
feel the smile in Brenda’s voice come through and touch her. “…good happen?”
“Good?”
“Like…is there a boy I need to
know about?”
“Brenda!” She asked, surprised she
had kind of figured it out
She squealed, “There is!”
“No there isn’t!”
When Brenda was silent she
realized how forceful she must have been.
Finally Brenda said slowly, “Whoa…ok.
What happened?”
She was fed up with Brenda not
really listening to her and trying to get into her head. She needed her to either be ok with her
quitting or trying her best to convince her not to, but here she was trying to
get down to the root of some stupid boy problem. “Brenda, I’m having a crisis
here. I’m thinking about quitting my job
and you’re concerned with me kissing Justin-”
“WHAT?!”
“Fuck!” She yelled when she
remembered what she had said. She hadn’t
told her about the kiss yet and now she had let it out prematurely. Her day was just getting worse and she rubbed
her forehead, sure that in a few minutes she was going to have to get up to get
an Aleve or two.
“Ok, hold up!” Brenda said
excitedly. “You kissed Justin Timberlake?
Like, outside of the movie kiss?”
“No!” Susan boomed.
“You just said you did. So wait, was it during the scene? Was it that good? I mean, isn’t he dating-”
“They broke up like last week or
something. I don’t know. And we were practicing lines. And we didn’t kiss but he almost did Brenda
and...and like…why would he do that? I mean...” The headache was full blast now,
so bad she didn’t feel like moving to get medicine.
“You like him.” She teased.
“No I don’t Brenda. Listen to me.
I don’t like him. I don’t know
him.”
“He’s good looking.”
She couldn’t believe her agent was
playing around about this. It wasn’t a
joking manner and she was making her feel like a middle schooler. “BRENDA!”
“I’m sorry...” She giggled for a
moment and then took a deep breath.
“Continue…”
Susan rolled her eyes and sighed.
“It’s just that…I mean, he tried to kiss me. Ok, whatever…he just broke up with his girl
so he’s probably just really confused or something, ya
know? But it’s like. I just…it’s made me feel really lonely.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re afraid. You always get this way. Remember that guy I tried to set you up with?”
“The soap guy?” She asked.
“He really liked you Susan. And I thought you liked him and then suddenly
you stopped liking him because he tried to kiss you and you freaked out. It’s not that you feel lonely, it’s that you
want to be lonely and when someone comes into your life and might not make you
lonely anymore you completely flip out and make all these wild excuses and
don’t act like yourself. And apparently
you fuck up your lines too.”
Her legs were pulled up against
her as she curled on her side. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“I’m talking about how you let
Will completely rule every thought you have about men. Ok, he fucked you over and used you but it’s
been three damn years Susan. Get over
it.”
That comment hurt. She knew that William was a sore subject for
her and hearing his name was like alcohol to a scrape. It stung, and even if she was trying to help,
it hurt. “What would you know Brenda?”
“Don’t pull that. We’re not talking about me. You know I love you but you gotta get over it.
It’s annoying.” She laughed a little but Susan knew the conversation had
gotten a lot more serious despite Brenda’s attempts to keep it light.
“What do I do Brenda? Ignore the fact that he tried to kiss
me? Act like it didn’t happen?”
“No. Talk to him. Ask him what the deal is. Maybe he likes you.” The laughter came back and Susan started
getting fed up with her agent’s constantly bubbly personality. “Maybe you two can go on a date.”
“That’s probably the worst thing
right now. He just broke up with his
girlfriend and I don’t think it’s very professional to date your co-worker.”
“You’re in Hollywood. They all sleep with one another.”
Susan cracked a small smile at
that. Sleeping with Justin she was sure
was rather nice, but not something she could afford to do at this point in her
life. But…it would be nice. “Well what if it happens? What if we do go out, have a great time, go on a few dates and whatever? Then if we break up or get in a fight, how the
hell are we supposed to work together?”
“Like I said, you’re in Hollywood
babe. That’s how they roll.”
“Well it’s not how I roll.” She
chuckled.
“Ok, ok. No date.
But still talk to the boy. Tell him you just wanna
be friends and don’t want anything else coming in the way of work. But dammit, don’t
let that ruin your dream Susan. God,
you’re gonna let Justin Timberlake’s lips ruin your
life.”
“His hands, too. He touched my
face.” The sound of her voice was
distant and when Brenda only cleared her throat over the line she realize how
she sounded. She did sound like she liked him.
That was impossible though. It
wasn’t her fault he was attractive. In
fact, it was his, and he should have done something to tone it down. “Dammit Brenda he’s
so hot!”
“Maybe you just need a good fuck.”
“Brenda!” She couldn’t believe how
blunt her sweet little manager was being.
“What? It’ll calm you down I think.” She giggled.
Suddenly there was a high pitched
beeping in her ear and when she pulled the phone away she saw her sister’s
phone number in the screen. “Shit…my little
sister is on the other line,” she said to Brenda.
“Call me back later ok? No quitting today.”
“I’ll try.” She sighed.
“Good luck, Suze.”
“Thanks Brenda.” She swallowed her
pride for a moment and said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“I wouldn’t be your agent if I
couldn’t handle it,” she quipped. “Bye.”
Susan sat up and pressed a few
buttons in her phone and then brought it back to her ear. “Hey Heathie.
I thought you couldn’t have your phone at school?”
“I’m not at school. Mom let me
have the day off,” she said in a chipper 16 year old tone.
Susan’s eyebrows furrowed, “Are
you sick?”
“No.” Her sister laughed.
“What? She never did that for me!”
Her sister sighed over the phone
in a disappointed manner and then said, “You forgot didn’t you?”
“What?” She didn’t know what her sister was talking
about and was still confused as to why she was calling her at 11:30 on a school
day and why on earth her mom would have let her have the day off. And she was definitely still thinking about
her morning and how completely shitty it had been. She wondered if she could tell her sister
she’d call her back later. She hated it
when she had to half-ass her attention to her sister and knew she was doing it
right then.
“Ya know
what, never mind. I’ll talk to you
later.”
Suddenly her bedroom door burst
open with Jason and Olivia right on his heels.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Hold on Heather.” She pulled the phone
away and shook her head at the two imposters. “How did you
get in?!”
“Pete has all the keys to all the
trailers incase we need them to set up earlier or someone looses them or…locks
us out!” Olivia laughed and took a seat on the edge of the bed.
“Can I call you back later
Heather? I’m on set and…” She didn’t hear anything and looked down at
the phone; there was no call in progress.
She brought it back to her ear.
“Heather?” When she got no response she pouted and flipped the phone
shut and reached over to put it on her nightstand. “She hung up on me.”
“You’re baby sis?” Jason asked,
lying down on his stomach on the bed.
“Yeah.”
“Maybe she had to go.” He shrugged
and then put a hand on her leg, squeezing it affectionately. “Now, why are you locking us out? We know Richard is a little dick head but forget
him.”
“You guys I completely fucked up.”
She covered her face with her hands and peeked out at the girl on her bed. “You were there Olivia. You saw.”
“Girl it wasn’t that bad.” She
responded sympathetically, “I mean, so you forgot your lines and Richard got a
little hot headed like always, but you shouldn’t cry about it.”
“I wanna
quit.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“No HELLLL no!” Jason pushed himself off the bed, stood at the end of it
and snapped his fingers. “I ain’t working with no little
bitch. I got enough of a problem with
Mister Timberlake.”
“Can we not talk about him?” She
moaned.
“He likes you.” Olivia giggled.
“WHAT?!” They had to be joking.
He couldn’t like her. He was just
too into the scene or not over Cameron or…or...a prick or…something. But like her?
No…no. That couldn’t happen.
Could it?
Jason waved his hands as he
talked, “Totally likes you. Blushing, wanted to know what you thought about the
kiss and what you said and all this stuff.”
“What did he say?” She asked eager
to know what he had said about her.
“Oh my gawd!” Jason
squealed.
“What?”
Olivia laughed, “You like him
back!”
“I really do get to play cupid O!”
Jason held up his hand to slap
with Olivia’s and instead she pushed him out of her face, “Shut up!” She moved her attention to Susan and asked
honestly, “Do you like him?”
She fell onto her side and the
comforter muffled her answer, “No!”
“Ahhh! You DO! You Do! You Dooooooo…
“Jason sang and danced around the room.
“I just said I didn’t!” She
growled.
“Well he likes you. He was as giddy and confused as a high school
boy.” Olivia laughed and she couldn’t take it anymore. She sat up on the bed and pounded her fist
into the comforter.
“You guys this day has been so fucking horrible and you’re making it worse!”
“You almost kissed Justin and
you’re gonna get to kiss him in about an hour!” Jason
said.
She fell back on the bed and slung
her arm over her eyes. “Oh shit, don’t
remind me.”
“I promise you it’ll be ok.”
She heard a smack and an “owe”
come from Jason and then heard Olivia say in a calmer voice, “You should talk
to him.”
“I don’t wanna
see him…” She pulled her arm away and glared at Jason who was making kissy faces at her. “Or anyone else for that matter.”
“Ouch,” he said.
She sighed and looked up at the
ceiling hoping she could plead with them to either drop the subject or leave
her alone. Actually she just wanted
Jason to leave and then have Olivia stay because she seemed the only person in
her life that was acting halfway normal about the situation. “Ya’ll please…”
She didn’t get the chance to say
anything more and they didn’t say anything either.
“Can I come in?”
She took a deep breath and sat up
on her bed. He was standing there,
leaning cautiously into the doorway with a scared little smile. He was dressed in flip-flops, jeans, a white
undershirt and a zip up black hoodie on top of
that. His eyes bore into hers and he
didn’t acknowledge the presence of anyone else.
She gulped. “Hi…”
“Hey…” He passed her an easy
smile.
“Ohhhh…”
Jason interrupted their silent staring contest with his loud outrageous
voice. “I think I have to go …” He
laughed and walked over to Justin. “Make
an excuse for an exit so you two can have passionate sex…” He patted Justin’s chest and then scampered
out of sight calling out, “Later lovers…”
Olivia chuckled and rolled her
eyes, leaning forward to smile a little.
“I’ll be back in 15 minutes to do your make up and get you ready for the
next scene, ok?”
“Olivia…” Susan reached forward
and snatched her forearm. She didn’t
want to be left alone with him and knew they were both obviously leaving so her
and Justin could ….do something.
She didn’t want to do anything
with him. She wanted him to disappear
and stop clogging her brain.
But it was too late and Olivia
quickly stood up and walked to the doorway of her bedroom. “I’ll be back…” She
called over her shoulder and slipped past Justin.
It was quiet for a moment and she
heard her trailer door slam in the other room.
Justin turned to look at the door for a moment and then back at her.
She prayed she’d stop staring at
him, but it was so hard and the longer he stood there, the longer she was
frozen, unable to tear herself from him.
Dammit they’re right.
She could feel herself breathe and
hear her heart beating inside of her. He
licked his lips and every nervous feeling she felt when he whispered those
three words, “Don’t be nervous” came tumbling down on her and soon she was
pinned underneath them, stuck, right where he could get to her.
She couldn’t like him. It was unprofessional. It was the last thing she needed on her
mind. It was the truth.
She liked him.
He stepped forward and then
stopped. She watched him closely and he
looked down at the floor for a moment and scratched his neck shyly. He glanced up at her and she didn’t realize
she was about to start crying again. Her
vision blurred and his eyebrows furrowed as he watched her closely.
The intense feeling of emotion got
caught in her throat and she swallowed it back down.
“Susan…” He whispered. And when
she saw him moving towards her she curled up into herself and prayed he
wouldn’t touch her or kiss her or say anything that made her like him even
more. She couldn’t afford having a crush
on him and she could afford for him to do something to make her feel
special. She had lost that feeling long
ago and was terrified for it to come back and be ripped away from her again.