He kissed down her body, leaving her breathless.  His lips felt so soft against her naked skin and the ice in his mouth created a type of pleasure she had never experienced before.  At first she had been scared to use it, but he convinced her, promising her she’d enjoy it.  Oh, was she enjoying it.  But God, did she wish the damned thing would melt.   It was going so slow and he was taking so long.  The candles in the room made it hot, and even though his mouth and tongue and lips were cold, he left a burned trail wherever he went, searing her body and making her moan. She sighed his name and fisted her hands in his hair and directed his mouth to where she wanted it.  She wanted it there, she wanted him to put it there, kiss her there.  But instead he ducked out from her hands and pulled up and pressed himself into her, letting her feel how hot and hard his body was, kissing her and pushing the melted ice into her mouth before dipping down and sucking on her neck.  He moved so he was in between her legs and entered her quickly, forcefully, without any preparation.  She didn’t need it, though.  He filled her up and he didn’t stop. He fucked her hard, making her body move beneath him.  She beat at his back to get him to stop, to get him to start and finally she just held on tight.  It was too damn much but it felt so damn good. He pounded into her, but finally stopped for a moment and sat back up on his knees, pulling up her hips against his hard and telling her to grab onto the bed.

 

She looked behind her and saw the headboard.  It was brass and it wasn’t hers.  For a moment she forgot where she was.  The bed was unfamiliar, but she didn’t care.  It didn’t matter as long as she was with him.  She closed her eyes and gripped her fist firmly around the cool metal as he started to thrust inside of her again.  It felt so fucking good.  He was hitting her in all the right spots, fucking her in the perfect way, making her want to scream.  She screamed.  He was making her body so tense that she couldn’t wait to get off.  She couldn’t wait to reach that height and come so hard that she might literally explode. 

 

He hadn’t made her feel this way in so long.  He hadn’t had sex with her like this in ages, not this passionate, not like this, like they were both possessed with some frenzied need that had to be satisfied.  In fact, most of their times together were so sweet and loving that she could only remember one other time when he just laid her down and took her.  It was the morning before he left to go to Virginia.  They had made love the night before and taken their time with it, but that morning he was getting all his bags together and she was getting ready to leave to go back to her brother’s and mope around about missing him.  There were people downstairs, Trace and a few of his bodyguards and some other people she really didn’t know.  She asked him if he had everything together or if he needed her to do anything more for him.  He quietly walked over, shut the door and said ‘yes’.  She didn’t even have time to ask what before he pinned her underneath him on the bed and whispered, ‘you’ll have to be quiet.’  She smiled at him and he proceeded to strip her, strip himself, spread her on his bed and had sex with her fast, hard and she could barely keep up.  It felt so good, though.  Afterward he laughed and she giggled and they held each other and kissed slowly until Trace knocked on the door and startled them both.

 

That had been the last time, the last time until the other night when she thought she wanted it but was so wrong.  When he had come back to her place and they had sort of made up.  Her mind was a mess, clouded by thoughts and feelings she couldn’t decipher.  She thought sleeping with him would be the best thing to cure it, but it wasn’t.  It just made her more confused and she wasn’t really ready for that type of connection with him again, but she couldn’t turn him down.  It was too late, and it messed them up even more.

 

But she was ready now and she couldn’t wait to be lying with him afterwards, out of breath and completely satisfied and kiss him lazily.  The world would be made right, and everything that was going on with them would be settled and they’d be happy.

 

He worked her a little faster and she arched her back and gripped the brass harder.  “Ohhh shit, Justin.”  She craned her neck forward and opened her eyes to get a look at him, to watch him do this to her.  She wanted to watch him when they both finished.

 

But he wasn’t there and she was suddenly fully clothed and she didn’t know where she was.  The walls were dirty and gray, and no longer was she on a bed.  The pleasure of sex vacated her and she was left feeling lifeless and empty.  A cold hard floor was beneath her and she was trying to move, but she couldn’t.  She was chained to the wall.  She felt filthy, disgusting.  A door was opposite to her and it opened and someone stepped in.

 

It was him.

 

He stared at her, shook his head and came over to her.  She realized she was crying, crying so hard that it made her entire body tired and weak.  He wouldn’t even say a thing.  She screamed at him and yelled and she didn’t know why.  She didn’t even know what she was saying.  She felt something click behind her, felt something loosen around her wrists.

 

“Just go…”

 

She stood up and hugged him.  She kissed his neck and cried.  “Don’t…don’t…”

 

“Get away from me.”  His voice was cold and distant, sad and yet at the same time completely uncaring.

 

She felt someone pulling her away.  A thousand hands were grabbing at her, pulling her back.  “Don’t make me go!  Don’t!”

 

“You’re not her.  You never were.  You never will be.” 

 

She screamed at him and a door slammed.

 

Brown eyes opened wide and she sucked in a breath and stared at the ceiling.  It was dark in her bedroom.  Her A/C clicked on.  She blinked then felt insanely hot and threw off the covers, kicking them off the end of her bed.  She heard a groan and looked over to her right, hoping he’d be there, hoping to curl up to him and hold him and have him there and have him promise her that she’s the one for him and that he’d never make her run away. 

 

But her bed was empty.  She was hearing things and wished he was there for her, wished he wasn’t far away.  Her body rolled over to the middle of the bed and her arms clutched the pillow.  She let out a sigh.  It was the third dream that week.  The first one had been fine, just a dream of him and her together in bed watching TV and talking.  It was so real that when she woke up she went into the den to ask him to come back to bed, since he had left in her dream to go get something to eat.  But no one was there but her silly cat rubbing against her legs.  She then remembered that he had left the day before, gone back to LA to finish up his album, to tie up some loose ends before he started promoting.

 

He had spent four days with her in New York, including the first night he came to see her.  The next day they went out with Trace and did some cheesy sight seeing stuff she had all done before when she was younger.  But it was fun and it kept her mind off things. The day after he had a meeting he had to go to, but he called her several times.  Later that evening they went out with her father who was in town. It was weird for her, pretending like nothing was wrong, like her and Justin were still as in love as before.  And she guessed that they were still in love, just now there were complications. 

 

He hadn’t mentioned any of that to her.  He hadn’t brought up the sex, or their conversation, or their month apart or his dreams.  She had asked him not to, she had wanted to forget it.  But now he looked at her more seriously.  She’d find him staring at her, not that amazed stare he use to give her, but a stare as if he was trying to brand her into his brain just…just in case she left again.  The next day he came to spend time with her.  He stayed the entire afternoon and slept with her that night, but they did nothing more than kiss.  She wanted to be with him intimately but was afraid, still afraid he might turn her down like he did a few days before in the shower.

 

The next morning he had to leave to go back to LA.  He cried, he cried so hard and made her promise not to leave him.  She promised and he kissed her deeper than he ever had before and then he left.  He left her apartment and drove off and then flew away from her.

 

She was scared and yet, relieved.  She needed time to think.  Now that they had come back together, she needed time to analyze what had happened and to get it all settled in her mind.

 

Last night the dream she had was of her running away.  She was running and running, so hard, and he was catching up, trying to grab at her, whispering her name.  And she was terrified of him.   But this night, he was the one sending her away in her dreams and she was the one begging to stay.  It was confusing and she didn’t understand it.  She hated that now that she knew he had a problem, it was starting to affect her.

 

She needed to control herself.  She could control her dreams, she had to.  She wasn’t going to become psychotic like him.

 

She took a breath and pushed herself out of bed.  He wasn’t psychotic.  He wasn’t.  He just had a little problem.

 

She looked at the clock.  It was two in the morning. 

 

It was just a problem, that’s it.  But she couldn’t stop this one little thought that kept creeping into her brain.  She had to wonder if maybe nothing was wrong with him, maybe this was all fate.   What if his dreams had been some divine plan to make him know her so when they met it would all fall into place?  What if this was all meant to be?

 

That was stupid, that was a pathetic excuse.  No, she wasn’t his dream girl, and she was sure that she didn’t look or act or sound or seem anything like his dream girl.  He just happened to bump into her one day and his brain convinced him that she could be it.  His brain was wrong.

 

She didn’t want to go back to sleep now, now that she was being plagued by bad dreams. She walked to the door and opened it.  Jingles immediately hopped down from his perch on the back of the couch and greeted her with a straight tail and a small meow.  She stared at her apartment, thinking of something to do.  She was anxious and needed something to occupy her time.  Nothing would be on the TV, she wasn’t focused enough to cook something to eat.  She could clean, but she was still exhausted.  She walked over and sat on the couch.  Her cat crawled over her sniffing for a moment before curling up in her lap, vibrating with happy purrs.

 

She sighed and figured maybe she could call up her friend Jessica who had just come back into town from her trip over seas.  She could have gone with her.  Jessica wanted her to come with her.  She had debated about it for a good while, but instead her brother called her up late April and convinced her to come out to LA.  With that decision everything, every damn little thing changed.  She had told Jess about Justin through an email and had talked to her on the phone a few days ago right when she first got back into town.  But she hadn’t told her about all this, not about the problem they were in.

 

She picked up her phone that was lying on the coffee table and flipped it open to dial.  She should have put it on her charger but she had forgotten.  She had been forgetting a lot lately.  She had forgotten to feed her cat yesterday morning and didn’t realize it until that evening.  And she had yet to go pick up her text books from the book store, even though they’d called her twice.

 

She dialed the number and waited.  It rang four times and she knew she was waking her friend up, but she needed someone to talk to.  She knew Jess would understand.  She might laugh and call her a silly bitch, but she’d understand.  The phone finally picked up and a deep raspy voice answered.

 

“-ello…”

 

“Oh sorry James, is Jess there?”

 

“She’s asleep, hold on.”  She sighed and waited for a good minute before her friend picked up.  She stopped scratching Jingles’ head and switched her phone to her other hand.

 

“It’s two in the morning, slut.”

 

She smiled to herself at the greeting and said, “I can’t sleep.”

 

She heard her friend yawn into the phone and whisper something inaudible and then said, “Give me two seconds to get a Diet Coke…”  Darcy took the same idea and pushed Jingles off her lap and walked over to the fridge.  But instead of a soda, she grabbed her jug of apple juice and poured herself a glass.  Just as she was taking her first sip, Jess said,   “Ok, what’s up?”

 

She groaned, “Boy problems.”

 

“What’d he do?”

 

“Nothing…”

 

There was a pause on the line and her friend’s voice was quiet when she said, “What’d you do…”

 

“Nothing…”  She moved to lie back down on the couch and stared at the ceiling as she talked. “We just, I don’t know.  It’s complicated.”

 

“Cause you’re dating a superstar.”  Jess laughed into the phone.  “I can’t believe it.  Remember how you had that dream like two years ago about Justin taking you up on stage and you wouldn’t shut up about it.”

 

Nausea over came her and she swallowed the lump that was in her throat.  Her stomach seemed to be knotted and immediately she wished she had never called her friend.  “Don’t…don’t remind me.”   She remembered it well.  It was horribly teeny and stupid and pathetic but it was a dream that was so real in her mind and she told all her friends over margaritas at one of the girl’s apartments and they all made fun of her afterwards.  She didn’t care.  She thought it was funny herself.

 

But now it didn’t seem so humorous.

 

“You sound weird, D…”

 

She knew she needed to get off the phone fast.  It was a mistake trying to call someone who had no idea what was going on, someone who couldn’t know.  She couldn’t tell anyone.  She couldn’t call anyone.  Her brother was biased.  She had thought several times of calling Trace, but figured he’d side with Justin.  No, she was alone and she had to figure out her feelings herself.  No one could do that for her.  “I’ve just got a lot going on.”  She shook her head.  “Look I’ll call you tomorrow, sorry I woke you and James.”

 

“It’s ok, hey…you alright?”

 

She forced herself to sound perky in the phone and said quickly, “Fine, bye.” She knew her friend wouldn’t call her back, but knew she’d be pounding on her door the next day demanding a coffee run and a chat about what the hell her problem was.

 

She couldn’t talk to anyone.  No one would understand and no one could make it better.  Only one other person knew what was really happening, and even he didn’t realize everything that had been crossing her mind.  She wanted to call him, but she didn’t want to talk about that.  She wanted to hear his voice and wanted everything to be like it was, before her brother had to open his mouth.  Dammit, why did her brother have to say anything.  She thought about suing Justin’s doctor herself just for the emotional abuse that his actions had led to. 

 

She had been fine not knowing, fine and content and happy living and loving him.  It didn’t matter if it was a lie.

 

She brought the phone up to her face and stared at it.  They hadn’t talked much on the phone.  She had talked to him the day before for a while and then the day before that he left her a message and he called her to let her know he made it back home ok.  But he had been the one doing all the work and she figured maybe now it was her turn.  She hoped he wouldn’t be asleep yet.  It was only 11 in LA.  She hoped he wasn’t out partying or something.  But she knew him

 

She knew he’d be at home, curled up on the couch dozing off.

 

She dialed the number and it rang several times before he picked up.  There was no hello, just a tired sigh and a bit of relief. “I was gonna call you but I figured you were asleep.”

 

His voice was deep and he sounded tired, but it made her smile.  And that made her feel calm to know that he could still make her smile. “I can’t.”

 

“What’s wrong…”

 

She could hear the worry in his voice.  She didn’t want him to know about her dream and didn’t want him knowing that this situation was starting to take over her entire brain. She was stressed out and it sucked. “Nothing I just…”

 

“I miss you like crazy.”  It was rushed, almost panicked and she wished he were there so that she could give him a hug.  She could tell he was stressed out, too.  She felt like the victim of this situation, but she knew that there was no one to blame.  She believed that he wasn’t purposefully trying to cause any of this to happen.  He didn’t ask for the dreams or ask to bump into her or ask to fall in love with her.

 

She knew he loved her.  She knew that with every part of her body and mind.  Just, it was still hard to believe that he really loved her for who she was and not for who he wished her to be.

 

“I miss you, too.”

 

“I wanna just say fuck it to all this shit I have to do and go and spend time with you.”

 

The scary thing was that she could see him doing that.  She could see him getting up from wherever he was, calling Trace, telling him to book a flight and tell her to expect at her doorstep the next morning.  He was in an important part of his life in his career and she didn’t want to be the reason for messing all that up.   “You’ve worked so hard for this record Justin.  Don’t just throw it away like that.”

 

“But I’ve worked so damn hard for you too, Darcy.   I want to come back and see you soon.  I’m making plans to fly back out there in a week.”  She gulped and had to force herself to start breathing again.  He was going to push too much and mess something up.  She wanted to see him, badly, but she could tell he was putting her first and right then he needed to be thinking about his album. 

 

“School starts in a week.”  She blinked and then continued to stare at the ceiling.

 

“I won’t crowd you, I promise. I just…”  He sounded jittery on the phone, anxious, and she wondered if something else was going on.  “I need to be around you.  It makes me sick being away.  I keep thinking you might…”

 

“I’m...I’m not going anywhere, ok?  I promised you.”

 

It was quiet over the phone.  Her stomach started to knot up again and she knew that he was about to say something to make her want to throw up.  She almost screamed, almost yelled at him to just tell her but then she heard him sigh, and it sounded like he sat down with a bit of a groan.  “Have you talked to your brother?”

 

Her stomach churned. “Why?”

 

“He called me.”

 

Her hands started to wave about and she sat up on the couch and almost pushed her self up so she could pace.  “Justin just, look…”

 

“He apologized.  He just left me a voice mail and I was too scared to call him back.”

 

She stopped all movement and relaxed back on the couch.  “Oh…”

 

“I was shocked myself, but I don’t blame him Darcy.  I don’t.  At first I was angry as hell, but it’s just…”

 

“Can we not talk about it?”  She rushed out not wanting to talk about anything negative.

 

It was silent again.

 

“Oh…”

 

She let out a breath and moved to lie back down on couch.  She hoped she hadn’t freaked him out by her little outburst, but she was damn tired of talking and talking and talking about this.  Why couldn’t they just forget it and get back to normal?  Why couldn’t they just go back to when they were ignorant and happy?  Well, he was never ignorant about what was going on, but she had been.  And before this happened, he wasn’t so anxious and depressed around her.  He cherished her, but now he was almost smothering, terrified of losing her.

 

At times she enjoyed and appreciated the attention, other times it was just too much.

 

But that was her own fault.  She should have never run away.  It just fucked everything up more and took away precious time when they could have been working on this.  Hell, if she hadn’t run away maybe now everything would be fine.

 

Maybe now she wouldn’t be so weird around him and he wouldn’t be so cautious around her.

 

“What did you do today?”

 

He cleared his throat and it sounded like he was stretching. “Oh, well I worked out this morning, then I had a photo shoot.”

 

She figured if they were going to get back to normal she was going to have to act like normal. Even if she wasn’t feeling it, even if she was scared and anxious and felt like she might puke at any moment, she had to pretend to be fine.  So she did what she knew best and she flirted with him.  “Was it hot?”

 

“Um, I guess.”  He chuckled.  “It was annoying but most of them are…”

 

“You looked sec-say I bet.”

 

She could hear the smile in his voice and it made her happy to know that at least one of them was smiling.  “You’re silly.”

 

Then she realized she was smiling as well. 

 

Suddenly, she started thinking about his smile and how sexy it was and then visions of her dream came to her, not the scary part but the part before.  She sunk down into the pillows of the couch and sighed.  She wanted that again.  She wanted to be like that with him so bad.  “I just had a dream about you.”

 

“What?”  He voice was startled, shocked and she knew she probably shouldn’t have said that to him.  But she couldn’t help herself and curled into the back of the couch and smiled.

 

Her voice got quiet and she said into the phone, “You were kissing me with ice in your mouth and then you started to fuck me…”

 

His voice was breathy and shaky, turned on and nervous.  “D-Darcy…”

 

“I miss you Justin,” She whined into the phone.  “I miss us like that.”

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

She interrupted him.  This time it wasn’t his fault. “No.  I know I freaked you out and I’m sorry for that.  But I’m over it and, and when I see you next I want us to try it again and I don’t want you to be scared. I promise I won’t freak out and cry.”

 

“O…ok.”  He inhaled sharply and she prayed he believed her.  She wanted to reconnect with him physically so bad.  She knew it probably wasn’t the best way, after all she had used sex in relationships before to make them seem more meaningful, but this was different.  This was about trying to get back to a place where nothing could harm them. Nothing.

 

After a moment he said, “So…tell me more about the dream.”

 

There was a smile in his voice but she didn’t return it.  She had hoped to concentrate on the sex part of the dream but now, for some strange reason, she found herself remembering how it felt with her hands locked behind her, how he looked when he told her to leave, how cold it was.  “Th-that was it.”

 

He laughed.  “You’re no fun. I wanted sexy details.”

 

She shook her head.  Thoughts like that were evil and dangerous and she forced herself to not think about being locked up or sent away.  She forced herself to think about Justin’s body and his laugh but it wasn’t much help.  She kept being sent back to that room.  “It...it was hot Justin.  You were doing me really good.”  She cleared her throat and closed her eyes, praying the right images would flood her mind so she could move past this.

 

“I…I miss you like that, too.  We are really good together.”  He laughed quietly, shyly.  “You’re...you’re amazing in bed, really.”

 

His voice was deep and suddenly the right image did come to her mind and she got that feeling, that ache that she use to get whenever he’d look at her in that certain way.  It was the same feeling she got when he kissed her neck and whispered something to her.  It made her smile and sigh in relief.  It was back and maybe, maybe now things were ok again.  Maybe that dream was there to show her not to give up, that they could get back like that, back to where he was making her feel so good and there wasn’t a care in the world. 

 

“We need to stop talking about this or I’ll never get back to sleep.”

 

He laughed and then quietly said over the phone, “We could have phone sex.”

 

“Are you serious!”  She squealed.  The idea made her nervous and excited at the same time.  She wouldn’t do it, of course, but now she was on the fast track to teasing the hell out of him.  This was going to be great and her mind was wondering far, far away from any bad thought that had been there before.

 

“If you want…I don’t know.  I’m at home all alone, just sitting here on my couch thinking about you.”

 

She closed her eyes and pictured him there with just shorts on and a t shirt, or no shirt, hand stuck under the elastic of his shorts, him bending his toes so they would pop.  “That’s what I’m doing, too.”

 

He took in a heavy breath and let it out saying, “Are you touching yourself?”

 

“Justin!”

 

He sighed into the phone and she stretched her legs out in front of her, giggling, getting herself comfortable so she could talk with him more.  “I’m so happy we can still be like this.  I’m…I’m happy you’re still ok with me and that you still love me.  I mean I know we aren’t back to normal and maybe we never will be, but I don’t know.  I love you so much Darcy and I’m so happy you didn’t give up on me.  I know it’s all crazy and…”

 

“Justin please…”  She didn’t want him talking about that.  She wanted him to forget it.  “Just shut up.”

 

“I wish I was with you right now.  I wish we were back at your boat house, when nothing was wrong and it was just us.”

 

She grinned to herself.  It was a good time for them.  They took their time, they talked and laughed so much there.  They had sex, a lot and it was beautiful and perfect.  They took turns and it was sexy and romantic and the best time she’s ever had with a man.  “You just liked it ‘cause I let you lie back and just enjoy it and I did all the work.”

 

“You didn’t do all the work!  If I remember right I think I made it up to you pretty well afterwards.”

 

She wanted him to make it up to her again. She wanted to be with him.  She wanted it to be good and she didn’t want to cry.  She knew now she could control herself.  She had to.  She knew she was starting to get over everything, at least she hoped she was.  Even if she wasn’t getting over it, she was blocking it from her mind, so it didn’t matter.  He was all that mattered.  Him, with her.

 

“When will you be back?”

 

“Monday.”  He said quickly.  “Well we might fly in Sunday night ‘cause I have a meeting that morning.”

 

“I can’t wait to see you.”

 

“I’m…I’m glad you called me tonight.”  She heard him groan and then yawn into the phone and then he said, “I’m kind of getting tired. I think I’m going to go to bed now.”

 

“Oh ok.” It startled her for a moment.  She was expecting to stay on the line and talk with him more.  She hoped everything was ok and he wasn’t bailing on her.  But the exhaustion in his voice sounded genuine.  “I guess I should get back to bed, too.”

 

“Ok, call me tomorrow, please…”  She smiled at the way he was begging her.  “I have another shoot to do so if I don’t answer Trace might or leave a message and I’ll call you back, ok?”

 

“Ok.”

 

He moaned just slightly into the phone and for a moment she had to wonder what was going on.  His voice was breathy and it made her skin tingle.  “I wish I could sleep with you tonight.”

 

“I’ll…”  Her voice faltered and she wanted to be lying with him on his couch or on his bed or wherever he was, having him hold her, and her being able to kiss him lightly on his neck and listening to him breathe.  “I’ll stay with you if you want when you come here.  I mean, I know you have work and I have school, but you can stay here if you want, or…if you want me to I’ll stay with you…”

 

“I’d like that so much.”

 

She smiled.  Things were ok with them.  They were going to be ok.  At least it was looking that way.  Right now it was great and she was sure she was going to have pleasant dreams or no dreams for the rest of the evening.  She wouldn’t mind them so much if they were of them together, happy. 

 

“Ok, night Justin.”

 

“I love you…”  He said breathlessly. 

 

She smiled into the phone and returned his feelings.  That made it all better.  It was all that mattered.  They were in love and they could get through this weird, insane situation.  They had to.  They just had to. 

 

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