Chapter 26
He wondered if you could fall in
love with a part of the body. If so, he
wanted to fall in love with her back. He
studied her back, how it was tanned just slightly and how her spine was just a
small indent in smooth skin. She had
three freckles over her left shoulder in a crooked line. He
couldn’t resist himself and leaned forward and kissed them and then ran his
hand over her arm and side, pushing the covers off her a bit down to her
waist. The curve of her hip and the way
her skin looked so smooth and soft in the dim light made him sigh. His head was held up by his hand and he
remained laying beside her, watching her sleep.
His fingers reached out to touch her hair, and pull it back from where
it had fallen over the side of her face.
She sighed in her sleep and curled up a little tighter, holding onto the
pillow.
She hadn’t moved, hadn’t rolled
over or stretched since the night before, since after they had made love. He was unsure if she was ok with it, but she
had been the one to initiate it and she didn’t stop him once he got going. It made him feel bad that she didn’t come, it
made him feel horrible and selfish like he had done something wrong. But she was crying, she was crying so hard and
he couldn’t stop her. Afterward she had curled
up holding the pillow to her body and sobbed.
It wasn’t that he meant to be selfish.
In fact he wanted to finish her, wanted to take his time and make her
feel good, to show her how much he really did love her and need her. But when she was curled on her side, crying,
he couldn’t remember how to speak.
It took him a while to get the
courage and finally he curled up behind her, molding his body against hers. She
was cold and naked and he was burning up and sweaty. But she didn’t seem to mind and reached
behind her and pulled his arms so that he was holding her. And he held her so damn tight. He kissed her
shoulders and her neck and told her how much he loved her. She said it back and it made him at ease, but
she didn’t let him go.
She held his arms around her for a
while. He had to continue to listen to
her sniff and feel her body shake with quiet tears. But she wasn’t alone in her tears. At a point he realized he was also crying,
though he didn’t really know why. He
assumed he was upset just because she was.
But he didn’t know why she was.
She didn’t say a thing to him, wouldn’t talk to him. She knew everything that had happened, they
had talked about that earlier, but he had thought she was over it, ready to
forget it, forgive him and move on with their life. He had thought that’s what she meant when she
whispered that she wanted to have sex with him.
But now he was thinking he might
have been wrong. He had asked her if she
was sure at least five times. Part of
him was terrified she was doing this just to forget, just to push all their
problems away from her mind. But the
other part of him won out and hoped and prayed that it was because she wanted
to get past it and was ready to move on, not forget, not push away, but to plow
through. Even so, he had been more
nervous with her than he had been that night at her parents’ house when they
first had sex together.
Now, now that they had had sex and
now that she cried and they had slept beside each other, he knew the
truth. He didn’t want to believe it and didn’t
want to think she was just doing that to forget, but that was exactly what she
was doing. It didn’t work for her, it
just made her feel worse and that’s why she couldn’t come and that’s why she
started crying. It all made complete
sense now, after staying awake all those hours, not able to sleep, just staring
at the ceiling or her back.
He felt like a complete idiot,
staring at her, wishing things were ok, wishing they were back a month ago, at
her parents’. He wished they were back
in her room, back at that boat house, early, him awake, watching her
sleep. He wished he could wake her up,
softly kissing her shoulders and her lips. He wished he could take all this time away and
lay there and tell her about himself and tell her about his dreams. At least then it wouldn’t have been a
secret. At least then she wouldn’t have
been able to just disappear.
At least then he would have been
able to explain it first and not her brother.
Even now, even after he’d tried to
explain it, she still didn’t understand.
That worried him the most. What
if she never understood? He tried not to let that bother him too much
and tried to keep the thought that as long as she loved him and was willing to
give him a chance, then everything would be ok.
She gave him a chance and it was
all he needed. But he hated this waiting
around, loved staring at her back, but hated waiting for her to wake up. He knew they would have to talk, knew they
had more to figure out and he didn’t want to talk any more. He wanted to forget it all and be lost in
her. When he woke up and the clock said
He knew it was impossible, with
her school and all his album stuff happening soon, but he thought, what if they
just disappeared, together. What if she
woke up and he said, lets get away and they went somewhere where no one could
find them and it was just them and they could live out their dreams?
But he didn’t want any more
dreams. He wanted reality and for him
Darcy had become that reality and he was trying so hard to make her realize
that. He just didn’t know how. There was no preparation for this type of
thing. Sure, he could fight back, go sue
her brother, sue Dr. Baitman, but what would that accomplish? It would piss her off more and ruin two good
men’s careers.
He realized now, Alden wasn’t the
bad guy in this. In fact, there was no
bad guy. If anyone was to blame it was
himself for not being honest to begin with.
But he had reasons and excuses and he felt justified in every single one
of them. Dr. Baitman was concerned for
him and he knew that and he knew he should probably call him and tell him what
had happened and be analyzed and studied.
But he didn’t want that. He was
tired of feeling like he was insane.
He was happy with her and that was
all that mattered to him. He was in love
with her, not the dream of her or the idea of her, but Darcy…the girl asleep
beside him, the girl that hugged him so tightly the night before, the girl
who’s smile made him feel at home, the girl who could seduce him one minute and
then want to do nothing more than sit in her pjs and watch cartoons all day. That was who he loved, the girl that loved
him back so purely and simply and strongly.
And the love that she had for him
and the love he wanted to give back made the idea of the night before grate on
his brain. He knew it deep in his heart
that the night before had been a mistake.
Making love to her had been a mistake, getting off while she cried had a
mistake, and not saying a word to her afterwards had been a mistake. He just hoped he hadn’t ruined that second
chance she given him. He had try to grab
hold of what they had had in the past so quickly that he was afraid he had let
it slip through his hands, fall to the floor and it shattered.
Her body moved. Finally, it moved under the sheet and she
sighed a bit, stretched and then rolled over onto her back, slinging an arm
over her face. Her bare torso was too
tempting to him and his hand moved over her stomach and he pulled himself
against her and leaned down to rest his head against her chest. She sighed again and he closed his eyes when
he felt her hand against his head, running through his curls. He left his hand there against the side of
her waist, running his thumb over the skin.
Having her hold him made him feel better, being against her made his
body relax and having her hands against his scalp made his eyes close slowly
and his mind free. Her other hand was
running up and down his arm and it felt so perfect to be lying against her
naked.
How could it not work out when
moments like this were so fucking perfect?
“I slept hard.”
He smiled at her quiet voice,
gravely still with the effects of sleep.
He felt her body stretch underneath him and he set up and hovered over
her, smiling. She was so beautiful to
him. “You never moved.”
Her content smile fell and she
stared at him. “Justin…” Her eyes searched
his and she reached up to touch his face for a moment. “Did you sleep?”
He knew that she realized he
hasn’t slept much the night before, he hoped he didn’t look like a wreck. He didn’t feel bad, just a little tired and a
little worn down, but he wasn’t exhausted.
He was relaxed. He leaned down
against the pillow and reached out to her to pull her near him. “I’m so sorry about last night.”
“What?”
He bit his lip and didn’t look her
in the eyes. “I upset you and I was
selfish and I shouldn’t have let us do that.”
“You think having sex was a
mistake?”
He took a breath. He knew how he worded whatever came out of
his mouth next was crucial. Bluntly put,
yes he thought it was a mistake. It kept
him up all night and worried him and upset her, but he never regretted sleeping
with her, ever. “You didn’t enjoy
it. And you were trying to reconnect
with me and forget and you just cried.
Not the good crying that you do sometimes when we have sex, but…” He sucked in a breath. He wanted to
completely forget the night befor, but he knew that was impossible. “But you were upset Darcy.”
“Let’s not talk about it.” She wanted to forget, too it seemed.
She pulled away from him a bit and
he whispered her name, not wanting to upset her any more. “Darcy…”
“I’m tired Justin…” She set up against the headboard and pulled
up the sheet to cover her body. She hit
the mattress with her fist and bit her lip, looking like she was going to cry
again. “So fucking tired of figuring
this out, of talking about it and thinking about it and crying about it. I’m still trying to figure it out in my head
and get use to everything and it’s so draining.
It’s a new thing for me.”
He laid on his stomach and bit his
nails for a minute before looking up at her dark brown eyes and whispering, “I’m
still the same, I haven’t changed.”
She didn’t respond and he knew
that they were in trouble. He thought he
hadn’t changed, but to her he must have.
To her their relationship was a lie or something she was uncertain of
and now, now he had to try his best to show her that it wasn’t fake and it
wasn’t a lie and that his feelings for her were true and not just parts of his
imagination.
He hadn’t changed, circumstances
might have, but he hadn’t and he still loved her, purely and truly and he had
to make her see that.
“Just…” She shook her head, scooted down and clobbered
him in a hug, holding him tight and rolling over so she was on top and he was
on his back. He wrapped his arms around
her and pressed her skin into his, trying to meld them, trying to pull her into
himself so she could see that he wasn’t crazy and he wasn’t fucked up. He felt her lips against his shoulder and
then felt her pull away. She kissed him
just for a moment and said, “Do you
wanna take a shower?”
He didn’t know what the right
answer was and figured she wouldn’t have asked if she wasn’t ok with it. So he mumbled, “Ok…” and watched her smile
and scramble off of him. He followed her
to the bathroom, watching her walk naked to the shower. He had missed seeing her like this, seeing
her body. When they first started really
fooling around and then when they started to have sex he couldn’t resist her
skin and would try to get her naked as often as possible. Of course then it was mainly because he
wanted her. But now her naked body
seemed to relax him. It showed him that
she was still comfortable of him and maybe that she wants so afraid of
him. Of course seeing her like that
ignited a certain desire within him. The
sex with them was good, the best he’d ever had, until last night.
But he wasn’t going to think about
that again. He was going to stand there
with her, in the shower and enjoy what they had and not think about all the bad
stuff that was happening. The water was
warm and felt good to his skin. But she
felt better. He held her under the
water, her head against his shoulder, her arms around his middle pressing her
front into his. He moved his hands over
her body, making sure she was there, that this was real…that this wasn’t some
dream.
Her wet hair tangled in his
fingers, but her back was slick and smooth and he moved his hands down to touch
her curves and then up against her sides.
He was staring to get hard and hoped she wouldn’t mind. He expected nothing and was content just
being next to her.
“It feels so good to hold you like
this…” He sighed. “I missed you Darcy.”
“I missed you.”
He ran his hand over her head and
she looked up at him. Droplets of water
fell across her lips and he stared at her mouth. He tried to control his desire,
but standing there with her in the shower, naked, pressed against her, it was
too hard to contain himself. “Can I kiss you?”
“You don’t...” She moved her arms up around his neck and
smiled briefly. “You don’t have to ask
for permission, ok? I…I still consider
us together. I just need some time and I might need some space, but other times
I might need you this close.” She held
him firmly and her eyes dropped to his shoulders. “Is...is that ok?”
“I’ll give you whatever you need,
I just need you around. I need you in my
life.”
She was close, so close to him and
he could feel her breath against his lips when she whispered, “I’m not going
anywhere.”
He crushed his mouth against
hers. He delved into her and she held on
to him. She didn’t protest when his
hands moved over her back around to her front to touch her breasts and then up
to her neck to hold her in place so he could kiss her. Soon he found himself gripping for something
to hold onto above them and only coming into contact with wet tile. He pressed his hands against the wall and
pushed his body against hers, hers against the wall, trying to move himself in
between her legs. She kissed his neck
and sighed against his skin.
He pulled away to look at her for
a moment, to ask her if she wanted to do this here. But when he saw her and saw the desire in her
eyes and the need quivering in her slightly opened mouth with every heavy
breath she took, he knew he couldn’t do that.
The desire and the need were gone the night before, vanished and now that
they were back he was scared they were going to run off again.
She looked like she did last night
on the couch. She looked like she wanted
it. But he knew that looks could be
mistaken and he never wanted to cause her to cry again.
“We…we have to stop.” He pulled himself off her and gasped, finding
the shower door and letting the coolness of it calm his body.
He tried not to stare at her, she
looked beautiful and looked like she craved it.
So he looked down at himself, but found that image was also a picture of
desire so he looked away at the wall. “I
want to have sex with you, again.”
He gulped and remained staring at
the wall, knowing if he looked into her eyes he’d give in and they’d be up
against the shower wall, him in side of her, and tears would be on her
face. “I don’t want you to cry.”
Her hands were on him soon, one
moving up his chest around his neck, the other moving down, down so she could
hold him in her hand. “I won’t. I want
this.” She squeezed him and kissed him
slowly.
He pushed her away. He was terrified, terrified of having sex
with her. The fear made him anxious and
the anxiety made him terrified of her, terrified of being near her. “I…Can we do this later? I just, my head is foggy.”
She stared at him, big brown eyes
looking, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. After a moment she finally nodded and slowly
said, “Ok…”
He watched her reach for the
shampoo and stared at her as she washed her hair and her body. He finally snapped out of his trance and felt
like kicking himself for turning her down. He knew he had probably hurt her
feelings. He had learned that turning
down women could be a very, very dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as watching someone you
love cry their eyes out. He would do anything to prevent that. He licked his lips and started to wash
himself, trading spaces with her and getting underneath the stream of
water.
Once he had rinsed himself off, he
wiped his fingers across his eyes and opened them. She was standing a few feet away, her arms
over her stomach, staring at the floor.
He reached out for her. “Darcy I
do want you, I just…slow right? Let’s
take our time and not jump into anything.”
She sucked in a breath and
nodded. “Ok…” He kissed her for a moment and pulled
away.
“Done?” She nodded and he reached behind him to turn
the water off. He held her for a moment
and then opened the door, cursing the blast of cold air under his breath and
reaching for a towel for her before having to step out and get another for
himself.
They dried off and he tried his
best to calm his body down. He watched
her walk to the sink and remained leaning against the counter as she brushed
her teeth. “What are your plans today?” He finally asked.
She spit out a mouth full of toothpaste
and smiled at him, “Be with you.”
He grinned and crossed his arms
over his chest. “Just hanging out?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged and
handed him her toothbrush before walking in further into her bedroom and taking
off the towel around her body. He stared
at her for a bit and then shook his head and looked away. “What would you like to do?” She called back.
“I need to call up Trace and let
him know what’s up.”
He was amazed how quickly she
changed but sure enough right as he started brushing his own teeth she was
leaning in the door way with a white bra and pink panties. “Why don’t we all do something, go out
shopping or to a movie and just…do something.”
“Wish Traysh?” He asked taking the toothbrush out of his
mouth for a minute
“And whoever else.”
He spit and then leaned down to
the faucet to get a mouthful of water and then spit again. “I’ll go call.” He walked towards her and then past her into
her bedroom, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back and hugged him. He was still just wearing a towel and she had
a small one wrapped around her head. He
leaned down and kissed her for a moment.
He was happy, not fully, not
extremely, not as happy as he had been a month before, but he was happier than
he had been earlier in the week and glad that she was there with him, holding
him, letting him kiss her. He was now determined
to get back to the happiness they had before and hoped and prayed that it was
possible.
He walked into her bedroom and
found his pants and boxers on the floor near the door where she had taken them
off of him the night before. He pulled
up his boxers over his hips and searched the pockets of his jeans for his
phone. He saw he had a couple of
messages but didn’t care to listen to those yet.
He pressed a few buttons and then
moved out of Darcy’s room, immediately being greeted by a meowing and leg
rubbing Jingles. He sat himself on the
couch and listened to the phone ring.
Jingles hopped in his lap and got in his face, sniffing. He pushed the cat away.
“’ello?”
Trace’s voice was normally deep
and gravely, but this was definitely his morning voice. “Did I wake you?”
“Nah, I’m up.” He heard his friend yawn and knew he was
lying. “How are you, how’s…”
“Ok…” Justin said, cutting him
off. “We talked and stuff. We wanna do stuff today, you game?”
He heard another yawn come over
the line, “What kind of stuff?”
His best friend’s sleepiness made
him yawn as well and he knew that that afternoon he would need a nap. He hoped maybe she’d lay with him. He heard her make kissing noises and turned
to see her snapping at her cat and rubbing him as she poured him
breakfast. He watched her for a moment
and then she moved back into her room and disappeared from view. “I don’t know. I think she wants to get out of the house,
and well, I think she’s battling a lot in herself whether she wants to be alone
with me or not. I just want her to be
happy.”
“Well sure, what do you guys wanna
do?”
“I don’t know, just figure out
something fun to kind of keep her mind off things.”
“I’ll see what I can do. What time are we talking about?”
Justin looked at the clock she had
mounted against the wall above the television.
It read a few minutes before nine.
“Well we just showered and everything…”
“Together?”
Justin rolled his eyes. He could see Trace’s stupid little grin from
here. “What’s it matter?”
“Well if you’re all getting naked
then things must be going good.”
He sighed. He wished it was that easy. He glanced behind him to make sure she wasn’t
listening. He didn’t know how she would feel if she knew he was telling Trace
about their sex life. He was pretty sure
she wouldn’t care, but he was trying to be as cautious as possible about…well,
everything. “I slept with her last night
and she cried the whole time and was so fucking upset and I felt like an
asshole.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah…” He nodded to himself and leaned forward to
play with the coaster she had sitting on her coffee table. His mouth felt parched and his stomach was so
empty he felt sick. He had barely eaten
the day before and he knew he was probably dehydrated. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s really happening, but I
guess it’s a positive that she didn’t kick me out and she let me sleep in her
bed and let me shower with her this morning and stuff.”
“Well, give me a bit to get up and
get ready and figure out some stuff and I’ll give you a call when we leave the
hotel and come pick you guys up. Do you
want me to bring you some clothes?”
“That sounds great, thanks Trace.”
He laughed a little bit over the
phone and then smiled when he felt hands over his shoulders and a kiss against
his head. “No prob.”
“No…” He reached up and held one of Darcy’s hands
that were laying against his chest. “You
did a lot for me these past few days, I really mean it. Thanks man.”
Trace laughed over the phone. “Shut
up. Stop being gay.” He heard a click and flipped his phone closed
and leaned back. She was standing on the
other side of the couch looking down at him.
“He’s gonna come pick us up in a
little bit and he’ll have things figured out so we don’t have to even think
about what to do. Just hop along for the
ride.”
She smiled at him and he saw that
she was dressed now in a cute, light summer dress. She looked at him for a moment and then
walked away back into her room, and he sighed and looked to the floor to see a
grey cat staring him down, licking its lips.
He patted the couch and the cat jumped up and curled up beside him.
He liked her place. It was nice and spacious and screamed ‘Darcy’. It was different from the apartment in his
dreams that he had visited occasionally and yet it seemed familiar. He shook his head. He didn’t need to think about such things any
more. The dreams were something he
needed to forget all together. He needed
to concentrate on the now, on the Darcy that was with him now. Because while they were the same, his
girlfriend and his dream girl, they were also radically different.
The dream girl could run away as
many times as she wanted. He didn’t care
if she vanished and never returned. He
didn’t love her anymore. He loved the
Darcy that was in the other room, yelling at him to look around and see if he
saw her green slip on shoes lying around in the den. And he would be damned if he let that Darcy,
the one that was there with him, the one who had cried against him last night
and tried her best to seduce him in the shower, the girl he was going to be
around all day, he would be damned if he let her run away from him again.
He was going to hold on this time as
tight as possible and he was never going to let her go.